The death of Ty and Jacob has caused me to lose my innocence. I will never be so ignorantly blissful of life ever again. So many things in life make me cry due to my loss of innocence. When I see friends on facebook who post their baby shower photos, I remember I was them once. I remember Ty's baby showers. We were so thrilled and happy, surrounded by love and lots of gifts. I remember how it felt back then, how innocent we were, so blissfully unaware. But, then my mind goes there, my mind wonders if they too will lose a baby or if they will get to bring theirs home. How would they feel if at 37 weeks after a very exciting first pregnancy filled with love, baby showers, nursery set ups etc, if they found out all they dreamed about, hoped for, longed for and celebrated was gone in a matter of a few simple words "I am sorry, there is no heartbeat". I can't imagine anyone going through a pregnancy without wondering if it will end on a happy note or sad but only us baby loss parents think that way. I cry because I too was once elated at being a first time mom, albeit, it was a "tough" pregnancy but little did I know.
No one ever told me that babies die, no one I knew had a baby die. But now every time I know someone who is pregnant my mind wanders. It goes there, I can't stop it but I can pray for their babies safe arrival because I would never wish that upon anyone. I will admit, I am jealous that they still have their innocence and I can only hope my tragedies do not hinder their experience but I hope they also know should anything happen I am here. I am the front line when it comes to perinatal and infant death. I know too well that things happen, that things can happen more than once. I know no life is guaranteed. I have no innocence, just the pure hard truth of life. I know babies die, I know babies die at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks, 40 weeks, no time in pregnancy is safe. No matter how short that little life is, it was a wanted and loved life but there is no guarantee that little life will make it safely into this world and even once they get here, there is no guarantee. I know babies die at a few weeks old, a few months old, a few years old. Children die, adult children die.
I'm still new into my journey of parenthood and right now I wonder every day if Bee will make it through the day, not because I expect something bad to happen, though given the world we live in it could, but because I know her life is not guaranteed. I can do everything in my power, I can pray my heart out but reality is, I have no innocence. I do hope as time passes by my knowledge of innocence softens a little. I don't want Bee to grow up with no innocence, I want her to have innocence for as long as she can. I hope she never has to know the pain I've gone through as a mother but I know she may. I know my friends may, I know my grandkids may, I know strangers will.
I look at pictures of happy pregnant women, someone I once was, and it pains me because I will never know that again. Even if we chose to try for one more child, I will never know the happiness and ignorance. I will live in fear with the knowledge that I have. I cry because sometimes I feel I'd give anything to have that innocence back, to go back 3 years and have things turn out differently. I wish they had told me about kick counts, I wish I went to the hospital when I thought something may have been wrong but was told it was normal. I miss my innocence, it hurts to not have it. It's a daily struggle to not have it.
There are so many things that I struggle with on a daily basis and I hope slowly I can work on each one. I do know I am blessed, I do know what real love feels like, what financial stability feels like but there is a lot more I have to work on in regards to myself because I fear not being able to raise Bee to be a strong independent women if I'm not one myself. I look into her eyes and I get scared. There is so much I still have to learn about myself before I can properly help her.
I want her to have innocence, though I never will, it is forever gone. She still deserves the chance to have it and experience life with it. I know growing up will be different for her, knowing babies die because her brothers are in Heaven, but I still want her to have innocence. Every girl deserves to have that in her life for as long as she can.
A sneak peek from my mother's day shoot, myself with all my children
Today was a day I never thought would be possible. Today was a day I longed to have. Today was a day I dreamed of. Today was a day I opened my eyes. Today was a day I felt things I haven't felt before.
Today was a good day. Today was a day that was a long time coming, almost 3 years. Today I laughed, I loved, I enjoyed, I cherished, I smiled, I cried (when don't I cry? But they were happy tears) I lived. I lived for the first time in almost 3 years. Today I made a huge step in my grief process. Today the boys were not the first thing on my mind, my sadness and sorrow did not run my day like it usually does. It was replaced with laughter, love, warmth and enjoyment. Today was a day in which I felt content and I mean truly content. I have not felt content in a very long time. My sorrow and sadness always take over, my post partum depression usually follows the sadness but today, I had a break. I did not feel sadness, I did not feel sorrow, I did not feel lonely, I did not feel isolated, I did not feel anything but pure absolute contentment. I never thought this was possible. I dreamed of a day when these feelings would rise again. I dreamed of a day in which I could live, live for the moment and enjoy what I had.
My laughter today was real, it felt so good to really laugh. My smiles today were real, I did not have to put on a fake smile and pretend like I was okay because today I was okay. Today for the first time I felt NO guilt! Even with the boys not being on my mind, despite being surrounded by our bereaved family, I felt no guilt that I enjoyed a day. A beautiful day filled with many lovely people, many fun adventures, great food and lots of love.
For the first time in a long time, today I lived! Ty and Jacob will always be in my heart but for today, life was in front of death.
Within the last week Bee has really begun to find her voice which, at the same time is adorable, it can be quite ear piercing when she wants to be. Funny thing is, at times she sounds like a Pterodactyl. I should preface the next part with the fact that she only talks when she is looking in the mirror at her self or she is looking at a person who is talking to her.
I laid her down for a nap the other day and normally when she wakes up she cries or screams right away to let me know she's up but the other day I heard something coming from her room. I wasn't quite sure what it was, it sounded like people talking so I went to inspect knowing she was full well awake. As I slowly opened the door I just stood there in awe. Right above her bed are pictures of Ty and Jacob and there was Bee looking right at the pictures talking away. 1. Not only is this amazing because she always wakes up screaming and she wasn't, she was talking to them and 2. She only talks when she sees another face, whether hers or another persons. Of course I did not disturb her, I just stood in the door way and silently cried. Oh how I wish she didn't only have pictures of the boys but rather their loving arms wrapped around her, pulling her hair, teasing her, you know the usual things that older brothers do to torture their sisters but Bee will never have that experience.
I don't doubt she is in some way very connected to them but it's nice when I get my "signs". On days like today I just hold her a little closer knowing that she is in every sense the true definition of a miracle. As much as I miss the boys and am filled with sadness, I am so in love with her and my heart swells with love sometimes it hurts so much!
For all those who may need a LEEP procedure, stay away from Google! I read horror stories on there which only intensified my fear by like a billion times. I was so scared yesterday because everything I read was horrible but I must say, I didn't really have to worry about much. I may have almost puked as we walked into the room but the nurse was great and we talked about a lot of things (the boys and Bee included) We did have to wait about 1.15 hours until we saw the doctor but it gave me time to calm down a bit. The nurse explained everything to me and then left the room while I got into the position. Stephen came with me and my mom watched Bee.
While sitting waiting Stephen says to me "it's like a dentist office but for your vagina" it honestly really was. It was very similar to a visit to the dentist office to have a cavity filled but no where near as painful as the dentist's. The doctor came in, in went the dreaded speculum and the procedure began. They looked around for a bit because they couldn't see any areas to take but decided to take something they thought looked like a white spot. They froze me up, which stung a bit, it wasn't really painful. They told me it may make my heart race but I didn't feel it, I just got really pale and almost passed out (but I think it was more anxiety than the needle) After that I didn't feel anything else, so they snipped and lasered and then I was done. I have not had any bleeding, I have not had any pain. It is a bit uncomfortable but not painful. I was able to go out for an hour long walk yesterday and slept very well. I only took medicine before the procedure and haven't taken any since. It was a breeze!
So please, if you need a LEEP done, do not fear. It is quite easy, a bit uncomfortable but not horribly painful, quick in and out (if you doctor is not late) and very easy recovery. Now I just have to wait 3 weeks to hear the biopsy results but the doctor said he would be very surprised if anything came up. Back in 3 months to see if it worked.
So glad I went through it and now I know it is not bad at all! I know I'll still Google in the future but perhaps I won't be as nervous knowing that the horror stories I read were no where to being as bad as some people said.
Ever since March when I found out I needed to have the LEEP procedure done I have lived in constant fear. I have been an emotional wreck filled with terror and fear to the point I've been so sick to my stomach. The emotional damage it has caused is large. I really do not function well on the unknown. I have no idea what is to take place, I have no idea how bad it will hurt, I have no idea what the recovery will be like and I have no idea how I am suppose to feel like shit an take care of Bee.
I can't stop thinking about it, I know everyone says "it's a normal procedure" but I have yet to meet anyone who has had to have one done. Not only that, they are removing a good chunk of my cervix, I can foresee that there could be issues. I just worry it will be worse than my c-section or giving birth, I mean a needle in my cervix, talk about ouch! I also read it's noisy and you can smell burnt skin (yeah if this is not making you nauseous then your lucky) On top of the whole procedure itself is knowing that I have to wait on pins and needles to find out if it's cervical cancer or not. Neither are my idea of fun. I mean I don't know what my idea of fun is anymore but surely these two are not!
Oh and Bee will not be with us. We debated for a long time about bringing her because she is usually good but I REALLY need Stephen to be there for me and give me 100% attention. So after much debate I asked my mom to come up. Now mom, because I know you read this, It's not that we did not want you to be here, it's just you have spent the last week in a car and I felt bad that I was asking you to get back in a car for another 4 hour ride. I know you will say it's no problem and I know you want to see Bee anyways but still. I'm glad she is coming because I also read the recovery can be hard, mostly the first few days with intense pain so I really needed her here to help me take care of Bee if I need it. If not, well she can still take care of Bee while I try to clean out some more things. We are also suppose to head down to BC sometime in the next few weeks for a visit with GG and Papa but I just don't feel I am ready yet. We'll see though.
I know this weekend will be long. I'm sure I will not sleep Sunday night but I do feel a bit better knowing Stephen will be by myside. He is really good at distracting me and making me laugh in any situation, he even made me laugh while I was in labour with Ty!
So until Monday at 9:30am (and they better NOT be late) I will live in fear of the unknown and after that I will live for a few weeks with fear of the unknown. I much prefer not to have to deal with cancer right now after everything we have been through. I mean, even if it does happen it's early enough for me to kick it in it's ass because I'll be damned if I won't be here for Bee. That shit ain't happening!
On a side note, I have been swearing a lot lately. I keep telling Stephen we need to stop soon because one day Bee will pick up on it and I don't want her to be that kid, or us be those parents who constantly get calls from school for inappropriate language. But some days when the world is out to get you and no one lets you nap (yourself included) it's easy to start throwing f's and s's.
I also decided Bee and I needed matching aprons and wouldn't you know, Zulily had them on sale today! I look forward to baking together with her but not for a long time. I enjoy her being small and cannot believe she is already 3 1/2 months old! Time please slow down.
Today Bee and I headed to a Post Partum Depression (PPD) group. I'm glad we went. I had been pondering the idea for awhile as I have been really struggling and as per the suggestion of Stephen and the social worker, I thought it would be a good idea so when another baby loss mom mentioned she was going I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to actually go. I found it incredibly helpful. The thing with me is that I find when I am in the presence of others who are going through what I am it is so comforting and helpful to sit and listen and talk with them (just like grieving the boys) Not to say I'm against medicine at all, I'm not and I know its there if I need it but for me talking helps the most.
What I have been struggling with has been overwhelming and today going to group helped me sort out some of the issues. My biggest issue is not knowing whether I'm really struggling being a new parent or just sad missing the boys. I was encouraged to go and not talk about the boys but since I had to tell my back story it was inevitable as were the tears but I'm at a point now that I can compose myself again and get on with my day. Anyways, sitting and listening to everyone made me realize I'm pretty sure more of what I am going through is being a new parent over my grief.
For example, the carseat is the bane of my existence, I HATE it and I know Hate is a strong word but it's not strong enough to describe how I feel about the stupid carseat. I did my research and found the one we are going to next and it will be much sooner than planned because I HATE, DESPISE the car seat we have now. Or how Bee hates tummy time, again strong word but describes it quite well. Or how she doesn't nap during the day and how sometimes when Stephen leaves a fork on the counter instead of taking the two second to open the dishwasher, I want to poke him repeatably with it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Stephen with all my heart, he is a great guy, hard worker, awesome dad and partner but sometimes.......and today I learned I am not alone, especially when it comes to the annoying partner things.
Today was a good day and I do plan on continuing to go and may go to a few more groups this place has, infant groups, mother baby wellness etc....I know it's important for both Bee and I to get out and interact with other moms and babies so off we go next week (if I feel okay after my procedure)
In other news, Bee is now big time on smiling, she really likes to be social. When new people see her she smiles and tries to talk to them. She even smiles for me now when I smile at her. I LOVE it! She is still sleeping really well, all through last night (though I was up and did not sleep as well) but I did get a good amount of sleep and have been but I find I'm still exhausted. We got out for a good jog yesterday and discovered a nice little market close to us with local produce and meats and even has an ice cream stand. I know where we will be going for ice cream this summer! The best part is it's a 20 minute walk there and another 20 back so we have to work for our ice cream. I have a feeling we will be walking there a lot during the summer, picking up fresh veggies for dinner that night and some yummy treats. I was really happy that I was able to push myself to actually jog and I didn't have any pain (until today) The weather is suppose to be crappy the next few days so I don't know when we will get out for another walk or job but hopefully we can squeeze one in here and there.
My weight loss is at a stand still so I am cutting sugar back out and trying Gluten free (more so due to my horrible headaches lately and generally feeling blah) Today was day one and it was hard! I went to a gluten free bakery in town to stock up on a few things but still, all I wanted tonight was a pizza and the only pizza store with gluten free crust is pizza pizza and I'm not a huge fan of them anymore. We ended up having yummy antibiotic and hormone free burgers. It's the only kind of meat we buy now. I'm totally all about local, organic, natural, antibiotic and hormone free as well as no BPA, no plastic #7, nothing with fragrance etc....pretty much trying to live as healthy as possible and Bee will be raised like that as well. I'm scared to know that cancer and a bunch of other things are so much more common these days and the only thing that has changed is the way of living so I am going to go back to the old way and be as natural as possible to eliminate as many things as I possibly can.
Bee's other new thing is doing sit ups. She hates tummy time and I won't make her do it so I'm glad she's getting tummy muscles the other way. We've been cuddling a lot lately. I'm trying to cherish every moment I possibly can. I don't want to miss a second, even if she is screaming, I just want to hold her and love her. Speaking of which, I think she's up to finish the rest of her meal before she settles for the night and then I am off to bed so I can get a good amount of sleep.
Doing my sit ups
She is my life, my light, my love my world, my everything and she makes me love getting up at 6am because I get to snuggle with this.
I can't remember if I posted this so I'm posting it again. When Stephen and I had our maternity pictures done, I felt so disconnected to Bee. I held up this dress still highly doubtful she'd ever get to wear it. So fearful this dress would be packed away with all her other clothes, unworn. But now, now it's too small for her.
I've been reading a lot of articles lately on post partum depression. Many new studies coming out are taking a look at things that can cause post partum depression to increase in a woman. I'm very well aware of my mental stability and have a plan already set in case I feel I am going further down hill. But a lot of these articles really seem to fit my life and I can't help but wonder if it's starting for me (yes I plan on seeing someone don't worry)
The number one contribution to post partum is lack of sleep. Your probably wondering how is that even possible because all new moms suffer a lack of sleep. Why yes, yes we do. Most of the research says if a mom does not get 6 hours straight of uninterrupted sleep it can increase the risk of post patrum depression. If I get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep its a miracle. Bee is a good sleeper, I am lucky but I have only had two nights of more than 6 hours sleep straight. Most of the time I do get more then 6 hours but it's interrupted. I know they say lack of sleep can cause depression because it is very hard to function during the day when you are exhausted. Even with the good amount of sleep I get I'm still very agitated at everyone and everything but Bee. I just do not have the energy to care or do much. Perhaps it's just exhaustion making me feel this way and I can see how it would.
Another contributing factor, being isolated. Being isolated is my life. I've never been a social butterfly to begin with and especially after Ty and Jacob died I became further isolated. Living in a cold winter climate makes it hard for Bee and I to get out everyday. We do get out even if its only for a quick walk on days it is sunny and not freezing. But most days we are stuck inside at home all alone. Stephen went golfing with C the other day so A came over and hung out. We went out for lunch and then just chatted back here but to be in the presence of someone else, another human being felt so liberating. I find being at home alone does make me feel a lot worse. I feel so alone in this journey. I understand Stephen has to work and can't be here all the time but I think the thing that is hardest for me is joining a mom group, or play group because I don't want to be the mom who had her children die. I don't want to be the one to ruin the party and joy of wonderful little babies. I don't want people to pity me and I don't want the uncomfortableness about the boys death being the elephant in the room. Not only that, I'm not one to just go out and socially make new friends. I avoid eye contact whenever I'm out to avoid having to talk to someone, anyone. I do not like it, it makes me uncomfortable. Sure this is probably not helping my situation but I've never been the one to strike up a conversation and have always found it hard to make new friends (mostly because throughout my life the friends I make always move away and I just give up)
I had always dreamed of joining a mommy group but I just can't. Not unless its with mommy's who have also had a loss because then they would get it.
Another contributing factor, bad diet. This one doesnt apply as much to me I eat fairly well though it could be improved. I make sure to eat as healthy as I possibly can but I'll admit, its a bit hard with an infant. Bee likes to fight most of her day naps so I don't have much time to prepare food. If I do have to go out and pick something up or buy a frozen meal I do try to make sure it is the healthiest possible option and thankfully Stephen is home in the evenings and usually makes dinner. I think once Bee is more independent it will be easier to have a few minutes to prepare lunch. But in the meantime I have to make do and make sure I'm actually eating.
I' m heading to the social workers tomorrow (the same one we had through Jacobs pregnancy and Bee's) and thought bringing the checklist below would be beneficial as I sometimes find it hard to express how I feel. I encourage any new moms to read over the checklist and if you answer yes to some, I encourage you to also seek help. There is absolutely no shame in it at all.
The warning signs are different for everyone but may include:
As I was writing thank you cards this morning (finally getting around to them) so many thoughts and emotions came pouring out. I don't know what made me think of certain things but grief is funny like that. It can be the smallest of things to bring you right back. I don't remember exactly what made me think of it, but I was thinking of Bee's delivery. Early in the morning (I'm talking like 4am) when we had settled down into the delivery room and were trying to get some sleep, both Stephen and I took notice to the sounds around us. We could hear women screaming and then a few seconds later a little baby cry. It was such a bittersweet moment, I mean the whole experience with Bee has been and will always be bittersweet but that moment brought us both back to the first time we had gone through a delivery and we both had tears in our eyes. See, I don't know if I ever mentioned this before but when we were in labour with Ty we had rooms on both sides of us and being so, we could hear women constantly screaming followed by the cries of a newborn and as we sat there while I was in labour, we knew we would not get that. The only crying we heard was me. It was so deadly silent in the room with the exception of my sobs. We didn't get to cry with happy tears when Ty was born, only sorrow. It was similar with Jacob because we knew he probably wouldn't make much noise, we were told he would not cry however, when they pulled him out he was making some squeaks and for a brief second before they intubated him, I heard his cry. But we didn't have the chance to be that family until Bee. As I laboured with her, still unsure if she would make it out alive and healthy, I wondered if I would get the chance to be that woman who was screaming and stopped the minute my baby was born and thankfully I was. I can only pray that there was not a woman in the room beside me who would not hear her infant cry.
I never get tired of Bee crying, she doesn't do it as much anymore but it has never bothered me because I know I missed out on so much with not hearing Ty or Jacob cry that I love hearing her little sounds. Of course I don't let her sit there and cry but for the few moments she cries when she's trying to fall asleep or is about to eat, I enjoy those times and even at 5pm when she becomes something other than herself (fussy time of night) I just sit and lovingly hold her while she cries because that's what she needs me to do and that's what I need to do.
And as I sat there thinking about that time in our life I couldn't help but stare at all the baby things we have. I've stared at them for 3 years wondering if there would ever come a time where instead of dust collecting they would hold a happy giggly baby. So many days I sat and stared and felt so empty. I felt such sadness looking at all we had that was just collecting dust. Our hopes and dreams would never fill them, I was very doubtful of it ever happening. But as I sat there staring at them today I had a sense of peace and felt very overwhelmed because they had infact been used and are being used and words cannot describe how that feels.
I'll admit, I've been having a very hard time lately, emotionally that is. I just feel such a sense of sadness over missing Ty and Jacob more than I ever have and perhaps it's because now I get it. I know exactly what I missed with them now that we have Bee in our life.
I just look at her and my heart overflows with love and the tears fall because I am so in love, I never knew a kind of love like this was possible. She is my everything, my life, my light, my love, my world.
I was looking for something on facebook this morning but I never found it because I got distracted by something and now I cant remember. I ended up viewing my "photos of you" album on facebook and as I started to look through the pictures I could not stop. Even though it hurt, even though it made me angry and even though the tears started to flow ever so softly down my cheek, I could not stop looking. I had to stare at that girl in those pictures. So full of life, so innocent, just living life to the most she could. I got angry, jealous, furious with her. Not that she was the perfect person but she didn't know sorrow, she didn't know pain, tragedy, heartache. She was free from the difficulties of life.
I looked at her and my heart sank, I will never again feel that joy or happiness or bliss because the death of Ty and Jacob has profoundly changed who I am. I no longer relate to that girl in those pictures. Nothing in my life then is the same as it is now. Not to say my life now is horrible, I have a wonderful husband, beautiful little girl, great house, transportation, financial stability, I have everything I wanted I just never imagined getting here would change who I was.
I cant relate to anything that girl use to be, my hobbies, interests, morals, values, thoughts on life and even family has changed. Not to say it is bad now but its totally different. I don't think I will ever be able to smile like that again. I know I will never be as ignorant. When Ty and Jacob died a huge piece of me died and that piece will never come back, it will always be missing. Nothing will ever change the fact that Ty and Jacob died and with them so did a part of my heart. It will always forever be with them buried in the ground.
It pains me and makes me jealous that the girl in those pictures was so clueless to the tragedies of life. How I wish I could go back to those days, the days of laughter and love, of innocence and bliss but I never will. I will never have that and perhaps that is why the tears fell. It hurt, it made me angry and sad to know I will never be that person again. Not only will I never be her again, but I struggle so much with who I am now. I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't even know what I like these days and I don't have much energy to figure it out. I have so much work to do on the new me and it will take a lot of time. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and figure things out one thing at a time.
As much as I wish some days I could go back to being that girl, I am truly blessed with many wonderful things in my life. If I was that girl again I would not have Bee in my life and I cannot imagine that. She is my everything. She is my life, my love, my light. I would not trade anything for her. My heart swells with so much love for her and on the hardest of days (which seem to be happening a lot more these days) I find I cry not only because I'm sad and miss the boys but because I have so much love for this little miracle. My love for her hurts in a way i never imagined and if I was that girl, I would not know or understand this kind of love.
I don't know if that smile will ever come back, but perhaps one day, some day, it will. Perhaps when I figure out who I am now and figure out our new way of life, perhaps when we are sitting on the beach watching a sunset with Bee and I running our painted toe nails through the sand, perhaps then I will get my smile back. I never knew my heart could hurt so much from such sorrow and at the same time hurt so much from such love. Grief is a funny thing.
So days it all seems like too much. Some days I just want to stay in bed. Some days it feels like I am slipping into a dark place and I don't want to go there. I've been in a dark place before but some days it is a constant battle.
I debated whether or not to write this blog for a few days but I need to get it out and perhaps I am publishing it so someone out there can tell me everything will be okay, that they've been through what I've been through and are now fine. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the death of Ty or Jacob. There has been something else in my life that has come about that will affect my future. The funny thing is, all these tragedies started happening when Stephen came into my life, not that I blame him, I mean I truly believe he was put in my life to help me get through because I can't imagine going through everything without him. He is so positive and has such an optimistic outlook that it really helps my mood.
I have been going to the colposcopy clinic for about 3 years. Two abnormal paps get you a ticket to the clinic. I've been having paps the last 3 years every 6 months and they had always come back abnormal but very low grade and nothing of concern. I had to miss my last one due to being pregnant with Bee so it's been about a year. I scheduled an appointment at my 6 week check up because I knew I had to get back in and be tested. I had my test completed in March. A week later they called and my heart sank because they only call if there are problems. Deep down inside I was kind of hoping they were going to tell me everything cleared up and I didn't need to come back but I knew.
Stephen was busy with work and we both were kind of hoping it wouldn't be much so I headed to my app with Bee in tow (she was great by the way) I can't remember exactly what he said because all I remember was him asking me if I had been treated before and something about HPV, cone, leep, the words just started flying. My mind went blank when he said cancer, not what I wanted to hear. I tried so hard to keep it together and did for all of 10 minutes and once we got back to the car I just let it go.
Thankfully he gave me some pamphlets so when I got home I could try to find out what was going on. My pap smear came back abnormal again but this time I had pre-cancerous cells that were a high grade and needed be treated right away. He told me (this I remember) if I didn't get it treated it would turn into cervical cancer. There is a small possibility I already have it and that is one reason they have to do this procedure, to biopsy and clear. I've spent countless days online reading all about these two procedures. There is the LEEP and then there is the Cone Biopsy. From what I have read, I'm going to want the LEEP.
Basically I go in on April 22nd and they take away part of my cervix. I have read that this procedure has a 90% chance of working but when you've already been the small statistic, you always fear the worst. I see it as a 10% chance it could not work and turn into cancer, if it already isn't. The procedure itself sounds painful, even with anesthesia. Not only that but it's almost a harder recovery than giving birth. I have to pretty much be on bed rest for 4 weeks. I don't know how I will do it.
Thankfully, once they do it I should be able to find out within a few weeks if it is cancer or not but I'll have to wait 3 months to know if it worked. I hate waiting on pins and needles.
This whole situation has me really down and out. I can't possibly hold onto Phoebe any tighter because I'm already holding on tight after all we've already been through. It scares me to know things may happen and I won't be there for her, that I will miss out on so much with her after all we went through to get her here. I want her to know how much I love her, it's indescribable but I need her to know so I started writing her letters. I can't guarantee I will be here for her growing up but I sure as hell will do my best to make sure I am. I thought it would be a nice idea to write a letter every few months and she can read them when she is older.
Knowing I may not be here for Bee as she grows up is the worst but second to that is the fact that this procedure has a few side effects.
1. It can cause infertility due to the cervical scar tissue forming a closure, making it very hard for swimmers to get up there. We might not be able to get pregnant again.
2. If I do become pregnant I have a much higher chance at miscarriage.
3. If we make it past miscarrying, I have a much higher risk for going into pre-term labour and I'm not talking a few weeks early, I'm talking non-viable age so I'd have to get a cervical stitch as precaution if we make it even that far.
Now Stephen and I have not even had the future children conversation, I'm just enjoying ever minute I have with Bee. No matter what we still will adopt and foster and we will have more children in our life but it is looking more and more like they will not be biological, just goes to show truly how much of a miracle Bee really is. Even though we don't know if we want to try again, knowing we have an even bigger battle, a steeper hill to climb up, on top of everything we'd have to deal with anyways, it's breaking my heart. It's one thing for us to decide not to have another biological baby but for my body to shut down and not make it possible, it upsets me so much.
Obviously I have to have this procedure done, I'd rather not have cancer (hoping it isn't there yet) and I have no idea what the procedure holds. I don't know how painful it will be, I don't know the recovery (other than it's tough) I don't know if it will even work, I don't even know how I will make it through waiting, but I have to. But I know I have to, I have to do it for Bee. I have to fight my way through everything that comes our way to make sure I am here for her. Things like this just put my perspective on life into even more of a thought. It just makes me realize time here is short and can be tough so I need to start living life while I still have it.
I'm not even going to go to the worst case scenario because cancer is terrifying and I will try my hardest to focus on the 90%. I will say, I know they have caught this early enough that if it did turn into cancer it would very likely be easy to cure, given I read the number 1 way is a hysterectomy which no future biological babies for sure, but they are keeping an eye on it and that has to be a good thing. I just wish I didn't even have to worry at all, I'd really like for a year in our life not to have to deal with some heavy stuff. I just want to enjoy Bee and it's hard to when I am scared and when I feel depressed from having yet something else bad going on in our life. All of this is making me not want to ever return to work, life is too precious and I want to enjoy it as much as I can!
Perhaps someone reading this has had these procedures done and can tell me a bit more about it, how it went, if it hurt, did it work etc?
I love this little girl more than words could ever describe!
We had some fun with paint (I have since added tails for the bun buns)