Today I turn 30. When you look at it, it's just a number but it's a number I have been dreading. It's time for a new chapter in life and as I leave the 20's behind I can't help but think of where I was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I had just moved back to Ontario by myself. I was ready to start my life. I had a list of goals set and looking over those goals today made me realize, my life is vastly different from what I had planned. Most of the things on my list cannot be crossed off. The things I had intended to do before I was 30 kind of took a back seat. Give, two of the big goals, getting married and starting a family, have been completed, it still left a lot to be desired. I don't own my own house and we're not close to that either. I don't have a strong career, I mean I don't even have a career at this point. I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom but it's what's important to me now but where does that leave me as far as a career? I don't know. I need to find a way to bring in an income but more importantly, I need to do it while still being a mom first and foremost and a wife to of course.
I'm saddened by the fact that so many things went unaccomplished. It just shows how much my life has changed. It's not that I can't work on them (buying a house, finding a career, getting healthy, which I am in the process of doing) it's just, these were all suppose to happen by now and they haven't.
At the same time, my husband who is awesome, reminded me, when I pointed out that my life may be 1/3 over, The first 1/3 wasn't anything special. As he said, I learned to poop on the potty, feed myself, make my way through school, had a few relationships, got settled and started a family. He says the real fun starts now. I guess I can see his point, I see his optimism but it still is a tough cookie to chew. I find it hard to set goals these days because of setting so many and not getting close. As I stared at the list I felt a hole in my heart. I know it will never be filled, even if I do accomplish all the goals on my list in the next few years.
When I see the list, I see the old me, the old life I wanted. There wasn't pain, there wasn't agony, there wasn't tragedy. There weren't two children buried, there wasn't PTSD, it was simple, it was clean.
As I jump into the 30's (not literally, I woke up barfing oh the joy) I think about what I want to do and what I want to accomplish before I am 40 because when I turn 40, I don't want to feel any regret. I don't want to miss out or not achieve goals. So when I sit down to write my goals, this time, no matter hell or high water, they will be accomplished. I don't plan on taking it easy either. I am going to set some pretty big tasks ahead and hopefully, I can get them all accomplished well before I turn 40.
Goodbye 20's, you have served me well. You saw me enter and exit University as a certified teacher. You saw me end a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend. You saw mw venture out on my own and move back to Ontario. You saw me give a shot at online dating. You saw me meet the man of my dreams and marry him. You saw me become a mother, not once, not twice but three times. You took away my innocence, you ripped my of my simple life. You instilled heartache and tragedy amongst my heart. You built me to be a stronger, more resilient, more determined person. You brought me to faith, only to rip it away but you did one thing right. You ended on the perfect note. My amazingly smart, beautiful miracle little girl whom I adore with all my heart and being.
Hello 30's. Get ready for another bumpy ride as we make our way into purchasing our own home, expanding out family, taking many vacations and trips. As we grow as a couple and as parents. As I get healthy and make changes in our lives to make us all healthy. As I work on finding a career path I enjoy. As I work on keeping up my blogs. As I work on writing my first book. As I work on enjoying the now an trying very hard to not let fear dictate my life. As I work on fighting my PTSD to not let it dictate my life. I want to dictate my life, I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to always be anxious. I want to feel freedom and I know it's a long road ahead of a lot of work but it has to be done. I want my 30's to be the best days of my life.
I just wish I could have rung it in on not such a sick note.