As a mother of loss, I still find it hard to live for the future. I still struggle when I am out to buy things for Bee that she would need a year or two from now (and are buying now because when you can get new clothes for $1 or $2 a piece, you get them) But it causes anxiety, though these days everything causes anxiety. I can't help but think if she'll get to wear them or if they too will get packed away unworn like Ty and Jacob's things. Every time I buy something I get that feeling of angst, wondering if I am jinxing her fate. I know it may seem silly to some, but when you've lost, your mind constantly goes there. This is why I have such a hard time leaving Bee with anyone (except my husband and my mom) My mind goes there, it goes to that terrible place.
It's one of the reasons I am having such a hard time answering the most recently asked common question, "are you going back to work"? Well I would LOVE to have a simple answer to this question, but to be honest it comes very much anxiety, fear, terror, heartache, frustration, just about every emotion you can think of. It's not an easy question and its most certainly not a clear cut answer. This question weighs not only heavily on my heart but for our wallet as well.
You see, we can't afford for me to stay home but we also can't afford for me to go back to work. Therein lies our problem. If I go back to work we have to pay for daycare, which in London the average cost is $1000 a month for full time and $600 for part time. If I go back to work we have to start paying Stephens student loan back, which is almost as much as daycare. Theoretically, if I was to go back to where I was working while pregnant with Bee, my take home pay wouldn't even cover the costs of the two things listed above, we'd actually be out some change. However, if I stay home, we don't pay for either but we don't have an income, though we aren't out any change.
My options are 1. Look for a new job that pays substantially well and who I am kidding, in this economy, I'd be lucky to find something comparable to what I currently make. I'm talking the pay needs to be well above $40,000 a year, more like $545,000 a year because even if I found a new job which pays a bit more, to Stephen and I, it's not worth it to only be bringing in an extra $300 a month when spending time with Bee is much more valueable. 2. Stay at home.
Let's be honest, after all I've been through, I feel entitled to stay at home with Bee for a bit longer. I cherish every moment I have with her, I don't want to miss a minute of her growing up and while she is little and at home, I want to be there for her. I want to be there with her.
Ideally it would be fantastic if I could think of something to do from home to bring in some extra cash. I thought about ring slings, but the cost to insure those is ridiculous, talking a few thousand per year, so that was a no. I can sew, but so can a lot of stay at home moms. I need to find something a lot of people don't make. I was thinking rag quilts because I never see people selling those but is that because there isn't a high want for those? I really have no idea, perhaps there is some service I can give (no not that kind of service) I just really don't know but I am determined to make this work, we are determined to make this work. I pray about it daily, pray for an answer, pray for guidance to show us how we can make this work. It has to, it simply has to.
Not only do I want to stay at home with Bee, but my PTSD and GAD are so bad right now, I don't think I could physically bring myself to do it. We all remember how leaving her for 15 minutes at the Y went. The thought of having to look for a new job or even to leave Bee with someone else makes me vomit, like seriously vomit. My heart races, my heart palpitates and I feel like I am going to pass out. It scares me so much there are days I think of packing Bee up and running away so I don't have to face it.
Thankfully Stephen is fully supportive of me staying home. He gets it, not only for my heart but for us financially. We simply have to make it work. I do not think I can bring myself to go back to work and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go back where I was before (though we still have not made that decision) So really, I don't know if I am going back to work. It isn't a simple yes or no. It is a complex question filled with many branches which are causing me an extreme amount of anxiety. I mean epic proportions, not as epic as leaving Bee, but close!
So if any of my readers have any suggestions or want to share their lotto winnings, send me a message! I am determined to find something I can do from home to make this work. Stephen and I both know it comes with huge sacrifices (we'll probably never own our own home but a home is just a material object, family is what matters. We've pretty much concluded if I want to stay at home, owning a home is out of the question, unless I can think of a brilliant idea to do from home, it sucks yah, it really sucks. That or someone generous gives us their home LOL, yeah I had a good chuckle at that one too, hey a lady can hope) we have and continue to make sacrifices for our family, our family will always come first, even if it means we are poor, at least we have a whole lot of love.
But really, if you have genius ideas I can do from home that not every other stay at home mom is doing, enlighten me! Lord knows I need it these days.
Loving on my little lady because I can. She looks thrilled doesn't she?