Today marks 15 weeks. 2 lbs gained so far, morning sickness still in full swing, gagging still making me gag...body has not adjusted and I have not yet had a surge of energy, given I can keep my eyes open for more then 5 minutes. Emotions are at an all time high. Cried on the way to work thinking about Tuesday. Terrified, scared, anxious....a tad excited but all the other overwhelming emotions play a bigger part. Debating how to keep myself distracted these next few days. Praying Bee gives me a HUGE kick to reassure me because lately I don't know if I feel her. I'm doubting what I feel now but maybe it's my mind playing games to try and trick my heart into thinking it's going to happen again. So much will take place next Tuesday, good or bad. I'm not ready for it. I wish I could just wake up 21 weeks from now with my living breathing healthy bundle of joy in my arms. Why must I suffer through the anxiety of another pregnancy? I know the reward is worth the risk, it's one reason we tried again but I just wish it was easier.
I am really thankful to have the new job which has distracted my mind most days from 8-5 and by the time I get home I only have time to eat, pack for the next day, get ready for bed and go to sleep and I'm so blessed that sleeping hasn't been a huge issue for me. Even after our losses and through all pregnancies...I've still been able to get decent sleep in for the most part. I'm just so exhausted it comes so easily. I'm beyond exhausted tonight, I'm ready for bed now but I must wait until 9 or I'll be up at 5am! Debating whether or not to join the hubby on a road trip tomorrow, we'll see how I feel in the morning Perhaps (and I hope it is a rainy day) spending the day in bed with the boys and bee is what I really need. Plug in the computer, watch netlifx, maybe knit a little since I am severely lacking on Bees blanket lately. I just find knitting takes so long I much rather just sew (which I did finish the blanket I sewed for her/him) My mom is going to knit a rainbow blanket for Bee anyways so I figure I'll be okay.
I'd type more but it is Friday night and that means this mama is pooped! I need to go lay down and rest a bit...perhaps fall into a deep coma for the next few days...