13 weeks 2 days: You know what I do when I am hungry...I look at recipes on pinterest which in turn makes me even more hungry! At least now I can look at the recipes without gagging. Well for the most part. Seeing chicken still make me quite ill. Being on pinterest also gives me a gazillion ideas for Bee (I made a onesie today that says "I Beelong to Jesus" with a picture of a bee on it) I'd post a picture but between the camera and now computer issue...it'll be a few days. I'll have to have a photo update day soon when everything gets fixed! Took a nap today and it was great. I have a feeling it may become a Sunday afternoon thing for me. I have just been on the go non stop since Monday and by body is exhausted but I am glad it has gotten me through. Now onto work week 2 and a visit from my mommy!
13 weeks 3 days: Today was a ROUGH day. I ran out of my Diclectin the other day and a friend gave me some of hers but like the pharmacist predicted, because it was over 2 years old it wouldn't work. He said to give it a try so I did but unfortunately it left for one ill mama this morning. I took a gravol with breakfast because I was extremely pukey, I don't know how many times I almost lost it at work so I caved and took gravol in the morning. It helped a bit. Then at lunch I took two of the old diclectin thinking two older ones may hold the power of one and I think they did a bit. I stopped on the way home to pick up my diclectin so hopefully tomorrow I get back on track. It just goes to show, yet again, I am NOT ready to bee off of it. I am way to sick off of it still and I can't be barfing at work, that would give it away. The downside to taking gravol (which is perfectly safe to take during pregnancy, my doctor even recommended trying that with diclectin if diclectin alone wasn't working, but only for a few days in a row) I always get headaches. Todays turned into part migraine so I had to take a Tylenol. I feel so guilty but I know the medicines are all safe I just wish i could do it without them but I can't. The last day just proves I am not ready to be off diclectin and hopefully I won't need gravol anytime soon now that I have my diclectin. Work was great though and I didn't feel tired (not even for being up at 4am) I was able to eat a bit today, mostly fruit and a bagel but a little bit. Our appointment got moved to August 14th (a day earlier) can't really complain, will just have to tell my boss the day changed. Now that it is 10pm I am starting to finally get tired....bed time it is for Bee and I.
13 weeks 4 days: Today officially marks the two week mark between our last appointment and our next and I must say, I am not freaking out. I think I may actually make it the full four weeks without an appointment. The diclectin started working again today (yeah) so I've been able to eat a good amount and hopefully that stays like it is so I can start putting on some healthy baby weight. My finger nails are growing at the speed of light (I think people say that means its a girl) I did all these fun tests for boy/girl, I should post the results with an updated photo now that I have a properly working camera, just need to get an external card reader since mine on my 1 year 2 month computer took a crap (they always break just after the warranty is up) thankfully it is a cheap $10 solution to the problem then I will have lots of catch up pictures to post! Mom is up visiting and brought up the rest of the girl clothes I have...let's just say Bee, if of the female gender, will NOT need anything for the first 24 months (shows included) I'm going to go through the boy stuff because I do think I need a bit more, not too much but since we do not have a washer and dryer I want enough to last two weeks. We are using cloth if Bee makes it and I hear they are much better for controlling blowouts so hopefully we won't have too many dirty clothes from that. Not much else to report, just trekking along. Not sure if I have felt Bee more much recently but I'm not too worried. I'm sure the day of my exam I will be in tears terrified but for now work is keeping my mind busy and did I mention that I LOVE work? Seriously I do! I love the people I work with and it makes it all the much better. Ribfest this weekend...hoping I can eat a bit...if not at least I can enjoy the smell. Yah for not freaking out yet, I've made it a whole two weeks without freaking out!!!
13 weeks 1 day: There is nothing more satisfying then cold pizza for breakfast (and no I'm not being sarcastic) If I had it my way I'd only eat pizza when it is cold. I can only hope Bee agrees and it doesn't make a wicked comeback. Being off progesterone I still have not noticed much of a change in the feeling vomity. I'm still really gaggy (which is fine with me, it's a reassuring sign) so I caved and ordered more Diclectin. I'm hoping this is the last bottle. I have noticed that I seem to have a bit of an appetite, like I get really hungry and feel sick but I don't crave much. Nothing sounds appetizing to me, other than the baked potato the other day. I have absolutely no idea if Bee is even still alive and kicking as being this early her kicks only come every few days and it's only if I am really paying attention. I know my anxiety will start to increase as we get closer to August 15th but it is only 2 1/2 weeks away. I feel right now that I won't have to go in before mainly because I still feel sick (but I know that does not mean much) but I am praying her kicks start to pick up soon to give me some more reassurance.
I'm just so incredibly thankful Dr S. gets it and decided to do a bed side scan with all of us in the room at the same time to ease some of the anxiety. He's pretty confident by 15 weeks 5 days we will know where the fluid level is at. It'll also be a good sign if we see a stomach and bladder and maybe if were lucky enough we'll see some kidneys (trust me there will be a picture of that) It really does help when my doctor feels so confident and having Stephen be so positive, I think some of it is starting to rub off on me. I know once our 18 week ultrasound is done and if the baby is healthy I will be able to breathe for a little while, not a lot because I still know at any moment something can happen, but it'll be nice not to have a lot of anxiety until closer to the end. Assuming things don't change between 18-32 weeks. We will be getting scans every two weeks (not sure if he'll stick to the quick bedside scans or be in with the techs) either way we should catch when something begins to happen, I do believe he will be watching the cord flow then as well and start the bpps as soon as we are able to. I know either way I will get great care and I hope it helps to bring Bee into this world alive, kicking, screaming, breathing and healthy. Lord knows Stephen and I need this break. We need to bring Bee home.
We are off to a memorial BBQ today for Stephen's grandpa who passed away in the winter. I hope my stomach can stay settled and my eyes can stay open because it has been a struggle this week! His mom lives out in the country and has a huge big front porch that I love to just go and sit on (and we can even sit out there in the rain) It is very peaceful out there. Maybe Bee can even send a kick my way to soften my heart today as on days I don't have work to focus on, that's when the anxiety starts to creep back!
Well we made it to 13 weeks....at least as far as I know. I think the fur babies have a new game called make mom gag. I'm very very gaggy in the morning, I don't know why but I am incredibly sensitive to smells. It seems the last few weeks I have been very gaggy (or maybe I just notice it more) that when I am about to go in the bathroom to get ready for work one of the fur babes take a big crap and stinks up the whole room, so there I stand gagging, trying to plug my nose and not breathe for a few minutes while I attempt to get ready. It really is a sight to see!
I had a disturbing pregnant dream last night. Stephen and I were waiting at the doctors (our high risk OB) to get checked out and a friend had come along with us. Well because when the doctor came in the friend had all these questions the doctor got called to an emergency before he could see us and he said the wait would be 4 hours and then he told us he couldn't see us that day and I was heartbroken because it was our important kidney scan week. So we were walking through the hospital and it started to shake and I mean really shake. We thought it was an earth quake at first but it wasn't, we realized the building was collapsing so we were trying very hard to get outside (we were on the 5th floor) we finally made it outside and ran out hearts out to get away from the falling building. It then collapsed with our doctor and a bunch of pregnant women in there. Then for some reason there was a kiddy train that went around the parameter of the hospital and we got on and rode by the building and we could see into the rooms where all the pregnant women had been killed and I thought to myself, why couldn't they have been saved? They weren't crushed, they could have hidden under the tables to protect themselves. It was just disturbing to me to see all these dead pregnant women. Plus, my doctor was in there and I was sad we'd have to find another doctor and no one compares to his awesomeness, seriously, we do have the best high risk OB if I do say so myself. To be honest I did not like him at first but then anyone who told me my son would not live was not in my good books. We did warm up to him and realized his awesomeness.
Anyways, it just disturbed me and gave me the willies! Thankfully, though it as at Victoria hospital, it was in Zone E which we never will be in again so I don't have to worry about it collapsing. I think the more scary thing for me was having to change to a different doctor. I'd lose my mind if we had to do that. Dr. S is in this with us for the long haul and we'd be lost without him! He is one of the reasons I decided I would be willing to try again. I knew he was a great doctor and would be by our side the whole way through (and he schedules it so we can deliver baby when he is on, so no one we don't know will be there)
We ate at Perogie Place tonight (which is good, if your in London, check it out) I had perogies and Bee seems to be perfectly content with them at the present moment and Stephan had this pancake thing filled with Hungarian Goulash.....it was so good! This apple cake I'm having for desert is pretty tasty as well. I love when we go out and find local restaurants that have a difference to them, like TJ Addias Ababa Ethiopian food....seriously if you are in London, you HAVE to check that place out! The Canadian Pupersia house is also good. We still have not made it to Currys but we have had food at the festivals during the summer from there and it was delic. We'll have to go soon as our Groupon expires soon, I guess I can stick to samosas if the tum is not feeling the best.
Today I noticed that again I was hungry so much that it made me sick. But the issue is I'm not really hungry for anything. I have been able to eat a bit more and I'm hoping this stays like this so I can start to gain some weight. Though my doctor did say as long as the baby is growing on track my weight gain isn't much an an issue. With Ty I lost weight then gained a ton at the end. With Jacob I gained in the beginning and didn't stop...so this one is in the middle. At least I know this time I'm not gaining fat like I did with Jacob, so far it is all baby.
I can't wait to see Bee next, I think as of right now, I will be okay waiting the full four weeks (given something doesn't happen) but I feel confident right now that I can do it. I am dreading the next appointment, I don't know if I am emotionally ready for it's outcome. We should know at that point if it is life or death or have a really good indication of which way it is looking. I'm trying not to think about it and instead focus on the good coming in the next few weeks but it is hard. It's the biggest fear I have right now because its something we can't control. We could have possible saved Ty had there been a more proactive medical treatment which there will be this time but what happened with Jacob, as unexplainable as it is, I can't do anything. I've learned I don't have much control but it's a hard bit to swallow.
And now since it is Friday night and Stephen and I are young and vibrant, we are going to bed and we both intend on sleeping in (assuming my body lets me sleep past 7am)
12 weeks 6 days (or 13 weeks according to the Dr): Let's start off with the good. I stopped my progesterone last night and I am hoping that eases my morning sickness a bit in the coming few weeks (we have some Groupons we need to use soon and I need to be able to eat) So how have I felt today? For the most part, the same. No many changes but I don't expect an overnight change. I will say that I did have a bit of an appetite today, I got REALLY hungry at lunch and had to go pick up a baked potato from Wendy's. It was the kind of hunger where it hurts so bad you feel sick. I'll make sure to pack more goodies to eat at work (well I did have some, I just did not feel like eggs today) But I did eat my fruit and yogurt and a baked potato which all had some nutrients. I guess only time will tell now how I will feel now that I am off the progesterone...but trust me, I'm no where near ready to be off diclectin yet, Sundays late night toilet hug proved me that! I'll give it a few more weeks.
So now the downside....I'm really considering having my gallbladder out after I'm done being pregnant (which will be after this one, no matter the outcome) I had it with Ty for a few months and then after he was born I was okay. I had it a few months with Jacob and still had it after he was born. It went away when I got pregnant this time but it is coming back. I guess I'll see how bad it is afterwords. But for now, the terrible pain has set in and I have to monitor what I eat and hope that is enough without pain meds. I have been eating a lot of non-lactose free yogurt this week and perhaps that is it, or the chicken nuggets from lunch today..who knows. I just know to watch it now or pay for my suffering later.
Not much else to report day, we'll see how things go the next few days and if I can rid myself of all morning sickness and gagging in the next few weeks then I will start to wean off the diclectin (and know not to eat pickles) Bee did have another strong kick today and it makes me smile every time because it is a bit of reassurance to me. With Jacob I wasn't feeling much but it was due to his lack of fluid so the more Bee kicks the next few weeks the more reassured I will feel that her fluid level is okay, of course I know 9 million things that can go wrong but somedays I feel this one is ours to keep. This one will be our little miracle!
12 weeks 4 days: Not much going on in pregnancy world today. I've had a relatively quite day, Bee kicked a couple of times which was nice. The nauseous feelings have subsided back to what they were before. I'm finding I can eat a bit more then I have been able to. The one thing I am noticing is the gallbladder is starting to act up from time to time. It hit hard at 4 months with both boys and I won't be surprised if it's early with this one. It hit today after I had some oreos...it made me sad, I like oreos (but only the mini kind, I don't like the full size) and I'll be sad if I have to stop eating them because of my gallbladder. We may look into getting it out after this pregnancy because after Jacob I was still having problems with it. But that is the only new thing. Oh and my body seems to think 5am is perfectly an acceptable time to get up....eye eye eye (for the life of me I can't think of how to properly spell that, ai iy....you get the point) That's all there is to report today....work is keeping me distracted so I'm not really thinking about our next appointment yet which is good, its keeping my mind busy and away from all the anxiety and fear it could be diving into. I did get the two days off though, for our next appointment I have the morning off so I can go to our appointment and then go to counseling and then on the 29th I took the whole day off. Well I planned on it as a previous commitment and thankfully I can still take it. I figured we'd need it either to cry because something is wrong or be happy and celebrate!
12 weeks 5 days: I can't believe I am almost at 13 weeks, this week has gone by really fast and I hope with working they all will. Another thing with this pregnancy I had with both boys is tremendous back pain. I was in a car accident in 2004 and my back has never been the same since. It generally is okay but I found while pregnant it just kills. I really need to book a massage appointment....Groupon needs to send me some deals because I cant afford the real price!
Also, I do not understand why I crave McDonalds so much while I am pregnant. I can't stand the place when I am not pregnant and never eat there but with all 3 pregnancies I have craved McDonald's and I feel horrible because its crap but sometimes I have to give into the urge. Lets just say I will be downing a couple bowls of fruit after dinner tonight. I just don't get why I crave it so much only during pregnancy. I really wish I didn't but my body is weird like that. I don't feel bad for the calorie aspect because I'm still at a 1lb gain and that is not a lot. I'm trying to eat lots of small things throughout the day to help increase my food intake as I cannot eat a lot all at once or I get sick. And most of it is fruit, turkey sausage, hard boiled eggs and cheese, yogurt, more fruit, celery pb and raisins, so not a lot of unhealthy stuff but not a lot of food. I haven't been able to eat much with sustenance. Perhaps when the progesterone is done Friday it will level out with all my other hormones over the next week and I'll feel better. Enough so that I can eat at least. Thankfully I can still drink water like there is no tomorrow so I have been staying very hydrated!
I've been doing a good job at hiding my belly this week at work but today's shirt may have left some room for imagination. I don't have that many shirts that are so big that you can't tell I have a bump and most of my shirts hug my bump and there's no denying it. I'd like to make it another 3 weeks before I announce it. I still need to get my feelers out to see how it may be received. There's not much I can do anyways but at least if I impress them a lot then they will feel like they still made the right decision for the long term goals.
Bee had a nice strong kick on the way home, I think Stephen will be able to feel her a lot sooner then he did with the boys. It's nice and reassuring for me because with Jacob I didnt feel him kick until around 20 weeks due to the lack of fluid so it's nice this time that I already feel them. I just hope they keep up until our next appointment (August 15th)
Not much else going on, feeling a bit sick tonight, may be another gravol night....we'll see how it goes and how much of dinner stays down. I think I should go lay down for a bit and let everything gel together in my tummy.
12 weeks 3 days: I blogged about my first day of work on the other blog so here I will talk about a great thing that happened yesterday. To begin, I never like being on medication while pregnant (obviously I know I need my thyroid meds and the occasional gravol) but I like to avoid all other possible birth defect causers at any cost it may bring me. I was really sick with Ty but did not take Diclectin until second trimester when I started tossing my cookies more. With Jacob I barely needed it, only around the 9 1/2 week mark. I never wanted to be on it but this time I had to. For the sake of staying hydrated and eating what I could there was no other choice. I could not do it without it for the health of me and Bee. Anytime I am put on medication to solve a temporary problem my goal is always to get off of it as fast as I can but with how sick I have been it just has not been an option to try and stop at this point. Well, until yesterday. As of Friday I cut my progesterone in half (weaning off of it, will be done this Friday) and I figured with taking it less perhaps I will feel better. I haven't yet but this afternoon for the fun of it I decided not to take my lunch Diclectin and wouldn't you know, I actually feel okay. I still feel nauseous but it is manageable. I am taking this as a promising sign I will be off of it in a few weeks. I will continue it this week and bring my lunch time pills with me in case I need it but I do need something to make it through the first week of work. My plan is to take one Friday night and one Saturday morning and see how I do. So I'll cut if in half and see if I can manage it. If so I'll stay on that dose for another week or two and try going with just the one at night. I am hopeful this is a good sign that I will be able to come off of it in the next little while, as it has always been my goal.
I was even still able to eat real food without taking it though I did get a bit nauseous around dinner time but I think it was because of my vitamins. Here is to hoping though...hoping it's only a few more weeks and I will be Diclectin free and feeling great! It'd be nice if my energy level could come back too..I miss it!
Also, while I was at the cemetery yesterday I noticed something, perhaps a sign from the boys. The last few times I have been there I have not seen any deer (which is unusual) but last time I drove by and stopped when I saw two males and one female....Bee is a girl? I think she is, I had a dream she was and I really feel it and there are so many signs.
*I spoke TOO soon!!! Not more then 30 minutes after I wrote this a wave of nauseousness hit me so hard that day officially marks the first time I have thrown up....man I do not miss this and I WILL be going back on 4 Diclectin a day...either that or Bee really does NOT like pickles.....blah! No more pickles thats for sure!
12 weeks 4 days: First day of work went well, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I didn't feel like poo. Ever sine I threw up last night I have been sooooo pukie. I had to do everything in my power to keep things down today, there were a few close calls but I did not want to puke on my first day of work and then have to explain that I was pregnant. I'm still hoping to keep it hidden for 4 more weeks. I took extra diclectin today which made for a very sleepy mama, it was hard to pay attention. But I took lots of notes to go over so I can remind myself. There is a lot to learn but I do think I'll like it there. I have a goal of becoming a credit counselor in the next few years I also love my office and all the natural light it brings in, going to buy some plants to liven it up a bit. One downfall, bathroom is upstairs so I have to make sure I'm up there before I get sick if I feel like it. I usually have a few seconds warning and some dry gagging before the good stuff begins and if it happens I'll just have to tell them why and pray they still want me there. They put me right to work answering phones which was scary but I managed. Not much else to report, I am beyond exhausted and I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing the little bit of dinner I manage to choke down in a little while. I hope this is not a new thing, puking at night...I thought I was past the puking stage! I'd understand if I was still sick but to get worse? That has not happened before, I swear Bee is totally a girl! I always knew I would have two boys and then a little girl, of course I did not expect my boys to be angels in Heaven but I just have a feeling. I was right with Ty and I wasn't sure with Jacob but this time I say girl. I still don't know if we'll find out or keep it a secret...only time will tell. I plan on hitting the sack early tonight, see I woke up excited this morning because it was 5am when I woke up and I knew I didn't have to be up until 7am....but my body thought 5am was a perfectly good time to be up and I could not fall back asleep, I know it doesn't help the exhausted stage and my throat is sore today too, thinking from puking or getting sick. Whatever it is, when I get home I will be lazing around. I don't know if this entry makes any sense, my mind is so frazzled at the moment...sorry if it is just a bunch of randomness but I am too tired to have a proper thought process. It's probably better I end it at that and go lay down to relax my tootsies! Oh and pray I don't see dinner again.
12 Weeks 2 Days: Figured out a temporary solution to the broken camera problem, one downfall is Stephen won't take a gazillion pictures like I can with a timed camera but it works for now. And the other downfall, only some programs will change the picture and rotate it, sorry, but you can all look sideways or check it out on facebook (its the correct way there) Getting harder to hide as the days pass by!
12 weeks 1 day: I took another leap of faith today. I pulled out all the baby clothes we have (boy and girl) and organized them by size and put them back in bins. Either way, whatever we have, we have plenty of clothes! I didn't realize I still had like half a wardrobe for boys that I never even pulled out for Ty and Jacob. It was fine going through the little girl things but it was tough to go through the little boy things, seeing everything that should have already been worn, not with tags on them. I also got all the cloth diapering stuff together and set it up in our room. I have no idea if we will bring this baby home but I feel I need to do this. It's hard, it's a challenge because I feel I may be jinxing this pregnancy by sorting things while I have the time....but I trust God's promise to me that this one is the one we get to keep and if he keeps his promises to the tee, then this one will be a girl (I had a dream that's what I always say she and her because I really feel it is a girl) On to more clothes sorting. I thought I would share a little bit about our decision to try again as well.
Since announcing our pregnancy we have a had few, very few but a few people say, "Wow, I'm surprised you tried again, it must be tough, I wouldn't have done it". Firstly, yes it is extremely tough to go through a rainbow pregnancy, secondly, you are right you wouldn't have done it but that's great because we aren't you. So I thought I would explain out decision, not that it need any justification but to perhaps answer some of the questions you may all be wondering but don't dare to ask (because you have common sense)
The decision was not an easy one for Stephen and I. Like I have said before, I was hell bent against trying again after we learned about Jacob but then we had him for those 2 1/2 days and both of our hearts softened. We decided we wouldn't make any decisions for at least 6 months and not even talk about it during those months. We were focused on healing and dealing with our grief. We didn't end up talking about it until 8 months after loosing Jacob and at that point we agreed to leave it in God's hands. Obviously it was in his heart to bless us with another little miracle as soon as we made that decision. There were some reasons Stephen and I talked about that we decided at this point fostering and adopting we're not in our cards, just at this moment. We fully intend on still being foster parents and adopting, that will not change. The reasons, to be considered as foster/adoption parents there are some pretty strict requirements (which I totally get) we made all of the requirements except one, our house would not pass the home inspection. Not that our house isn't safe (though I beg to differ this at some points) but there are things that need to be done and because we rent and our landlord plans on selling the house soon, he simply won't make changes and we don't want to spend all the money making changes to a place we don't intend on living for much longer. So that was an issue.
The other big thing and I think the biggest thing for me was the risks associated with another pregnancy versus adopting. Going through another pregnancy I still have all the risks I did before and a bit more because I've had two losses. The thing is, if we chose adoption, that mother still has all the same risks I have, her child could be incompatible with life, she could end up with a stillborn, but the biggest thing for me was knowing that there was an added risk of the mother (or someone in the family) changing their mind. I heard so many stories about fathers who never knew they had children and once they found out the mother put them up for adoption a few years later (when the kids are toddlers) they fight to get them back and chances are they will win. That is a HUGE risk with adoption, someone could always change their mind. So we thought about adopting a child with special needs (which we also still fully intend on doing) but we did not feel in our hearts we we're ready for that (give this child may be born with special needs and we'll be thrown into it) but adopting children with special needs takes a lot longer and there are even more hoops to jump through (totally worth it and we will do it one day) but again, there is always the chance a mother could change her mind and we'd be back at step one.
Then there was the fact that we had Jacob for 2 1/2 days, we were so close to that feeling, that experience that we really wanted to give it one more shot and we felt we'd deal with whatever outcome we got. As of right now, even if this baby lives, this will be our last pregnancy so we really wanted one more chance. Our hearts turned into softies those few days we had with Jacob and we wanted that again with a better outcome.
We talked a lot and we prayed a lot and when we decided to leave it in God's hands we were prepared to have to wait awhile. I did not expect to get pregnant the first month we tried but I am so thankful and know we are incredibly blessed to have had that happen. But, we were ready to wait, we were ready to not get pregnant and take it as a sign from God that he really wanted us to try the fostering/adopting route first. Then he spoke the day before I found out I was pregnant and here we are today.
A lot of people probably would not try again, I mean two losses, that is a lot and a lot to go through but I can say, most people are very supportive and excited for us and I think it's because everyone knows how we handled our losses and they see that we are able to make it through and aren't afraid if we have another loss that we will crumble. We have gained strength from both losses and I know, though it will be tough, if we lose Bee, we will get stronger yet again. I always think about the children who are buried near the boys, 5 kids from one family died, 5 kids in 10 years, some infants, some toddlers but 5 kids. These parents kept trying and though I don't know the outcome of their lives, it gives me strength and hope that yes I can do this once more. It is incredibly tough, trust me, you all know, you've read my blogs but like with both boys, the reward is worth the risk no matter how short it may be.
So yes, some may say we are crazy for trying again but for us there was really no other option. We have put our faith and trust in God and continue to hold onto hope. Others may not try again, but we aren't them and they aren't us. I totally understand people not wanting to try again after two full term losses but for us, we needed this. We needed one more chance. Most respect our decision and are supportive even though they don't understand, just be glad you haven't had to face this decision. It was not easy and it is not easy but it was right for us and our situation.
12 Weeks (Evening Time) I'm just going to call it now and say that, McDonald's (which I never eat at but wanted so badly tonight, damn there crack laced fries) late at night (10pm) when you haven't eaten on over 8 hours (I drank PLENTY though, fluids were fine) not a good idea....I can already feel the tummy churning, it's going to be a long night!
Congratulations by definition means: praise: an expression of approval and commendation or an expression of joy in the success or good fortune of another. Now before I begin my thoughts, please do not feel bad for using these words over the last few days and I'm only writing this because of a book I read recently that brought this subject up, it's made me ponder and giggle.
Like it was stated in the book, for rainbow pregnancies the word congratulations should not be used when announcing ones pregnancy. The reason being is that the word congratulations should be saved for when the baby safely arrives. If you tell someone congratulations when they announce their pregnancy you are really congratulating them for "gettin r done" as one medical resident said to us a few weeks ago (we had a good laugh) Your really saying, good job, you know how to procreate, way to make the sperm meet the egg because most people announce their pregnancy around 12 weeks and at that point it really is only a matter of sperm meeting egg. When a mother successfully delivers a baby that is when the word congratulations should be said as it carries a lot more meaning as the woman has endured something that she should be congratulated for.
Reading about this a few days ago made me giggle but in a sense it really does make well...sense! Now I read this before I announced we were pregnant and of course once we announced it the congrats started rolling in and I was laughing because all I could think about was this book and how when people say congrats so early they really are telling you that you did a great job at having sex which resulted in a baby. I mean really, if you think about it, it's true. I'm sure some women don't want to be told congratulations (like initially I felt with this pregnancy) and I can really see their point of view. Like the book said, at this point, there really is nothing to congratulate a woman for, other than her ability to know how to make a baby. I really did not want to hear this world at the very beginning because I felt like I didn't have something to be congratulated for. I felt like, once I delivered a healthy baby then I could be congratulated, like the book pointed out. But my mind has since changed and I'm happy Bee is alive and doing well and we want to celebrate her no matter how short her stay is with us (though we are praying it's a long one) Or him, I keep saying her but I really feel it is a girl. Now when people say congrats I laugh because I think about me being praised for my ability to make a baby or "get r done" Seriously, when the medical resident said that we busted up laughing.
So please don't feel offended for having said congratulations, I'm glad you all wish to recognize Stephen and mine's ability to successfully know what we are doing during sex to make a baby. It's a good laugh for us. But in all seriousness, I do pray we hear those words in 24 weeks for accomplishing a mighty fearful task. And sorry if I made anyone squirm by using the word sex but that's what it takes to make a baby!
And YAH, we are officially 12 weeks (or were yesterday but we go by today's date)
P.S. To clarify, I do always say her but we have no idea if Bee is sporting a hamburger or hotdog and won't know for a few more weeks. I just feel it is and most of the dreams I have had were of a little girl....but alas, we must wait (and we don't even know if we want to find out this time.....) we are just focused on a healthy baby and I will continue to refer to Bee as she until we know and then....well, we'll see. If we decide to find out, we may keep it a secret. But as of right now we don't know which summer BBQ item Bee is sporting.
I also got an overwhelming sense of peace today that this time everything will be alright. It just hit me as I was putting away laundry. I hope those feelings come more often, I must prefer those to the shear terror and panic I usually feel!
Oh and I REALLY wanted to post a picture but our camera finally bit the dust and is not working...this will have to be solved fairly quickly as I do not want to miss picture chances because I know how important they are, if anyone who reads this knows a bit about cameras, we are looking for something fairly cheap but still a good camera (we will be taking lots of pictures) I fully expect it to be at least over $200 for a better camera, let me know if you have any suggestions.
Well Bee, you have officially been announced to the world, in turn I hope we get a ton of prayers because Lord knows we all need them! We told other family members yesterday so they got the heads up and now the world will know! Or at least everyone who reads this and man, you have come a long way catching up by the time you read this all!
I was up at the butt crack of dawn getting ready for my endocrinologist app at the other hospital we have here. I am DREADING it! I'm seeing the same doctor I did with Jacob except I never went back like I was suppose to. I couldn't, I couldn't face telling her my baby had died. I avoided it and it felt great...however because my thyroid can't seem to settle itself down I am off to see her again. Maybe she'll forget, maybe she won't ask any questions. I can only hope so! Thankfully I don't have to actually see her throughout the pregnancy, just get my blood drawn once a month to check my levels and increase as needed. I'm so thankful my thyroid med is on the cheap drug list, with it changing all the time it could get costly if it wasn't!
Last night I made the most amazing dessert ever. I bought local peaches and rhubarb and made a crisp. I don't know what it was but MAN was it good!!!! I could have eaten the entire plate, but I saved some for the next few days. It was just really good. Perhaps it was the added nutmeg in with the fruit, which most recipes don't call for. I don't know but I do knot it was delicious and our house smelled amazing! I hope Bee liked it as much as I did. I was reading that this is the point where they can start to taste different things in the amniotic fluid and I always try to make sure there is a large variety spicy and ethnic are a must!
I've really been struggling with how I've been feeling the last 24 hours. I thought surely after I knew Bee had a heartbeat, was measuring right on track and all the blood tests came back normal that I'd feel a bit of relief. But to be completely honest, I am more scared, more anxious, more terrified and I cant shake this feeling. I know I was right, I was more scared about 12 weeks because I knew after 12 weeks our next goal we were going to focus on was a BIG one. I mean every appointment, every ultrasound is big for us but the next one will show where this pregnancy is going, if Bee has kidneys and if there if fluid. We should have a good indication at our next appointment about where things are but it still may be a bit too early. We have it scheduled when I am 15 weeks 5 days (the one after is 17 weeks 5 days) and I know at both, even if it shows a healthy baby it is not guaranteed. But what I fear is hearing those dreaded words "incompatible" with life. It's a sentence no parent should have to hear and it's one we heard only a little over a year ago. It's one we are not really prepared to hear again and pray we don't. We pray we are told our baby is healthy. I'm just so scared about the next 4 weeks. I know Bee should start to kick a lot more so I can feel it (I think she did as I type this) I asked my Dr and he said due to this being my 3rd pregnancy he wouldn't be surprised that I was feeling them early so I know I have felt her a few times. I just hope it increases because with Jacob it didn't due to the lack of fluid and I know I'll be scared if I don't feel her sooner. I'm so thankful to have made it this far without any problems, we passed one big milestone but the next one is the tough one for us and staying sane over the next 4 weeks will be a challenge. I was just really hoping I'd be able to breathe a bit more after yesterday but I can't. Instead I am holding on even tighter..... Oh man.....rainbow pregnancies are hard!
I think some sewing will be in my plans for the afternoon, it always makes me feel better and accomplished. Today I am going to try smock dresses....should be interesting. And since I don't know how to do buttons yet, I am going to cheat and use Velcro. Of course, I will also be indulging in some peach and rhubarb crisp from last night....mm....
P.S. According to some we are 12 weeks today and others 12 weeks tomorrow so we figured we'd take a leap of faith and announce today, even if we are only 11 weeks 6 days. All I know is baby will be here early January.
11 weeks 5 days: As I sit here with only 45 minutes before we leave there are a few things running through my head. 1. At least I cleaned the house yesterday so we get to come home to a clean house. 2. At least I made most of dinner yesterday so Stephen can still eat and cook the rest. 3. I wanted to wear something nice that I look good in because when I am balling my eyes out I still want to look half decent doing it. 4. If I find out Bee has passed, I'm wearing my good capris, will I not want to wear them again? 5. Charlie is in a tizzy because creamsicle came by this morning (he does NOT like creamsicle, I think Charlie is partly racist) 6. I can barely manage to get anything down yet I have to fill my bladder and I had to eat because they are going to have to take all my blood.....or are they? They only take blood if baby is fine, maybe I won't get my blood taken. 7. How am I going to manage walking back to the car sobbing my eyes out, will we stay for a while and talk to someone? I know we have our appointment with the social worker but what will the next steps be? 8. I have to start guzzling water.
Do you all notice how it's all negative? I just cannot, my heart will not let me think, oh maybe, just maybe we will see Bee alive and well, growing on track with no signs of any disorders so far. I have been up since 4am. My mind will not stop with all the "what if's" though surprisingly I'm not that tired. Well not as of yet. I'm just sitting trying to choke my toast down (gagging is out in full force this morning) and sip away at my water. I've also been suffering headaches the last few days and hoping those settle down as well.
Well it is time for the appointment, we will learn Bee's current state of life. I'm terrified. One big milestone has finally hit and I am so scared! I fear she will be gone before most got to know her. Here goes nothing....
Bee is alive and well! Heartbeat was in the 150's, measurements were right on track, tests came back with no additional risk for anything related to Trisomy....getting refereed to the endocrinologist about my thyroid, 16 week appointment set for August 15th and our Dr will be doing a quick bed side scan to see how things are looking as we should get a good indication of where the fluid levels are at and perhaps if we are lucky, see a kidney or two. If not then, August 29th is when we have our 18 full anatomy scan and we ill know for sure by then. So, now that I've had the scan do I feel better? Hell no. Remember how I mentioned that perhaps what I was really afraid of was everything being okay and our next milestone is a huge one for us, yeah, I really think that's why I was so scared.
I did ask the tech if the baby's heartbeat was still there right away and she said yes but I felt no relief. I think it was at that point I got more anxious. We did see the social worker after but I think no amount of talking to people will ease my anxiety. I need to wrap my head and heart around the fact that what ever happens will happen. I'm so thankful and feel so blessed Bee is showing great signs of being okay, but so did Jacob and now I have 4 weeks to hold my breath until we start getting a glimpse at the future of our precious little Bee. Our Dr thought it would be better to do the bed side scan so we can be right there and I'm so glad he decided to do that, I seriously cannot praise my Dr enough. He was a blessing we met because of Jacob. He totally understands our fears and anxieties and will do everything possible to help us through, even if we want to come in for a quick peak. But I am going to try my hardest to wait the 4 weeks until my next appointment. I know Bee is starting to move so that I can feel her and I'm sure that will bring some reassurance over the next few weeks but these are some tough weeks ahead....some of the hardest, the waiting and not knowing, it's like what we went through with Jacob all over again but this time, it could end in good news. 4 weeks seems like forever and I'm sure it will seem like it as the time goes by too but we have lots to do in those 4 weeks lots to keep my mind distracted and lots to look forward to.
My anxiety has only increased at this point because now the next milestone I am focusing on is a pretty big one for us. I know over the next 4 weeks my mind will play the devils advocate on me. I know I will think all the negative thoughts and feel terrified about what the next scan shows but I know in my heart no matter what any scan shows, Bee is ours, maybe only for a short while, maybe for a long time, we will take whatever we are given with her. I know she has a special purpose and her life has already been set for her. The next 4 weeks are going to be incredibly challenging so any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated and I know everyone is already praying for Bee but Stephen and I (especially me) need prayers as well, we have some tough weeks a head of us. I just have to remember to breath.....hold onto my faith and hope....hold onto the dream I had and take it as God's promise that this will be our baby here to keep on earth.
One thing I will hold onto today is what our social worker told us. We're seeing the same one as we did with Jacob, she said that everyone on our team with Jacob and everyone we met was in awe of how we handled our pregnancy with Jacob and how it really showed people what true faith is and that even during hard times, you can still find faith. It was pretty powerful to hear that and people do tell us all the time we are inspiring but when we hear that doctors have said that about us and that it makes them recognize their own faith, that is pretty powerful.
11weeks 4days: The anxiety is killing me today. I have such a heavy heart or worry and fear. All I can think about is going in tomorrow and learning that Bee no longer has a heartbeat. Not that there is any reason she shouldn't but then all I know is loss, it's what I expect. I know if everything is fine tomorrow it does not guarantee a baby but it marks one big milestone in this pregnancy down and we can focus on the next big HUGE one. Stephen is gone today and that does not help. I'm just sitting here thinking about how everything can go down tomorrow, thankfully we have an appointment with the social worker so either way we'll have someone there with us. But that still makes today extremely difficult. I think the other reason is because tomorrow is only 11 weeks 5 days and we still have not met the big 12 week mark (not until Friday) and I know anything could happen in those two days. I'll be doing a lot today to try and keep my mind busy but it's not really my mind that is the problem, it's my heart. I feel it so much in my heart. I can't do anything to distract my heart. So here I sit a nervous ball of a mess, I'm sure the tears will come later and as the day goes on more fear will instill me. 24 hours from now we will know the current fate of Bee...we will know if she has gone to Heaven or if she will be with us for a bit longer. The anxiety is just killing me today....I can only pray that God has created a protective, nurturing and thriving environment for Bee and has wrapped her in his loving and safe arms to keep her alive and well....Just take a deep breath....
I ended up going out and buying some fabric and am going to try my hand at making a smock dress.....it'll keep me relatively busy on top of cleaning this house inside and out!
11weeks 3days: There are many things I looked forward to while I was pregnant with Jacob, one of them being early morning fall walks. Well at least for Jacob, Ty's due date was November 3rd so we may have been pushing it into winter weather, but with Jacob, I dreamed about going out on crisp autumn mornings for walks, just me and him, the quietness of the morning the beauty of this world. I was thinking about it with Bee, she'll be here in the middle of winter so no early morning walks for us but then I was thinking, once she's a few months old it'll be spring time and we can get out for early morning walks then! And then I get nervous and say to myself, don't even start to have dreams and hopes of a future with Bee because I've been ripped away of those twice now. It is so hard to balance my thoughts and feelings. In one sense I want to have those hopes, dreams and things to look forward too so I can hold onto those if we lose her. But in another, the painful memories of hopes and dreams is too much to handle sometimes. It's like when I was pregnant with Ty and I went through all of his clothes imagining what he would look like in them and now, I still only to get to imagine. I don't have the real knowledge of what he would look like.
We have two days until we see Bee again and I can only pray things are still going well. I have no idea, I still have some pregnancy symptoms (it was gag fest this morning) but I really do not know. I can't trust my heart because it let me down twice. I can only have faith and hope that the dreams I had from God saying she was ours are his promises and he keeps them. I know I keep saying her and she but I really do feel that Bee is a girl (again, one of my dreams from God he told me) Right now gender is the last thing on our mind and if we are blessed enough to make it that far and she is okay we will find out but right now I am so focused on Wednesday. Stephen being gone today and tomorrow couldn't some at a worse time. I am filled with anxiety and trying to find things to keep my distracted but it's not really working. All I keep thinking about is the two or three ways Wednesday can go down. Good, Not Sure and Bad. I know there will be tears and I can only hope I get one of the really nice techs who can reassure me that Bee does have a heartbeat before she does all her tests so I don't have to sit anxiously awaiting. I now know if they go to look at their pictures and don't ask to bring my husband in, something is wrong. I have so much fear and anxiety, I really do not know what to do and Stephen (my level headed man) is not here to reassure me. I feel like I am losing it. It's so hard to hold on some days and I'm trying to focus on getting ready for work but I don't think I can until I know what's going on Wednesday.
I've been trying to take some creative pregnancy pictures lately but with my crappy camera, they haven't turned out as nice as I was hoping. I am going to take some more today too, but here are some I took yesterday, the official announcement pictures.
Ty and Jacob with their shirts that say "I'm Going to Bee A Big Brother" with a bee on it (I found these very fitting for little Bee) and the official due date, though we know she'll be here much earlier then that.
Mommy, Ty, Jacob and Baby to Bee, I wish I had better photo skills or even a better camera so these pics could be half decent. Oh well, at least we know if we make it very far we have an amazing photographer who can do some very meaningful maternity pictures for us (thinking the bereaved families garden) I can't wait to e-mail her and tell her we're so happy that we can officially be paying customers!!! (But then that's getting a head of myself)
I just need a moment to have a little rant, a rant only baby loss mamas will understand. I have seen so many of these "delivery gowns" for women lately because you know the hospital ones just won't cut it, Lord help you if you wouldn't be caught dead in one of those hospital gowns. I could give 10 shits about caring for these designer gowns. I mean really? You must be so naive and innocent to worry about what you will be wearing when your baby is born, let alone, getting your hair and makeup done so you can look good for pictures. REALLY? REALLY people? Who friggin cares!!!!!! Your giving birth to a miracle, a blessing that so many women never have the chance to experience and yet your so conceded with yourself that all you care about is...well yourself and how you look for pictures. Stop focusing on how you look and rather enjoy the blessing miracle of life that you are about to give birth to because so many women don't get that and for us, we could care less about how we look, we only care about our baby's healthy and safety. Plus, its a huge waste of money. Who wants to pay $100 for a gown that will get blood and other bodily fluids all over it and inevitably you'll end up throwing it out. Instead how about you put that $100 towards something useful, oh I don't know....say a donation to the NICU unit at your hospital. I can tell you, looking good is the last thing on the mind of NICU parents!
Okay rant is done. Sorry but it really bothers me how stupid some people seem to be about looking SO good when they give birth....they obviously do not have their priorities straight. And if I've offended anyone, oh well, these are my thoughts and be thankful you only care about yourself and not your baby because that means you haven't had a loss and you should be thankful for that.
We made it to 11 weeks!!!! YAHHHHHHH. Well as far as I know Bee made it to 11 weeks, I really have no idea as my body hasn't let me know otherwise. I'm still gagging, still have morning sickness and a severe lack of energy. I can only pray those are all good signs! When I think about it, 11 weeks doesn't seem like much, I mean we still haven't hit the first big milestone (12 weeks) We get to see Bee in 5 days!!! I'm very anxious and scared but a little excited, I can't wait to see how much she has grown (praying she has) There's a big difference between Stephen and I this pregnancy and I'm sure it shows in my posts. When I talk about Bee I always say, if and we pray, hope, he always says when she gets here. I just can't bring myself to say that not knowing what the outcome will be. All we know is loss and I am aware good things could happen but I don't know how to prepare for that. I sit and think, we're only 11 weeks we have so long to go and so many things could happen. But then I think, we're already 11 weeks, that means only 25 more to go! I can remember when I was only 5 weeks, it seemed like time would never get here and in one sense, on a daily basis, it is going snails pace but in the overall picture, it is going fast. We have one more week until we hit one of the big milestones...12 weeks! That was our goal, our goal was to make it to next week, see a very healthy little baby and be happy we made it this far.
Our Dr seemed pretty confident at the babies growth the first two times (she was RIGHT on track, to the day!) and I'm glad he's so damn optimistic and confident because I sure as hell am not. They told us what happened to Ty would not happen again, well it didn't but something else happened. They told us what happened to Jacob was so unexplainable no cases have ever been medically documented and that if it were genetic it should have followed a certain pattern so it shouldn't happen again, but after having two losses and know damn well about the 900 other things that could go wrong, it's hard to stay positive some days. I've really tried just to give this pregnancy to God, I have prayed my heart out that Bee is our keeper, I prayed my heart out that she is born healthy, screaming, crying, living and breathing and that she will live here on earth with us for decades. I never have been so specific in my prayers but I feel like I need to be this time, just to make sure God and I are on the same page. Stephen and I have already become a mother and a father but we want the chance to become a parent. We want to be scared shitless to bring that baby home and have no idea what to do. We were so prepared for Ty, we took all the classes and did everything we could, we felt ready. But now, now we're scared. Now we feel unprepared and taking a class is not an option. We still have all the books from the first time. I guess we'll do what most parents do and learn as we go along. Thankfully we know some people who have had their rainbows and we'll probably be asking them a lot of advice. Not that I wouldn't take advice from people who haven't had losses but parenting a rainbow child is very different. Theres groups especially for rainbow children because their lives are different. Their parents parent them in such a different style. Some may still be laid back, some may be paranoid but the difference is parenting living children at the same time as being a mother and father to an angel. My idea of the kind of parent I was going to be has drastically changed since our losses. But that is getting a head of myself. We still have to make it to 12 weeks. Wednesday can NOT come soon enough! Thankfully I start seeing my social worker next week (which my goal is not to take anytime off the first 4 weeks so I'll have to work around that) but I hope that brings me some clam, peace and acceptance that whatever happens will happen. We may or may not bring a baby home and I need to wrap my head around both ideas. Here's to 5 more days and officially announcing this pregnancy either way. Now that I have my job I know I can announce it on here but I would like to have some pictures to share the good news with, it's going to be good news right? It has to be! Now if these horrible cramps would stop so my mind could be a little more at ease....
11weeks 1 day: I took a huge step today, I bought maternity clothes. I still haven't brought all the old ones out, I didn't feel like I could yet, like it would jinx this baby and Wednesday would turn into another heartbreak. So instead I went and got some new ones. To be honest, half of the old ones don't fit. There all xs and s. I made it through both the boys in a small but as of right now at only 3 months, I can't fit into any of them, I'm already in medium. So I had to get some bigger clothes, plus I wanted some baggier ones to hide the large bump above! I don't want to let my new place of employment know yet. I headed out to Talize since we are poor and I was on a budget. Talize is like a goodwill but the quality of clothes is a bit better. I didn't have much luck, I only found 3 shirts (and only two for work) I was out running some other errands for Stephens surpise and I thought I'd pop into Thyme Maternity while I was out by one. I don't normally shop there because things are EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! I would never pay $45 for a shirt. However, they had signs up saying up to 70% off so I thought I would check it out and boy am I glad I did! They had some really cute shirts on sale for $6!!!! $6!!!! I could not believe it. I ended up with 5 of them and there not just t-shirts, they are cute tops and ones that can be worn with a belt and leggings after pregnancy because there still so cute. Which was also my justification for buying maternity clothes other than needing them. If we end up loosing Bee they can still double as regular clothes with some minor alterations. Plus for only $6, I just couldn't help it. Now only if pants would be as cheap!
11weeks 2days: Well today was the first day I noticed stretch marks appearing. I was lucky and didn't get any with Ty, had a ton with Jacob (itchy belly did not help) and I'm already starting to notice them with Bee. I think most of it is bloat because to date I've only gained a pound. Hopefully in the nest few weeks my morning sickness lessens so I can start to eat a bit more and get some more nutrients to Bee. For about a week now I have been craving perogies so I told Stephen he has to take me to Perogie Palace. It's a polish place and they even have cabbage rolls...mmmm....in addition, I picked up some kielbasa, cheese and crackers to make little sandwiches as I've also been craving that lately. Other than that, still not in the mood for much and I'm sure once I eat those the craving will be gone. Actually, I have been craving toast with Jam both in the morning and at night so I've been eating a lot of that, but it has to be white bread. I can't seem to get whole wheat down right now. It's T minus 3 days until we get to see Bee and I am TERRIFIED!!!!!! I'm so thankful it's first thing in the morning, I couldn't go waiting all day. I'm scared it'll be too late and Bee will already be gone. I'm scared my body couldn't handle another pregnancy, I'm scared I will go in and be told there is no heartbeat. Because they REFUSE to let Stephen in before they are done their measurements even though I have requested it many times for sanity sake, I am going to ask the tech the minute she starts if Bee has a heartbeat so then when she takes 30 minutes to do her measurements I can at least rest and know Bee is okay. I have a feeling there will be tears. I just feel like this is such a huge milestone for us and I know things could have taken a turn for the worst, I know it's possible and I'm so scared. Both of our previous ultrasounds showed Bee was great, had a strong heartbeat and measure on track to the day so there is that going for her but still, I know that can all change in a matter of a second. Not sure how I will make it through the next two days, especially with Stephen out of town....perhaps I can bring Betsy out and do some sewing.
I do also find with this pregnancy I am having horrible lower back pain, like very painful (but not enough to make me take Tylenol) I hope Groupon comes out with a massage coupon soon, this mama could really use it!
Cuter picture of my 11 week 2 day bump....praying I actually get to do the 12 week with ultrasound picture!
*Mental note to myself, today you actually felt okay! You didn't gag when opening the vitamin bottle only when you tried to take it, do I dare say that maybe, just maybe the morning sickness is easing up a little? I could take feeling like I did today, nothing too much but still there so I know things are still working. I still can't eat chicken or look at raw meat but I have been able to eat pizza and kielbasa today and not feel sick afterwords, yeah for small steps!
10 weeks 6 days: I signed my new job offer today, it is official. I emailed my last place of employment to let them know and took care of all the disability ends. I must say it is pretty freeing, I am very excited about all the opportunities my new job can bring me. I can only hope that they feel the same way about me in regards to me being pregnant. I have a lot of guilt about being 12 weeks pregnant (when I officially start) and I don't want to announce it right away. I'd like to get as many hours in as possible before I announce it in case they decide during my probation period that it just won't work and I don't have a job. I don't think they will do that, I didn't get that sense because they all seemed like wonderful people and if they hired someone else whose to say (if it was another woman) she wouldn't get pregnant. All I know is I have a lot of proving myself to do so that when I announce it they still feel like they made the best decision. I didn't and couldn't let such a great opportunity pass up just because I was pregnant. I need this job for my future, I wanted a job I could grow in, go back to school and learn more to improve my growth within the company. But it comes with a lot of guilt.
Add on top of the fact that I have been an emotional wreck about the boys lately. I had a very good cry today. I received an email from someone I use to go to high school with and reading it brought so many tears to my eyes (good tears from good memories) A lot of people say Stephen and I are an inspiration and I'm glad others see us as that because we surely do not feel like it some days but reading her message made me go through the boys stories on here and man, it brought back so much. I was reading through Jacobs story (after I had Ty's) and the part where I picked him up out of the crib and held him all night and woke up to see his beautiful angelic face...I remember that so clearly. It hurts so much, I miss the boys so damn much and I am so afraid we will not be able to bring Bee home either. I just held my stomach while I sobbed and prayed that Bee would come home with us, happy, healthy, living and breathing. That she is a very special soul picked out by God, Ty and Jacob to send some healing our way. I have no doubt Bee has a very special purpose and I can only hope it involves many years on earth as I do not want to have to make this blog about the loss of 3 children. I am so scared of loosing Bee, I'm terrified to go to my appointment next week, fearing the worst. I have been sick the last few days and it worries me to the core that something is wrong with Bee and I hate that I have to go into the ultrasound room all by myself (as per rules) and sit there wondering whats going on, wondering if Bee is even a live, silently crying as I make the ultrasound tech even more uncomfortable. I can only hope I have one of the few really nice ones who can calm my anxiety at the start show me a quick glimpse of the heartbeat so I can take moment to breathe. I don't know how I am going to make it but I am thankful I have a new job to focus on to keep me distracted.
This was my afternoon snack yesterday, can we say pregnant!!! Given, the only unhealthy thing was the oreos and I've always loved pickles and eggs so that's not a weird craving or anything.
I also seem to be having more and more problems with gagging, I was hoping closer to twelve weeks it would die down but it's not! It seems to be getting worse. The people at my new job are going to think I am crazy gagging all the time or making funny faces to keep myself from gagging (sometimes I even talk to myself out loud to help) I can only hope once I am off the progesterone things settles down, only a bit though, enough to manage as you all know I like some signs! But seriously, these stomach cramps I could do without as it worries me so much! I did try not eating cereal this morning and I did not feel as nauseous, actually I felt well enough to head to the mall for a few hours and walk around (I need to get use to no more naps) I must say...going into gymboree was a bad idea! OMG cuteness overload on little girl things with bees all over them, there was so much but, due to being on a very strict budget, I did not get anything (well I pretty much cleared out there $1 rack but hey pants, hats, shirts, socks and shoes for only $1 I could not go wrong!) Alright enough for today, 6 more days until we see Bee again and I PRAY she is still hanging in and doing well. I really do not know if I could handle loosing her too.
10 weeks 4 days: And unlike the song, it was NOT a good night. As I posted yesterday I was having a lot of cramps yesterday and of course at the time I thought chili would be a good dinner choice. I was wrong. I've been up since 3am (and yes I have my interview this morning) due to, let's say lots of bathroom time (but not tossing cookie related) and extreme stomach pains. I'm sure my stomach is crampy and painful now because of the events of last night (at least I can only pray they are) Having been up since 3am though, I'm not that tired at the moment. I plan on going to my interview and then coming home to take a nap, if I feel tired. If anything, today will be a day lying on the couch resting these tummy pains away and I now know not to eat chili while pregnant. It has made getting ready very hard and I hope I can make it through my interview without needing to excuse myself. I am a little concerned at the level of pain I am in. It's more at the top of my uterus, it's a bit hard and the pains are sharp, like stabby pains but not "contraction" like, at least from what I can remember. And of course I fear something is wrong but every time I fear something is wrong I cannot go running to the doctors because then it would be every single day. As long as I am not bleeding or in death pain, I will try my hardest to stay calm between appointments. I have a week to go before the next one so I am going to try my hardest to hold on. The other thing that concerned me was how restless I feel lately. Sometimes I just don't feel....right. Like something is off and I'm restless, I need to do something, run a block or something. I know my legs got restless with Ty but this overall feeling of restlessness is different. And yet again, of course I feel it is impending doom. I need to make it 1 1/2 more weeks to reach one of the big milestones of a pregnancy, I am focused on my next appointment and praying this little one starts kicking a lot sooner then she/he should for my reassurance.
Every time I feel something is a little off I worry myself. I wish I had the innocence of pregnancy back but I don't. Just because Stephen and I haven't had a miscarriage doesn't mean we won't, it could very well happen this week or next. We know we are not safe at any point during this pregnancy. We know 100's of things that can happen but I try to remind myself that this world is very over populated for a reason, babies do live sometimes. It's just hard to relax and not stress. Looking for a job has really helped distract my mind and I think if I do find one, starting a new job will keep me distracted for a bit, but the truth is, I live a fearful life everyday. I worry about getting into a car and getting into an accident and loosing the baby that way. I worry about eating certain foods or using certain products because it could cause the baby problems (even though people put far worse things into their bodies) Today I worry because of the pain even though I know full well in my mind, it's probably related to my bowel issues for the day but still my mind goes to the worst case scenario. I have no way of knowing unless my body tells me or I go in somewhere but I can't simply keep going into my doctors. I'm too early to go into L&D to get a quick scan....ultrasound machines are too expensive to buy, though I should ask Tom Cruise if I can have the one he has. It takes a lot of faith and trust to get through every day. To really try and focus on the fact that these pains are probably just bm related and nothing more, but it's tough. It takes a lot of work.
*Update - I just got offered the job and gladly accepted. Now the guilt of being 3 months pregnant and leaving in 4 1/2 can set in but I just could not pass up the opportunity for such a great job at a great place. I needed this change! I've been praying for it!
Also, I have seemed to loose a bit of weight with his pregnancy, I'm down a lb. The Dr wasn't concerned but of course I am, especially with how I have felt I'm worried for Bee. I'm trying to eat as much as I can but this morning sickness has limited my ability to do so. I was told as long as I get lots of fluids (which I have) not to worry anytime soon. Pffft....doesn't he know all I do is worry? I'm a worrier 24/7. If I got paid for worrying I'd be a trimillionaire.
10 weeks 5days: Today I was the queen of lazy. I have just not been feeling great the last two days. Horrible stomach cramps and very nauseous (so much for me thinking morning sickness was decreasing) I'm thinking it is dairy related. I've been very careful not to have too much dairy (lactose intolerant so most days I get bothered by it) however, the lactose free products I get seem to be fine usually. But the only thing I have done different the last two mornings was had cereal in the morning (I was having it at night before) and the last two days I have been horribly ill. I have literally been on the couch all day watching netflix (going back to work is going to kick me in my ass) and only getting up to eat some food or use the washroom (don't worry I still shower) I have to say I am loving it right now. Normally I do not like to be lazy but with the way I have felt the last two days, it has been great! I really do hope in two weeks when I start my new job all of this is done so I can focus on getting down to the grind. I was watching a movie tonight and they kept giving the little toast and it's all I could think about so I finally made myself a piece, but one wasn't enough. I ended up making 4 pieces it was just so good and really hit the spot!
I didn't sleep again last night (well I should say i was up early, 4am, and couldn't fall back asleep) but thankfully I haven't been too tired today. I ended up coming out to the couch because I could hear every movement Stephen made and it was not helping my lack of sleep. Of course the kitty snuggles that ensued on the couch didn't help either but God I love my fur babies and I'll snuggle any time day or night that they want too. Charlie has been all about the snuggles but, like with Jacob, I have to be careful sleeping at night because he jumps around a lot and I have to keep a pillow over my belly so he doesn't jump on my belly. Not much else has been going on. Today I watched Tenure, The Art of Getting By, Restless The Unloved and One Week, if any of you know what the last four are, yes I felt like watching sad dramas about people dying and foster kids. I don't know what it is but its almost a comfort to me. Restless actually really did comfort me, in a weird strange kind of way. Add to that yesterday was True Grit and The Way of the Gun. So little Bee has had plenty of time to rest and grow while mama is getting her rest in! I hope I feel better tomorrow, I will try to avoid all dairy in the morning and see if that helps. I go to officially accept my new job and to find out all the details. I am nervous but excited and horribly guilty that I'm already 2 1/2 months preggers and starting a new job. But the thing is, I didn't want to pass up a great opportunity just because I was pregnant. I wanted to be somewhere I am supported and love as well as look forward to coming back (which I did not feel about the last place) Of course, this is all for Bee. It's all because of the boys. And now that my meds are kicking in I better go to bed before I start rambling about nothing.
10 weeks 1 day:Well I thought after yesterdays decrease in gagging that I was over it, nope I was wrong. It is back in full force today. This reminds me a lot of when I was pregnant with Ty. I had SUPER sensitive smelling abilities (as do I this time as well) and every little thing sent me off gagging. The trick is if I gag more then once that is when the tossing of cookies begins so if I gag once I have to walk away to someplace neutral in the house and remind myself to breathe. I was actually hungry today too but making food is such a challenge so I warmed up some perogies. Normally I love onions but the onions in the perogies were so powerful it was hard to eat. Again, I know there only powerful to me, normally you can't even taste them but thanks to my super human abilities while pregnant, everything is 100 times more powerful than normal. I probably could take place of a bomb/drug sniffing dog at the moment I have that much sensitivity. Now being that I am 10 weeks I am hoping the next week or two this super pregnant power decreases. I don't know which way this pregnancy will go, with Ty I was sick through 25 weeks (all the symptoms, none let up) but with Jacob it was like week 11 and I was fantastic! I'd settle for 13/14 weeks at this point. Don't get me wrong, I do love it because it is a sign that my hormones are doing what they need too and we all remember how much I freaked out when I didn't feel sick anymore? So it's got it's pros and cons.
Another thing, I belong to some rainbow pregnancy groups, we all need someone to pour our crazy minds out to and these women get it! They get all the weird things we may ask or do because we have had losses and they do not judge. Anyways, as I mentioned a few days ago, I swear I felt the baby move or kick, the little popcorn flutters you get, it was NOT gas but I thought I was crazy because it is so early. Rainbow pregnancy group to the rescue, someone else posted this exact same question. She was also 10 weeks and swore she felt baby too. All of the women in our group responded with the fact that it probably is in deed the baby we feel. For us specifically, this is our 3rd pregnancy, I know what kicks feel like, I know what those flutters feel like and I have been able to distinguish between those and gas many times before so (and please I don't need to hear anything about oh it's way to early, over 50 women responded saying by their third pregnancies they could feel kicks at 9 weeks, we're not all crazy) so I am going to say I have felt this baby. Only 3 times but there has been something other then gas most certainly there. I mean I felt Ty at 16 weeks and Jacob was a different story because of the lack of fluid but I know, I did feel something recently and it was not gas.
10 weeks 2 days: I woke up today feeling slightly better. I have not gagged as much today and I was able to eat, like real food! Perhaps my peak has hit and now it's time for things to settle down. I'm by no means 100% better, I still feel sick and have been gagging a bit but not as bad as it has been the past few days. Though a new symptom seems to have arrived.....weepiness. I have been so emotional lately, I cant stop looking at the boys pictures or things or thinking about them, I just miss them SO incredibly much it hurts so bad! I seem to be getting emotional at a lot of things, all related to the boys in one way or another but it's everything. We went to church today, our first time in a few weeks. Stephen had a reading but our new rector started so we also wanted to make sure we were there to support him (we met him earlier this week too) I'm rather excited for our future as a church, we picked a really good rector. That being said, somebody at the church has been spilling our little secret because today at the strawberry social everyone was coming up to us and congratulating us. I'll say that I'm not that impressed. I'm not ready to share this pregnancy and yes by the picture below you can tell it ain't being hidden anymore, but still. I want to do this on our terms. I really want to wait until after 12 weeks. I am still horribly crampy and haven't had any blood work done yet, there could still be a lot to come back and I want to be prepared before we have to share with everyone. But the secret is out at church. At least I can start wearing form fitting clothes to show off this cute little bump I have going. I think I will go have the other half of my sandwich and thank God I'm actually eating real food today and it's okay so far....though I must say, the ice cream from earlier is already starting to cause tummy problems (I'm mildly lactose intolerant and ice cream is one of the ones that really bugs me, as does regualr milk) so I'm assuming the cramps are from that. Time to refresh with fluids, rest and who knows what else....pray, I guess praying would be good, still looking for a new job and still praying Bee is being protected.
10 Weeks 2 Days and for those who know me, please pick your jaws up off the floor, I know I'm in a dress and that is rare, as rare as seeing a white deer, but it does happen and my goal is to increase my summer dress line because they are actually quite comfortable. I even got a compliment on my dress while shopping at Remark, I was like Whoa, I need to do this more often! I really was not fooling anyone this morning, I thought the dress hide the belly but it stuck out like a sore thumb!
10 weeks 3 days: Today I have been spending the day in camp cramp. I woke up feeling okay and the storage closet was cool so I decided to clean it out. Afterwords I started to cramp a lot so I laid down for a bit. It got better so I decided to get up do some dishes and run to the grocery store. It got really bad at the grocery store so I came home and spent a few hours on the couch which resulted in a nap. After a few hours on the couch I felt better but Stephen wanted me to run some errands with him so I went and now I'm even crampier. It feels like gas and my stomach is not hard so I do not think it's contractions. I freaked out yesterday because I bought a different kind of iced tea then I normally do and half way through drinking it Stephen asked me if it had caffeine in it so I looked and thats when I noticed it had hibiscus in it which you are not suppose to have while pregnant due to it causing contractions. Anyways, I freaked and have been downing water since to try and flush it out of my system. I'm also thinking it could be because I'm actually eating a bit of real good now so my body is readjusting to that and just giving me some growing pains/gas. Either way, when I lay down and rest it seems to lighten up so the rest of my evening will be spent on the couch.
I'm also going to leave a note to myself : DO NOT EAT CHILI....because just when you think your stomach feels better...WHAM chili off sets if more than it has been sick before! I totally thought today was toss my cookies day, I spent a good chunk of the evening in the bathroom, on the plus side, my cramps are gone and I have a second interview tomorrow at the job I didnt want but now I want....crossing my fingers. It would be amazing if things started to turn around for Stephen and I, new baby on the way, new job for Jessica (one she seems to think she would be very happy at) Stephen is moving up in his company, we made the house work for us, we're all relatively healthy. It would be really nice just to have some peace and calm for a few years. I know things will always be thrown our way but it would be nice if it were only small things for awhile, let us get back on our feet.
We made it, today officially marks 10 weeks. I high fived Stephen (as we do every Friday) congratulating us on making it one more week. In one sense 10 weeks seems like nothing, but I can remember when I was 5 and 10 seemed so far away but now it's here and 12 weeks will be here soon too! I remember with both pregnancies it seemed like time took forever to pass by but in the end it all seemed so quick. I think with Jacob it was because we knew the closer we got to his date meant the sooner he would also be gone so we didn't want it to happen. It's the same this time, 10 weeks seems like nothing at the moment, but then I think back, it's already been 10 weeks! 10 weeks down 26 or less to go. When I see the 26 I think, wow, that is soon! I'm sure it won't feel like it but in the long run, it is short.
Our next appointment will be July 18th, as I think I mentioned. It's our 12 week scan and the end of the first trimester. That is all we are focused in at the moment. Making it to that appointment and knowing Bee is doing well. I think our choice to take this pregnancy week by week and not get too ahead of ourselves is the only thing keeping me sane. Trust me, it takes an incredible amount of strength and patience to only go week by week and not think about the future but I know it's the best for us. I know if we think too far ahead we will get overwhelmed and I will fall apart. Not to say I don't ever think about the future, of course I do, especially when I have dreams about it (and good ones at that) it's hard not to think about it every now and then. But overall, week by week is really working for us and it has taken a lot of preparation to be able to do so and a ton of patience but it's working. We go along, day by day, thankful for what we have, thankful Bee has even made it this far. We know on any given day it can all end, nothing is guaranteed, most think once you are out of the first trimester it's clear sailing but for us, our circumstances arouse in the 2nd and 3rd trimester so we never have a safe point.
Another funny thing, I can't even look at food or think about it without gagging, I am so sensitive to things right now, it's so bad! Thankfully I did get my meds down today as the gagging wasn't as bad.
But here is to 10 weeks (and quite the little belly going on) 1 1/2 more weeks and we get to see Bee. One more week and we have made it to 11 weeks. I pray we make it, I pray Bee stays strong....I pray my sanity lasts and my stress levels subside.
9 weeks 6days: I think my interview today went pretty well. The funny thing was, going in I did not want to go in the first place. I didn't want to deal with a new job but still forced myself to go (I think only by the power of God) and I'm really glad I went. I really hope I do get this job and I know it's full time but it seemed like such a great little place to work. The boss was an incredibly nice man (who pays himself for his employees benefits, that right there says a lot) and it just seemed like a very laid back, easy going, stress free nice little office and now I hope I didn't bomb the interview and I get a call back. I really can see myself here but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I don't get it because I will be back to not knowing what to do and with that comes even more stress (which I am trying to avoid) Though starting a new place already 3 months pregnant and showing will be hard to hide for a bit longer.
Bee has been good today. I was really worried I wouldn't make it to my interview because I have been gagging hard core all day. I don't feel sick, like morning sickness but I have been gagging up a storm which in turn, upsets my stomach and then does make me feel sick. I don't know what it is about today but I can't stop gagging. I have been able to get a bit of food down but not much, fluids are fine though. Speaking of which, I know some people may offer some advice on being pregnant but it really bothers me because I've been pregnant twice and I know what I'm doing. It's like when people tell me these things their saying it because I didn't do a great job the first two times and killed my children, so please think before you offer me any pregnancy advice. I've been here twice, I know everything I am suppose to be doing. Back to Bee, so yes gagging today and I did have to take diclectin (YAH and need a refill BOO) and now it is time for me to go off for a snooze to rest this little one.
Also, a suggestion to pinterest. When I go to look at things under DIY/Crafts or Home Decor PLEASE don't have pictures of food under those titles because at this very moment, if I see anything food related my insides are going to come out. I can't even look at food, smell food or think of food without gagging. Maybe the gagging is due to the fact that I went off dicelctin for a few days because I thought I felt better....I can only hope once I get some more doses in it settles down. I really do not know how I made it through my interview without gagging because I can't even talk without gagging, I gagged there and on the way home. I truly do believe God stepped in and helped me through! I also got an email saying he was going to call me for a second interview...fingers crossed! I will say this is the only reason we have not announced this pregnancy yet. Stephen really wants to share Bee with everyone and I totally get that and we have with the people we need the support from but I can't let this keep me from getting a job. So once I have the job and once we go to our next ultrasound Bee will be revealed!
Today marks day two of no morning sickness, add on top a lot of cramping and a horrible amount of fear. I had a dream last night I was bleeding again. Can we say that today I am terrified? I'm debating whether or not to go to the hospital to just check Bee out. I just don't think my morning sickness would have ended abruptly at 9 1/2 weeks. It just doesn't seem right and now to be this crampy. I've drinking some water and going to lay down to see if it helps but in the pit of my stomach I fear something is wrong. Of course I fear something is wrong, of course my mind can't wrap its thoughts around this just being a normal part of being pregnant, no, it always ends in the worst case scenario because that is all I know. I don't think I am going to make it two more weeks without going to the doctors. If I was still feeling really sick and not crampy I'd be okay but now, now I'm terrified. I'm worried that before most of you even know about Bee she will be gone. Please God, please let Bee be okay and let this be nothing more than normal pregnancy issues. I can't take another loss, my heart wont be able to handle it, please keep Bee safe!
On a side note I just booked another interview, maybe 3rd time will be the charm. I can only hope so. The longer I go the more I am going to be showing and as horrible as this sounds, I keep thinking I'm having a missed miscarriage and that if I do it'll still be okay because I'll still have a new job to go back to and focus on (and we will NOT be trying again if we loose this one) So I do hope I get this job.
*Update - Okay so after a long debate we decided we'd head to the ER (one of many I am sure) We got there and it was busy but I figured I'd get checked in and they usually take pregnant women quicker then some. It didn't, we weren't even fully registered (they normally have 3 nurses but there was only 1) and it had taken over an hour. We were informed it would take until midnight to get in (so about 5 hours) and then who knows how long for ultrasound. After the homeless guy got out of his wheel chair and peed all over the place and the police brought in some guy who stabbed someone we decided it was best to leave and just call our high risk OB in the morning. I know they can get me into ultrasound and if he's there tomorrow I know he'll let me pop in quickly and he'll probably take a quick look. I don't know how well I will sleep tonight but I guess there isn't much I can do but pray. I'm still extremely crampy and still have no side effects (I didn't even take diclectin today and I feel fine) and feel something is wrong but I think I rather hear it from my doctor anyways. This is going to be a very long pregnancy if Bee is still hanging in! And as for the city of London, you REALLY need to work on opening a second ER because one ER for 350,000 people just does NOT work!
9weeks 5 days: I woke up this morning feeling rather ill (YAHHHHH) I decided not to take a diclectin last night since I hadn't seemed to need them the last two days, however, I think the progesterone gives me an upset tummy so I did end up getting up in the middle of the night to take one, but I only took one not two. So I woke up feeling sick, sensitive to smells, gagging like usual and most of the cramping has stopped. I'm still have some tummy pain but I think it's from being so stretched and bloated yesterday and gassy today. As of right now we decided not to go into the doctors. Yes, I'm pretty impressed with myself too but we'll see if that changes as the day goes on. I'm really just going to trust that his is normal for this pregnancy and try to hold out the 1 1/2 more weeks until we see Bee next. Unless my body tells me before then that something is wrong.
I ended up having to call EI to have them escalate my file (surprise surprise right?) She said they will call within two days and if they don't I can't call back until Monday and then they will try to get someone that day. How about since you f'ed up you just take care of this now, because of your mistake everything is now messed up and it's causing a lot more stress and frustration then I really care to deal with. I am REALLY trying not to stress as it's not "good" for the baby, or so some studies have said, others said otherwise but I know overall it's not good for me so I'm really trying to be level headed about everything.
We have to do laundry today and I have to take Milo to the vet's but in between I'm really going to try and rest. Drink lots of water like I have been and just rest. See if I can get this pain to go away completely. I'm still terrified something is wrong but thanks to my gagging this morning I feel a bit better. We'll see if I last until noon before I call the dr's!
*Update - I ended up going into the doctors, lol, I knew if I didn't I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else (and there are other things that need my attention) so we went and one reason I love my doctor is because he doesn't make me feel stupid. He said he totally understood why I had to come in, that my anxiety is very high and he is so supportive. We got to see little Bee (no pics but Bee actually is starting to look like a human) strong heartbeat and measured 9w3d and I'm 9w5d (but that is a + or - of 3 days since I don't know exactly when I ovulated) so Bee is growing right on track and now I can be thankful most of my symptoms have seemed to subside for the time being. Our next appointment (which will be the big reveal afterwords) is Wednesday July 18th at 9am. Ultrasound followed by bloodwork followed by a visit with the Dr and a visit with the social worker, I'll be there half the day. This is also an issue I am having. I probably will be in every two weeks for an appointment and a social worker visit which could be up to 3 hours. This is why I really need a part time job and I'll see how this job pans out tomorrow but I'm really starting to think either going back to HP or only looking for part time would be the best option. I have a lot of guilt wanting to start someplace new but then needing so much time off. I don't know if I will be supported or how I will be treated at a new place but at least I know what to expect (not the best) when I go back to where I was before. I have a lot of decisions coming up that need to be made but now that I know Bee is okay for the time being, it clears my mind up a bit more.
Also, almost 10 weeks in and I have only gained 2.6 lbs (probably because I can't eat much)
9 weeks 2 days: It's Canada Day today, I've been pregnant the last three Canada days. I'm so thankful I've kept the same shirt to wear each year, below are pictures on Canada Day from when I was pregnant with Ty, Jacob and now Bee. We don't really intend on celebrating, it's too hard. So many reminders of what should have been, so many little kids running around like Ty should have been. We may go see the fireworks just up the road but we'll see. The last two Canada Days I was pregnant enough that the boys could hear the fireworks and they kicked away like crazy! I'm sure they were wondering what the heck was going on. Bee is not at that stage yet, I don't even know if she still has a heartbeat. I woke up feeling less sick this morning and of course it terrifies me. I have no way of knowing until I either start bleeding or go into the next ultrasound and find out there is no heartbeat.
I also think I am going crazy, I swear yesterday I felt Bee kick 3 times, it didn't feel like the normal gas I have been getting and it was in the exact same spot but I know it's too early to feel anything. My mind is just playing tricks on me.
And as of today, I have now had two girl dreams and two boy dreams so I'm not sure what Bee is. The first dream, the one where God told me I was pregnant, with a girl and what her name was to be still seems the most real to me. The second one was we went in for our 18 week check up and found out we were having a boy and his kidneys were there but there were other issues. The third, we were meeting some friends for dinner at a restaurant and Bee was 3 months old and a girl. The last one last night was I gave birth (naturally) to a healthy baby boy. So now I'm confused. I thought for sure Bee was a girl and the biggest reason being, with both of the boys I LOVED sour things, I couldn't get enough of them but this time around things are super sour to me, like strawberries and cherries and salt and vinegar chips. Everything is so sour! But as far as it goes according to dreams, it's tied.
I'm actually really scared today, I had a horrible emotional day yesterday, Stephen was gone for work all day and I was home a lone and some things just really hit me, this whole job thing is causing so much stress I just wish it would work its self out, ontop of all the government crap we're dealing with. I use to be the kind of person who never got stressed out, I'd just let things slide by but now, even the littlest things cause me to panic. Plus, I really don't feel sick today and I'm crampy. I'm terrified now that it means Bee is gone. For some reason another one of our children was taken. Oh please morning sickness, come back! I know it settles down after the 8-10 week peak and maybe I hit mine early this time but I need something, some sign I am still pregnant. I wish I could go in for a reassurance ultrasound but there would be nothing they could do. Theres no point in taking pregnancy tests anymore, at this point it would take a few weeks for my HCG levels to go back down anyways. I can't wait until Bee starts to kick, I swear I feel it now but I'm sure it's just stretching muscles. I don't know how I will make it 3 more weeks. I should have called J. sooner to get in and see her, I was crazy to think I could wait until 12 weeks until I needed her. I'm trying to trust, I'm trying to believe but now it's so hard. I really do hope my morning sickness comes back today, I hope in an hour or two I am in the bathroom seeing breakfast for the second time. I just need something, some glimmer of Hope that things are still okay.... I'm scared.
Okay so after typing this I was finishing my breakfast and I realized one thing I did differently last night that could explain the decrease in morning sickness, I ate a banana. Eating bananas in the evening while I was pregnant with Ty was the only thing that kept me from vomiting in the morning...perhaps there is a relation, I can only pray I don't feel as sick thanks to the incredible power of a banana....I guess tomorrow morning I'll be able to tell, I'm eating my banana now and not tonight so we'll see how I wake up feeling tomorrow...oh please God just let it be from the banana.....
*Update - The morning sickness came back...YAH for feeling like crap! I love it! I know it does not guarantee that Bee is okay, but chances are slightly better.
9 weeks 3 days: I woke up today feeling okay again and still do not feel very sick. I did wake up with a headache which is unusual, I don't generally get those while pregnant so of course now I am terrified something is wrong with Bee. I know I'm on the hormone peak and perhaps it peaked a few days ago and is settling back down but I do not think it would be this much of a change in a few days. I'm scared, I have a bad feeling something is wrong and we don't have an appointment for another 2 weeks. I know I could go in if I wanted to but I don't really see the point. If something is wrong there is nothing we can do and I don't think we'd have a procedure done instead we'd wait for my body to naturally pass Bee. I hate thinking like this, I wish more then anything I could be like, Yah my morning sickness is gone, thank goodness, on we go, but I know the truth, I know what can happen and I cling to signs like morning sickness to let me know things are going as they should and when those things end, I get scared. I get scared that it is over, that most won't know about Bee until she is gone. I get scared that either a)I'm going to start profusely bleeding due to a miscarriage or b) we go in in two weeks and theres is no longer a heartbeat and I've had a missed miscarriage. Never do I think it's just how things are going, I've hit my peak and my hormones are settling down and everything is fine. My brain doesn't think like that. It always thinks the worst. I only know the worst. So here I sit, worried and wondering. Praying I start to feel a bit sick, anything, any sign of hope that things are still going as they should. 2 weeks is going to be a very long time!
This week marks the beginning of my hormone peak and I'm praying it won't last long. I think with both prior pregnancies, week 11-12 I started to notice I felt a bit better (though morning suckness with Ty lasted 25 weeks) I know my hormones are peaking because 1. My morning sickness is at an all time high 2. My smell sensitivity is extremely high (I can smell EVERYTHING, I could even smell the guy in the car in front of us and his cologne) and that makes for super fun gagging which brings on many trips to the bathroom. 3. My extreme fatigue, I can barely keep my eyes open, a nap will be had for sure! Those are the 3 major signs I am experiencing as my peak approaches. I do hope they wean off a bit week 11-12 like they did with Jacob but I'd be perfectly content if they stayed around as well, afterall, if I don't have symptoms my mind thinks something is wrong so until that baby starts kicking, I need some signs! Maybe they could ease off a bit but still be there so I know things are okay. I am so thankful I do not have to worry about working right now, though the reality is, I really do need to start working soon to get my hours in. I have no idea what will happen in relations to work. I have been looking for a new place to work just to see what is out there but haven't had much luck. I'm also still considering going back to HP but I think that will be a last resort option. I've been waiting a few months to hear about a certain job and I'm hoping I get it (and it should start soon) though it is a pay cut, the hours are part time, the environment is super supportive and it's someplace I know I will love. It also allows me to pick up a second part time job to help with finances and I've been praying for this to happen so we'll see.
Regardless, I will not be starting work for at least 2 more weeks which helps get me over the hormone hump and settled back down. I'm very thankful to have this opportunity. It allows me to sit here and look at Bee's picture (of which I can clearly see my heart shaped uterus) and think about how far we are.
9 Weeks: I am beyond thrilled we have made it to 9 weeks! My hormones are most certainly in full swing, the gagging, sensitivity to smells and morning sickness are peaking the next week so that means lots of laying around for me! If you notice in the picture, at 9 weeks I'm already showing, this is the reason it is getting hard to hide. This is probably the reason I am not getting job offers on the interviews I get in to. I started showing early with Jacob so I am not surprised I am showing this early with Bee either. Excuse the bra strap, I have to wear BIG girl bras and the straps are always thicker than tank tops. Today I am feeling pregnant. Everything smells to me and it is making me gag. Once I begin gagging that's when the vomiting starts so I am trying to sit somewhere that isn't pungent smelling (which in our house is nearly impossible) I would go outside to get some fresh air but it is HOT out and I'd die! I'll stay inside with my cool AC cranked popping peppermints all day long. I will have to bear the heat and go out later as I have to hand over my arm and leg, aka, pick up my progesterone. I'm praying after this dose my levels will be good without needing anymore because it is expensive! Of course if the baby needs it to be healthy then we'll pay for it but it would be nice to get a break from all the extra charges.
We would be okay this month due to getting tax credits back but because EI messed up and the CRA says we now owe them, it won't be happening, so thanks EI, thanks for screwing us over royally! I wish I could cause you as much frustration and stress as you have caused me and I know you won't call me, I'll have to call back and you better believe you will NOT be dealing with a happy camper. Be warned a lot of sailor words are coming your way. It may not get me far but you deserve to hear it. I am extremely displeased with how you are handling this situation and how much you don't care that you have royally f'ed us over right now. I fully expect when I do get a hold of someone that this matter is dealt with that day and I fully expect a letter (I don't care if you normally don't send them) you will send me a letter because I'm calling it now, when I apply for benefits in January I know there is going to be an issue because of everything that is happening right now and as an FYI stop automatically assuming people want to file claims and do it yourself because there is a very good reason I didn't file my claim morons! Alright, done my little EI tangent for the day....I'm sure there will be more since I do not see this problem being solved anytime soon. I can only imagine how much worse it will get before something is done, how much more we are going to get screwed over because of the government.
Back to week 9. Well, we made it this far and that means only 3 more weeks until we get to check in on Bee again. I'm hoping everything in 3 weeks will go well. We have an ultrasound, an appointment and lots of blood tests to do. Then, an appointment at 16 weeks if we get that far. I'm not even thinkking about the 18 week one yet, it'll cause too much stress and I'll start getting overwhelmed and freak out. I made an appointment to see or social worker J. in two weeks. She's the same one we had with Jacob and I know I need her by our side to get through this. There is something so peaceful, calm and real about her. Even just speaking to her on the phone yesterday made me totally break down and cry because she asked me how I was emotionally and I said scared and it is the raw truth, I am terrified. I haven't cried much or really felt fear but talking to her yesterday, and perhaps it was because it brought me back to everything that we went through with Jacob, but something just got me...but in a good way. I actually acknowledged how I really felt, truthfully and it scared me a little but it felt so freeing to say it and crying really released those feelings. So I'm really looking forward to my meetings, the issues being, my appointments now will take approximately 4 hours at a time. This is why I really can only afford to go back part time. We always start with an ultrasound which takes about an hour, then to the doctors which can take1-2 hours and now I'll be having social work meeting which are an hour...so 3-4 hours for each appointment, every two weeks, it's a lot and I feel horribly guilty about the fact I'll have to take so much time off of work which is why I'm really looking for something part time. Yes it's a pay cut, yes it doesn't have benefits, but for right now, it fits the lifestyle we need. I've been praying for God to lead me to something, someplace that will be supportive and not treat me like shit because I am pregnant and make me do things I shouldn't but say if I don't I'll get reported (another reason I don't want to go back to where I was before, even though the lady who treated me like that is gone, still the surrounding and environment bring me back to all those emotions) But I don't know what will happen, I do know we are at 9 weeks and as far as my hormones are indicating, Bee is still doing well. I pray over the next few weeks things become more clearer to me and good things start to come our way.
8 weeks 5 days: A lot of people assume just because I am pregnant again that I have now have no problem with other pregnant women. The truth is (and I want baby loss mamas to know this so they know they aren't alone in the feeling) It is still very difficult for me to see pregnant women because chances are their babies will be fine and after two losses, well I don't know if this baby will make it or not. I'm jealous that they are so naive and innocent, that they have so much excitement and all I am filled with is sorrow, grief, terror and fear. It's still hard as a baby loss mama to be around other pregnant women, the only exception to that is those who have had a loss and that loss meant something to them. They get it, they understand that there is little excitement and mainly shear terror at being pregnant again. We go into every appointment having mini panic attacks. Every time they try to find the heartbeat we hold out breath, every time they do an ultrasound we expect to hear the worst. There is no joy, only small events which may make us cautiously optimistic.
For me personally, I don't do the whole "happy excited omg your pregnant" thing, after all we have been through that just does not happy, those feelings just do not come up. Instead I'm more, "praying my heart out that this baby has a heartbeat and all it's organs are in the right place" kind of pregnant woman. I get really irritated when I hear pregnant women complain. I'm not just talking about oh I have morning sickness (because I have written a lot about that but at least I am thankful for it, I know it's a good sign) but things like, this baby better be a girl or boy, I hope the baby sleeps well, I'm so tired I just want this pregnancy to be over with (I wish I could be pregnant forever, at least the baby is somewhat safe inside me), I don't like when this little one kicks because it annoys me and keeps me up (yet here I was desperately trying to get Jacob to move every night, I woke up every two hours to make sure he was moving still) women who have not had losses take pregnancy for granted, I'll admit with Ty yeah I complained because I was sicker than a dog (not sure where that term comes from, thought about that the other day) I had every side effect a pregnant women could (well all non-life threatening ones) it was rough BUT I was thankful. I didn't complain much (other than the morning sickness) because I knew it would all be worth it and even though we lost him, you know what, it was still worth it. That's one reason we went through everything we did with Jacob, we knew it would be worth it and those 2 1/2 days were priceless to us!
So other pregnant women do bother me because they don't know how precious the little life inside them is, they take it for granted and complain about the stupidest things. I'm not saying every pregnant woman does, I'm sure those who know someone who has been affected by loss are a bit more reserved in their pregnancies but it's the ones who act like nothing can happen and for them, most of the time they will be fine so I'm sure thats why they act like it yet I am suppose to hide my boys from these pregnant women to "protect" them, I think thats the biggest load of BS ever. I wish someone would have told me not all babies live, that things could go wrong (I knew that too well the second time) I know that even more so this time. I don't take any day for granted, as you can clearly see by this blog, each and every single day is a small victory. Friday will mark 9 weeks, half way to our big ultrasound some may say, but for us, it means 3 weeks to our next big ultrasound. The fact is, every ultrasound is big for us, we know at any point something can go wrong, every appointment is a big deal for us, filled with anxiety and fear. We take it day by day because that's all we can do. We appreciate each day, I appreciate each time I run to the bathroom gagging and how tired I have been. When I don't feel nauseous I get this pit in my stomach, a fear that something is very wrong. I know my morning sickness is suppose to settle down in the coming weeks (with Ty it didn't until week 25 so I still have hope) but I do hope there is still some sign for me that everything is okay. Faith is really hard for me to trust right now, as hard as I'm trying, it's not easy. I do have faith but I also like signs.
8 weeks 1 day: Something I am really struggling with, like I did with Ty, is being able to prepare food. I just can't do it. The look of uncooked meat grosses me out and makes me gag (don't even get me started on chicken puke!) This poses a problem when it comes to eating. Not that I really have an appetite anyways...but cooking dinner is something I took over while I was not pregnant and now my poor hubs never has any dinner. We tend to grab food while we're out or eat cereal. There are some things I could make, the staples in our diet where I make a huge batch and freeze a bunch so we have meals to go to, those I could do but here lies the issue. Two of our biggest make big and freeze meals are chili and spaghetti sauce. You might be wondering why that is an issue, perhaps chili because it is too spicy, no, bee does NOT like tomatoes of any kind! No plain tomatoes, no tomato based soups, nothing related to tomatoes, not even ketchup, she is NOT a fan so that leave a bit of a problem when it comes to the whole chili, spag. sauce meals. They are both heavily tomato based. I'm really hoping this changes as the pregnancy goes on because I don't have the energy to cook every day but if I can make big meals and ones that freeze well, we should be able to eat. But for now we will rely on Kraft Dinner, Out and Back frozen dinners and lots of veggie meals. As well as watermelon (we go through one every two days it seems) and local strawberries.
8 weeks 2 days: I know I asked for morning sickness and wow did I ever get it. I do fully expect to be throwing up at some point during the next two weeks and every day it will be a battle to keep it all down. With both of the boys I was my sickest during now and week 10 (when my hormones peak) and the way it is going this time, I will be doing everything I can to not toss my cookies. We also discovered today that I am not allowed to go grocery shopping until this severe morning sickness passes. We were only in the store 15 minutes and I had to leave, if I gagged anymore they were going to see the samples I consumed again and they wouldn't be as pretty the second time. The only thing that seems to work is laying on my side and chewing peppermint gum, t he problem with peppermint gum is it is made with aspartame. I read through all my pregnancies about the effects of aspartame and decided gum ever now and then would be okay if it's the only thing keeping food down. I am going to try mints to see if they work as well and look into some natural gum because I do feel horribly guilty for having it. I'm very hard on myself, I still feel guilty for the loss of both boys, like it was related to me some how, it's a feeling only angel moms can understand no matter how many doctors tell us it wasn't. The thing I try to remind myself is, there are thousands of worse products out there I could be putting in my body and gum is probably not anywhere near as harmful as some of those other things. I made sure to be healthy as possible after loosing Jacob and going as natural as I could without having a foul odor. The thing is, gum works for me, it's one of the only things and I won't need it the whole pregnancy (I pray) but to get me through the next two weeks, in addition to laying down a lot, it's what I need. I am incredibly thankful I am not working right now, I am very blessed not to have to worry about that because I could only imagine how hard it would be to have to work and be this sick. I am so thankful I get to lay at home and talk to Bee all day long and just be (no pun intended) but I am very blessed to have this time at home with Bee before I have to go back to work and by then the morning sickness should subside a bit and on I will go. But for the next two weeks, my goal is to not toss my cookies, no grocery shopping for me, just laying at home growing a baby which this time is taking ALL my energy. I think I am more inactive right now than I was when I was depressed after loosing the boys, though now, it may be both. Depression and pregnancy...that's a killer combo! I just pray that this time, we will get to bring the reward home, we are out there risking it and we want our reward. We want a breathing, healthy, living child placed in our arms, we want to hear Bee cry, change Bee's diaper, feed Bee and actually use our baby things for a baby instead of Charlie. I may have my head over the toilet the next 2 weeks but I know with everything that I have, no matter the outcome, it will be worth it.
P.S. After having written this entry it was decided I had to go to the grocery store as we were out of milk and I needed some more mints. The other reason a pregnant woman should not go to the grocery store besides the sight and smell making me gag, I went for milk and mints and came home with milk, mints, chocolate cupcakes, frozen yogurt sandwiches, frozen yogurt ice cream cones, 3 things of small size ice cream and freezies. Can we say cravings? I think I'm craving chocolate, Bee you are totally a girl, you have to be! The cherries I ate earlier I even found sour....and now all this chocolate frozen goodness.....just know if you send a pregnant woman to the store, chances are she will come back with things she didn't intend on getting. To be fair I did intend on getting the chocolate cupcakes which is kind of a Jacob thing. Mmmmmmmm.....so yummy!
8 weeks 4 days: I finally got out today, I just went to the mall to do some window shopping and decided I can't do that anymore until we know what team Bee is on! I did happen to get one outfit for a girl and I feel so incredibly guilty because I've only gotten girl things this pregnancy, though today I did pick up a boy outfit. It's not that I'll be disappointed if it's a boy, that's not the case at all, it's just, well, (thats a lot of commas) we have things for boys. That being said, I do know I will have to get some new things because I don't think I can bring myself to put a boy in some of the clothes we got for Ty and Jacob. Being on a very strict budget as well, I need to find cheap clothes and when I see a good deal I figure I should get stuff as we go along. But most of it has been girl stuff and I feel sad about that. I have a feeling Bee is a girl but if he's not well then I'll still be excited and happy, albeit, a little more terrified since I have lost two boys already, but looking at little boy stuff hurts my heart. It makes me realize what I've missed out on and buying girl stuff doesn't because we haven't had a girl yet.
The Canadian government has also officially royally screwed my EI so now I don't even know if I will qualify when I apply in January and they are not being cooperative to fix the mistake they made. Talk about stress! I was so stressed yesterday I started to cramp really bad so I ended up going to sit with the boys for a bit and then coming home and laying down most of the day to try and relax. It didn't work much and a phone call back today didn't get my questions answered and in the mean time, well they continue to make me wait to talk to someone, the CRA contacted us and now our taxes are all messed up from last year and the returns we were counting on this month won't be coming until later when this whole EI issue get sorted out. It has been a HUGE stressor and it pisses me of that this matter is not being dealt with because it is messing up so many things for Stephen and I. It's just so messed up. There now saying there going to take back the money they gave us (which I know, they'd have to do that to cancel out the claim) but I was told they may not credit those hours back, oh hell fucking yes they will, either give me the money or the hours, you messed this up, you owe me one thing or the other (I'm hoping for the hours so I can apply for mat leave in January) but that has yet to be figured out because there is no one I can directly contact, they can only contact me when it is convenient for them. I think I have sworn more in the last two days then the last two years. The last thing I need to worry about is mat leave, out of everyone, I sure deserve it the most and I'm forcing myself to go back to work to get the additional 200 hours I need so they will be giving me those hours back or I'll see them in court. You can't take both back and leave me sol, no Canadian government you can't screw your citizens over like that.
That being said, if everything does get sorted out I just know come January there will be an issue. I know they will say there aren't enough hours and I'll say yes there are I've been on disability and there are hours from 2011 to count and they'll say you already used those and I'll say no I haven't you processed a claim I never filed and took those earned hours away from me for no reason and it's going to be a big huge mess and even more stress. I just wish this was easy. I wish I could have mentally been able to go back to work a few months ago to make up all the hours but I can't, no person who has lost a child, let alone two in less then a year is sane enough to go back to work. I am going to try and demand they send me a letter stating the money was given back and that they credited my account with (however many hours I have) so I have proof come January. And if this does not get sorted out, well we're sol thanks to the Canadian government and then there will be a court case which will cause even more stress. Unless Stephen and I can fundraise enough to cover a year of work for me through the generosity of people, we won't have a choice. I do hope in a few weeks from now I can report that everything has been fixed and that they sent me a letter but don't hold you breath, it's the Canadian government, I don't expect much from them.