Ty died and we grieved. We saw various counselors who all told us we were grieving. All the thoughts, emotions and feelings were all from grief. Then Jacob died and we grieved. We saw even more counselors and were told yet again that all the thoughts, emotions and feelings were all from grief. We were then blessed with Bee and I continued to see various counselors after she was born. I was yet again told that all the thoughts, emotions and feelings were from grief. I was told that after Bee was born, my grief was re-born because I now knew exactly what we had missed with Ty and Jacob. I was grieving for them more than ever before. But when does it change?
I just felt I had to write about this because so many grieving parents are told "its just grief" when it truly could be something more serious. I'm thankful I had the opportunity to meet with a special mental health team who not only saw that it was more, but gave it a name and helped me with a plan. Whether it has only been a few months, a few years or many years, don't ever discredit what you feel with "just grief", it may be more. I never thought it would be trauma, I never thought I' ever be diagnosed with PTSD. But it happens, it happens to a lot of people and I'm not ashamed of it, just like baby loss, I will openly talk about it to help others in the same situation. I don't like feeling alone and I don't want others to as well. I'm Jessica and I have PTSD, General Anxiety and Separation Anxiety and while those are "labels" they will not define who I am. I will w
After such an amazing day, so much joy and happiness, the sadness still tugs at my heart. It's really hard for me to see Bee with older kids, specifically kids that would be Ty and Jacobs age. She has so much fun with them, she loves to watch them and interact with them. But I see it, it KILLS me, I mean KILLS me. She should know what its like to have older siblings. She should be use to it and so should I. It still takes my breath away sometimes. It still stabs me in the heart repeatedly. She has so much joy and she should every day. She loves older kids and being around them, I just wish she could do it everyday. It just never gets easier. I cry for me, I cry for Stephen but I also cry for Bee.
I have a love hate relationship with Josh Groban. Though, I wouldn't say hate, I would say sad. I have a love sad relationship with Josh Groban. It started shortly after Ty died. I wanted a song for Ty, a song that connected me to him, a song that reminded me of him. One day while driving (one of the days I had to pull over because I became so overwhelmed with tears and emotion) Where You Are came on. I knew at that moment that was Ty's song. The words hit it head on. It became Ty's song and I listened to it for months with eyes full of tears and a heart full of sadness. I bought all Josh's CDs and just listened to his music, crying many days. His songs felt so powerful, so emotional, so true. The words of many of his songs spoke to me. I became a fan.
Then came Jacobs pregnancy. After we received his diagnosis I heard that Josh Groban was coming to our town. I immediately bought tickets. Ty had the chance to hear Dave Matthews, Jacob would get to hear Josh Groban. I looked forward to the concert, albeit, with some anxiety because I didn't want to completely lose it at his concert. The day approached and I "forced" my husband into the concert venue. At the time he was pretty sure he was not going to enjoy it but went for us. Turns out he really liked it, Josh is a funny guy and his concerts are great. We took our seats and I brought out the Kleenex. Josh started singing and the tears started flowing. Jacob started moving around and the tears flowed even more. Jacob was enjoying the concert, he was truly enjoying the concert, he loved it and it made me feel even more connected to him.
The concert ended and I went home to continue listening to Josh's CDs. Yes they made me cry, they still do. His voice is just so powerful, his words hit my soul, they connect me to Ty and Jacob. They remind me of being pregnant with both of them. They remind me of them dying. They remind me of their funerals. They are a constant reminder of the boys but I cling to his music. I told Stephen if Josh Groban ever comes back, no question we are going. I'm sure I'll ball my eyes out but it's happening!
Today Josh Groban was on Ellen. I cried. He sang a song I had never heard before and yet I cried. I thought of being at his concert with Jacob and it made me quite emotional. I felt sad. I miss Jacob.
Today also marks the exact date 4 years ago when we found out Ty was Ty. I downloaded Timehop on my phone and it's a bittersweet app for me. So far everything had been about Bee but today it was like BAM, here is a reminder. 4 years ago you found out you were having a little boy. You had innocence, you had joy, you had life. 4 years ago you opened that envelope and saw the blue cookie.
Tonight I sit listening to Josh Groban and thinking of the boys because it is that kind of day. I will let the tears fall and remember being pregnant with Ty and Jacob as Josh sings those powerful words. Sometimes I feel like he is singing directly to me. Here is to hoping he will come back
And not the Kevin type. I am in a very limbo mood lately. It seems I am in a shock state of mind. It's like I have been so anxious and stressed that my mind has temporarily shut down and I'm just going as I need to. Things are happening around here, nothing we ever expected but it's also not necessarily a bad thing. I wrote a pro and con list and the con list only had one check mark. It's not even a significant check mark.
I can't specify as nothing is set in stone yet but things are moving. They are moving rather quickly too and it's not small things. It's a very big thing. But, when I think about it, I think this thing is what I need. I have hit a point and this is one way to help. I look forward to it, as do a few others. I can't say I am overly anxious about it, of course it is there but not as bad as it has been even though things happened suddenly and we have a bunch of things to sort out. In fact, there is only one unsolved issue with this thing that is happening that is the only thing causing some stress. But other than that, my mind is just going.
I do hope in time we can resolve this one issue or it may lead to some more anxiety but, I know we will figure something out. May not be the best for the situation but it will have to do because it's happening. Well, we're pretty sure it's happening. So here is to new mysterious, unresolved adventures.
In case you have not heard, there is a new movie out, which aired on Lifetime, called Return to Zero. Its a movie about a couple who lose a child, in fact, its about a couple who experiences a stillbirth. There was a lot of hype about this movie in the baby loss community and for many good reasons. The movie, though not the same for everyone, really showcases how it is to experience a stillbirth. Or so I was told by many people who watched it.
I have chosen not to watch it at this point. I am not ready. I have been incredibly emotional lately. I'm vulnerable and weak and cannot take going through the experience again. I've been having flashbacks as is and I didn't need any more prompts. I do hope that one day I will be able to watch it but I cant right now.
However, I do encourage everyone who has not experienced stillbirth to watch it.
Somedays it doesn't seem real. Somedays it feels like it never happened. Somedays I feel such a disconnect. Somedays I wonder if Ty and Jacob really existed and really died. It seems so long ago, it seems like it didn't really happen. It seems like those few pictures and memory chest I have are not really mine. I feel like they belong to someone else and I'm just keeping them safe. I mean how else could it be explained? Surely I did not go through two pregnancies and have to bury my two boys, there's no way. That couldn't have happened to me. Somedays I feel like pinching myself to remind me that yes, yes indeed it did happen and yes, those baby boys were yours, yes they are buried and yes they did exist.