We're still here, just barely hanging on by a thread. Well, me that is, Bee's still awesome and fantastic! I've written quite a few blogs but did not feel they were post worthy. So many things going on, so many first moments the boys never had, such bittersweet moments. I find it hard to be happy but then some days I'm as happy as can be. I'm still waiting to get in to see the psychologist and am trying to hang on until then.
I know this all too shall pass but it's hard. I never knew parenting was this hard. I never knew I could feel this way and everyone keeps telling me it's those damn hormones! Man those hormones can go suck on a lemon or something, vacate my body is all I care about! Bee truly is fantastic in every way possible. She's back to sleeping well at night and I've been able to get some good stretches in. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm still exhausted though. I still would not trade it for anything as Bee is my world!
We are just taking it day by day while we both figure things out, more so me then her. Again, she rocks and is fantastic like that. Oh and have I mentioned how adorable she is? Everyone always tells me shes so gorgeous, well I mean yeah I know that, but it's nice to hear it!
I've been really missing the boys lately and am dealing a lot with grief right now. So many firsts from both Bee and others that it hurts, it's just too much sometimes. I avoid families with two boys and a girl like the plague. My heart simply cannot take it. I don't think it will ever be able to take it. I feel stuck, I feel like I'm not living. I look at our friends who have also had losses and they have lived on. They have houses and healthy kids and careers and I just feel stuck. I don't know what direction to go, worrying about what to do when mat leave is up is making me incredibly anxious. Thinking about how we should have a house by now but don't because of the sacrifices we had to make when the boys died. Thinking about the make up of our family and where I envisioned it, no where near this. So many things to think about, so many things to wish for and at the same time I know I need to be happy and peaceful with where we are now because lord knows it's been a long time coming to get here and we've been through hell and I need to celebrate that, even if just for a moment.
One year ago I woke up after having a dream. In that dream God told me I was pregnant, he told me we were having a girl and he told me that her name was to be Phoebe Faith. On this very morning, one year ago, I took the test and much to our surprise there was a very lovely + sign. It was the beginning of our journey to attempt once more to bring a healthy living child into this world. I never could imagine that one year later here I sit with a healthy living baby in my arms. Never did I think it was possible. I thought surely she would join her two big brothers, Ty and Jacob, in Heaven. I clung to the dream all throughout my pregnancy, which was one of the most difficult journeys we had to go through. Through it all I had an amazing man by my side, Stephen, and one year later we have become parents. 3 years after we started our journey to parenthood we have arrived! If anyone told me at this time last year that this is where we would be, I would have laughed. But here we are, we finally brought home our rainbow through all the tragedy and triumphs. We love you Phoebe and I know Ty and Jacob are watching over you!
I don't know if I've mentioned that my daughter rocks. She truly does. I never thought I could feel this in love, I never thought the day would come where I could stare into her eyes and have my heart melt. I have waited so long for her, struggled through heartache to get her here and she is just my world.
She's started to really become her own the last week or so. Night sleeping is AMAZING (though I'm still exhausted) given we did have two weeks of not so amazing sleepless nights but even then, I was grateful because I never had that chance with the boys. Everything she does amazes me because I never had that chance with the boys.
Lately when she gets mad she puts her left hand up by her ear and it's so bittersweet because my sweet Jacob always had his left arm up by his ear. It makes me think of him every time she does it and she is a spitting imagine of Ty so that is a daily reminder of what he may have looked like.
It's tough raising a rainbow on top of being a new parent. Being a new parent is incredibly challenging at times, I would not change it for anything, but it is tough. I think a lot of why I struggle still lies mainly in my grief for the boys. It's exhausting and I'm doing the best I can and Bee just rocks. She is really thriving, she is really becoming her own little girl, I continue to fall in love with her more and more and she truly amazes me with everything she is. It's just hard that I now know exactly what I missed with the boys.
Miss Bee has decided that sleeping from 6:30pm-6:30am and only waking up once or twice was way to boring so now we still sleep during the same time but we are happily up every 1-2 hours. I should mention, sometimes it takes me a good hour to fall asleep, this is where I have been kicked in the butt! I do not function well on little sleep and up until about 2 weeks ago I was doing okay but now, WOW, now it's like I'm so tired I can't even function. I tend to get very grumpy, have horrible headaches, feel sick to my stomach and lose my appetite. Not only that but I get stressed at the littlest things and every task seems so daunting.
Now, that being said, being up all night does have one plus, well probably not for the pocket book. In the middle of the night is when I get all these fantastic ideas, think of things Bee needs and things we can do. Cue Pinterest and surfing the internet at 2am. I have been wanting a Bee hooded towel for quite some time now and thanks to 2 hours of sleep last night, I finally found one! I also know what sippy cups are top rated and I continue to be set in the next carseat up since I have yet to find a better review (I hope it fits in my car, if it doesn't, well I'm sure I'll have more middle of the night surfs to find the next best one) I also have built quite the Pinterest boards and have so many ideas on there to complete. Of course, the food at 2am when I am starving is not the best thing to look at, especially seeing as we have cake leftover from Bee's baptism.
Bee has started a new thing this week, she is learning to giggle and OMG, it melts my heart! I love hearing it from her and it's honestly giggles not her cry which sounds a lot like she is laughing. Nope full out giggles and smiles when I'm being silly. She also has tolerated some tummy time and when she has been on her tummy she has been very close to rolling over (she can do back to front but not front to back yet) and she is getting really good at sitting up. As much as I love seeing her thrive and grow, I know I'm going to miss these days which is why I am trying to soak in every possible minute that I can.
And in case you didn't know, babies in shorts are super cute but babies in shorts with a fluffy cloth diaper bum OMG, I could eat her up she is so scrumptious.
Mother's Day...let's see, well, it blew! I debated whether to write this blog or keep it hidden but I can't help think of all the women out there who may read this and feel alone, so here I go pouring my heart out.
I will admit I am struggling, like really struggling. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Bee to pieces, she is my world, my everything but these damn hormones and this whole parenting thing is so incredibly hard. However, I would not trade it for anything because the love I feel for Bee is also so incredible and amazing.
I don't know if it was just because it was Mother's Day and I always dread that day due to the boys not being here with me or if it's because I'm finding myself going into a darker place. Yesterday was hard, yesterday was exhausting. Despite being surrounded by love, I was so unhappy. I know for a fact that I couldn't even pretend to be happy because I looked back at the pictures and I could see the unhappiness in my eyes. Part of me wants to destroy those pictures, I don't want Bee to see them and have her feel that I'm unhappy about her because I'm not.
It still amazes me that I could not feel happy yesterday. I mean we have waited 3 years for this, for that moment when we walked our child up to the front of church and had our child baptized. We wanted it, we planned for it, we journeyed through heartache to have that moment but I could just not feel happy. I could not enjoy the day, I could not enjoy the moment. All I honestly wanted to do was be at home in my warm jammies and sleeping the day away. I could have cared less about anything else. It pains me that on a day I should have been happy, I just could not feel it no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I forced myself to smile. I felt agitated and annoyed at everything and just wanted to sleep!
Everything about yesterday exhausted me. Perhaps Bee deciding to change her sleep schedule from only getting up once or twice during a 12 hour stretch to getting up every two hours has been more hard for me than I had thought. I do know I am exhausted. I do know I have little patience, I do know I feel so incompetent being a parent, I feel I have no clue what I am doing yet somehow Bee is doing well. Sure, she cries all day long but I know it's because she is tired and refuses to sleep. I've tried countless things to get her to take long decent naps during the day (especially now that she is not sleeping at night) but she refuses.
I don't know how much of how I felt yesterday has to do with my PPD and how much has to do with lack of sleep (which for me is killer) I have never functioned well with little sleep and it's no different now, expect now I do not have the option of taking a nap whenever I need one because as I have mentioned many times, Bee does not nap, therefore I do not nap (Stephen is not home during the day but if he was, I'm sure she'd just cry like she usually does and therefore no nap would be possible anyways) and now I have a little human being relying on me to attend to her every need (which I don't mind) and she likes to be held and walked around all day (I do not know how I am not 90lbs by now!) I always put her first, as a mother does with her children but I do know that I need to take care of myself too if I want to be my best for her.
I think for awhile me and her need to work on a routine. We need to take time to just get things down, naps, playtime, walks etc. She has a good evening routine that I can work around, for example I am going to bed in 9 minutes, 8pm bedtime for me! But we both still have a lot to learn and I have a mountain to climb to get myself in a good head space. I have a lot to work on and I know a huge chunk of it is stemming from the death of the boys. I know a lot of what I deal with personally is from the boys dying. I have been working on things for 3 years and now I have to alter that once again. Figuring out oneself is exhausting! What I do know is that even though I may feel unhappy my heart is full of love and I know I am truly blessed. I just need to work on feeling that.
On a side note, if anyone has any suggestions on getting Bee to like her carseat and be in the car, please let me know. I am at the point where I am avoiding going out at all possible costs because it makes me sick to my stomach how upset she gets and I just can't drive with her. I hate seeing her so upset.
Mother's Day for the bereaved is another dreaded "holiday". It's a day that, for the last two years, I have been horribly stressed and upset about. The last two Mother's Day I have been a mother but I have not felt like a mother as I have not been an active mother. This year is different, this year I actually feel like a mother (sleep deprivation, not eating with two hands, some days not eating at all,having every type of bodily fluid on me all at one etc) This year I have proof to show the world that I am a mother. No one will have to question if I am a mother or not, they will see that I am.
Tomorrow we will walk down an aisle we have walked down three times now (well many more) but three life changing times and tomorrow will be the fourth. The first time we walked down the aisle, we were lost, we were solemn, we were broken, sad, hurt, angry, lonely, we were confused and didn't know where to turn. The second time we walked down that aisle we were celebrating the one thing we had, love. Two weeks before we walked down the aisle for a second time is when we found out Jacob would not be coming home with us, but we held our heads high and walked down the aisle with love and admiration for each other. It was a beautiful day and most certainly a time to celebrate. The third time we walked down that aisle we were again lost, sad, broken, hurt, angry, confused and again, didn't know how we would live on. But because of our perseverance, we will walk down that aisle for a fourth time and this time it will again be in celebration.
Tomorrow we will walk down that aisle and celebrate Phoebe. Celebrate our miracle baby. I know there will be tears, tears of sorrow mixed with tears of happiness but I always expect Mother's Day to be that way. I will never feel complete or happy on Mother's Day because I will always be missing Ty and Jacob. We will celebrate the fact that I now feel like a mother, I now have proof to the world that I am a mother.
Mother's Day will never be an easy day and I know there are mothers out there wishing tomorrow would hurry up and pass by because the thought of it is so very painful. There are mothers out there who like me, do not feel as though they are truly mothers and most would not recognize them as mother's but know, no matter if they carry their children in their arms, or their heart they are mothers. They became mothers when those two little lines showed up and no matter if those two little lines turned into a miracle baby or an angel, they are still mother's, they still deserve the recognition if not even more so, because being a mother to an angel is a very hard job.
Tomorrow as I celebrate my daughter I will weep for my sons. Tomorrow is a day I dread but also for the first time, a day I look forward to. My heart goes out to all the mother's who on Mother's Day cry in hurt and sadness. I have been there. I have been a mother for over 3 years but finally, I FEEL like a mother. It took 3 years to get here but I never believed in giving up hope. The struggles I went through to become a mother were heartbreaking, never did I imagine as a mother I would bury my firs two children. Never did I imagine that come Mother's Day 2011 I would be weeping in sorrow over the fact that I was a mother but no one acknowledged it. I had nothing to show for my 9 months with Ty but an empty heart. Never did I imagine that Mother's Day 2012 would make me want to crawl into the ground and die. All I wanted was to see Jacob again. Never did I imagine that Mother's Day 2012 I doubted if I would ever be a mother and around that time is when we made the decision to try once more. Never did I imagine that after 3 years my beautiful miracle would be born, I would become an active mother. Never did I imagine that Mother's Day 2013 I would be celebrating as a mother with a living child. I never thought this day would come.
Tomorrow as I walk down that aisle for the fourth time, we celebrate love, we celebrate life, we celebrate miracles and we remember. We remember the journey to get here, we remember the heartache, we think of those going through the same heartache and weep with them. So to all the mother's who read my blog, whether your children have feet or wings, have a peaceful day tomorrow and know that I acknowledge you as a mother, even if your babies time on earth was short. Take it easy on yourself, remember your children, enjoy the ones you do have that are living and breathe.
Have a peaceful Mother's day with love from me and my 3 children.
Bee had her 4 month check up and she now weighs a whopping 11lbs 8ozs and is 24 inches long. I still can't believe she is already 4 months old. Why is time now going by at such a quick pace? My pregnancy with her was the longest 36 weeks of my life! How can she already be 4 months?
Every time she hits a new milestone I just sit and think. As I was rocking her to sleep the other day I was looking at the pictures of her brothers hung above her bed (which she loves to look at and talk to, talk about tears!) I had seen a picture floating around on facebook of 4 little boys holding signs that said "Don't mess with her" and then their little sister and it really tugged at my heart. Bee should have two older brothers to look out for her, to standup for her, to love on her and to pick on her as only brothers can do. But she doesn't. She won't ever have that, our family will never be like that. There will always be something missing. It made me realize that no matter how many kids we end up adopting and fostering, I will never feel complete, our family will never feel complete. There will always be that something, or in our case, those two people, missing.
I am enjoying and cherishing watching her grow and love to see how she is really blossoming but everything is so bittersweet. I imagine it will always be bittersweet knowing that Ty and Jacob never had any firsts. I sat and though, wow I have been pregnant three times and have delivered three babies but only one is here. I always knew I would have two boys and then a little girl, never did I imagine my little boys would not be here though. My body has been through so much, I have been through so much and even as tired as I am, I sit and smile at the miracle I have now. I sit and listen to her talking to her brothers. I sit and stare into her eyes to see something I've never seen. I love on her like crazy, i load her up with kisses and hugs (which FINALLY she is getting use to kisses) I do everything with a purpose, that purpose is because I love my daughter and want the best for her but also because I didn't get these chances with the boys and I never will.
I just wish she would slow down a little, time is passing by too quickly. I don't care how exhausted I am, I want every minute possible I can get with my daughter. How can she already be 4 months?
This weekend has taught me a lot in regards to being a parent. Incompetence hit me when I was weak, when I was alone, when I was scared and didn't know what to do. I went to bed Friday night pretty early as Bee has not been sleeping well so I'm in bed shortly after her. A while later, Stephen woke me up and said he needed to go to the hospital, that's when my mind started going. Okay I'll get up and we can go but oh wait, no we can't, Bee is here now, what do I do with Bee? Do we bring Bee, I don't want to because there are a lot of sick people and germs at the hospital and she's sleeping. Do we drop Bee off somewhere? Where would we drop Bee off? Who do we call? Do I go with Stephen? Can someone else go with Stephen? How is he going to get there? On and on throughout the night this is how my mind was.
Stephen ended up calling 911 for an ambulance because he could barely walk he was in so much pain and throwing up so he was in no state to drive himself and couldn't think of anyone to call. The ambulance arrived at 10:30 and off they went. I did not sleep, I laid awake with my mind going, now that he was on his way to the hospital I was so clueless as to what to do. Should I arrange for Bee to go somewhere incase it was serious and I needed to be at the hospital with him? Should I see if someone with no children can go to the hospital to be with him and let me know if something is going wrong? Someone to look out for him while he was there? What if something happens, OMG what if something happens. What if he passed out and is in surgery or OMG, what if he is dead? My night was filled with fear and at 2:30 I could no longer take it, I had to call the hospital and find out what was going on. He called shortly after and said it was food poisoning (side note: he always gets food poisoning around this time of year for the past few years, strange!) I was glad to hear he was okay but then I didn't know how he was going to get home. I thought the ambulance would bring him back (silly me, I was tired and had no clue) then I thought taxi, but he asked if I could come pick him up and because I love him and he's my husband, at 3:00am I woke Bee up (which is NEVER a good idea) and went to pick him up. I didn't sleep the rest of the night.
I felt so alone and weak. I was clueless as to what to do. Stephen is the one who figures things out, he tells me what to do and helps me figure it out. He was not there, I was alone and so scared.
Obviously we need to work out a plan incase something does happen and Bee needs to go somewhere. Unfortunately my number one solution, GG and Papa, live in Michigan so a quick phone call for them to come over or drop Bee off is out of the question. We will figure something out. Bee has guardians, she has things set up in case we die but never did I think to have something in place temporarily for smaller situations or temporary care until my parents can get here.
I felt horrible, I felt like such a bad mom for being so incompetent.
I guess there are things I will only learn when the situation arises, I guess I can't possibly be prepared for everything a parent will have to deal with and learn as we go along. Sometimes I feel I just have no idea what I am doing or should do. I also told Stephen he is not allowed to be sick or have anything to happen to him because I'm so lost without him!
I love all her little faces so much!