I have been working away on our book and the irony of the entry I am typing tonight. This was written shortly after Ty died. If I had only known that these words would come to life for us.
"one of the ladies at group said something that opened my eyes a bit and brought some relief to me. Since Ty was stillborn we didn't get to spend anytime with him and I was very envious of people who had even a day with their babies but after hearing her story, I don't really feel that anymore. Her son was born with a birth defect. They had two days with him but during those two days they had to sit by so helpless and watch their son suffer and die. I can't even fathom having to sit helplessly as my child was dying and suffering. I am thankful Ty and us didn't have to suffer that experience. Ty only ever knew love, he never suffered and I would much rather know that he never suffered then to have a day with him but have him suffer. I don't feel so envious anymore that we didn't get anytime with him because I know he never suffered and all he knew was love and happiness. Of course, I still wish we did have the time with him but if it meant he would suffer, I'm okay with the fact that we didn't. I just really miss him. I had so many dreams and hopes for him that I wont get to experience."
1. The irony that I even wrote that and not even 10 months later we would be in that exact position, it astonishes me.
2. Why did I feel the need to compare my loss? It's something I seemed to do in the beginning, I have since learned that is ridiculous. I don't compare anymore. Any baby dying, whether stillborn, neonatal or even young child. It sucks, it all sucks it all hurts, it all leaves us feeling so helpless and I now know that.
3. I can now fathom how horrific it is to go through sitting by your child's side and helplessly watching them die. Knowing that Jacob suffered, that he felt pain. I can only pray that he also felt love and comfort.
4. This is such a shit stick. Honestly, being a baby loss mama is no path I wish for anyone to take. I wish no parents had to make decisions or watch their children die. Do you know how hard it is to tell the doctor to pull your very loved and very wanted child from life support? To sit there and have him take his last "breathe" in your arms. To hold your dead child lovingly all night because you know come morning he will be placed in a little black box to be taken to his forever home. It all sucks so much but I never, not even for a second, would I ever change not having the boys. Our 9 months with Ty and our 9 months and 2 days with Jacob were worth living for. As hard as it was and as helpless as I felt, I am thankful I had the time with my boys as I did.
This journal, re-typing t has brought so many emotions and it's not easy to write about this stuff but I do find it healing. You know what else I find healing? This little cherub, my sunshine, my life.....and yes she went through an entire box of Kleenex. It's kind of her thing.
I know I don't talk too much about Bee here but that's because I don't want her whole life exposed to the world. I am very protective of her, but she taught me something tonight. If you know me, it's no secret that you know Bee is not a decent sleeper. I'm lucky if I get two 20 minute naps from her a day. At night she goes to bed at 6:00 and sleeps until about 5:30am (use to be 6:30 but now she's an early riser) Even though she sleeps a good 12 hours, she is still up every 2-3 hours and sometimes I'm lucky and get a 4 hour stretch in. The thing is, I tend not to complain about it though. I joke when others tell me their babies sleep well and I tell them to have their kids talk to Bee, but in all honesty, I don't mind getting up at night with her. Tonight just proved to me why I feel that way. She was starting to get fussy and I normally go in and feed her or give her the soother but I was busy and couldn't get right to her. As I walked in over to her crib she was still laying down and she settled herself back to sleep. All I could do was stand there and cry.
This, that very moment is why I don't mind getting up with her because I know one day, and quite possibly soon, she won't need me to settle her back down. Right now I need her as much as she needs me. I need her to need me. Yes Bee not sleeping does make me tired but I love nothing more than our morning and afternoon naps together. Snuggling in bed laying beside my sweet miracle, just taking in her awe, smelling her sweet smell, feeling her sticky peanut butter fingers. I waited so long for moments like these and I know they will be gone in a matter of time, as she showed me tonight. It's a scary thought to know one day she won't need me as much. I know from my mother daughter relationship with my mom that a daughter always needs her mother, but it becomes less as the daughter grows. I fear those days, I cling to my sleepless nights because I need it. Without Bee I don't know who I am. I was in limbo for so long being a grieving mother but now she is here, now she needs me and I need her. She is helping me define who I am and who I want to become. I'll be the cardigan mom, the mom who makes forts, the mom who bakes with her daughter, lays on the hammock and sips lemonade, I'll be the mom who embarrasses her with my quirky dance moves, I'll be the mom who she can always run to, turn to, cry with, hug tight. She may need me less and less as she gets older but I will always need her.
She has truly given me my life back. She is helping me find me. She is helping me find the mom I want to be. So many thoughts and ideas and events to look forward to but for now, I'll take my sleepless nights and hold Bee close, nuzzled and sucking at my breast because she needs it and I do too. I know these mid night snuggles are something to treasure and cherish because they will be gone in the blink of an eye.
I've seen it, you've seen it. Its the forgotten group. Pregnancy and infant loss is a forgotten group. It is excluded from the public eye. It is excluded from media. It is excluded from being given "celebrity" status. I watch enough TV (not much but enough) to know that babies dying is a taboo subject. It is my life's mission to change that and I will as I've already started. But the thing is, the group I belong to is often forgotten.
I won't say which one, but there is a very well known talk show host, known for being funny , on mid afternoon. Now, I'm not pointing her out as every talk show I have seen does not touch this subject, with the exception of The Doctors (thank you). On this talk show and many others, they give away lots of things to well deserving people.
Are we not deserving people? Do we not also go through hell and back? Except, we never get to live a normal life again. We are forever changed. It takes a toll on us financially. Funerals and medical bills are not cheap. We are unable to work due to the mental anguish of having buried a child.
Celebrities pair up and help give baby showers to moms in the military whose husbands are deployed. Where are the baby showers for the hundreds of moms going through another pregnancy scared shitless that their baby may die? Don't we deserve to help them celebrate (given most women probably avoid showers but there are some who would welcome them)
You see commericals, you have people coming to your door, there is a huge push to fundraise for all these other causes but when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, people avoid it like the plague.
We are like the kids who get picked last to be on a team because no body wants us to be on their team. You always hear about cancer, heart attacks, strokes, tumours, military etc, but why do you never hear about infant loss? Why are we shut out from the world?
Please know that I am by NO means saying these aren't important causes because they truly are as well, all I'm saying is that there is a group just as deserving being left out. By all means, I support all these other causes but don't we deserve to be supported too?
I already feel so alone and secluded and when the media, celebrities and other well known people choose to ignore our "group" it hurts. Not going to lie, it hurts.
Another thing that hurts? Writing! I'm working on our book and right now I am typing all my journal entries from after Ty died. There are some heavy days to get through. But, it also allows me to see how far I have come, even more, how far Stephen and I have come as a couple. I've had a few good laughs too, one of my journal entries was me being worried about Stephens heart because he ate a lot of candy and hamburgers. He still does that lol. But, there also the parts of me feeling like a failure, of me feeling like Stephen didn't love me and the toll it took on our relationship. I can't write everything in the book, it is far to deep and personal but I am trying to write most things down.
I'm also trying to get to bed at a decent time since little miss has made 5am her new wake up time. Can't say I mind though because morning naps for both of us are pretty nice. By the way, if anyone reading this who lives in London (Ontario) has a glider chair they no longer need, please let me know. We are in desperate need of a new one and can't afford to buy one. Speaking of not being able to afford to buy one, It's been 4 months now since I applied for benefits. They told me I'd know within a month....talk about stressed to the max! I loathe insurance companies, I really really do. I guess my case manager, whom I'm still trying to get switched, messed up how things were done and has prolonged this even more. See, like I always say, it's one thing after another. It never ends for us! I'm really hoping that the book will do well, though it won't be out until Fall at the earliest! Until another day.....
Oh and if you need a dose of cuteness, here you go! She truly is the light in my life. I decided we needed matching grey infinity scarves, little kids in infinity scarves are almost too cute to handle. I just love the innocence I captured in this picture.
One clear indication that I need to get into a counseling program soon, the flashbacks are happening more often. They have been everywhere lately. the other day I was standing in line at Old Navy waiting to return a dress for Bee. The lady infront of me was clearly pregnant and if that wasn't a clue, she was buying maternity clothes. She looked so happy and innocent. She looked so excited to be buying clothes to cover her ever growing baby bump and it brought me back to when I was buying maternity clothes while pregnant with Ty.
I was once a happy, innocent, excited pregnant lady too. I once loved having to buy maternity clothes for my growing baby bump. I once giddily took clothes off the maternity rack and gave them a thorough look over, wondering how they would show my baby bump off to the world. But as I stood there in line, remembering the innocence, the tears began to sting my eyes. I was no longer that lady. I was far from that lady. I was jealous and enraged that my innocence had been ripped from my heart. I started to get teary eyed as I stood in line. I had to stop thinking about it, I just had to.
My mind would not let me. It took me to buying maternity clothes while pregnant with Jacob. I remember how I had to put on the most fake smile and act I could because to tell the cashier, or have the pregnant woman behind you hear that the baby you are carrying will die, it's not something I felt comfortable doing. I wanted those other pregnant women to hold onto their innocence. I remember buying maternity clothes to try and hide my belly so no one would ask. I looked at clothes wondering how horrible they would make me look. I had lost all self confidence and still struggle with that to this day. Buying clothes only to hide the inevitable.
Then, I thought about maternity clothes while pregnant with Bee. Having gone through two full term pregnancies, I popped and showed quite early with Bee. Again, I wanted to hide my belly for as long as possible but I got fat. I got large all over. I could not bring myself to buy more maternity clothes though. I couldn't venture back into one of those stores. Thankfully, I was able to borrow and that solved that problem.
There was also the other night. Stephen let Milo come sleep with us, which we have stopped doing because he keeps us up a lot and I'm already up a lot with Bee. But, for that night we let Milo in and Milo assumed his old position, right in between us. As he lay there between us it brought me back to being pregnant with Ty. Milo use to sleep between us all the time and when I was pregnant with Ty, he would snuggle up next to my belly.
And the Olympics, oh the Olympics. Last time the winter Olympics were on, we found out we were pregnant with Ty. It's hard to watch them, remembering how last time we were so innocent. It stings.
While taking Bee to the doctors today, I walked past a place I had gotten an ultrasound done while pregnant with Jacob. It had only been a few weeks since we had learned about Jacobs diagnosis and I was in to get my kidneys scanned. The tech decided to scan the baby and proceeded to ask me if I had been in for my 18 week ultrasound yet and I said yes. She then proceeded to ask of they said anything and I broke down in tears telling her what we knew. Walking by that office today brought back the tears.
The reminders are just EVERYWHERE right now. I know it doesn't help I haven't bee to counseling or acupuncture, but we cant afford it right now. I know it doesn't help that the weather has been horrible and I have a severe case of cabin fever. I know it doesn't help that Bee has been out of sorts and there have been some long days and nights. It just all adds up. I am thankful I realized I have a gluten intolerance because since cutting gluten out of my diet, I have felt a ton better! Not only emotionally but physically. I'm not as foggy brained or tired. Its a start....
I seem to have a case of writers block. I don't know what is causing it but it is most cettainly there. It' not that I don't have things to write about, it's just when I start writing about something, things change. For example, this is the last blog post I was writing:
Things have been happening around here lately. I don't know what or why or how but they are a changing!
I have been busy working away on Baby's Nest. It's my other blog which offers reviews and giveaways (free products) and has a list of resources for Eco-friendly products for babies, toddlers and children. Check it out and like us on Facebook! http://www.babysnest.ca/
For those who don't know I live in the artic tundra. Well, it sure feels like the artic tundra with this "polar vortex" we've had for the last three months straight. The cold has been more bitter than ever before. The amount of snow has exceeded records (aka there's been a shit ton of snow). The wind has been howling more than a wolf at a full moon and the ice, oh the ice that has made me slip numerous times. It's been BRUTAL this winter! Yes I live in Canada where it snows and is cold, but this winter has been something else. Due to the polar vortex that will not leave, Bee and I have been pretty cabin bound. Also, the flu is running rampant so we are trying to cut down our exposure and only go out for necessities. I have been unable to go for walks. I have been unable to continues to lose weight. I was doing so well last year. I had lost all Bee and Jacobs pregnancy weight and was about to work on Ty's when BAM, mother nature let loose and hasn't stopped since. I was stuck with no where to go. My husband
I also feel I am starting to realize I am capable of doing more than I thought I could. I'm beginning to push myself, albeit very slowly, but I am working on things. My ultimate goal is to be able to leave Bee with someone I trust other than my mom or Stephen. It may take a year of two but I will get there through all my hard work and efforts. One big step I am taking is singing us up for a mom and child program. It may not sound like a big step, but it is. I have avoided being around other non bereaved mothers as of yet. But, I know for Bee's sake, she needs to be around other kids and in different settings. It broke my heart when we were out the other day at a store and she was playing with another little girl. I know she needs it so I will push myself to do my best.
But in a matter of days, I was knocked back down. It always seems when I start to get somewhere in life, bam, I'm knocked back down. Time and time again, Things were going well but got hard very quickly. It was one thing after another and has been ever since. There has been some personal family issues that have been tough to deal with. Then I found out the place I go for acupuncture, the only place I afford and acupuncture really helps my PTSD, it's closing. So now I will be left without the treatment I need.
Then there is my 30th birthday, which will get a post all of it's own. We are also still waiting to hear about my LTD decision, a decision I was told I would know by December 1st but now it could take a few more months, which financially has taken a toll on us. In the meantime, I am looking for things I can do from home and working on the book.
Then there are the "moments" that have been catching me off guard. For example, the other night at dinner I was cleaning up Bee's mess. It was all over the floor, which I don't mind, she is learning to self feed so I know it'll be messy. But we were having a conversation and I was asking her who made such a mess and she was blaming the cat and BAM, just like that, it hit me. She shouldbe be balmimg the cat, she should be blaming one of her older brothers.
Or, I was taking a bubble bath and as I looked down at my stomach, I closed my eyes. In that moment I was taken back to right after Ty died. I remember taking a bath after Ty died. My womb was empty, it's hard to describe how empty a womb can feel but it was such a painful feeling. I started to cry. I will never forget how empty, not only physically but emotionally, I felt after Ty died. Being in the bath and seeing my stomach reminded me of that.
I also came across the journal I started writing after Ty died. Now, it does have some gold in it to add to the book but reading what I wrote is tearing me up inside. I can pinpoint those feelings, I remember exactly how I felt and it's bringing up so much for me. It may be good to bring it all up and deal with it but it's a lot. It's tough to read some of my words, in a sense I still feel the same way that I did back then.
Add on the not feeling well. A few weeks back I did a carb cleanse. I was doubtful but it went amazing. I lost a bit of weight but the energy I had, oh the energy! I imagine its the kind 5 year olds are filled with. I stopped after a week and went back to eating carbs. I got sick and have not been feeling well ever since. I have been increasingly dizzy, lethargic, nauseous etc, almost like I have the fly but I don't. I decided to go back on the carb cleanse a few days ago and lasted two days but this time, I have not introduced any gluten back into my diet. I have also started taking iron (I am known to be anemic and I haven't taken my iron supplements lately, high dizziness!) but I'm also wondering if my lovely thyroid is out of whack again. Whatever it is, no gluten, more iron etc seem to be helping me feel a bit better. I have been able to get a lot done around the house.
I started a few DIY projects, finished a few and others are just waiting to be finished. It's very hard to find organic materials, especially pillow stuffing! But, I also decided that since we will be where we are a few more years (unless we win the lottery which requires buying tickets which we don't so a few more years it is) we have to make this house work for us. I am purging a lot of what we have that we really don't need. It's not a lot but it gives us the space we need. We will need to invest in a good set of dresser drawers or another wardrobe and a few other things (BBQ, outdoor furniture set, glider w/ottoman ((you all remember my love for the one we have, well it's falling apart anyways)) nightstands so I can make Bee a mini kitchen and tool bench ((I don't gender stereotype, my girl gets a kitchen and a tool bench)) and so many other things. I hope with the change in diet, prayers that the weather stops being so shitty, supplements and everything else I can find the energy to tackle this year. I need to get organized, I NEED to find work from home ((still looking for suggestions if you have any, may start selling a few sewing things on here perhaps??)) get myself in healthy condition, get this house in tip top shape and live. So many trips coming up this summer to look forward to and I need to stop letting the fear ruin my excitement. I don't want to like in anxiety anymore. I don't want to cry and get sick to my stomach when I think about things others enjoy. I don't want to burden my family anymore with not doing things because I am scared. I want to live, I need to live and it starts by finding work I can do from home! I mean, after all, can't live if we can't pay the bills.
Bet you all know how excited I am about looking for work I can do from home right now, you all remember how much I enjoyed looking for a new job last time?
Today I turn 30. When you look at it, it's just a number but it's a number I have been dreading. It's time for a new chapter in life and as I leave the 20's behind I can't help but think of where I was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I had just moved back to Ontario by myself. I was ready to start my life. I had a list of goals set and looking over those goals today made me realize, my life is vastly different from what I had planned. Most of the things on my list cannot be crossed off. The things I had intended to do before I was 30 kind of took a back seat. Give, two of the big goals, getting married and starting a family, have been completed, it still left a lot to be desired. I don't own my own house and we're not close to that either. I don't have a strong career, I mean I don't even have a career at this point. I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom but it's what's important to me now but where does that leave me as far as a career? I don't know. I need to find a way to bring in an income but more importantly, I need to do it while still being a mom first and foremost and a wife to of course.
I'm saddened by the fact that so many things went unaccomplished. It just shows how much my life has changed. It's not that I can't work on them (buying a house, finding a career, getting healthy, which I am in the process of doing) it's just, these were all suppose to happen by now and they haven't.
At the same time, my husband who is awesome, reminded me, when I pointed out that my life may be 1/3 over, The first 1/3 wasn't anything special. As he said, I learned to poop on the potty, feed myself, make my way through school, had a few relationships, got settled and started a family. He says the real fun starts now. I guess I can see his point, I see his optimism but it still is a tough cookie to chew. I find it hard to set goals these days because of setting so many and not getting close. As I stared at the list I felt a hole in my heart. I know it will never be filled, even if I do accomplish all the goals on my list in the next few years.
When I see the list, I see the old me, the old life I wanted. There wasn't pain, there wasn't agony, there wasn't tragedy. There weren't two children buried, there wasn't PTSD, it was simple, it was clean.
As I jump into the 30's (not literally, I woke up barfing oh the joy) I think about what I want to do and what I want to accomplish before I am 40 because when I turn 40, I don't want to feel any regret. I don't want to miss out or not achieve goals. So when I sit down to write my goals, this time, no matter hell or high water, they will be accomplished. I don't plan on taking it easy either. I am going to set some pretty big tasks ahead and hopefully, I can get them all accomplished well before I turn 40.
Goodbye 20's, you have served me well. You saw me enter and exit University as a certified teacher. You saw me end a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend. You saw mw venture out on my own and move back to Ontario. You saw me give a shot at online dating. You saw me meet the man of my dreams and marry him. You saw me become a mother, not once, not twice but three times. You took away my innocence, you ripped my of my simple life. You instilled heartache and tragedy amongst my heart. You built me to be a stronger, more resilient, more determined person. You brought me to faith, only to rip it away but you did one thing right. You ended on the perfect note. My amazingly smart, beautiful miracle little girl whom I adore with all my heart and being.
Hello 30's. Get ready for another bumpy ride as we make our way into purchasing our own home, expanding out family, taking many vacations and trips. As we grow as a couple and as parents. As I get healthy and make changes in our lives to make us all healthy. As I work on finding a career path I enjoy. As I work on keeping up my blogs. As I work on writing my first book. As I work on enjoying the now an trying very hard to not let fear dictate my life. As I work on fighting my PTSD to not let it dictate my life. I want to dictate my life, I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to always be anxious. I want to feel freedom and I know it's a long road ahead of a lot of work but it has to be done. I want my 30's to be the best days of my life.
I just wish I could have rung it in on not such a sick note.