Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck in grief and I suppose in a sense I will. There will never come a time when I don't grieve the death of Ty and Jacob just like the pain never goes away, you just adjust to living with it. Without going into much detail until I have more details, in the last few days some things have come up and they have me wondering if there will ever be one year in my life where crappy stuff does not exist in my life. One would think the death of your first two children would be enough but it seems life likes to throw us continuous curve balls. How bad this curve ball is, I do not know yet but it has the potential to be bad. I just ask for prayers but at this point that's even iffy for me.
I didn't grow up in the church so this whole God and church thing is new to me and I tell ya, I've been really struggling lately, especially after the news yesterday. I just feel like we continue to be punished, for what, I have no idea! People always say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but sorry to say, that's a huge load of BS. I've had enough, I don't want to deal with anymore, at least not anytime soon. I've been through enough. I just want some time to enjoy life and my family. I just want to wake up every day next to my little girl and feel blessed, which I do, but waking up next to my little girl feeling blessed and having to worry about certain things going on, no thanks!
We will be waiting on pins and needles the next few months, wondering what the future will hold and in the meantime, I am going to love the shit out of my daughter. I never knew love could be this amazing and that's not to say it isn't with my husband, it's a different kind of love. Bee is my life, my light and my love and I am so thankful she is in my life, it gives me something to focus on in the midst of yet more curve balls.
I know I've recently mentioned that the most commonly asked question when people find out we have just had a baby is, "is this your first" and again, I don't know why people ask but it does bother me because does it really matter? No.....
Well there is another question that is almost asked just as much, even from strangers, but it doesn't bother me because I know people are curious after all we have been through. The second most asked question is "are you going to have another one"? Let's just all take a step back for a moment and remember what we had to go through just to get Bee here. It took 3 years, two deaths and a hell of a journey to get Bee here safely. I don't think some people understand how hard it was to go through Bee's pregnancy after Ty and Jacob's death. We have waited a long time for a living baby to bring home and all I care about right now is enjoying every single possible second I can with Bee. The thought of another baby is not even on my mind, in fact, at the moment, no I don't want to try again. I rather save the physical heartache and go for adopting/fostering. But I don't even want to think about that right now. Right now its all about Bee, she is my world, my life, my light. I never knew how much my heart could grow until she came into my life. I want to make sure I don't miss a moment of her growing up, I want this time for just the two of us (well Dad too) but right now I don't want to even think about the future. I'm finally living in the moment and enjoying it as much as I can because I know within a second it could all be taken from me.
Bee truly is my life right now and she always will be and maybe in a few years when she is older I'll get baby fever but right now the only fever I have is a hankering for some kettle popcorn. As my beautiful miracle sleeps and I look forward to and await her middle night feed, I sit and breathe. Bee breathed life into me.
Speaking of which, okay not really related at all but I am making a movie of my pregnancy with Ty, Jacob and Bee. I didn't have a song for Bee so I was searching online today. Let's just say I had some good cry's today. Some of the songs I listened to melted my heart, made me miss the boys so much and realize how thankful I am to have been holding Bee while she slept. It's going to take awhile to make the movie but I think in the end I will be very happy with it. It's probably the saddest movie ever, especially with the songs I picked, but I want to share my journey and hope it gives inspiration to others. I will post it on here once it is complete but I have a feeling it may be fall before I'm done with it. It has to be perfect.
This weekend my mom and I attended the Women's Lifestlye Show. We went last year and decided to make it a yearly thing (last year was better) but I had to reveal my makeover on stage in front of people after they heard my story. Talk about gut wrenching fear. However, I did it, I did not chicken out, I pushed myself to do it because the old me wouldn't have done that and the new me needs to take these steps to figure out who the new me was. I even got to wear an adorable outfit that I am going to buy because it made me feel good. I didn't like the makeup though, but I've never been huge on makeup and I really don't like liquid foundation so I felt gross after I was caked with makeup, but it did make me want to buy some new makeup just to jazz it up a bit when Stephen and I go out for dinner dates, I did kind of like how it looked but just wanted it toned down.
However, I was NOT the main attraction at the show, it was Bee. Let's just say there were about 100 booths at the show and almost every single booth we passed people wanted to see Bee. She got sooo many "awww shes so cute", "shes adorable" etc....I'm so thankful I decided to wear her in the wrap because I can only imagine how many grabby stranger hands would have tried to touch her, thankful no one did and we stayed germ free. I felt so proud to be walking around and having everyone oggle over her because I had waited for that moment so long so I basked in the glory.
All in all it was a good weekend as you can tell from the photos below, makeover pics will be posted soon!
Having some fun at the WLS
Bee was in the pic too, just can't see her
* It absolutely kills me when I am out and see a family who have two older boys and then a little girl. I feel so bad that Bee will never have that. I see how they protect their little sister and pick on her and Bee will never have that. I know Ty and Jacob watch over her and protect her from above but it's different. She will never know the love or protection of older brothers. She will never come crying to me that her brothers are picking on her. She will never have older brothers to talk to about boys. She will never have older brothers sticking up for her against anyone who tries to bully her. She will never have that and seeing it really hurts. It's a constant reminder of how things should be and remind me why I feel so sad lately...it's because this is not how things should be.
* Music makes me cry. I was sitting with Bee yesterday getting in some afternoon snuggles while listening to some music. "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless came on, if you haven't heard it, youtube it. I heard this song while pregnant with Bee and it became my song, our song. The words behind it had so much meaning to me. As I sat with Bee yesterday I held her a little tighter and kissed her a little more while I balled. The words felt so heavy on my heart. I had to stop the music after that, it was just too emotional.
* If your walking in the mall you may want to pay attention to where you are walking because if you are walking anywhere near me and I have a stroller, you not looking and instead being in la la land may end up with you running into my child in which case I would have a few choice words for you. Remember, there are things bigger then you in the mall, you should watch out or you may get injured. Oh and theres these lovely things called common sense and consideration, which I know most people lack these days, but really, its a lot easier for you to move your ass out of the way then it is for me to swerve my big stroller around you well you are ogling the telephone booth.
*Parking spots for parents with small children are for PARENTS WITH SMALL CHILDREN! There is a reason they make these spots and again, yes I know most people lack consideration and common sense but when a sign clearly states a spot if for families with small children, there is a very good reason so stop being an ass about it.
* Going to the mall seems to piss me off more than it helps.
*Bee is still not big on smiling, I've caught a few rare moments and they have been great! Stephen bought me a book about how babies grow week by week for the first year and I was a bit concerned because Bee was not and is still not near reaching certain milestones, which had me worried. But then I did some research as Bee was premature (3 1/2 weeks early) and after talking to a few people and reading a bunch, turns out she is pretty much on track....for her due date age, not her real age. That means even though she is 10 weeks, developmentally she is only 6 1/2 weeks which makes so much more sense and is where she is at. I didn't think it would make much of a difference but it really does and supposedly in the first year, it can make a huge difference. I still feel like sometimes I am failing her as a parent because I'm not sure what to do and she's not meeting these milestones but when I look at it from the perspective above, it makes total sense and she's fine.
* I really miss Ty and Jacob lately, I mean like hardcore, lots of tear kind of missing the boys. It makes it so very hard to be away from Bee. I had to get my hair done yesterday for the makeover (which I love the colour and cut just not the short bangs) and all I cared about was getting home to Bee. I missed her so much. We spent all day yesterday cuddling and I held her a bit tighter because I know I am blessed to have her in my life. She truly is my light through the darkness. She of course took that as a sign that I wanted to cuddle....all night. She usually goes to bed at 8 but last night we tried and until 12am we rocked, walked, bounced, did everything because she did not want to sleep, she just wanted cuddles too.
*I can't necessarily say I am all that excited about the makeover. I think just the hassle of it seems like a lot to me, I mean logistically for Bee's sake, it's going to be difficult. I plan on wearing her to the show because it's so busy I would inevitably take quite a few people out with the stroller so baby wearing it is, however, once Bee is settled in the wrap she is good to go (we even successfully accomplished learning how to breastfeed while in it) but to have to get ready for the show and have it take an hour to get ready, that may not go over well with Bee. I hope they are accommodating and let me wear her as long as possible before I have to take her out. Perhaps it is also because I still do not like the way I look. I think a makeover at this point was a bit preemptive. I think I should have waited until I lost some more weight, fit into some better clothes and felt better about myself. Perhaps it is because I like control, I like to make my own plans and now they go according to Bee and having other people make our schedule off is not settling well with me. Perhaps it is also because I don't feel like I deserve it quite yet....who knows but I must do it. I know I can always back out last minute but I think I need to push myself to do it so I can get over all of the above.
*I never knew my heart could feel so much love for my daughter, even when it's 2am and shes wide awake, quiet but awake, or 2pm and screaming her head off. I just love her so incredibly much, she is my world. She also happens to be adorably cute.
*When people find out that I just had a baby their first questions is always "Is this your first" can I just ask why the heck it matters if she is my first? Does that make her more special or something, does it make her deserve a prize, does it mean you are going to give me unwarranted advice? Why do you HAVE to ask that, why don't you ask whether she is a little girl or boy, why don't you ask what her name is, how she's doing, why does it always have to be about whether or not she is my first. Thankfully, I've always answered no shes my 3rd but our first two boys died, seems to shut people up right away.
In other news, I entered to win a makeover and though I did not win the whole package they decided to give all entrants a makeover (just without the photos) so on Wednesday I go for a new hair cut and colour and makeup but the HUGE anxiety ridden part is that on Sunday I will be going to the Women's Lifestyle show with my mom (a new tradition we started last year) and I get to go up on stage in front of a ton of people, tell me story and show them my makeover AHHHH. For anyone who knows me, I am a social hermit, I do not like being the center of attention, in fact I hate it! But, I decided this is a new me, this is a step for the new me to take, I'm going to face one of my fears and not look back. The other thing, I thought sharing my story may be good in case someone in the audience is going through something similar with infant loss, maybe I can give them some hope. I will make sure to post pics if I approve of them when all is said and done! Bee's Easter pics will also be in soon eeeekkk, some darn cuteness coming this way!
Bee and I were out running some errands today, little miss and I had to get our lovely passport photos. At least they turned out better then my driver's license! Thankfully Bee was awake and content as well so we were able to get hers done. We ended up going to Wal-Mart so we could walk around a bit afterwords since the weather the last two days has not been outside walker friendly.
As we were strolling the aisles I decided I wanted to go look at the garden stuff. I want to do something nice for the boys headstones this spring/summer so I was meandering quietly when I stopped in front of some solar lights. They had these solar lights last year but I was never able to find two of the same kind. I was looking for the blue jays as that is another thing that reminds me of the boys because at our old house two blue jays would always come by our window. Well, they had two but unfortunately beaks/wings were broken off so I did not buy them. But that's not what my sign was. As I was standing there in a rather quiet area of the store the song on the radio caught my attention and the tears started. Playing was the song Sweet Pea by Amos Lee.
Now for you that have never heard of him I had not either. I only know of the song because we nicknamed Jacob Sweet Pea so when I was looking for songs for him I searched and up came this song by Amos Lee and I feel in love. Amos Lee is not very well known nor are his songs ever played on the radio so when I heard that song today I just knew it was my Sweet Pea Jacob saying Hi. Just as I was standing there thinking about the boys and their headstones and the blue jays and then that song I just knew. I mean that song is never played on the radio and there I was today of all days, at that very moment in a quiet area of the store, thinking about the boys and sweet Jacob gave me a very clear sign. Of course I teared up but I was able to hold it together. I just stood there until the song ended wiped my tears and went on our way.
The rest of the day went down hill but all I can think about is that moment.
In other news, Bee is hitting her fussy peak. After much research and opinions I decided to base Bee's milestones off her adjusted date meaning I go by when she was really due, so even though she is 9 weeks I base her milestones at 5 1/2 weeks and from what I was reading she is at that age milestone wise and I recently read that this is the peak of crying and let me tell you she is peaking!
Bee is an awesome baby, don't get me wrong. I love that little girl more than anything in the world. She is superb at sleeping at night. We are in a routine she gets a bottle at 8 and we lay her down given it takes about 3 tries and almost until 9-9:30 for her to finally fall asleep but then she sleeps a good 5-7 1/2 hours, gets up and eats then sleeps 2-4 more hours and then we get up. She doesn't fight sleep at night, I keep everything very quiet and dark and we both get up, she eats, I change her and we go back to bed without much fuss. This is not the case during the day. She seems to think she'll miss something so she fights sleep tooth and nail. It takes her forever to fall asleep during the day and then she only naps about 20 minutes twice a day (more if we are out and she is in her carseat or being held) I am extremely thankful she decides to fight sleep during the day and not at night. However, due to that fact I think she may cause me to go deaf. I'm the kind of mom who can't stand to leave a child screaming, which is why I think the let them cry it out seep method will not be used in our house but that means holding her while she screams and she has quite the set of lungs on her and knows how to use them!
There's so many things I am learning as a first time parent. I thought working in a day care center in the infant room for a few years would have given me a leg up....nope, I have so much to learn. I think the biggest thing is learning what Bee needs, her cues and just everything about being a parent. I know she likes to be held and after all we have been through I don't mind holding her most of the day. I am learning how to handle having to take care of her and house work (which has led me to asking my husband for some help and giving up on him doing things my way and just being happy with him doing it anyways)
We started cloth diapers this week (YAH) which with skinny thighs does not mix very well. However ,I love cloth so on we go. Poor Bee has a huge butt from them and her pants barely fit but oh well, I'm not giving up on cloth. I also finally got to go through all her clothes and let me tell you girlfriend does NOT need clothes for like 3 years. I've grown quite the collection over the last few years and added a few finishing touches the last few weeks. I also bought her a new bathing suit, hat sunglasses and sandals because we plan on spending a lot of time at the beach this summer. She is going to look so stinkin cute!
I'm also a pro at breastfeeding in public now and feel comfortable doing it which is a huge accomplishment for me. I also love baby wearing and am in love with my Baby Hawk and Bee is as well (she will sleep in that if we are out for a walk too) I have a feeling some long walks will be in our plans when the weather is nicer, if anything it will help me lose this grief weight. And on that note, I hear motherhood calling (have I mentioned how much I love it and how totally head over heels in love I am with my daughter?) It also still sounds funny to say daughter and I realize I use the word also a lot. I need a thesaurus. Cute pics to come in a few days.
Today was an absolutely gorgeous day out weather wise so after we got back from Bee's Easter pictures (little miss was NOT having it lol so it'll be interesting to see if any of the pics turned out) I decided to go for a walk. Well okay, by that time I really didn't want to go for a walk but I have 20 lbs to lose until I reach my pre-pregnancy weight. Given, half of that is my grief weight from after the boys died which I still carry around, but 20lbs I have to go! I have to do it no matter how lazy I feel. I contemplated where to go because I really was not feeling it. Walking around the neighbourhood gets boring, Springbank Park was an option but I didn't want to go by myself and there really is only one place on earth I love to walk around no matter how lazy I feel....the cemetery. As soon as I thought of it I really wanted to go, I found my motivation!
I packed Bee up and we headed to our little Heaven on Earth. I use to think cemetery's were creepy but it really is the only place I feel at peace now. There is just something so wonderfully peaceful about being amongst the dead. Perhaps it's because it is so quiet and there is so much nature right in the middle of a city.
Anyways, I knew Ty and Jacob had a new little person near them because the other day when we drove by I saw the dreaded green tent so it wasn't a surprise to me when I pulled up today and could tell someone had been recently buried.
I walked by and looked at the grave marker, a little boy who was about 3. I knew he was about 3 because his marker said 2010-2013. I stopped for a moment and fixed up his flowers as they had fallen over and then stepped 5 more steps to the boys and as I was standing in front of Ty's headstone, that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. That little boy was Ty's age, or close to it and then all I could think about was Ty and how he should be turning 3 this year and has it really been 3 years already?
Bee and I continued our walk but it's all I could think about, it's all I can still think about. 3 years...I just can't believe it. I guess at the time it seemed like time was passing by so slowly but in hindsight, it's been 3 years! i just can't fathom everything that has happened in the last 3 years. I thought about this little boy, being born and growing up and his parents and everything that would have happened to him in the last 3 years and it made me miss Ty so much.
It made me realize how exhausted I truly should be with 3 kids under 3. I mean our lives should really be insanely busy with 3 little ones but it's not. Instead we have our one little miracle and two angels. It's not the life I could have ever imagined. Who would have thought that at such a young age you would be reserving your plot at a cemetery and making sure you have life insurance. But the last 3 years has taught us that life is not guaranteed and in fact, it is quite short.
Seeing that little boys age today really has taken me a step back. i can't stop thinking about 3 years and everything 3 years has brought us. It's funny how the littlest things can set you back....I could go on and on but I have a cute little lady who would like to be snuggled and lord knows I can't get enough of that, after all, we've waited so long I don't want it to stop! I'll post her Easter Pics as soon as we get them, in the meantime, here is a sneak peak at what she wore.
* I am very thankful Bee is starting to sleep well at night, we had a new record of 7 hours straight last night for her (I had to get up after 6 and pump, the ladies were rock hard and sore) BUT, I sure do miss my nighttime snuggles as much as they exhaust me, I just know they won't last long.
*I also find that when she sleeps long periods I worry that she has died, even though she wears a Snuza Halo.
*I'm a pretty calm mom but when anyone gets close to hurting my baby I get ape shit crazy....I'm still extremely pissed at the lady who let her son almost kick Bee in the face, to that lady, be thankful he didn't or you and your son would be hurting something else! Anyone ever lays a finger on her they will have a price to pay, kid or not.
*My grief is on a whole new level for the boys. Every time Bee does something new or hits a milestone, I think of the boys. I find my love for them is so different then it is for Bee and it makes me feel guilty. I mean I love them but my love for Bee is like head over heels, on cloud 9, can't get enough of her love.
*I hate my body, yes I know it is the best price to pay because I only got here through the love of my children and a lot of cookies but still, I hate how I look now. I am finding it hard to get motivated to do anything about it though. I have started to try and eat a lot healthier and by that I mean actually eat between taking care of Bee and on nice days we do get out for walks and hopefully soon some runs. I also bought some new exercise clothes and will get new shoes soon enough. What I would really like is for Jillian Michaels to come be my personal for a month, heck I'd take a week with her.
*Bee is the cutest EVER!!!!
*I don't know when I can get her passport because finding a time when she is awake to get her passport photos is almost impossible. She always falls asleep in her car seat.
*The world has gone to hell, so many people think the are entitled to so many things and they are so very wrong. I have seen some interesting stories lately that really make me think....what has the world come too? Speaking of which, I was driving a few weeks back after a few days of a bad snowstorm. Now for those who don't walk on the sidewalks let me say this, yes the sidewalk plows do take away a lot of the snow but it is still very hard to walk let along try and get a wheelchair to go over the massive amounts of ice and snow the plow could not get, so when you see a person in a wheelchair on the road slow the heck down, pull over into the other lane because honking and flipping them off only shows how much of a douche bag you really are. It's not their fault they can't travel on the sidewalks because they aren't clear like the roads. Have some friggin compassion.
*I dislike when you are charged for an item twice (and a rather pricey one) but don't realize it until you get home and look at the receipt.
*I'm looking forward to dinner tonight, chicken with gravy (healthy version) and potatoes...mmm....Maybe I'll even get to eat it!
*I love my BabyHawk, it lets Bee and me bond, lets her sleep and lets me get things done around the house.
*I think she just peed on me (we are trying new enviro friendly diapers until our cloths arrive)
*We are starting cloth diapers this week WHOOT!!! Hoping it goes well.
*I can't wait to see how her Easter pictures this weekend turn out, shes frickin adorable and the outfit I have for her OMG....get ready for adorableness cute overload.
Today was the annual Bereaved Families walk at Westmount Mall in London. It's our 3rd year attending and it was almost more emotional today then the past two. Today was a funny day, filled with many different emotions. All I could think about was one year ago when we walked around that mall just 5 months after burying our second son. Friends we had met through our infant loss group just had their baby girl and another were expecting their baby boy any day. Seeing them was very hard, I'll admit I was very jealous but also heartbroken. Just a year before that we had all walked that mall as first time bereaved parents yet some of them had the joy of a rainbow the second time around.
I thought back to how we felt, where we were. Like I mentioned, we had just buried Jacob 5 months earlier and at that moment in time we had decided not to try again. We walked that mall in a somber mood, others were happily loving on their rainbows and we had to bury ours. We thought we were done with tying to have our own kids, I was still on medication for depression and in such a fog. I would never have imagined one year later that I would finally get to be that infant loss parent beaming with pride over showing my rainbow baby off. It felt so good to walk that mall today pushing a stroller that held my daughter snugly and warm, her precious life. I couldn't stop smiling as we walked around, how amazing it felt to be pushing that stroller, to have people coming to see her and ask about her. But as happy as I was, I saw the pain in others eyes. The newly bereaved infant loss moms, some who are expecting again but some who aren't. I remember how it felt to see those beaming moms last year, it tears you up because they have something you so badly want but haven't received yet. As we walked with our friends, one whom is expecting her rainbow in a mere 19 days and another who has a long journey ahead but their time will be here before they know it, I couldn't help but think about the last 3 years and how it has led to today. I walked and talked and never took my eyes off my baby, I couldn't, I simply can't. When you wake up everyday and are in the presence of a true miracle it's hard to see anything else but that. I sit here and stare at her in amazement. I never thought my heart could love a little girl so much, I never knew how it felt. It is a different kind of love then the boys because she is here in my presence and teaches me so much everyday, She is living proof miracles do happen, she is a sign of hope and faith and to never give up. I am head over heels in love with this little lady that I have been so blessed with, I just can't get enough of her.
It was an incredibly long and very difficult road to get here and I had so many fears but every single thing I went through was worth it, she was totally worth it. Thinking about one year ago today made me think about last August as well. We were at our almost weekly social worker session when she asked us, where do you see yourself in one year (which would be August 2013) I told her I didn't see anything, I couldn't. I could not let myself think ahead that far to what may be. I couldn't picture my life with Bee, I just couldn't do it and yet here I am today thinking about all the things that will happen in August 2013 now that she is here. I know her life is not guaranteed but she is here and I will do everything I can to make sure she is here as long as she can be. I'm actually starting to look into the future now, we are making plans for the future which involve our daughter. I can say that in August we will most likely take a few days trips here and there, keep Bee hydrated and out of the sun, make sure she has her protective bathing suit on for lazy days at the beach. My hopes and dreams are starting to come back, I feel I have moments to live for now, times I can make plans for. I have waited so long to have moments like these but days like today make me remember how far we have come, how long and hard the journey was to get here. My dreams and hopes were dashed twice and a year ago today, I never could have imagined my life being here it is today. I would have assumed we'd just be in the thick of trying to adopt, instead I sit here at 11pm at night pumping away having just laid Bee down for the night (or so I can hope) I think about our friends who are on their rainbow journeys and i can't wait for them to feel this, it's so euphoric. I know they can't see it yet and I don't blame them, I was that way 9 weeks ago. I still had so much doubt and fear even though we were so close to having Bee here.
I know how they feel, the anxiety, the fear, the terror, the what ifs, the waking up every hour at night to make sure the baby is still moving, I remember all of that, all of that fear. Oddly enough Stephen said to me the other day he wanted Irish twins (when you have two babies born in the same year) I laughed at him. As much as I miss being pregnant, I do not miss the fear and terror. At this point I don't even want to try again, but knowing that this time last year I said the same thing and look what happened (the best thing ever) who knows what our future will hold. It is amazing what one year can bring, how much things can change in one year. The last year has most certainly been a very hard journey but one that was well worth it. Many said we were crazy to try again but I couldn't be more pleased that we did because in the end, I have found life again, I have found reasons to look into the future, I have found my hopes and dreams that were dashed from under me twice. One year......one year ago I was in a very dark place, I had no faith, no hope, no dreams. They were simply gone. I lived each day just to breathe, just to stay alive and take care of the living family I did have. I had some very dark moments but I held on to this thing we called life and in one year our lives have been blessed 10fold.
I also found it very fitting that as proud of a new parent that I was at the walk, on the way out they were playing On Eagles Wings and it set me back, it reminded me of why on earth I got up early this morning after a night of very little sleep, we have two angels in Heaven we had to honor. We have people in our life who are now on their journey that we need to support (and love doing it as well) It reminded me that one year ago I heard the same song and felt life was over, there was nothing joyous in our lives and I was doubtful there would ever be. It simple amazes me how much change can happen in one year. I can only imagine what the next year will bring, but this time I have hope, we are making plans, I can think into the future and where we may be, where Bee may be because through the midst of the dark we held on and have now found the light. One year can make such a difference in someones life, you just have to hold on and know that good things can happen and will happen in as little as one year.
I do apologize for grammar and spelling but I am exhausted to the point where the screen is one big blur! On that note, I am off to bed, sleep next to my beautiful, precious, amazing little girl that one year ago I never would have thought that she would be in my life.
Phoebe with her great grandma, a blog for another day of our festivities prior to the walk this weekend.