Bee had her 4 month check up and she now weighs a whopping 11lbs 8ozs and is 24 inches long. I still can't believe she is already 4 months old. Why is time now going by at such a quick pace? My pregnancy with her was the longest 36 weeks of my life! How can she already be 4 months?
Every time she hits a new milestone I just sit and think. As I was rocking her to sleep the other day I was looking at the pictures of her brothers hung above her bed (which she loves to look at and talk to, talk about tears!) I had seen a picture floating around on facebook of 4 little boys holding signs that said "Don't mess with her" and then their little sister and it really tugged at my heart. Bee should have two older brothers to look out for her, to standup for her, to love on her and to pick on her as only brothers can do. But she doesn't. She won't ever have that, our family will never be like that. There will always be something missing. It made me realize that no matter how many kids we end up adopting and fostering, I will never feel complete, our family will never feel complete. There will always be that something, or in our case, those two people, missing.
I am enjoying and cherishing watching her grow and love to see how she is really blossoming but everything is so bittersweet. I imagine it will always be bittersweet knowing that Ty and Jacob never had any firsts. I sat and though, wow I have been pregnant three times and have delivered three babies but only one is here. I always knew I would have two boys and then a little girl, never did I imagine my little boys would not be here though. My body has been through so much, I have been through so much and even as tired as I am, I sit and smile at the miracle I have now. I sit and listen to her talking to her brothers. I sit and stare into her eyes to see something I've never seen. I love on her like crazy, i load her up with kisses and hugs (which FINALLY she is getting use to kisses) I do everything with a purpose, that purpose is because I love my daughter and want the best for her but also because I didn't get these chances with the boys and I never will.
I just wish she would slow down a little, time is passing by too quickly. I don't care how exhausted I am, I want every minute possible I can get with my daughter. How can she already be 4 months?