Today is October 26th, another pivotal day in my life. A day in which another new journey begins. A day in which there is heartbreak and sadness but also a breath of new life. Today is my last day in this house. I have lived here a little over 2 years but it has never felt like a home to me.
October 15th has come and gone and yet there was no post about it. One of the saddest days in my life and no post to reflect on why that day holds so much meaning for me. The day in which I talk about Ty and Jacob and baby unknown. A day of loss, a day of sadness, a day of reflection and remembrance. A day in which I have powerful, resilient words to share with everyone and give them hope, but not this year.
Plot Twist!!!! My life has been full of plot twists. Not always pleasant ones, but they have happened nonetheless. At every turn I try to look at the challenges and find opportunities to grow. It's not easy. I have hard days, lots of them but I keep on going. When hard times hit, I say to myself, Plot Twist and move on.
Thanksgiving is approaching, the time of year when we all take a minute to talk about what we are thankful for. You may think you don’t have anything to be thankful for in the midst of you grief, but don’t worry, society will list off a bunch of things you should be thankful for instead of allowing you to sit in your grief.
Tacos, they are the way to my soul, well one of the ways. Books and special need cats are the other ways but tacos taste better. For those who do not know me, tacos are my food. I could live off of tacos. The best part about tacos is that even when dairy and gluten free, they still taste delicious! Can't say that about everything dairy and gluten free...ahem...pizza.
I sit here, head and heart pounding. Shots of pain run through my neck up to the top of my head. I sit here thinking how did I get here? What lead me here? I never expected to be here, a single mom at 34 going through a divorce but here I sit. I await my turn in court. I’ve waited 11 months for this moment and it’s here. It will be a long day of waiting, #17 of 18.
The sun was shining, the autumn air was nipping. My hands were at 10 and 2. My breathing was suttle, my heart beating at a normal rate. Every kilometer that passed increased my heart rate. My hands started to shake, my mind started to wander. I started to gasp for air. I felt faint. The closer I got the more intense the panic and fear of the unknown became. I second guessed continuing to drive to my destination.
Mountains do not rise without earthquakes. I find this statement powerful. It stopped me mid-scroll on Instagram, I had to re-read this quote over and over. These words really speak to me. Think about it, they do not rise without some potential catastrophic event happening to make them rise.
This is how I imagine I looked this evening because, word of advice, going to the grocery store after having cavities filled, not a good idea. I ended up looking like a drunk person trying to flirt. Bad decision on my part. But, like isn't life without some humor.
“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.” - Steve Goodier
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