24 Weeks 6 Days: My anxiety has been through the roof the last few days, as I get closer to 25/26 weeks I am starting to do kick counts and Bee has decided to completely throw me off and change herim's kicking times (I have been keeping track of when Bee has been most active) but it is changing and it is scaring the shit out of me. I especially find that on days when Stephen travels, Bee gets REALLY quiet...I do not like this. I am going to lose my mind! Perhaps tonight will be our first trip to L&D...we shall we how today goes...It's really hard to pay attention at work, which is one reason I plan on leaving a bit earlier (assuming all continues to go well and a trip to L&D does not make our world crash again)
Most people probably think going through a rainbow pregnancy as scared as we all are, going to L&D would be something to look forward to, a relief but in all honesty, it's just as scary. It's scary because you know that walking in there that not all babies live and you feel like lightning has struck 3 times. You fear what they will say, if they will judge you or give you a hard time (not everyone at LHSC is nice, especially the check in ladies) and how am I going to control the flood gates that will pour out due to the fear? Sure we could go in and everything could be fine but we're not naive, we do not have that pregnancy innocence, we know going in everything could also NOT be fine. So even a normal routine trip to the L&D brings on a whole new set of fears.
I think I'll be stopping for some chocolate milk this morning..if that doesn't work I don't know what will, I cant really lay down at work to see if Bee moves while I am resting...I just pray everything is okay, I pray that it works out, I mean it just has too!
In other news, things have been quiet but busy around here.....Monday was Ty's 2 year (which is also perinatal and infant loss awareness day....I always felt that was a huge kick to the gut) we didn't do much. I should say, I didn't do much. My awesome hubby knew how much it upset me that people (other then our infant loss family) never recognize our boys birthdays because most don't (other then my parents as well) so he asked some of our infant loss people to release some balloons for Ty and take pictures....as a surprise. I still have to go through and save all the pictures but it meant a lot to me. I'll post when I get around to it (pregnancy exhaustion and lack of motivation have really hit, all I care about is sitting and feeling Bee move) So it was nice that even though I had no drop of energy to do anything that others were.
Also....and probably the biggest thing of all...WE'RE MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup you read that right, we are actually moving :0) You all know the battles and struggles we have had with this place (the blog with 75 reasons why we really need to move) and lately with winter coming we were reminded once again of why we really need to move so a few days ago I started to browse knowing since it has taken two years with no luck we were probably going to be stuck here for a bit longer but I felt a lot of guilt for thinking about bringing Bee home to these problems as well. I had only started browsing, I wasn't really serious, I lacked motivation until.....
this little guy showed up. I woke up Monday morning to Charlie on the counter playing with this mouse (he just likes to play with them, Milo won't even go near them) and that was it, there was mouse shit everywhere all over our dishes and it infuriated me....that pushed my butt into gear...so on Monday morning while I was sitting in the kitchen in tears because I've had enough I started looking online for a place and I found one, one that seemed to good to be true. I texted and asked if the place was still available and it was, we went and saw it and were apprehensive but both really liked it. He did mention a lot of people we're interested but we took the night to think about it and decided that yup, we wanted this place to be our home. We arranged for a second viewing on Tuesday, Stephen looked over the lease and we managed to negotiate the rent a bit. We told him we'd let him know Wednesday morning. Wednesday morning came and we took it. We had made arrangements to meet later Wednesday night but those did not pan out, so tonight I am going to sign the lease. Talk about anxiety too, that's where a lot of it lies. That and Bee not moving as much....but anyways, we will be moving in December to our new home (details and pics to come) This is a huge step for us but one we know we both need. There really are a lot of issues here that we simply have no control over and we do feel guilty for it. Yes we are moving in winter and yes while I'm 7 months pregnant (hey it gives me an excuse to kick back and let others take care of things, though I will be packing...ughhh) We are excited but we are also....scared. It's very hard...this place is the only place the boys knew, this was their home and now we are leaving it. I know they will be with us where ever we go but that does not change the emotional ties we have to this place.
It is a new adventure and one that I hope turns out well. It's scary but it must be done. I know there is a reason I found this place, I know there is a reason it was still available (I mean we got an amazing deal, I thought I'd never find anything like it) I don't know why but I know in time I may be shown.
So..update since this morning...a sugary breakfast kicked Bee into high gear and little little has been moving pretty good most of the day (expect now, but we'll see what bed time brings) and It's official.....WE ARE MOVING!!! We signed a new lease tonight for a 3 bedroom house in the Whitehills area (only would know if your from London) I am beyond excited as much as I am nervous to take this next step but it is the perfect house and it all fell into place so quickly seeing as I just started looking a few days ago and now a lease has been signed. AHHHHHH....pictures to come as I am way to busy pinteresting new ideas for our new house....I can't believe it is finally happening.....two off and on tired years of looking for a new place and i can see why now