There is an elephant on my chest. At least it feels like there is one present. The anxiety since Thursday has been epic. I can't shake this feeling. There have been many tears, many swear words, many sleepless night. My mind cannot stop wandering, my heart cannot stop racing, I can't think straight, I cant focus. I feel weak, I feel helpless, I feel vulnerable. It sounds like this may be the case for the long run. I feel so anxious I considered going to the ER to get some anxiety meds to help calm things down. I took my rescue remedy but it did not help. The feeling is still in my chest. I feel hopeless. I have to figure out a way to deal with this because for the last few months all I have done is taken steps back and Thursday, I feel like I hit rock bottom. I can't remember when my anxiety was this bad before.
I've forgotten to eat, sleep has been non-existent, I'm trying to keep it together for Bee but I can tell she can feel it coming from me and it's affecting her. I've tried to be out with her, feeding the ducks, going to the park so she can see mommy relaxed and happy, not weak and anxious. I feel the stress is rubbing off on her and she's not sleeping well because of it.
I know I keep mentioning Thursday but I can't exactly say what happened then to cause this. Our next steps taken cannot be disclosed at this time. But the outcome from the last few months and especially this past week are not good for my journey. I'm incredibly thankful to have my husband by my side and a little girl to keep me going because if I didn't, can't say I'd be here. They are my life, they give me reason, they give me purpose. There has to be a way out of this and if anyone is willing to look for it, it's me. People will soon realize that you can't bully the weak, you cant bully the fragile because those in that position, some of us also have fight in us. Some people think they can get away with things but there is lovely thing called the law and having worked in the law field for 4 years, I know my rights and I will be making sure those rights are not taken from me because someone feels they can.
Of course, this all couldn't come at a worse time with an impending vacation coming up, which I'm horribly anxious about within itself. It's strange though to see how different the affects of different kinds of anxiety are. Most of my anxiety and especially in the past has been situational, meaning certain things cause me to become anxious. But the last week it truly has been general, it involves everything because I have been pushed back and I'm going to have to come out swinging. I find it kind of fascinating though to see how differently my brain and body respond to different kinds of mental health. So many people try to blanket term mental health but each mental issue is unique, as is each person who struggles. If I can just make it through the next couple of weeks, put on my boxing gloves and kick some bully butt, everything will be great!
People seem to not understand how the death of Ty and Jacob had a swirl affect, meaning their deaths led to a host of issues I now suffer, given I wouldn't change things, obviously them being here I would, but if it meant not having that experience at all, of carrying and loving Ty and Jacob, that I would never change. But, in their deaths, things have risen and continue to rise. So if you run into me/talk to me in the next few weeks and I seem rather stark, scattered, short tempered, short talked, there is a reason and it's not you. I'm just busy trying to find my gloves to begin this fight.