Well Bee, you have officially been announced to the world, in turn I hope we get a ton of prayers because Lord knows we all need them! We told other family members yesterday so they got the heads up and now the world will know! Or at least everyone who reads this and man, you have come a long way catching up by the time you read this all!
I was up at the butt crack of dawn getting ready for my endocrinologist app at the other hospital we have here. I am DREADING it! I'm seeing the same doctor I did with Jacob except I never went back like I was suppose to. I couldn't, I couldn't face telling her my baby had died. I avoided it and it felt great...however because my thyroid can't seem to settle itself down I am off to see her again. Maybe she'll forget, maybe she won't ask any questions. I can only hope so! Thankfully I don't have to actually see her throughout the pregnancy, just get my blood drawn once a month to check my levels and increase as needed. I'm so thankful my thyroid med is on the cheap drug list, with it changing all the time it could get costly if it wasn't!
Last night I made the most amazing dessert ever. I bought local peaches and rhubarb and made a crisp. I don't know what it was but MAN was it good!!!! I could have eaten the entire plate, but I saved some for the next few days. It was just really good. Perhaps it was the added nutmeg in with the fruit, which most recipes don't call for. I don't know but I do knot it was delicious and our house smelled amazing! I hope Bee liked it as much as I did. I was reading that this is the point where they can start to taste different things in the amniotic fluid and I always try to make sure there is a large variety spicy and ethnic are a must!
I've really been struggling with how I've been feeling the last 24 hours. I thought surely after I knew Bee had a heartbeat, was measuring right on track and all the blood tests came back normal that I'd feel a bit of relief. But to be completely honest, I am more scared, more anxious, more terrified and I cant shake this feeling. I know I was right, I was more scared about 12 weeks because I knew after 12 weeks our next goal we were going to focus on was a BIG one. I mean every appointment, every ultrasound is big for us but the next one will show where this pregnancy is going, if Bee has kidneys and if there if fluid. We should have a good indication at our next appointment about where things are but it still may be a bit too early. We have it scheduled when I am 15 weeks 5 days (the one after is 17 weeks 5 days) and I know at both, even if it shows a healthy baby it is not guaranteed. But what I fear is hearing those dreaded words "incompatible" with life. It's a sentence no parent should have to hear and it's one we heard only a little over a year ago. It's one we are not really prepared to hear again and pray we don't. We pray we are told our baby is healthy. I'm just so scared about the next 4 weeks. I know Bee should start to kick a lot more so I can feel it (I think she did as I type this) I asked my Dr and he said due to this being my 3rd pregnancy he wouldn't be surprised that I was feeling them early so I know I have felt her a few times. I just hope it increases because with Jacob it didn't due to the lack of fluid and I know I'll be scared if I don't feel her sooner. I'm so thankful to have made it this far without any problems, we passed one big milestone but the next one is the tough one for us and staying sane over the next 4 weeks will be a challenge. I was just really hoping I'd be able to breathe a bit more after yesterday but I can't. Instead I am holding on even tighter..... Oh man.....rainbow pregnancies are hard!
I think some sewing will be in my plans for the afternoon, it always makes me feel better and accomplished. Today I am going to try smock dresses....should be interesting. And since I don't know how to do buttons yet, I am going to cheat and use Velcro. Of course, I will also be indulging in some peach and rhubarb crisp from last night....mm....
P.S. According to some we are 12 weeks today and others 12 weeks tomorrow so we figured we'd take a leap of faith and announce today, even if we are only 11 weeks 6 days. All I know is baby will be here early January.