17 weeks 6 days: All the news of yesterday has finally set in and honestly, I'm feeling sad. I was on such a high yesterday to hear Bee is healthy, with the small heart possibility (but like the tech said, she could see exactly what she needed to see but could not get a picture because of Bee's arm position) but other than that, Bee is A okay. I feel sad because I know that I should be happy. Everyone keeps congratulating us and I know Bee being healthy is something to celebrate but I know we still 18 more weeks to go and anything can happen in the next 18 weeks. I can't let my heart become vulnerable (as if it already isn't right?) TO be even more honest, I am even more scared now. Knowing Bee is healthy scares me because as much as I am afraid Bee will die too, bringing Bee home is just as scary.
It was like a HUGE weight was lifted off shoulders but it was replaced with another one. I made it the first 18 weeks, I pray I can make it through the second. I know as Bee gets bigger the kicks will get stronger and the more visits we will have but I don't think even that will reassure me. Two more weeks until we can go to L&D when ever we want to get Bee checked out and 6 more weeks until Bee hits the viable stage. Those are our next two milestones.
Either way, we are officially half way there and thanks to pinterest I found the perfect photo idea for the half way mark.....ps. it doesn't say 58, it says 50 but my belly button is such an outie it makes it look like an 8.
Going through a rainbow pregnancy is different for everyone. Some women still feel excited, yet cautious, while others are terrified and then there are the in between. Decisions about the nursery, finding out the gender, washing clothes, getting everything ready are tough decisions no matter how you handle a rainbow pregnancy. All of these decisions are so critical because do you really want to set up another nursery only to have it sit empty for years again? Do you really want to have to put clothes away in plastic bins again? There's so much more involved in the preparation.
For us the nursery was done before we were even pregnant, minus a few detailed items. We have the basics done, it was painted, we had a colour scheme, crib was up, change table was out, chair was re-done and it was mostly set up. That wasn't a hard thing for us since it was already there. We will install the car seat only because I want it checked at the car seat clinic for safety reason but the other preparations for me are hard. When do I wash the cloths, do I even wach the clothes (boy or girl both gender clothes will be washed) when do I put them in the drawers, when do I buy the baby bath items, the wipes, the things that expire?
Do we even buy things ahead of time or do we wait until Bee is safely here? The other hard thing is, Bee's gender may be a secret until birth so how do I prepare for that? In one way it's a good thing because I can't really prepare. I don't have to take the heartache of going through the boys things until Bee is safely here and at that point I'm sure I'll still be an emotional mess.
There are things I have been looking into. I finally decided we are going to get a BabyHawk Mei Tai carrier, the fabric and colour are another month long decision but at least I settled on the kind.
I settled on the wipes, all organic 100% natural bamboo wipes. I still need to research the whole bath products for about another month, read reviews, check them out in stores, ask opinions, it's a lenghty process and even though it is preparation I find it feels more like a mind distraction and still, I do not relate any of this to Bee, it's just to a baby we will someday have.
I do it out of hopes it helps me connect, helps me feel excited and at peace but I have not felt that yet. It is something I am really struggling with. I thought perhaps after Wednesdays ultrasound I'd feel something but I'm sad and still terrified. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even pregnant, there is such a disconnection between my mind, heart and uterus. Now that Bee is kicking more (and they are getting stronger) I would think my mind or heart would clue in but they haven't yet. This is just another struggle us rainbow pregnancy moms go through, not all of us do but a large portion do.
I will continue to do things for Bee even though in my mind it's just for any baby, I will continue to learn about the safest products out there. I will continue to make decisions and maybe one day my complete body will make the connection that there really is a baby inside me, one that deserves oddles of celebration. I just know it won't be easy. I can't get excited about anything because it makes me realize just how much I am missing out with the boys. Everything I do for this baby, preparation wise reminds me of the boys and what should be. Washing baby clothes will never be exciting, there will never be joy until Bee has worn them and pooped all over them. But I do it because it's something you do when you are expecting a baby except this is my third time doing it and I'm still not guaranteed that anything will be used.
I was excited when I got home today. I won a cloth diaper a few weeks ago and got to choose which pattern I wanted...I'm sure you can all guess what I chose....The owls I ordered online because I had been eyeing them for a year and HAD to get Bee one...or two...
HEALTHY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOT WHOOOOOTT!!!!! Bee has decided she (he) wants to keep a little secret from us. We are thinking Bee is a boy because he/she had his/her hand between his/her legs the whole time playing with him/her self which is going to be a GREAT story to tell some day. But gender does not matter, it will be a surprise until birth! So until Bee is born she will be Bee and I will, for Bee's sake, try to use some he's in there so he doesn't get a complex. Here's to 18 more weeks of a secret.
The appointments went well. I was not really nervous until we were waiting in ultrasound and it was taking a long time. Each time one of the techs came out I was like crap that's a good one, thinking I was going to get stuck with the not so good ones and then they called my number. A lady I had not had before was who was up. I was very weary at first because I know the good ones and how much they rock but once we were in the room I could tell she was going to be an awesome tech! Let me just say she was the BEST tech ever! She actually read my background and we talked a lot about the boys but she knew right away to tell me there was a heartbeat and what it was at, that there was fluid, a bladder and as soon as she found the kidneys she told me (at which point I got slightly teary eyed) She did extensive measures because Bee was in such a good position to get great pictures of her brain and spine (I'm still going to refer to Bee as she because I have all along even though now we think it may be a boy) Anyways, she rocked because she showed me so much (more then she was suppose to) and gave us some great pictures. She was so thorough in showing us all the details and didn't mind showing Stephen a lot as well and answering some questions. We got to see Bee yawn and move around, move her hands and feet (of which I could feel) open her hands and close them, give us the thumbs up and so much more. We spent an hour in there and got to see so much of Bee which I was so thankful for. Truly, T. is the BEST tech ever! She is also the one who will be doing our Echo in a few weeks so we get to see her again and I'm sure she'll show us even more. It was just such a great experience and something I really needed.
We do need to have an echo, one because we asked and two because Bee was just not as cooperative to make a decent call. She was face down at first and then had her arm across her chest so we could not get a clear picture of Bee's heart. She did see what she needed too but couldn't get a picture so back to get an echo, but we were going to request one anyways.
Other then that Bee got an A+ for health and from here on in we will be going every two weeks with quick bedside ultrasounds to keep an eye on things and after 28 weeks we'll be getting detailed ultrasounds to check the cord and growth. All in all today was a great day, Bee is healthy and happy and that makes us ecstatic and she REALLY likes chocolate milk, I know her wiggle drink. I feel one heavy weight has been lifted off our shoulders and now it is a waiting game. But for right now Bee is healthy and happy and we are happy. Praying this continues and she really will be our keeper. Now for the good part, the pictures of our little little.
17 weeks 4 days: Here I sit, all alone on the eve before the day of doom. My poor parents stuck on a Michigan highway due to an accident which has caused a road closure, my husband just leaving from Barrie to head home (and who knows what traffic he has to face) and then there is me, at home sitting at my computer and very surprisingly not totally freaking the heck out. I'll admit, I am surprised I don't have more anxiety. I may have some which could explain the stomach in knots all day but it's more subconscious if it is. Today was a slow day at work but my mind didn't wander to Bee. I went to Cheeky Monkey at lunch and bought Bee a Bee bib (they also have the backpack and lunch bag on sale I may have to get) call it another leap of faith.
I do give God credit, lord knows he has given me ubber amounts of strength and courage to get through all of this and perhaps he has given me the peace, calm and reassurance I have been praying for. Perhaps it is the fact that I have felt Bee kicking away since week 9 and continue to which I did not have with Jacob until much later because of no fluid. I know Bee is moving around, I can tell by where she kicks. That is a good thing. That must be more reassuring then I am giving it credit. Perhaps I know I'll be able to handle whatever comes our way, the sad thing is, I'm more prepared to deal with a baby dying then bringing one home because I've done it twice, I know what to do. Of course there is no way in hell I want to lose Bee, NO that is not what I am saying but my heart has been in that situation twice, I know it can handle it.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I do know that at 9:15am my mom, dad, Stephen and I will all pile into one car (they are coming up here to specifically be here for us for this appointment in case it goes bad) head to the hospital and have a very long day filled with tears I'm sure (mom I'm calling it now, you'll probably cry first which will set me off big time) but I hope at the end of the day I can go to bed knowing that Bee, at this moment, is perfectly healthy and that means we are one step closer to bringing her home (or him)
Tonight I can go to bed and hopefully get some sleep not knowing what tomorrow will bring but praying it goes well. We need this HUGE step to be HUGELY successful. It is one of our biggest milestones, it is a critical milestone. I do NOT want to hear "incompatible with life" again, all I care to hear is that Bee looks perfectly healthy at this point and we can go forward one step closer to bringing her/him home.
I have been thinking a lot about how I will feel after tomorrow. I thought I would bee reassured after 12 weeks but it just got worse. Will I feel the same tomorrow or will I actually feel a sense of relief and peace for once? Will my heart start to open up and feel for Bee, I surely cannot ignore the kicks much anymore. It is something I have struggled with. With Jacob I tried to protect my heart and disconnect myself, I did it for me and it worked (until we found out his diagnosis, I was too in love then) But this time I am trying so hard to connect, to feel, to love and it's just not coming. I know this is normal as I have talked to others who have lost more then one baby and even ones with one loss know how hard it can be to connect. I wonder if after tomorrow that will change for me like it did with Jacob....only time will tell.
I sit here with Bee kicking away thinking about where we will park tomorrow. There was a fire in one of the parking garages so we may not be able to park there. What door will we enter, will my mom be crying as soon as we get there? How will waiting for the ultrasound tech go? How will going into the ultrasound by myself at first feel, will that set me off? I pray I get one of the REALLY good techs. I mean honestly most of them are good but in a case like mine a very certain one comes to mind. Though there are a few close seconds. Will I get someone who is spectacular, who won't mind me asking for my husband to come in first by himself and then my parents even though that will take a bit of time. Will they understand that time is so important to us and that tomorrow may be the only time we get to see Bee alive. How many pictures will they print for us. I know they can't tell us gender but will they show us so we can guess? How will walking down to Dr.S's feel? Will we be crying with tears of happiness at the picture of kidneys I am holding? Will we be crying because they told us to go to the Dr right away and not let anyone see the baby (which right there, something is wrong) Should I tell them to act like nothing is wrong so we don't know until we get to Dr S because what if he is running behind and we have to wait an hour? Can I talk to his nurse to get us in as soon as we are done as we are anxiously awaiting to hear the results from him. How will it feel sitting in the exam room waiting for him, will I be able to control my emotions? How will it feel when he walks in the door and sits down to look at the ultrasounds, will I lose it then? Will I lose it when he tells us what the gender is (assuming Bee has uncurled and is facing forwards)
Tomorrow brings so many questions and a lot of fear but it's a fear that we have to face and as of right now a fear I'm not that afraid to face. I also have a slew of questions for the doctor. Lately I have noticed (and maybe just now because I can eat a bit) but most things taste gross. Most things do NOT taste like they should, I always think food is bad or something is wrong but it's not, my taste has changed significantly. I never had this with either boy and I want to know if it is normal and of course the almost dying pain I had last Thursday will be discussed too. I now know I have to be 20 weeks to head to L&D but with seeing Dr S every two weeks from here on out (will have to tell them at work soon) maybe I won't need to go. Maybe I won't freak out (PFFTTT BA HA HA who am I kidding) but I have to wait 2 more weeks until L&D that is my next goal, 20 weeks, then 24 weeks when the baby is considered viable and after that week by week until 34/35 weeks when it will be in the hospital time for me and praying my heart out this baby makes it, praying Bee is our keeper, happy, healthy, living breathing keeper that gets to come home and kick the cats out of the baby things so she/he can use it!
So on this even of the day of doom I feel incredibly sick to my stomach (have all day) perhaps it is nerves, perhaps it is something else. I am home alone for another few hours until my family all safely arrive (I pray) I'm not thinking too much about tomorrow, instead I am focusing on something positive. I think I narrowed down my carrier choice and now I'm deciding on baby cleaning products. We already know we will be going with organic bamboo wipes and the line that carries them has other baby products I think I'll want to use. It is focusing on something positive, a hope or dream perhaps. Still not tied to this baby specifically as I have yet to day dream about Bee at all, but just a baby in general and maybe after tomorrow it will be about Bee.....
I will update as soon as I can but you can bet if it's good news we will be going out to celebrate, we just can't go crazy and buy clothes because if we do find out the gender, it will be a secret only Stephen and I know (until he slips up) Off to bed I go....man tomorrow is going to be insane!
17 weeks 2 days: I write this blog having no idea what gender this baby is or if we even want to find out. But I'd be lying if I said I had no emotions or feelings on gender. As we approach this time when we may become very aware of what our baby is I wanted to shed my thoughts and feelings before we find out. Plus, in the last day I have been asked 3 times if we know what we are having...no we don't and I don't know if we will and I know all of you are going to ask as well...it seems to be the thing to do, ask the pregnant lady if she knows what she is having, you know what my response will be "a healthy baby" that's all we actually truly care about and really mean it.
But, as you all know I have carried to term two boys, both of whom passed away. This has caused a lot of self doubt in carrying any baby to term but specifically a baby boy. My mind and heart do not think my body can handle carrying a healthy baby boy to term and giving birth to a living baby. I don't trust my body to be able to do that so the idea of having another little boy terrifies me. I'm afraid it would automatically mean another loss. Having said that, of course we want another boy! We want to look down and catch glimpses of what Ty and Jacob may have looked like or how they would have acted. We still want a living boy, I just know I was meant to be a mother of little boys because I'm such a tom boy. But if it is another boy, I know I will be more anxious and we are clueless as to what name we would want. Not that those are bad things (well the anxiety yes, I know little boys have a harder time then little girls)
Because I have lost two little boys I do kind of hope this one is a girl, just to see if my body can handle giving birth to a living breathing girl and see if that makes a difference.That's really the the only reason and yes we want a girl too so it really doesn't matter but given our history I would like it to be a girl this time. If it's a boy we're perfectly fine with that as well but it just means I'll be even more on edge. We also thought Jacob was a girl at first so we were use to the idea of having a girl and we still both want that and I know we will have one (I should say MANY) of each one day through fostering and adoption but for the sake of my mentality and fear....a girl this time would be nice.
Perhaps it is best we don't find out....
But for the fun of it I was taking some oneline gender predictor tests...here's what I discovered:
I tried the ring on a string, my results went straight line to circle back to straight line and we know there is only one so that proved nothing.
Chinese Gender Chart says girl (it was 1 for 2 with the boys)
I took a test, my answers were, I'm carrying low and around my middle, I have had horrible morning (all day) sickness, Babe's heartbeat is higher then 150, I got an odd number for my age and the month we conceived (28+5) my hair is the same, my complexion is the same, we conceived before I ovulated, my belly looks like a watermelon and my feet are warmer then usual. All of these point to a girl.
Having said that there are also some more TMI questions but they point to a boy..so the verdict: 50/50
I do feel I am having a girl though and have had more girl dreams than boys.
Either way, as long as we get to bring a healthy living baby home we'll be happy. We have enough for either though I can see if it is a girl, packing away the boys clothes will be very very tough. That will definitely bring on some emotions!
Bee no matter what you are we will love you, it's just if you happen to be a boy you may not have a name for a long time. All we really care about is that you are healthy and make it safely into our arms and that we get to bring you home, we don't care what your packing down south.
In other news, Wednesday is just around the corner and at this very moment I am anxious but no where as bad as I thought I would be....yet. Perhaps Bee kicking me is really what I needed to calm my heart and ease my anxiety and it wont get the best of me. Only 3 more sleeps until we know if Bee is healthy or not or if further tests will need to be done (I know a ton of things that can go wrong) I just pray we get a break and that Bee gets an A+ for being healthy!
17 weeks 1 day: I am going to treat myself to one luxury for Bee....I have had my eye on it since just after Ty passed and I'm going to get it. I have decided I am going to treat myself to the diaper bag I have had my eye on for over two years! I went to order it online today since Kohls is having a sale but this is what I found:
Jessica Bishop™ Butterfly Personal Diaper Bag sale $110.00 regular $110.00
I think Kohls forgot what the meaning of "sale" is. Generally when one puts something on "sale" it is cheaper then the regular price....just saying. I will check back later today to see if it is fixed, plus I have a coupon for an additional 20% off. I am a little weary to order it this soon, I always think things I do is going to jinx the baby, like picking up fall/winter mat clothes tomorrow. But I have to do it, it is something I have wanted for so long and the significance of the butterfly's is why I really want it. It's a reminder of the boys as butterfly's represent those gone too soon. Butterfly's represent so much about life and death and the bag just makes me feel close to my boys so I am going to treat myself (which I never do) I always had a vision to be a styling mom, which took a drastic turn to sweat and yoga pants after the boys died but I promised myself and my kids that I will take care of myself. Though I must admit, yoga pants will still be worn. 'They are sooo comfy and they can look stylish with the right shirt and boots.
I've really struggled with appearance every since Ty died. I just don't really care much and I don't know how to dress myself, I have never been one for fashion. Add to the fact that fashion costs money, even cheap fashion so I don't really see the point in it. I just never spend money on myself. But this diaper bag WILL be bought for me!
Anyways, today Stephen did not have to travel, in fact his traveling is done for the most part (WHOOOO) even though that cuts down his hours which means a cut in pay, I don't care. Money is never important to us, as long as the bills are paid and there is a roof over our head we care about each other. Getting to spend time with him is what is important. He does have to travel to Peterborough next week but after that he is London bound YAHHHHH. So today we decided to celebrate, went out for breakfast at the market, finally got a Burek which I have been eyeing for 3 years and let me tell you, if you live in London go to the Market to Hot Oven and get the apple cinnamon Burek....you will thank me. Also, as a Nelles pregnancy tradition we headed down to Port Stanley to get some Mackies Fries! Here are some pics of the festivities: P.S. I'm really glad I got in some good husband time today, it was much needed and nice! And no I did not really get two ice cream cones, I was just holding Stephens for a moment.
Today was a great day, Bee has been kicking which is giving so much reassurance. But I must admit, as good as my day was my heart is with another mommy at the moment. I'm asking everyone to keep baby Bentley in your prayers. He has shaken baby syndrome from his father and is fighting for his life in a Michigan hospital. Also please keep his mommy in your prayers as she deals with this shock and having had a child fighting for his life in the NICU I can tell you, it's one of the hardest things to have to go through. There is a picture of him on facebook but for privacy reasons I do not want to post it here, it is truly heart breaking though. If you are on facebook you can visit his page and leave some encouragement for his mommy: http://www.facebook.com/groups/137740589702443/
17 weeks: Last night was almost ER visit number 2. It's a good thing I had not such a great experience the first time and really did not want to go back today. Last night around 11 I woke up in excruciating pain, I mean I couldn't move or breathe it was so painful. I tried to move around, walk, squat, anything but nothing was working. I told Stephen to get ready because I thought we'd be heading to the hospital. I just kept moving and rubbing my belly and about 15 minutes later the pain completely stopped and I've been fine since. Bee gave me some good kicks about an hour later (I was up most of the night) and it reassured me she was okay. I'm not sure if it was a pinched nerve or a pulled muscle (it kind of felt like it afterwards because I woke up this morning with some aches but more pulled muscles residual aches) but it hurt like heck and if contractions are anything like that for real (I can't really remember with Ty) my whole natural thing is going out the window, though 15 minutes was really intense. Stephen was feeling my stomach and it wasn't hard. He remembers how hard it gets when it contracts and it wasn't that. The pain started in an area I've had pain before, really low and to the right. Before it just feels like I move too quickly and I pull a ligament which it did last night but it spread across my belly and it was intense.
I'm sure I probably should do get checked out but I am so scared. I only have until Wednesday but trust me, if it happens again I will be at the hospital. Right now I'm having a bit of pain but it feels more like gas that will just not come out. Kind of like after my c-section where it was hard to get gas out, it feels like that but just really intense.
Anyways to say I was scared doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was balling and praying to God and the boys not to let it have anything to do with Bee, I was begging for her life with everything I had. I'm still debating whether or not go to in but I think I will head to work first and see how I feel today and I can always go in tonight, I just want to hit a good time so we don't have to wait too long though if I go in in pain, I will NOT be waiting long, especially if I think I am in labour. I don't think I am I think it was just a pinched nerve because it lasted 15 minutes, no hard belly and I'm fine now (minus the gas/constipation pain) We shall see how today goes.....crossing my fingers its all okay.
So today sucked. I made it ha;f way to work and decided I had to be checked out for my sanity. I called Stephen and let him know to get ready, my intentions were to head to the ER. I got home and just before we left I decided to call the ER to see what the wait time was....5 hours and that was just to get in to be seen, not even all the tests so I decided that was not an option. As much pain as I was in I still wanted to go to work. I called my doctors office but he wasn't in clinic today so I decided to go to a walk in clinic. I was in and out in a good amount of time. The took a sample to check for bladder/kidney infection but nothing showed up yet. We got to listen to Bees heartbeat (which I had yet to hear so it was nice) and we both felt Bee kicking, she did not like being probed. He wasn't too concerned and said just to keep an eye on it. It could be sciatic, pinched nerve or bad muscle pulls. Or ligaments. All I know is all day long I have been in pain. I took a Tylenol and it helped a bit and Bee has been kicking away so I know she is okay for the moment but the pain is starting again. I'm having lower back pain and cramps so we may very well end up in the ER, we'll just go at 2am when it shouldnt be as busy. I just sat at work all day in pain and now I'm at home resting. Hoping the pain goes away with some heat, massage and laying down.
I've also been eating a lot of fiber today so that could explain the cramps, either way I am in pain and terrified. I don't know if I'll make it to Wednesday. I just wish this was easier....I don't need the added anxiety of all these pains and cramps. I just hope it gets better tonight.....I really do not want to go to the ER, 3 more weeks until I meet l&d requirements!
16 weeks 3 days: Well I officially have an illness non-pregnancy related and it has me winded up the wall with worry. Today I woke up feeling incredibly ill and not morning sickness ill, I mean I'm going to throw my guts up ill because something in my tummy is funky. I took a diclectin and figured I'd try to go to work. I have only been taking one diclectin for almost 5 days now so the extra one this morning made it hard for me to keep my eyes open. It didn't really help. Around noon I caved and took a gravol because it was only getting worse. I did manage to eat a baked potato for lunch and drank a large sprite to ease my tummy woes. It seems to have worked for the most part. Now I'm just dealing with feeling hot and cold, being tired, having a sore throat and the sniffles. I thought I had a fever but I've been checking and the highest it got was up to 99.1. I know pregnant women get sick all the time and their okay but I also know some moms who lost their little ones because they got sick so it has me on edge. I think this evening I will take a Tylenol (fever is the major thing that can harm the baby) and see how I feel tomorrow and if it's not better off to the walk in clinic I go.
I know there isn't much they can do or much I can do but I think seeing a doctor is important. If anything it'll make me feel a bit better. Stephen is aware in Barrie today and will be home late because someone can't do a tour until 8pm. That puts him home around 11:30 if he is lucky. Tonight I am going to try to eat a bit of dinner and then go rest, maybe watch some netflix or something but I know I need to rest tonight. Perhaps all the business I have been doing over the last few days took a toll on me and my body is just telling me to rest. So rest I shall! Hoping I feel heeps better tomorrow so I know it hasn't affected the baby much. If not, well I'll deal with it then.
16 weeks 4 days: Day two of being sick. I woke up this morning with my tummy feeling better. I was careful what I ate for breakfast though, I didn't want to jinx it. I do have a bit of a sore throat (no fever YAH) coughs, tired, runny nose so I suspect it is a every day run of the mill cold. I was cold today and all I wanted for lunch was Timmies chicken noodle soup. I went on a search and discovered the ones closest to work were closed BOO so I settled for some sodium filled pre packaged crap. But because my husband rocks and he is awesome he showed up with some Timmies :0) I had already eaten by this point so I am asving it for dinner. Going to try and kick this cold before it kicks me and Bee (who has moved today thank GOD) I will say, every day Bee kicks and I can feel it gives me a bit more reassurance, not a lot, barely anything, but a bit.
16 weeks 5 days: One week until the big day, the day our fate will change on way or another, good or bad. I woke up feeling better today, I was hungry. That's a good sign. Still sore throat runny nose blah but I now know it's nothing major. No fever thankfully, just a lot of cramps and pulled muscles. Actually I felt better most of the day. Work has been quiet with the boss gone so it has given me more time to think but at this very moment, I'm still feeling okay. I give myself until Saturday before the realization train runs me over. Who knows, maybe my boys are giving me oodles of strength to make it through the next week. It is after all only a week, it'll be here before I know it and I took the whole day off to celebrate....or cry, whatever happens I won't be going back to work that afternoon.
I think one thing that has actually given me a lot more reassurance then I'm giving it credit is the fact I can feel Bee kick and a few times a day. It's nothing normal yet and Stephen can't feel it but I can and I didn't with Jacob until around 22 weeks due to lack of fluid, so I'm choosing to see this as a good sign. If I can feel baby this early that has got to mean there is enough fluid. I would talk more about gender as I think we intend on finding out if Bee wants us to know but I posted a separate blog for that.
I have also been doing my homework on some baby products we still need. We never got everything we needed with both the boys because we were counting on gifts when the boys were born and at Christmas so there are still a few things we need. I've debated whether or not to buy them before hand (the Halo Snuza will be bought before hand) but the other things may wait as welcome baby presents. I think I finally narrowed it down to a hand full of baby carriers I like. Ergo, Baby K-Tan and Mei Tai but now a few people have said Beco so I'm out of thoughts. I wish there was a way to try all of them but not all stores carry them so I'm going to go in what I think and what others suggest. I fully expect to be paying at least $100 for a good one, I'm looking for one that is infant through Toddler so I know there a bit more pricey but worth it.
The funny thing is, when I research these things, I don't picture myself using them, I don't dream of what it might be like to wear one with Bee in it. I haven't got to that point yet. All I think about is the logistics of these products.
I enjoyed lunch today with a good friend which helped ease some anxiety, it always does. Talking to people who have been in my shoes, there is something so magical about it. They understand every aspect of what is happening.
Sicky seems to be going away and I'm still on 1 diclectin, hoping to try and come off of it this weekend as the gagging in the morning is dying down. We'll see how it goes. At least I don't have too many things to do Saturday so if I am sick I can just take an emergency gravol and pass out. Actually napping all day sounds likes a great idea.
16 weeks 2 days: I FINALLY finished the nursery. I had half of the room done for a while, minus a few last minute touches and last night (and well yesterday as well) I finally finished the change table area. I deliberated for months over what to do and I just didn't know but thanks to pinterest I found an idea I loved and went with it. Let me tell you, hanging peg board by yourself...not easy! But I managed and somehow it turned out to be level. Here as some pics and I can't remember if I posted the ones of the nursery so I'm just posting them again because I'm so proud I actually have put together a nursery all by myself with half of the items being hand made.
Completing this project has been my leap of faith (one of many I push myself to do) It does scare the shit out of me to think that I now have a complete nursery set up and yet I still don't know if it will be used. But I have to hope and have faith and this is one of my hope and faith actions, a daily reminder of what still can be.
16 weeks 2 days: Weekly belly pictures...Stats : 3lbs gained so far (truly all baby) You can't really tell from the front, but from the side...oh man!
15 weeks 6 days: I debated whether or not to writer about how I have really been feeling lately as I have a lot of mommy guilt. But I figured if I shared maybe some of you could realte and not feel so alone so here goes nothing (and cue the guilt trip I am giving myself) I am 16 weeks (well off one day depending on who you ask) and as of yet I really have not felt much for Bee. I can remember when we first found out I was excited and happy but since those first few days the feelings have disapperared. With Jacob I tried not to let myself get to close due to the fact I was afraid of losing him, but even when we knew I still loved him, if not even more. With Ty I had so much excitment, love and joy. With Jacob I felt such a special connection and closeness and well with Bee the only thing I feel is fear and anxiety. My heart refuses to let me connect, to feel love, to feel happy or excited. I tried to protect it with Jacob and that was stupid. I'm not trying to this time, I want so badly to feel something, to feel love or closeness like I had with the boys but I haven't been able to yet and it makes me feel like a big piece of shit. I feel like a horrible mother.
It's not that I don't love Bee, I'm doing so much for her, things a mother would do out of love, I just don't feel it. All I feel like is crying because I am so scared. I feel horribly guilty I feel this way, or well, lack of feeling this way. I do know it took me 18 weeks to feel much with Jacob and maybe that is the case with Bee. In two weeks I know regardless of what the outcome is, feelings will come one way or another. I just wish I could feel them now. I know I'll still be anxious and I pray that once we know the baby is healthy and possibly what Bee has going on down south, maybe then I will feel connected. It won't just be Bee at that point it will be a baby (who will be lucky to have a name before we leave the hospital) a little boy or girl, sick or healthy I do not know. All I know right now is I have a lot of guilt for not feeling much. I'm sure it's a normal part of a rainbow pregnancy, I mean I had it with Jacob so I know it's hard to connect and that doesn't mean I love Bee any less it just means my damn heart is trying to be so protective when I know that is stupid.
It doesn't work, I learned that with Jacob but the difference this time is I'm not trying. I want to feel something other then terror and fear and I know it takes time, I just wish it would hurry up and get here!
In the mean time I am working on Bee's room still. I have finished one side, whichI think I mentioned and posted pictures but until yesterday I had no idea what to do around the change table but thanks to pinterest, brilliance struck! I bought peg board, hooks, baskets and some decor last night and didn't ggolge how to hang peg board until I got home (which involves more lumber so another trip to Rona tonight) and I LOVE the baskets I picked up at Michaels but I only got two because I wasn't sure I was going to like them so I'll have to go back and get one more and some picture frames. I also need to get the hanger for the mobile for over the change table. As of right now I am thrilled with how it is turning out. I even got some drawer handles that make the dresser look so much nicer. I am pleased with how it is coming together and every day I pray it actually gets used this time. I'll post pictures as soon as I am done. It's going to be my project on Saturday, well I'll try to hang the peg board by myself but it may be a two person job.
In other news, I will say it again. Bee LOVES carbs! I had pasta today for lunch and it's on the menu for dinner tonight, along with the millions of bagels I seem to enjoy and chocolate. Bee loves mint meltaway chocolates!
Speaking of what Bee loves, I do love that I can feel Bee kick me more now. The last few days it has really started to pick up (perhaps it will help me bond and feel excited) Not only do I love sweet little kicks BUT it is reassuring to me. With Jacob I specifically remember going in around 16 weeks and asking my dcotor if it was normal that I didn't feel the baby kick and they said yeah. With Jacob I didn't feel him until after 20 weeks due to the low fluid so if I can feel kicks now I am choosing to see that as a good sign of fluid levels (which mean good kidneys) So as far as I am concered, Bee can kick away all she wants because I LOVE it. I loved it with both Ty and Jacob as well. Sweet little kicks meant so much to me. They still do...
16 weeks: We made it, I still feel Bee kicking away so I know she is okay at the moment. My gallbladder not so much due to the stress but as long as Bee is okay. Speaking of stress, it has been at an all time high, just read my rant the other day and you will know why. I've been reading alot aboout the negative effects of stress on a fetus and I am doing everything I possibly can to reduce stress but honestly, sometimes everything is too much. Hopefully getting my MP on board (whom has also lost a child) will be all I need. As for the mail, there is no solution to that. Waiting for a call from the Ombudsman.
16 weeks 1 day: My eyes have been checked, arm poked, 4 out of the 5 goldfish made it home (the 5th one did too but he's belly up) stuffing my face with Swiss Chalet, opened all the windows to let the fresh air in, got some kitty snuggles, about to give a try at hanging the peg board....now i I can continue to distract my mind to keep it off the horrible dream last night. The one that felt so incredibly real. I was at home by myself while Stephen was away working and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I freaked out but Stephen wasn't home and I didn't know what to do so I just waited to see if it got better. I went to the bathroom later and a huge plop sound happened, I knew what it was, I was so afraid but I looked in the toilet and there was a tiny baby, our tiny baby. I scooped him up out of the toilet to bury him and waited until Stephen got home. Graphic but I know many mothers can relate to horrible terrifying dreams like this. Add on top that today I haven't felt Bee kick, I have been busy on the go so maybe she has but not noticeable. I asked her to send some strong ones way my for reassurance and also because my tummy seems to have shrunk today (hopefully it's just the bloat going down) but it terrifies me because the same thing happened with Jacob due to decrease in his fluid....
Today is a hard day but I am thankful I am down to 1 diclectin a day and hoping some next weekend I'll be off it completely. That is something to focus on over the next week. I have been feeling okay for the most part, but not today. Today I am scared. I really wish Bee would kick, at least
It was confirmed I have felt Bee kicking and I know where she is positioned now. Also, she has a HUGE pasta addiction at the current moment a long with Ontario peaches. Oh and of course chocolate! Did I mention that Purdy's Chocolates is coming to London? Yeah dangerous for a pregnant woman. (Did I even mention what Purdy's Chocolates was? AMAZING chocolate that's what it is. Canadian company, all natural chocolate, no preservatives or additives, and addicting!) There mint meltaways...mmm....Bee will enjoy plenty of those, within reason of course. I've only gained 3lbs so far this pregnancy (so for all those who have seen the pictures, it's all baby!!)
In other news, unbeknown to me, I forgot to take my lunch time diclectin yesterday and felt great! I have been down to 3 for two weeks and was going to wait until the weekend to knock it down to two but seeing as I felt okay yesterday, I'll try again today and just keep some gravol on hand in case I need some quick relief. I'll update in the evening before I post to let you know how it goes. I still feel very queasy but not as much and I am most certainly still riding the gag train hardcore!
A lot of people have asked me if my work knows that I am pregnant yet, I do not believe so. I have done a great job at hiding my belly and then people laugh in my face and say "your hiding that"? Well here is how I do it...
The first picture is of my enormous bump at 15 weeks 5 days...hard to hide you say? Not so if you see in picture two all it takes is some bigger clothes that are baggy and it makes me just look more fat then pregnant. It is one of the only shirts I have left that are still baggy so sooner or later it will be harder to hide but I'd like to wait until the 29th.
So evening update....day two of no lunch time diclectin and guess what???? I feel okay!! WHooooooo, I will do a week of two then try to get down to one and see if I can go completely off of it.
Today has been a hard day, I feel very disappointed. I wish the printer was working yesterday so I could have gotten a picture, I wish we asked what the heartbeat was, what the measurements were...all things I should have asked but I forgot. I was too sad hearing it was still to early to know anything. I'm really bummed.
I did do one thing after work to cheer my up a bit, nothing like a trip to Rona to get my spirits up. I'm not kidding either, I l LOVE home improvement stores! I'm sure I looked silly with my bulging belly carrying a large piece of peg board (it wasn't heavy, don't worry) not only that the guy in lumber was the least bit helpful. I did get a cart to push it around in. I got some hooks and some baskets and I have an idea in my mind. I am very happy with the way Bee's nursery turned out, adding the boys pictures just completed the one side. I was at a loss for weeks though on what to do in the diaper changing corner and then one day while I was pinteresting away I saw a GREAT idea. It was a peg board hung up behind the table with hooks and baskets and some pictures and little decorations. I fell in love with it. So today I went and bought a peg board...I should have looked up how to hang it first since it involves more wood which I will have to take another trip back to Rona for. I'm hoping they have some pre-cut pieces so I don't have to deal with Mr. Unhelpful. I really hope it turns out, lord knows I have had some major pinterest flops in the past and I hope this is NOT one of them, it's for Bee so it has to turn out well.
Speaking of Bee, Bee was busy kicking away today. I most certainly felt her a few times which is always reassuring. Shes nice and nestled right up front, good for kicks! I'm sure it'll only be a matter of days before Stephen can feel her kick. I remember the first time Stephen felt Ty kick was Father's Day 2010. It was such a special day and an amazing memory only Ty could give us.
Another thing I am finding with Bee is I am getting a lot more headaches but I don't know if it is hormone related or neck related as my neck has been bothering me. I can only hope they hire me permanently with benefits and in the benefits there is chiropractic ones and massage because this mama needs it!
Alright bed time for me, or at least relaxing time. It has been one long day filled with much emotion and I still have to pack my lunch for tomorrow, just eating fruit all day counts right?
15 weeks 4 days I sit here two hours before our appointment and surprisingly the tears have not started yet. Do I feel anxious? Of course but not as bad as I have been the last few days. Perhaps Bee's sweet kicks yesterday really did calm me down more than I thought. I will say I am damn proud of myself for making it the full 4 weeks in between appointments, something that never happened with Jacob and something I didn't think could happen this time. I did wait 8 weeks to go to my first appointment which was pretty big too and I made it another 4! I think part of me was too scared to go in and hear bad news and I wanted to delay the possibility but the time has come. It is the day.
We will walk into the hospital not knowing what the outcome will be. That's the part that scares me the most, being unprepared. I was able to sleep last night and actually had a decent night's sleep. It seems no matter the amount of stress I am under (and a huge issues was added yesterday which I was more nervous about then the baby) I always seem to sleep well. My body just gets so tired that come bed time it knows to sleep. I never really had sleep issues with either of the boys,perhaps a few times after they both passed away but for the most part sleep has always been my friend and I am glad because lord knows I needed my sleep for today.
I know the reality of the situation, I know going in we can hear bad news, something is seriously wrong with the baby. The last two nights I have had bad dreams. Both times we had a little boy and the first time he ended up dying and the second time he was kidnapped and we thought he had died and didn't find out until 3 years later that he never died he was kidnapped. Those kinds of dreams certainly do not help (especially with the gender issue, which I will post about in a few days)
I'm scared but I have no other choice then to face my fear and I have a feeling even once we find out I still won't feel more relaxed. I never will, I will never get to a point where I feel "safe" and I just pray that for today, if we hear good news for this afternoon I want to bask in the glory of a healthy baby before I start worrying about the 9 million other things that can go wrong. To start, we need to see kidneys and we will go from there, so off we go....update when we get back....
My Thought from God for the day: that your prayers are being answered. Prayers are not like shopping lists with items that can be ticked off. If you remember that a prayer is a conversation with God, you will see God respond every day.
I hope so....I hope they are being answered...
So the appointment. I'll start by saying there weren't any tears, I held strong! I'll admit I am a bit disappointed with the appointment. It did not go how I thought it would but then I really didn't know what to expect, I was just hoping more I guess. We got in right away (we actually got there early so we ate breakfast in the cafeteria) but once we registered we got in. To say I was nervous is an understatement. My resting pulse was 170.
Our social worker came by just before we got our scan so it was nice to have here there (it may have been needed) this is what the doctor said.....there is a "normal" amount of fluid right now and we most certainly saw a bladder but we did not see kidneys or a stomach (BUT that doesn't mean anything) He said it was too early to make the call plus 1. The ultrasound machine (portable one) was crap so it did not give a good picture and little miss (or mr.) was no cooperative and was curled in a tight ball facing inwards so seeing things was nearly impossible. He did not say for sure we were safe nor did he say there were problems so all in all, we know nothing more today then we have up to this point. It will all come down to the ultrasound on the 29th so YAH...I get to freak out for two more weeks...awesome! And you know I will be very anxious yet again.
I hope by that time (I'll have to talk to bee) that she has moved into a great viewing position because I fully expect to see her beautiful kidneys and get a picture to frame of them! Maybe we may even get a pick if it's a little miss or mr. I think that will be very emotional for me if we find out. Hearing that the baby is healthy and what it is I'm sure will cue the tears, though I thought there would be a lot today but I think it's because we didn't really get any news today and I'm more disappointed then anything. Sorry I don't have much to report and no pictures as the ultrasound printer was broken :0( I most certainly left today feeling unsatisfied and with a sore arm. I actually got really nervous going to get my blood done today because another rainbow pregnancy mom I know went in to get hers done a few days ago and left with a huge bruise, I mean the thing was nasty and she said it was an older women who did it. So I walk in today and guess who is at the counter, the older woman, I was like CRAP this is going to hurt and though I don't have a glorious bruise my arm is in a lot of pain.
I went to work afterwords and today seemed to take forever to pass by even though it was a half day for me. I guess it is Tuesday afterall.
So yeah, I'm feeling pretty bummed about the lack of information we got today and anxious about the next two weeks. We will surely know by then (if Bee cooperates which she better) there's nothing I can do but keep praying and my message from God today was that my prayers are being answered so I hope that message is true! I'm going to go sulk in the corner now. Please August 29th, get here soon! My heart cannot take much more of this, I need some reassurance.
15 weeks 2 days: Two more days...just two more days and the anxiety has gotten the best of me. I am so fearful, so afraid, so scared. I don't give a shit about anything else right now and petty little things are pointless. Some people will never clue in, some people only care about small stupid shit when all I care about is Tuesday. That is all I am focused on, it's all that is on my mind and it is all that I am currently living for. I really wish I only had to worry about stupid little things that are meaningless I really do but reality is I can't. I have much more larger things that are on my mind. Much more important things going on in my life. Unless you have been in my shoes you won't get it. You don't know how it feels, how it makes everything so much harder when you are facing a life or death situation (which we have already been through once with Jacob) to not know the fate of this baby is so hard for me to live with.
I want Bee to be okay, Bee HAS to be okay. I'm not strong enough to face anything but her/him arriving safely, living, breathing and healthy. My heart can't handle much more. To be honest, I'm not even ready to hear that Bee is healthy. I get scared to think about that. It doesn't terrify me nearly as much as hearing there are issues yet again. I have held on this long and today was the pushing point. Not even going to church provided some relief. It usually does, I usually feel calmer once I leave church but not today. I am scared to face the unknown and everything right now seems so much harder because of this one big thing. Our big appointment (though most appointments are big for us because we know at any point the baby could already be dead) Dealing with constant fear of the unknown and trying to stay calm is not really possibly. Those two do not coincide with a rainbow pregnancy. I wish with all my heart I could feel Bee kick and be sure it was her. I doubt my body and mind so much after having both Ty and Jacob die. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.
I doubt that the "kicks" I thought were kicks, I now wonder if it were just muscles pulling from growing. To carry the miracle blessing of life inside me but to not have any clue as to if this really will be our miracle is hard to live with. Of course we decided we'd like to try once more or I wouldn't be in this situation. We both knew the reward outweighed the risk but we knew it would not be easy and it has been anything but.
Today I feel so incredibly sick to my stomach, I have been dizzy and weak and boiling with fear. The reality of the situation cannot be distracted today. I can only pray I make it through tomorrow at work without completely falling apart and turning into a huge train wreck of a mess. I can only pray I am able to get some sleep as I will need it. I pray come Tuesday we hear nothing but good news and for a small second that gives me some reassurance, some joy some excitement. I'm always so nervous leading up to ultrasounds and then for that one day, even if only for a few hours I feel better but most of the times, afterwords, I get even more anxious for the next ultrasound. I will never have a safe point during this pregnancy, as each week passes, if we are so blessed to continue on, I will get more scared, more anxious, more fearful and I can only hope that I start to feel some excitement and happiness at some point. I want to be like the lady who had a few losses but with each pregnancy she accepted she had no control over it, she was peaceful calm and happy and in love with her baby. I want to feel that, I need to feel that. I want nothing more then to look down at my belly and be in love but the fear is so overwhelming it hinders other feelings and emotions. I am working so hard at trying to feel something, even if I have to fake it to make myself think it's happening. I smile when I take pictures because thats what you do but I can see it in my own eyes, the fear that is there over everything else.
I am so thankful I am seeing the social worker on Tuesday, I think for my sanity I need to see her more often. I can't do this alone. It's not that Stephen isn't supportive, he is very much so and he is a HUGE blessing in my life but reality is, he's a guy and he has a lot more faith then me and he doesn't get how it physically takes a toll on a woman's body and all the extra emotions because of the anxiety and the damn hormones. It's these damn hormones. It's so hard for me to remain positive after all we have been through, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see it and I don't know if I ever will until it knocks me in the face and I give birth to a screaming, living, healthy, breathing baby. I constantly have my sunglasses on which prohibits me from seeing the light. Thanks to the hormones I can surely feel the light as I feel like I'm in an inferno. It's hard to go through a rainbow pregnancy especially when we know so many things can go wrong. Both our boys had a few issues, some are preventable with the right care but some are not. We don't just have to worry about one little thing gone wrong (though that's the case for most baby losses, there's usually more then one thing) All we have time to focus on right now is this baby and if you have other things, much smaller things that don't mean anything, keep them to yourself. I'm glad some people who read this never have and never will have to know what it is like to have a child die, to have to bury a child before you even got any time to spend with them but for those who never have or never will be in our shoes, understand we don't have much room for stupid little things and be careful what you say or do.
I am incredibly blessed to have supportive people in my life, people who get it and honestly, they're the only people I will make room for in my life. I don't have the time to deal with petty little things, or people who show no support for us for what we have been through or for what we continue to go through. People who only think about themselves have no room in my life. I have to two days before an incredibly tough day in my life where we may yet again face hearing another child of ours will die. Unless you have been there you do not or you cannot even fathom the emotions and feelings that go into such a critical appointment. The fear, the anxiety, the terror, the feeling so incredibly helpless and scared....yet there is nothing but going to face that fear and hearing goods news that will calm down the anxiety. But that doesn't mean just because you don't understand that its an excuse to be a huge douche canoe (a word someone on my rainbow pregnancy group used) all the time. Whether or not people understand it, there are still many ways to be supportive.
Today has been the hardest day in this pregnancy so far. Today is one of those days I have huge doubt, I wouldn't say regret for getting pregnant again, I'd never have that, I love being pregnant, sick and all because I know what the possibility of it means, even if I haven't got there yet. But I wonder and think, what did I get myself into? I've been through a rainbow pregnancy and that was tough as much as a roller-coaster. I know at some point I felt the strength, hope and faith to try again, I just wish it would come back. Especially today!
This was taken yesterday and don't let the smile fool you, I was a nervous wreck! But it is one picture I actually like. One picture that actually looks like I am enjoying this journey of a rainbow pregnancy. If anything my brown top with my brown boots match and my yellow purse compliments it all. I look "normal" I look like a "normal" pregnant women, so oblivious to all that can go wrong, so in love with myself and this baby, sure it actually really does look like that even if it's all a facade. For a brief moment, perhaps it even caught a genuine smile for a split second. They happen very rarely and are often not caught on camera but just maybe, this is one of the true treasures.
Today marks 15 weeks. 2 lbs gained so far, morning sickness still in full swing, gagging still making me gag...body has not adjusted and I have not yet had a surge of energy, given I can keep my eyes open for more then 5 minutes. Emotions are at an all time high. Cried on the way to work thinking about Tuesday. Terrified, scared, anxious....a tad excited but all the other overwhelming emotions play a bigger part. Debating how to keep myself distracted these next few days. Praying Bee gives me a HUGE kick to reassure me because lately I don't know if I feel her. I'm doubting what I feel now but maybe it's my mind playing games to try and trick my heart into thinking it's going to happen again. So much will take place next Tuesday, good or bad. I'm not ready for it. I wish I could just wake up 21 weeks from now with my living breathing healthy bundle of joy in my arms. Why must I suffer through the anxiety of another pregnancy? I know the reward is worth the risk, it's one reason we tried again but I just wish it was easier.
I am really thankful to have the new job which has distracted my mind most days from 8-5 and by the time I get home I only have time to eat, pack for the next day, get ready for bed and go to sleep and I'm so blessed that sleeping hasn't been a huge issue for me. Even after our losses and through all pregnancies...I've still been able to get decent sleep in for the most part. I'm just so exhausted it comes so easily. I'm beyond exhausted tonight, I'm ready for bed now but I must wait until 9 or I'll be up at 5am! Debating whether or not to join the hubby on a road trip tomorrow, we'll see how I feel in the morning Perhaps (and I hope it is a rainy day) spending the day in bed with the boys and bee is what I really need. Plug in the computer, watch netlifx, maybe knit a little since I am severely lacking on Bees blanket lately. I just find knitting takes so long I much rather just sew (which I did finish the blanket I sewed for her/him) My mom is going to knit a rainbow blanket for Bee anyways so I figure I'll be okay.
I'd type more but it is Friday night and that means this mama is pooped! I need to go lay down and rest a bit...perhaps fall into a deep coma for the next few days...
14 weeks 5 days:There are some things I have that I got or was given for the boys that I just do not think I can bring myself to use, ever. The diaper bag being one of those. It's such a small thing, I get the clothes and all but it makes me wonder why I have such a dread using the diaper bags we have. Given the one we did pack for Ty for the hospital so I'm sure that's what it explains that but the other one, I just don't know. There is a diaper bag I absolutely LOVE, I've loved it since we lost Ty. Its at Kohls, the line is called Jessica and the bag has butterflies all over it. I'm so drawn to butterflies as they are a symbol of those gone too soon and it really makes me feel like my boys are present when I have things that remind me of them and perhaps that is why I am so drawn to this bag. The only downside, and for those who are mamas, you know how much diaper bags can cost!
I did add it to my list of wants as I didn't feel it belong on the list of needs (which we still have a few since we didn't get everything with the boys) A lot of women in the rainbow pregnancy groups I am in are having baby showers. I just don't feel that is right for me. I think I rather do a meet and greet after the baby is here and when cold and flu season has passed. I also do not want to get anything before baby is here (with the exception of the Snuza monitor and possibly a diaper bag) the rest can wait until we know if this baby will live. I'd like to think we will need it and have to use it but reality has shown me twice now that it isn't always the case.
It's just one of those rainbow pregnancy things that gets to me. It's kind of like how everyone assumes this is a normal pregnancy, that I should be doing certain things, or that I should get a Doula to help with a natural birth. Let me clarify, a rainbow pregnancy and a second one at that is ANYTHING but normal. What you think pregnancy should be like is no where near what a rainbow pregnancy is actually like. To be honest I could give 10 shits about having an easy, natural deliver. If I have to be drugged up, knocked our and torn open to get that baby out safely I don't care. All I care about is making sure the baby makes it here alive, breathing and healthy and if that means drastic measure then so be it. The way things have went in the past we're leaning towards another c-section (mainly because of my bi-cornate uterus) I go to the doctors every two weeks and it will be every one soon enough. I get ultrasounds every time I go to check on the babies progress. I get to spend a few weeks in the hospital at the end again. Yes we will do mat shots, no we aren't preparing much (we will get the car seat officially installed) but that's it. This is not a normal pregnancy and it angers me that people thing it should be all laddy daw, so peaceful and graceful. This is a rainbow pregnancy after two full term losses, it is filled with fear, anxiety, terror and a tad bit of excitement but it is so different than what everyone seems to think. Every pregnancy is different and rainbow pregnancies bring that "difference" to a whole new level.
So please understand that women who are going through rainbow pregnancies do not follow along with the "normal" pregnancies and everything they entitle. We are a different breed and so are our pregnancies. We do not need advice as we have been there before and our situations are much different. Most of us fully rely on God and our doctors to get us through. I choose to fully rely on those two and no one else. If anyone is going to see that this baby gets here safely it is my high risk OB who we 100% trust. He is an amazing man, incredibly brilliant, compassionate, caring, kind, he knows his shit like no one else, he listens to us, takes our concerns very seriously, does what he can to help ease our anxiety, pays close attention to our baby and knows when the time will be for this baby to make its entrance, hopefully alive. Our trust is in him and God, I don't need any of the other "normal" pregnancy crap that everyone seems to think every pregnant lady needs. Rainbow pregnancies require a much higher level of care and many more decisions (some tough) than normal pregnancies. The situations we face are different, the visits are different, the decisions are different, emotions are different, timing is different...everything is different. People cannot compare a rainbow pregnancy to a "normal" pregnancy because the differences are too immense.
And to end that little rant, I feel like buying a diaper bag now! But only because I want to, not because it's what you do to prepare for a normal pregnancy.
14 weeks 6 days: I cannot get enough pasta! I am addicted to it now. I couldn't eat it at first as it made me sick but now...mm....but it has to be small shells with Ragu original pasta sauce flavoured with meat. That's the only way I will eat it and eat it I have! I've had it for lunch/dinner almost every day for the past week. I was busy at work today so I didn't have too much time to think about things but I do realize tomorrow is Friday and I knew this week would speed by and Tuesday will be here before I know it. Why does time pass so quickly when it comes to something I am so scared to face? We went to Bereaved Families last night for a monthly meeting and I am glad we did. I needed a good cry. I also cried a bit today at work, they are really going to start to wonder. Thankfully I was also sneezing like crazy so I just blamed it on that (or that was my plan, no one came by me) but I was sitting there this morning and it was semi quiet as it usually is and all I could hear was a noise that sounded like a babys heartbeat on ultrasound so of course that set me off thinking about the boys and I started to cry. It eventually went away thankfully. I really don't know how I will make it through Monday, at least I have a lot to keep me busy.
I'm just not ready, I'm not ready for either answer I'm scared to hear the baby is healthy, I'm scared to hear the baby isn't healthy. All I could think about today was that this baby HAS to make it, Bee just has to. I can't handle another loss, I don't want that. I don't want to be that lady who lost three babies. Bee has got to make it that is all that there is too it. I'm so scared for what will happen the next 21 weeks. I'm scared of so many things yet I know I have to keep going. I've finished my pasta and now will do some household chores to help keep my mind busy because I cannot let it wander. It takes me to scary places and I'm already scared as it is......only 5 more days.
14 weeks 4 days: As I sit here writing this I can only imagine what this blog will read in one week. Will it be another crashing down moment in our life or will it be full of joy and excitment, if only temporarily, at least for the day. I have no idea what one week will bring. I am not prepared for either outcome. I'm an emotional mess, I refuse to let myself think about it because the anxiety and fear is horrendous. If I think about it I cry and get sick to my stomach. When I do think about it despite all other possible distractions I wonder how the day will play out. I probably should eat breakfast, even if only light, I need something in my stomach, even if I do throw it back up. I wonder when the tears will start? The minute I wake up, in the car or at the hospital? Will I throw up because I am so incredibly nervous? How will I handle the news? I'm going to make Stephen look first, after the doctor tells me if there is a hearbeat and I do fully expect at that time (just writing about it is making me cry) that the tears will come, happy or sad they will be out in full force. The next few days are going to be tough, emotionally, physcially, spiritually and mentally. I am thanfkul that I have had nothing but good dreams in regards to the baby's kidneys but that does not mean everything is okay. There is nothing that will make me feel better until I have proof that this baby is healthy, kidneys and all. I did not know when I originally booked this appointment that in addition to seeing the fluid levels you can see the kidneys. I should have booked the whole day off. I guess if I can't handle it I can call and say I won't be able to make it in.
One week seems like such a minimal time but then I remember it has already been 3 weeks and I will make it to my goal of not going to the doctors for an unscheduled panic attack. That I am proud of but honestly, I think I didn't go because I am so scared to know what is going on. I do not feel I am ready at all for either outcome. How am I going to manage? I am so incredibly blessed to have an amazing man by my side to get me through. I have no doubt through all the tears he will still manage to make me laugh, one of his best qualities. He is the light in my dark moments. He will be shinning light next Tuesday and even though he may be nervous he will still be strong and positive. We have prayed every day for this baby and the prayers will only increase over the next week as August 14th approaches. I can't plan how I will react in either situation, it will happen when it happens and that scares me, so much scares me. Everything about one week from Today scares me.How do I stay afloat?
I feel even more guilty that Jacob's one year is coming up and I have not even thought about what to do. For Ty's one year we kept it simple, bought him a present and a card, made him a cake and brought him balloons. Maybe low key and simple with just the two of us will be the best idea in amongst the craziness of this pregnancy. I guess a large part of it will depend on what happens next week...next week. I still can't believe it is only a week away. My heart is not ready!
14 weeks 3 days: Today is a great day! My husband found out he does not have to travel today which means I get more hubby time which means for today I can stay level headed. I had another baby dream last night, healthy baby but this time it was a boy. You know we don't really care what we have as long as baby is healthy but if it is a boy we need to do some serious name searching. We have a list for girls, our top 5 picks with two very good candidates. But, when it comes to boy names, we are clueless. There is nothing jumping out at us, God has not come to me in a dream like he did with a girl name, perhaps it's because this baby is a girl and I don't need to think of a boys name. Either way, whether we choose to find out or not, we need to start getting ideas for a boys name so here is an opportunity for you. Send us some suggestions, just post a comment on this blog. Here is what we are looking for:
1. Biblical Name
2. Something a bit unique but not too crazy
3. It would be nice if it could work with the nickname Bee (possibly a B name but doesn't have to be, I mean a nickname is a nickname afterall)
4. It cannot be Benjamin, Colin, Noah, Samuel, Isaiah and Ezekiel, those were considered with the boys and will not be considered again or we just aren't sold on them
5. Something that works well with the middle name Tiberius Jacob, that will be the tricky part
P.S. Remember, I like different name so if it's not necessarily a name in the bible but has biblical meaning those can count as well. Though, and forgive my pregnancy brain, if they have biblical meaning they probably are in the bible now that I think of it...
14 weeks 2 days: Stephen now has an iphone for work so we stopped his service on our end. That means we had an extra iphone just laying around and since my phone never works (it's a pos) I decided to bite the bullet and use his iphone. It has taken me a long time to get use to the idea. I just like my phone to call and text people I don't need any fancy stuff but since I don't want to pay for another crappy phone I am taking the next step and using an iphone. I was playing around with it last night and decided to upload some pregnancy trackers. One of them was What to Expect When Your Expecting. I went to sign in and it said I already had a name so I put what I thought I would have used as my email and password and it was right....then it brought me to the page of dread. Right on top in big words it said Due Date: November 3rd, 2012. My Ty baby....I signed up with my Ty baby and Stephen put this on his phone when we had Ty. It made me cry....I never made it to that date. He passed away 3 weeks before that date. It's the little things that surprise you, that come out of no where and knock you down. I haven't been able to stop the tears since. Then I was reading a message from his mom from when Jacob was in the hospital saying how he was doing and even more tears....I miss my boys so much and this baby will never change that. This baby is it's own individual baby and will never be Ty or Jacob. It just breaks my heart to think of all I have missed with them and to know I may not even get that far with this one. The anxiety has been horrible the last few days and I find it is getting worse as the days go on. I have no idea if Bee is even still alive, I'm scared to go in and find out it doesnt matter if Bee has kidneys because there is no heartbeat. It won't matter. I had such a good day yesterday, I was very productive and even got some things for Bee and then 7:15om came along and BAM, I was knocked down. I was stripped of every single emotion I had left in me. I'm scared. I'm heartbroken but I know I have to keep living on, I have to for all my family. I have to make sure I am not too stressed for Bee's sake and I can only eat so many cookies.
We ended up getting out to Ribfest today. We were suppose to meet up with a friend but final plans were never made as to a place and time to meet and I guess we just missed each other (for those who don't know, London is a big town and Victoria park filled with people enjoying Ribfest makes it impossible to find people when you don't know they are there). It was an enjoyable afternoon though. The weather was perfect. We didn't stay long as I was just too emotional for some reason. But we did enjoy some yummy ribs and then made our way home. We are heading out for a short walk in a bit as we both need to get out of the house and spend some more time together. Since last Monday I have only seen my husband once, that was today! He is also off again for a few days tomorrow so I need all the hubby time I can get. Here are some recent pics for you to enjoy.
14 weeks 1 day: Today is a good blog day. Though my husband had to go up to Barrie to work again Bee and I decided we are going to bake up a storm this afternoon. I'm craving sweets, mostly chocolate, Bee has got to be a girl! Anyways, I woke up this morning crying. It's never happened before but the dream I had was just that awesome and I love that I remember the awesome good dreams. They were happy tears I should add. I of course only dream about things that could really happen (well the ones I remember at least) Last night I dreamed that we went to the hospital for our 15.4 week checkup (which is on August 14th) Our high risk OB is at the hospital, actually all OB's are so its normal to be at the hospital. We went in for our ultrasound but instead our doctor came in and told us they have this new latest technology where they x-ray the baby because they can see the baby so much better (kind of like when I had my MRI with Jacob, of which I still want some of the pictures) So they place one of those big protecty thingies on me and snapped away. It only took a few seconds and then they brought Stephen in. There were about a gazillion med students in there with us but I didn't care. It only took a few seconds for the pictures to show up on the computer, to which they e-mailed them right to Stephens phone (that would be SO awesome) anyways, I refused to look at the pictures until Stephen and the doctor did (much like I intend on not looking at the ultrasound on the 14th until everyone else has looked) and as soon as I saw the picture I started to cry, there was fluid and lots of it! Not only that there was a picture the doctor had taken showing two kidneys. I balled, much like I expect I really will if we do see kidneys. Who am I kidding, I'm going to be balling either way. Note to self: no mascara that day!
Anyways, I woke up elated at such good news and I said a quick prayer that this news really does come true. I told God I took that as his promise to me that there will be good news on the 14th and nothing but good news through out this pregnancy until Bee arrives safely in our arms, living, breathing and healthy. She has to, that's all there is too it! Or he, I need to start throwing in some He's so he doesn't grow up with a complex. Which reminds me, in the dream we knew what we were having but Stephen wouldn't tell me, instead he went and bought a drink the colour of the baby....it was pink. That is the third dream I have had that it has been a girl. Either it is a girl or it will be one very feminine boy! I may not allow myself to sit and dream of this baby but at least I can do it in my dreams (I have no control over that) I do choose to see these dreams as messages from God and promises from him and I know he keeps his promises so here's to hoping. I can't bring myself to do it but he can. I'll leave it at that since this is a good blog and save the anxiety for another day (not to say I'm not anxious today lol....I'm anxious everyday and getting even more so as the 14th approaches)
Oh and as if today couldn't get any better, I scored some awesome deals at Bonnie Togs and treated myself to making some "Everything but the kitchen sink" cookies which I am indulging n as I write! Now if the hubby could get home it would be perfect!
We have officially made it to 14 weeks (as far as I know) I know I felt Bee earlier so that is a good sign...or it's just my crazy mind playing tricks on me like it did with Ty. Either way, something kicked me early. I don't think organs have the capacity to move around and kick me like a baby does. It made me get teary eyed. When I know it is Bee it makes me cry. The more kicks in the next two weeks the more reassured I will be at the next appointment......pfft who am I kidding, I'll still be a nervous wreck.
I have been in a lot of pain today. My lower back has been killing me. I don't know if its from sitting at work, home or sleeping or just my usual pregnancy pain. I don't really care what it is and it can stay as long as Bee is safe. I don't care how sick I become or how many headaches I get, as long as Bee is okay. I just want and NEED Bee to be okay. I also want and NEED a massage! My husband is still away working, my mom is gone and it's too hot for me to do anything so that leaves me to sitting at home and pondering how many things can go wrong with Bee. I start to cry when I think about our next appointment, how scared I am to face it, how much I pray to hear good news but know in my heart that it may not be the case.
Rainbow pregnancies are tough! No one ever said they were easy because they aren't. For me I have no safe point. I will never reach a level of decreased anxiety, it just gets worse as time goes on. Even after our 18 week ultrasound when we find out if baby is healthy, I lost Ty at 37 weeks, I never get a safe point, all I know is this baby will be here before January 10th, 2013 (37 weeks) I guess with the supposed "end of the world" on December 21st I don't have to really worry. But I do, I am so good at worrying. If worrying was an Olympic sport I'd sweep the category with winning gold.
This is me at 14 weeks. I am now officially at the biggest I was with Ty and 5 months with Jacob. Scared to know how much more this belly will grow! I feel like 14 weeks is an accomplishment, much more then 13. I find the even numbered weeks are. However, that means 1 1/2 more weeks until our next ultrasound and the anxiety is already starting to kill me. I've also been able to successfully eat pasta the last two nights (which I have been craving) and I'm glad it's not making me sick like it did in the first few weeks. Going to rest tonight as much as I can after a long exhausting week but next week is only a 4 day work week so it'll fly by just in time for me to have a mental breakdown before the 14th. Just breathing is not cutting it anymore. I need answers! My heart needs to know as does my mind. This waiting in anticipation is really getting to me. Perhaps tonight would be a good night to work on some things for Bee to get my spirits going......sigh.....the life of a rainbow pregnancy.
13 weeks 6 days (or 14 according to the Dr): Today I stepped on the scale and was elated to see I had gained some weight.....can you all guess how much I have gained? The pictures from yesterday do not match up with the weight gain....a total whopping 2lbs!!!! WHOOOOOO. I know by looking at the pictures it looks like I have gained a bit more weight but alas, I have not. I hope it steadily goes up from here on out. The good thing is that means I am only gaining baby weight and not extra fat like I did with Jacob. With Ty I was all baby and it started off losing weight first because I was so sick then gaining slowly but he was complete baby fat. With Jacob I started to gain quickly and throughout the entire pregnancy but his weight gain was a lot more fat then it was baby. I do find it weird though that I gained 30lbs exactly with each boy so that's what I am expecting this time around. But, I hope to keep it like Ty and make sure it is all baby weight and no fat. It makes it that much easier to lose and then I won't get quadruple chins.
Now onto the anxiety. I don't know what made me think of this but this morning i had a mini panic attack. For some reason I just realized that in less then two weeks we will be at our next appointment. The fear is now starting to set in. My high risk OB was pretty sure we'd know about the kidneys then and I was thinking about it today so I googled it. By week 14-15 you can see kidneys, as well as a stomach and bladder (good inidications) and the fluid level should be normal. I thought it would be a bit too early but I was wrong. In less then two weeks we will know Bee's fate...at least her kidney fate and that has set a huge amount of anxiety on my heart. Why did I not take the whole day off? I'm going to be an emotional basketcase one way or another and look like a disaster by the time I show up for work. Thank GOD I scheduled a counseling session for right after so I can hopefully get all my emotions out before hand.
I don't have a lot of work to keep my mind busy today so I have been sitting here thinking about everything. Thinking about how in two weeks we may walk in and learn Bee is incompatible with life and honestly, I don't think I could go through that again (but that's what I thought with Jacob and we managed too) It scares me to the core to know this could happen again. It is something I nor any doctor have any control over and that frightens me. I'm really starting to get anxious and nervous. I'm so glad they moved it a day up. I just can't stop thinking about the impending doom that the next appointment may bring. Of course it could turn out well too but my mind barely goes there. Its so hard to face something so terrifying but knowing that you have to do it and have no other choice and you have no idea or any indication at this point as to which way it will go. I don't like the unknowns, I want to know my baby Bee is healthy and that she will live. I can't take burying a 3rd child (I know people have doen it but man....two was tough as it was)
Thankfully we still have a lot to keep us busy the next little while but still, when I get lull moments like this at work, I freak out, I sit and think about going in and not seeing the kidneys or fluid or stomach or bladder and I fear the phone call I will have to make to my office saying I won't be in that afternoon. And then theres the how do we go on to come afterwords. I wish my mind could look at the bright side, the side that Jacob was truly a complete medical mystery and showed no signs of being gentic so it shouldn't happen again, but I can't go there. My heart won't let me. Up until this point in my pregnancy with Jacob I was fine as far as I knew. I felt the same, there is no indication anything is better, just a whole lotta fear! Today the anxiety hit. It's not the anxiety of fearing this baby has died and that I need to go in, no it's the fear that when I go in in two weeks...something then will be wrong. Of course I have no idea if Bee is still alive and that does worry me as her kicks are not often and I can't have that reassurance...but its the fear of August 14th that has me by the heart now.....
13 weeks 5 days: Guess what???? I ate chicken today!!!!! Whooot....baby steps people, baby steps. I had to go out to get a usb card reader for my lap top and ever since Stephen said they ate at Swiss Chalet two days ago I have had a hankering for it. I have yet to eat chicken this pregnancy, it grosses me out! But tonight I decided to go for it and it went well. I actually at a bit at dinner and minus a little upset tummy I feel pretty good. The service was horrible, as it always is at this particular Swiss Chalet and this particular waitress....she really is not good. Every time we go to eat there and we get her, it's always over an hour wait before any food or drinks come usually. Thankfully I ordered a In other news, I got a usb card reader so as promised here as some of the missing pictures and I swear there is only one in there!