I started seeing a new counselor today. I think it is a great fit. I think this will work. I knew I had to go outside of the hospital and benefits. I know I will have to pay but she is amazing and has a sliding scale so even though we can't really afford it, we can. The hardest part about all of this is that there is help for me, natural no medicated help that will work wonders, but we have to pay for it all. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to get the help I need and will pay for it, but it's hard. I feel our provincial coverage should cover more natural approaches. I do not like that all they want to do is shove chemicals down my throat. Chemicals that even my psychiatrist said do not fix problems, just hinder them and I think a huge problem with our mental health support lies behind that. I know some people do truly have chemical imbalances in their brains, I don't deny that one bit, but I think for a lot of other people it's more self thought.
In my case it is self thought. I have had two tragic events in my life and trying to work my way through them is hard. I have not had the proper support medical wise which has made things spiral downhill even more over the last 3 years. I know this, I am aware of it and it's only by my own doing that I am seeking out the help I know I need. Even if it comes with a cost. I simply cannot live my life where I am today.
My counselor, whom we shall call J, said my homework for the next week was to think about where I want my life to be in the future. However, I even told her this, for me to think about the future is a struggle. I know nothing is guaranteed so to have hopes and dreams for the future, or even goals is very difficult. We once had hopes and dreams and they were shattered. Sure, we could try to build them again but over the last 3 years we have struggled and continued to struggle due to the sacrifices we make for our family. Family will always come first even if it means we don't meet our goals. The other issue is that I am having such a hard time letting go of what our past hopes and dreams were. Given, some are the same, like being in our own place (and at this point, we know we'll probably have to continue to rent but I'd like a backyard for Phoebe to play in, I'd like to have space for a vegetable garden, I'd like to have a nice tree to hang a swing on, I'd like some more space so we can welcome fosters (people and animals varieties) into our house, I'd like to have a proper guest room and space for my parents) that will never change, that will always be a goal of ours and though we may never make it there, it's top of the list.
But to think beyond being in our own house as a family is hard. It's also hard because I don't know what I want anymore in life. I know I want a big family but that's it. I don't know what my hobbies and interests are anymore, I'm still figuring that out. So for me to think about the future is very difficult. It scares me to do it. I know what I may want probably will never happen or heaven forbid, someone else important in my life dies. I don't want to plan for the future because I am scared of it. I know nothing is guaranteed, which is why one of my new motto's is to live for the present not the future. Make's it hard to have hopes and dreams but it's reality for us.
Even writing blogs these days is hard. I have about 15 written blogs that I have not published, from things like being a mama bear to the lady who told me newborns are more important than my daughter, no way did you go there.....to things like what I've been up to (sewing, cooking, cleaning, getting rid of the boys things) and even how Bee is doing (about to crawl any day now, fiery little personality, totally a mini me in every sense) Or even my new blog site (which is taking up the little time I do have) I write them, can't find the time to finish them and then don't post them.
I will give it my honest best shot to think about how we see ourselves in a few years but it's tough. I have to let go of what I thought it would be like and envision more realistic outcomes, including always grieving the boys and how that may look in our life. I will try to think of some things that we hope for but at the moment, the only thing is getting into a place of our own. That is number 1. It always has been and always will be until it happens. Beyond that, I don't know. We are not materialistic people (the only reason we want a house of our own is for the reasons above, we don't need anything fancy, we can make it feel like a home and put work into it) so as far as cars, or schools for our kids, whatever, that stuff doesn't matter to us. All that matters and all that I care about is being together, under our own roof, living the simple life that we want. How we will get there I have absolutely no idea, I still believe in miracles, I see one everyday so maybe in time some more miracles will come our way. I've learned there are still a lot of generous people in the world.
So how do I envision the future? Where do I see us? Together. Together in our own place. That is truly all that matters right now. Beyond that, we'll take whatever comes our way. We're simple folk, we don't ask for much and perhaps because of this we will get there one day. Maybe we will make it afterall.
This is a sweater that hangs in my closet. I've owned it for at least 7 years. You know how many times I have worn it? Zero. Yet, there it hangs and somehow after every closet clean out, it still hangs there. I have never worn it, I have no intentions of wearing it yet I can't part with it for some odd reason. It's a pretty sweater, it's cashmere so it's soft. I don't know why I can't get rid of it. I don't know what ties me to that sweater.
Perhaps it's a symbol of what I was, where I thought I would be. I always imagined I'd be in the administrative sector of business at some company. I thought I'd excel so much that I'd work my way up and become a CEO or at least the manager of a department. Even while pregnant with Ty, the thought of being a stay at home mom never crossed my mind. I could never imagine staying home with my kids, I wanted to excel in my career, be something, make something of myself and leave a legacy. But that's all changed. It all changed because Ty died. It all change because Jacob died and even more so, it's changed now because Bee is here, alive and healthy.
The thought of returning to work is now not even crossing my mind., It's funny how things can change a person so drastically. The sweater symbolizes what I was and what I wanted but for the old me, not the new me. The new me will never wear the sweater because the new me will most likely never be back in the administrative sector (not to say I won't return to work as I probably will at some point) but not to the meaningless jobs I was performing before. If I go back it's going to be worth while, it's going to be for a good cause, it's going to be because I love my job and what I do.
Maybe one of these days I will be able to part with this sweater that I feel so attached to for no apparent reason. But for now, it has survived another closet clean out.
When I signed up weeks ago to be a part of the Move More Mommy program, I had motivation to actually go and work out. It has since dissipated. When I signed up it was hot out, it was summer with the full humidity in tow. We had not been able to get out side in weeks because of the hot stickyness of summer. I thought signing up would be great, if anything it gave us a place to go walk around inside because we couldn't outside. However, mother nature has heard my request and made the weather absolutely gorgeous the past few weeks. It's the kind of weather I LOVE! The kind of weather that motivates me to get outside and go for a walk with Bee. The kind of weather that makes me not want to go to an exercise class indoors when nature is so much better!
I think too, part of it is my aversion to the Starbucks moms as well. You know, those moms who look like they have it all together (which they probably don't, they just hide it well) who act like they have it all together? Them, they bug me. I like to avoid them. Last week I was in class a bit before the start time and was listening to some of them talk about their mornings. One of them said her morning was hell, they had run out of cheerios and it was chaos in her house. She said it was hell, hell to run out of cheerios. I really wanted to say, you think running out of cheerios is hell? You have it made, your life is awesome because my mornings are hell. Every day before my feet hit the floor I realize I'm stuck in this shit life I was dealt. I realize that no, Ty and Jacob dying was not a dream it was a reality. You want to talk about a hell morning? Try waking up every morning and coming to the realization that it wasn't a dream, that in fact your first two little boys died and then tell me running out of cheerios is hell. It just irritates me that people are so dumb with what they say sometimes. I know it's because they are innocent and if I was them I'd probably say some of the same things, but I'm not, I never will be and to hear people say petty little things like that hurts. You really think running out of cheerios is the end of the world? Well, let me tell you how it really is.
You think handing your kids off for an hour is the best thing ever? Do you know how many women out there would give everything to even have a child, to hold them, to love them and to spend every minute with them? I HATE being away from Bee. Even on our hard days, I wouldn't trade it for an hour of "freedom" She is a blessing, a true miracle and I know there will come a time where she won't want to be around me or need me as much , so for now, yes being away for an hour kills me. I HATE doing it. I rather have her by my side at all times.
Another one of my excuses, exercise is boring! I will say, I do love Zumba and will get to a Zumba class this week as that is a workout I like and enjoy but these bootcamp style classes really aren't my thing. I think if I were having trouble losing the baby weight, I'd be more willing to push myself harder to see results, but truthfully, what I am doing at home is working. I am 7 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and I mean pre-pregnancy with Ty. I have lost all the weight I gained with Bee and Jacob and even one with Ty. If you care to know, that's 33 pounds, all by myself. All from eating right and getting out for a walk everyday so I really don't feel I need to push myself doing something I don't enjoy and being around people I rather not.
I know I can make every excuse in the book, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to be away from Bee and I don't have the energy to really push myself so I'm doing what works for me and it's working so on we go.
I've missed two classes and today I will miss my third. I just don't have it in me to go to a gym today when natures gym is calling my name. The good thing about this conundrum is that I'm still getting exercise regardless of what I choose, it's just as far as the program goes, I'm not the best participant. I will get to one class this week at some point, it's just not today. Today Bee and I are going to work out together in nature. We had a fantastic walk yesterday through the cemetery, one of the only places I can feel at peace. I think we may head back there today. Not only that, but I've never been one to sweat it out. In fact, getting sweaty makes me very uncomfortable. I don't like it so I avoid it as well.
Speaking of the cemetery, Ty and Jacob have a new friend. It always breaks my heart to see a new little one near them. I remember the first few days, the raw emotions, the shock of buying your child. I felt for those parents. I wish they were they so I could give them a big hug and say, I understand. I know they hurt, I know they feel lost and alone and I just want to cry for them.
Also, a lady stopped by when Bee and I were there yesterday and asked if Ty and Jacob were my children, I said yes and she said she walks by often and thinks about them and their parents and says a little prayer. I thought it was very sweet. I know people see the boys headstones and think of us, I've had people write me and tell me that. I never know who sees them or how it affects their life, but it's nice that other people think about our boys and us. I do the same everytime I walk through the cemetery and read all the names. So for today, I will skip class but get out in nature, spend time with my little lady and go respect those who have passed on.
For anyone who knows me, you know how much I HATE needles so when I willingly go to get stabbed with a bunch of needles, you can bet I mean business. This morning I went and had my first acupuncture treatment done. I must say, why have I not done this sooner? I LOVED it. I'm not kidding either. My lady said I could feel it right away or that it may take a few treatments. Well, little sensitive me felt it right away and I felt GREAT! I seriously felt so relaxed, like drunk happy relaxed. I smiled, I felt energetic, I didn't let petty little things bother me. Well, not all the little petty things. I just can't really explain the feeling it gave me. I felt almost euphoric. I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I was nervous about the whole experience because of my hatred for needles. She explained everything to me and I just went for it. I took some deep breaths in and out and just tried to relax. The needles going in didn't hurt at all. The only sensitive areas were my hands but other then that, it was great. It almost felt like they were draining out all the negativity in my body. It was truly great. I loved it so much.
The downside is, it's a bit pricier so if I choose not to return to work in January, we'll have to find something for me to do to pick up the costs. I simply can't stop these treatments. They are really helping and I need to continue them. I'm hoping with these treatments and some talk therapy I can kick this PTSD and GAD in the butt! Lord knows I am ready for it.
I think I especially needed it today because I've exposed myself to a ton of should be triggers and there not affecting me much. One of our friends is in the hospital, she lost her little girl at 26 weeks and was admitted yesterday at 30 weeks in labour. They were able to stop it but little man may be here sooner rather then later. Prayers for them would be appreciated. We'll just call him Turtle, which is his nickname.
Anyways, I took Bee up to the hospital yesterday and today, I didn't want her to be alone going through all of that, though things have settled down now. So, where do I begin. One, I was scared for my friend, my adrenaline was at an all time high because she was in labour and I knew it wasn't good. Then the IV's and all the shots, being in L and D and going down to a delivery room. The monitors, the smells, the hallways, the people, the nurses, the doctors, the hospital food. Everything about that place is my old life. I even saw one of Jacob's nurses, his most awesome nurse ever. And today, being down in antenatal where I spent so much time with Jacob and Bee. Seeing more nurses, hearing the sounds, looking out at the view I had for so many weeks. Going to the kitchen and getting water in those cups (which Bee finds hilarious, I'll have to try to get a video) Seeing the spiritual person who came to visit while I was pregnant with Bee. Everything about the last two days has been a reminder of those times.
However, it hasn't hit me too hard, though as I'm writing this is is starting to hit. It seems like such a distant memory and I mean, it really kind of is. It's been almost two years since Jacob was born and died, three for Ty. Not only that, but it's been 7 months since I gave birth to Bee. Perhaps it's because it feels different to be in there for someone else. I'm there now as a support person, to help my friend through this difficult time. It's not about me at all, but I know. I know and can offer suggestions on things because I've been there. I know to speak up for her if she's too afraid too, I was there, I know. It's not about me this time and though everything is a reminder of my life the past few years, it's not hitting me as hard as I thought it would. Perhaps it's because I am so focused on my friend and her little guy, perhaps it is from the euphoric acupuncture treatment this morning, whatever it is, I'm okay with it.
So here is to an amazing acupuncture treatment with many more to come. I hope they keep helping this much and I can stay off of meds.
Oh and little Miss turned 7 months yesterday (don't ask me how that is even possible)
Grief has been hitting me pretty hard lately. It seems everyday there is a reminder of what should have been. The weather has been gorgeous, it's my favorite kind of weather. The crisp air with a light breeze but sunny. It's the perfect weather. It's fall weather. Everyday I am outside in this beautiful weather I cry, I cry thinking about how the weather is because it reminds me of fall and how fall use to be my favorite season and it kind of still is, but it's so bittersweet. I can't be outside in this weather and not feel sad. I want to feel happy but it's hard because the sadness is there. The sadness is there because for the first time this fall we will celebrate. We will get to do all the things we've wanted to do so for long but it hurts because it shouldn't be the first time.
A friend of mine on facebook recently had a little boy, she named him Jacob. It hurts. It hurts because seeing the name Jacob hurts. Yes I know it is a very common name and yes I know I will see it everywhere but it still hurts. It hurts to see her status updates about snuggling with Jacob, about how he is the perfect little boy and don't get me wrong, she is completely entitled to it, as that's what all new moms do, but that does not lessen the hurt for me. I have to hide from it, I have to unfollow people who have what I don't have. It simply hurts to much to see it. I had a Jacob but I never got to write about how snugging him was, all I got to write was that he was born and died. I wrote about his funeral and burying him. I never got the snuggles or the perfection of a newborn. I never got that with my Jacob, my Jacob is dead. It hurts.
I see pictures on facebook of first time parents preparing for the arrival of their little ones. I see the innocence and bliss, the joy and happiness. It hurts. It hurts to see photos of car seats installed with captions that say "there will be babies in here soon" because all I want to say is "don't be too sure, babies die". Of course I'd never actually say that but it's what I think. I think it because three years ago I was that parent. We installed our car seat. We drove around for weeks with it installed so happy that soon enough our baby boy would be riding in it with us. But Ty died, we never had that living baby in the carseat. It would take 3 years and two deaths to have a baby in that car seat. The car seat almost expired before we got to use it. It hurts because I miss being innocent. I miss that blissfulness that non-baby loss parents have. It hurts because we installed a carseat twice and instead of riding home with our living children, we rode home with tears streaming down our face and empty hearts. Our children died and it hurts.
Everything hurts but I can't help looking into my little girls eyes and feel my heart swell with love. Swell with pride and beauty. Swell with hope and excitement. Swell with the greatest feeling ever. It doesn't take away the hurt, nothing ever will, but it sure makes life worth living.
Life has really sucked lately, I mean really sucked. I've come to the realization that medication will not fix what is wrong. No amount of medication can fix what is wrong, its not that kind of problem. I'm exhausted from it all, every inch of my body hurts, I feel sick to my stomach and I'm losing weight at a rather quick rate. I feel horribly guilty that I can't eat a lot because I'm sure it's affecting Bee but I just don't have it in me to want to eat much. Thankfully when I do eat all I really want are fruits and veggies (and fresh ones at that) so hopefully that is giving her what she needs.
Life just has really sucked lately. I'm really looking forward to our mini-vacation in two weeks. It's going to be a much needed break for all of us.
I was browsing Zulily today, it's a great site if you haven't checked it out. I have bought a few things from there before but due to a tight budget, I just "window" shop now. Anyways, one of the sites today has holiday stuff for Bee. Honestly, Stephen and I have not celebrated any holidays since Ty died. We just have not had the heart to do it but this year, we'll have too. Not that we don't want to, but all holidays are emotionally exhausting. Its a constant reminder of what should be. I'm sure we'll still keep it low key because we still aren't ready to dive right in to all the holiday hoopla. Though, after Ty died we made a promise to always keep it low key, minimal presents but lots of family time and traditions to start.
I was looking through the Christmas stuff and I just started crying. It came out of nowhere. I mean, I know where it came from, holidays are hard, but its not like this morning I was sad or anything. However, I sure as heck am sad now. I'm sad, mad, pissed off and angry because this should be my 4th Christmas celebrating with kids, not my first. I should have tons of Christmas decorations from collecting over the years for the boys, but I have nothing. I did go out last year and buy a bunch of decorations when they went on clearance because I am determined to at least get a tree up this year! Bee deserves a Christmas tree and the "firsts" photos, a photo shoot under the tree, with the string of lights, you know, all the cute stuff you do to celebrate firsts and lord knows we've waited a heck of a long time to get here so we will be celebrating firsts.
Thankfully, I am pretty crafty so instead of buying from Zulily, I can make, but I get a ton of ideas from there! Ideas and heartache for the holidays. I'm not looking forward to the holidays and can't say I ever will. There will always be a void and heartache surrounding the holidays. Traditions will be started because the boys aren't here. Traditions will be started because Bee is here. I just didn't expect this today but then with grief, you never know when to expect it. You never know when it will hit. All it took today was seeing a cute tutu outfit that says I Love Santa to get the eyes going.
My heart hurts today.....