We have officially made it to 14 weeks (as far as I know) I know I felt Bee earlier so that is a good sign...or it's just my crazy mind playing tricks on me like it did with Ty. Either way, something kicked me early. I don't think organs have the capacity to move around and kick me like a baby does. It made me get teary eyed. When I know it is Bee it makes me cry. The more kicks in the next two weeks the more reassured I will be at the next appointment......pfft who am I kidding, I'll still be a nervous wreck.
I have been in a lot of pain today. My lower back has been killing me. I don't know if its from sitting at work, home or sleeping or just my usual pregnancy pain. I don't really care what it is and it can stay as long as Bee is safe. I don't care how sick I become or how many headaches I get, as long as Bee is okay. I just want and NEED Bee to be okay. I also want and NEED a massage! My husband is still away working, my mom is gone and it's too hot for me to do anything so that leaves me to sitting at home and pondering how many things can go wrong with Bee. I start to cry when I think about our next appointment, how scared I am to face it, how much I pray to hear good news but know in my heart that it may not be the case.
Rainbow pregnancies are tough! No one ever said they were easy because they aren't. For me I have no safe point. I will never reach a level of decreased anxiety, it just gets worse as time goes on. Even after our 18 week ultrasound when we find out if baby is healthy, I lost Ty at 37 weeks, I never get a safe point, all I know is this baby will be here before January 10th, 2013 (37 weeks) I guess with the supposed "end of the world" on December 21st I don't have to really worry. But I do, I am so good at worrying. If worrying was an Olympic sport I'd sweep the category with winning gold.
This is me at 14 weeks. I am now officially at the biggest I was with Ty and 5 months with Jacob. Scared to know how much more this belly will grow! I feel like 14 weeks is an accomplishment, much more then 13. I find the even numbered weeks are. However, that means 1 1/2 more weeks until our next ultrasound and the anxiety is already starting to kill me. I've also been able to successfully eat pasta the last two nights (which I have been craving) and I'm glad it's not making me sick like it did in the first few weeks. Going to rest tonight as much as I can after a long exhausting week but next week is only a 4 day work week so it'll fly by just in time for me to have a mental breakdown before the 14th. Just breathing is not cutting it anymore. I need answers! My heart needs to know as does my mind. This waiting in anticipation is really getting to me. Perhaps tonight would be a good night to work on some things for Bee to get my spirits going......sigh.....the life of a rainbow pregnancy.