Spring is here, well it's suppose to be here. This winter has been BRUTAL! It has been never ending. Cabin fever has led to depression. We've attempted to go our for walks, but it's been too cold. We are avoiding being out in public to keep away from all the sickies. We are SO ready for the nice weather! I need to get out and walk, we have a Mexican vacation coming up soon.
Anxiety has also been out of control, it has been eating away at me. I think it literally has as I've had really bad acid reflux. Peppermint tea has been my best friend as have crackers. My mind wanders though, it goes to the bad places and causes me to think about the worst case scenarios. It really does not help that it's tax season (which is not going to end well for us because of government bullshit) and that it is now going on 6 months since I applied for an insurance claim, of which I was told it would take 30 days and now they are telling me June. I can't do much about it and I think that's what has me stressed the most. I also feel my case manage really screwed things up by not doing things how she was suppose to making things take even longer. I know I have no control over it and I know it probably will be June before I hear but it's very stressful.
Bee has been rocking though. She gets into EVERYTHING and climbs EVERYTHING. I told Stephen not to be surprised when I call and say I'm taking Bee to the ER. This morning she dropped her sippy cup on her toe and now its blue and black. It's just a matter of weeks before she breaks something. I spend all day saying Bee get down, Bee sit on your Bum, Bee becareful, Bee don't eat that and trying to show her things she can do instead. But, she is a girl after her own heart and does what she wants. I tend to let her do it if it isn't putting her in eminent danger. Kids falls, they get bumps and bruises and she loves to learn and get into things. She is a very spirited, strong willed child (much like I was) so I tend to let her Bee. I know I am raising her right because we attended a birthday party this weekend for her boyfriend and everyone kept saying what a strong, tough, beautiful, smart and kind little girl she is. They were able to see that in the two hours we were there and it means a lot to me to hear people say that, it shows me I am doing something right even when I feel I'm not. Lord knows I am so in love with that little girl though. Some days she is the only reason I make it through. She is my everything and she is just so awesome!
I will do right by her and make sure she has the best life. I will make sure we can provide for her so she can experience life (not talking material items but rather life experiences) I look forward to cooking/baking with her, camping, hiking, going to the new aquarium in Toronto , the science center, the zoo, so many wonderful places to experience life. Of course, there is Mexico but I doubt she'll remember any of it, we will however.
Other than that, things are going. Spring will be here soon, we will be packing for Mexico before we know it, hoping my anxiety can calm down, insurance will be approved, get into the program I am waiting for, gaw so much waiting around. Does everyone not know how impatient I am? I like to get stuff done asap not wait for months on end, it's really pushing my buttons!
Oh and the book, 70 pages done, just finishing typing up Ty's journals and then going through the 100's of journals I have from Jacob and Bee's pregnancy. Passed our info along to an editor and am nervously waiting to hear back from them.....
Beauty ready for her boyfriends party
At least for today anyways. I am well aware that even though today was sunny +7 and just gorgeous out, tomorrow is suppose to be -17 with a major snow storm. It's the beauty of where I live. But I plead for more days like today. Bee and I always get out for walks in this kind of weather and it is just so damn refreshing for the soul. The sun shines into my heart and warms it up. The sounds of the birds chirping rings in my ears and plays a sweet melody. The crisp cool air cleanses my lungs. After Fall, Spring is my favourite season. It brings a sense of new. It brings a sense of cleansing of the soul.
On days like today I feel relatively good. This kind of weather always puts me in a better mood. We walk, we walk miles while my mind meanders. I think about where we are, how we got there, where we are headed. I think about the tragic death of Ty and Jacob and the new life of Bee. I think about our struggles and how we can find a way out. I think about the fact that I need to work on writing my book but the writing has been so hard lately, not only that but I'm really enjoying working on my other blog (Baby's Nest) it's going places. I am challenging myself to learn HTML code, I am reaching out to companies, they are reaching out to me (this is always a great sign that people are paying attention to what I am doing). Things are being accomplished and I do see the direction we are suppose to go in.
Hep A vaccines have been scheduled, resort has been booked and our plane has been booked. Going to Mexico is now official, excuse me while I barf, and with it the anxiety continues to pile but on days like today, I feel okay with it. Perhaps maybe even slightly excited? It will truly be a huge challenge for me, a step to take in over coming my anxiety. It will always be there but I can control it. I just need to figure out how! I'm still in shock that every happened the way it did. But, because of it I am also secretly working on something else that I really hope comes together, if it does, it will be a HUGE step for the infant loss community.....and even if it doesn't, at least I am trying. Come on Mother Nature, bring me more Spring! It gives me motivation to get crap done.
When I logged onto Facebook this morning, the first headline I saw was "Matt Stajan on leave from Flames (Calgary NHL team) after tragic death of newborn son. Headlines like this hurt my head and my heart. It brings me back to those moments it happened to us the first time. Perhaps I am very sensitive right now because typing up my journal from after Ty died and going through my blog posts after Jacob died has been so emotional. Reading hospital records, it's all too much sometimes. Then I see headlines like the one above and my heart just aches. How I wish I could embrace his wife right now. Nothing can be said but tears can be shed and people can be held. It's about all you can do in this situation. Having been there twice, I know there is nothing I can say, I know there is nothing anyone wants to hear. People just want to cry, people want their children remembered.
After it initially happens, people do not care to see the light at the end of the tunnel because after a child dies, you surely feel like that will never happen. It eventually does but when you're so fresh from grief, when you just bury your child, when you can't find the reason to get out of bed or eat, all people want is their child. Sure, it's great that people drop off food because trust me, cooking is the last thing on their mind. Even better, buying a blanket or something and having it embroidered with their child's names. Donating in their child's name. They want people to acknowledge that their child was indeed just that, their child.
A lot of the headlines I read in regards to this used the words "tragic" and "parent's worst nightmare". They couldn't have used better words as it is truly a tragedy and a parents worst nightmare. I'm not naïve, I know babies die but when it happens to people who aren't celebrities, you don't hear about it. It's almost like you can tuck away the knowledge that babies die but then there are news headlines like this and it brings it out front. There is no hiding from perinatal and infant loss. We are among the millions, a group no one wants to belong to, no one wants to talk about, no one wants to acknowledge, but we are strong for eachother. We are there for eachother. I feel so close to some of the women I have met online after Ty and Jacob died. They get me, they get how it is. They have also lived the parents worst nightmare.
It just hurts my heart so much that yet another family has to go through burying their son and trying to keep themselves a float in the depths of their sorrow. I know it happens every day, quite a few times in a day, I just wish it could stop. I wish no family had to go through this, but if they do, I hope they know there is a world of help and support out there for them. They don't have to do this alone, nor do they have to feel isolated. I remember how horrible it felt being isolated, I don't want that for others. So for today, I will remember baby Emerson, though I do not know him or his parents, they are now the face of infant loss like so many of us.
Curious as to know where my state of mind currently is? I'm stressed over luggage. Yes luggage has me sick to my stomach, worried and stressed. Everything has been piling up lately and I feel guilty for even saying it because I know people in way worse situations but this is my life and luggage has me stressed.
I don't think it's generally the luggage, I think it is just a small part of a much bigger worry but the little things add up. It seems to be one thing after another and luggage had me today. Yup, luggage. I can't believe it either but the fact that I did not get what I was expecting (totally off from what I expected) it has thrown me for a doozie. I like to plan, I like to know exactly what to expect and when that doesn't happen, I lose my shit. Yes, easy fixes for these small problems but when there are so many and so close to when they need to be solved, I start to panic. I want to run away from it all but can't. I have to stand and wallow in it while digging myself out. I will dig myself out, I have no other choice but the anxiety eats away at me even for the small things. I don't feel I can handle it. If luggage can throw me off, that's scary. To know it could make me feel this way, it worries me. I seem to be getting off the path of healing and have taken a detour to a more stressed filled, anxious life. But, I sit and wait in limbo to be able to get the help I need. Can't afford acupuncture, still have no idea when I will get into the adult mental health program, can't afford to see the counselor on the side, rescue remedy is good for really bad days (I've only had to take it once this year but perhaps I need a bit more right now) the help is not there, the help I need is not currently on the horizon but I reuse to give up.
Bee keeps me going, she is my life. She gives me reason for everything. On days where my stomach and mind are dizzy with fear, she keeps my feet on the ground and my head up. Sure, I might barely be breathing, but we make it day by day. I'll figure it out eventually and hopefully I can figure out our luggage debacle. Lord knows I have to do that soon!
Things have been quiet over here these days, but it does not mean we aren't busy! In fact, I can barely keep my head up we are so busy. Between fighting with the insurance company, OHIP, planning our trip to Mexico, Bee getting teeth (or something that has made her very off) and getting my blog up and running, I've barely had time to write. Not to say I haven't been dealing with grief, I have, especially as of late for some reason.
Actually I know the reason. The other key part of me being busy is writing the book. It's bringing up so many emotions. It's bringing me back to those early days and all the feelings I had. I read my words and can't believe I wrote some of them. They are very hard to read. To know my mind was so far gone to even think some of the things I wrote, which I will not be putting in the book, it's way too personal. But it keeps me busy and it'll be nice to have all the details, while I can still remember most of them, in one place so when I am older I can re-read it and remember.
My other blog has also been keeping me quite busy. Since I am unable to work but need to find a source of income, I am affiliating with many stores and shops on my other blog. If you are an online shopper (Amazon, Zulily, Toms etc....) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hop on over to Baby's Nest (http://www.babysnest.ca/) and click on my affiliate links. They are on the home page, right side about half way down. PLEASE remember to use my affiliate links. When you use my affiliate links, a portion (commission %) comes to me and we really need the income. Not to say you have to buy things online, but if you do, please take a look at Baby's Nest and see if what you are looking for is there. I plan on adding a few more as well but for now, please make good use of the links. I'd say please again but it seems redundant.
In Bee news, shes wild and I love it. She truly is a mini me. I keep telling my mom things she is doing (climbing up things and being a daredevil) and my mom keeps saying it reminds her of someone else when they were young. Well played karma, well played! She had her first little fever, though the doctor said it wouldn't be classified as a "fever" but her temp was elevated. I didn't do much nor did I freak out because she still seemed okay. It went away in a few days but was replaced with incredibly fussy and clingy child, which is not how Bee normally is. That's when I decided to go to the doc to just make sure it wasn't an ear infection or anything. She checked out fine and after two nights of not sleeping (literally) she seems to be on the mend. I think it may be teeth but who knows these days!
We've started making plans for our Mexico trip so my stomach has been pretty off lately due to the stress. The worry is starting to pile even though I figured out some things that were making me nervous. The anxiety will probably continue to build up until the day we go. I think the next few weeks will be the calm before the storm. Time to hunker down and reduce all the other stressors as much as possible because this one is big.
Again, please remember to check Baby's Nest for my affiliate links. We could really use the little income it will provide us! Shopping online is better anyways. You don't have to get ready, you can do it while wearing your pajamas, having your morning coffee, eating breakfast, breastfeed, the possibilities are endless!
My little fashionista heading to lunch for grandmas birthday! Just because it is cold doesn't mean we cant dress fancy.