There have been some significant events happening the last few days that have had a huge impact on my mood. I have never been this anxious, this stressed or this depressed before. These events were unexpected, they have put us in a very tough spot and we have some pretty big decisions to make. Like I've said before, we never get a fucking break. Yes, this deserves swear words. I can't elaborate much on what is going on as there will be a resulting lawsuit but just know, things are not great right now. There are some very dark times ahead and my ray of sunshine is the only thing that gets me through. It has really put the pressure on us, it is making us face some very difficult choices, some of which we aren't ready to make but have to regardless. It's not a good place to be and I really hope this can be resolved quickly. It has gone on many more months than it ever should have.
I will say this, PTSD is something new to me, as is my anxiety. I use to be a care free person, even after the boys died I was more depressed and sad than anxious. When Bee was born it was a trigger. On January 8th, 2013 my life, my mental health became an issue. Her birth brought on a whole new level of things I did not experience before, things I did not feel and things I did not think. I know I've mentioned that on here before. After her birth I started having flashbacks, after her birth I had huge anxiety issues regarding her safety, I was afraid someone would hurt her or she would die somehow. I had a hard time being away from her (and still do to this day) My sleeplessness began after she was born, my inability to concentrate happened after she was born. Every side effect of PTSD and anxiety came about after she was born. Obviously that is the case as I was able to work and function well before her birth. I've only dealt with PTSD for 18 months. I've only dealt with true anxiety for 18 months. It's new to me and I have to a plan to tackle the symptoms but it will take time. Sometimes in life people don't see eye to eye. Sometimes in life there needs to be an intervention, though you have done so much to prevent it from happening but sometimes it is warranted.
This whole situation got me thinking. In times like this I struggle, I REALLY struggle because I don't like to ask for help when I need it. There is the occasion someone offers help and I take it, but there are times where I say no I'm okay when really I am not. I don't as for help, it's hard for me to do. I don't want people taking pity on us or helping us. I feel the time to help has passed. But when there is an offer to help and you know you really need it, how do you deal? I think about the offer I had today, one that ideally would be in our best interest but one that requires an extensive amount of strength on my part. It pushes me to face something I never thought I would have to do but it could really benefit us in our time of need. I've really been thinking about why I am having such a problem with this offer and all I keep coming to is embarrassment. I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I even need help. I am embarrassed by our situation. I don't want people to see me in my weak state, I don't want them to see me torn apart, destroyed to the core. I need to appear strong to the general society even though I have crumbled inside. I feel people look at me and judge, I feel they look at me and take pity. All these feelings are new. I feel embarrassed by seeing people I knew before it all happened, I cant explain it but embarrassment is the only word I can come up with.
Sure, I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I feel it. Maybe there is a different word for what I feel, but I cant find it. The death of the boys changed me but Bees birth completely changed me as well. Some days I cant even function as a mother. At least before she was born I was able to get up everyday, shower, eat, go to work, get stuff done but once she was born, that all went out the window. It's odd to think that her birth would be my trigger, would be the event to cause my PTSD and anxiety and perhaps it doesn't make sense to some, but I cant explain it. All I know is times are very tough, and yet again getting treatment is being pushed to the side because of struggles. I don't know if I will ever be on the right path. I don't know what the future holds and I surely don't feel great about it. I don't have any hope, I don't have any thing to look forward to, it's a damn good thing I have Bee, no matter what is going on all it takes is a few minutes snuggling with her to help me calm down a bit. And as I write this, the smell of ribs simmering in the stove is making me look forward to dinner tonight, but beyond that, I just don't know. I thought this would all be over, I thought we would be getting our feet back on the ground, I thought I would be given the opportunity to address my PTSD and anxiety but some major changes have to happen and those were not expected.
It'd be much easier if we only had one hard decision to make, but right now there are quite a few and with my partner in crime being swashed at work, a lot has been left on my shoulders and I cant carry it well. I know I surely cant carry it alone. And now motherhood calls (I swear they lie at daycare, saying Bee sleeps for 2 hours became I only get 20 mins when she is home)
There is no doubt that the death of a child changes a person. There is also no doubt that the birth of a healthy, living child also changes a person. Trying to discover ones new self can be a challenge. It's something I have struggled with for the past 4 years.
Before Bee came along, even before Stephen came along I was one well organized person. I had a routine, a schedule, I even had my meals planned out a month in advanced. I was organized to a T, some may say I was a bit anal. But, it's what worked for me, it allowed me to write goals and focus on achieving them. It allowed me to feel accomplished and successful. It allowed me to push myself to achieve the best possible outcome. It allowed me to get shit done.
Fast-forward to today. I plan meals about 15 minutes before it's time to eat. Some days I feel so tired and so lazy that we make oatmeal for dinner (with a side of fruit I don't have to cut up). I don't have a schedule, we don't have much of a routine, I have yet to set any goals and feel horribly disorganized. I feel overwhelmed by having to do so much but not being able to pinpoint what and when to do it. I have to start writing lists, for example, Bee goes to school Tuesday so I am writing a list. I'm sure I have to go back to the doctors to go over my test results. I also need to go through a few closets and get rid of some more clothes. I also need to update Baby's Nest and contact more companies. I also need to write my bio for the PALs network (more details about that soon). There is so much I have to do that if I do not write it down so I can visually see it, it wont get done.
It is vastly different from how I use to be and I can honesty say I don't have much get up and go to get back to the old me. It suited me then and though I do believe some routine and schedule would benefit all of us, going back to being that anal retentive is not in the plans. I would just like some organization though, I don't like wandering around mindlessly trying to figure out what to do or eat because I feel so overwhelmed.
I will admit, I have been pretty lucky in my grief journey that nightmares of tragic events have not happened. I've never had "bad" dreams about Ty or Jacobs death or having children die......until the other night.
Bee was acting off and seemed sick so I took her to the hospital to have her checked out. Stephen was out of town for work so it was just her and I. The er doctor agreed something was off and sent her for a MRI. We were then sent to the oncologist who told us that Bee had brain cancer and they weren't sure if they could save her. They said they had to immediately start chemotherapy. They dressed her in a little hospital gown and had us walk down the hall. My last memory of the dream was of Bee and I, hand in hand, walking down the hall to start chemotherapy. It broke my heart. I remember feeling so sad, I couldn't stop crying, I woke up crying. It really has shaken me up.
I know life is not guaranteed and I guess it just made me realize that Bee could die too. I mean I know everyone dies but I meant before she lives a long fulfilling life. It makes me want to bubble wrap her and how do I, someone with horrible anxiety and fear, balance feeling comfortable enough with protecting her but also allowing her to live. I know I can only do so much and there are things I shouldn't do because she deserves to live life. I know something could happen at any moment, just because we have experienced tragedy twice does not protect us from future tragedy. It could strike at any moment and its one reason I live with anxiety and fear, I feel if I relax a little, if I don't prepare then something will strike. I fear something happening to Bee all the time, I guess it goes with the territory, this dream just made me realize there are some things I cant stop and that terrifies me. It makes me incredibly nervous and so very sad. I still feel sad from that dream, even a few days later. I just need Bee to always be okay.
My hope is not to have any more dreams like this. I have lucked out so far and I hope I don't have anymore. My heart can't take even sad dreams about tragedies. These nightmares shake me to the core and severely affect my awake state. I really do not need these to become a common reoccurrence, I already struggle with flashbacks while awake, adding nightmares onto the platter and losing sleep will not be a good combination.
All I can do is hug Bee and do everything I can to keep her safe, teach her how to be safe and limit her exposure to known dangers, toxins and other things in todays world.
I was sitting in the lab waiting to have my blood drawn this morning, running my health card through my fingers. I looked at it, I looked at the woman in the picture. I've changed so much since that photo was taken. I've lost 40lbs and it makes me look like a different person. I then glanced at the date and the tears started swelling in my eyes. I was brought back to 2011. Stephen and I were married in May and I remember praying that Jacob would live at least 3 months, just until I could get my name changed so he would be born a Nelles.
When Ty was born, because Stephen and I were not married at the time, everything related to him was in my maiden name. It bothered me. I know changing ones name when getting married is a very personal choice and by all means, I fully support not changing your last name, but for me it was important. I wanted to take his last name and when all the paperwork for Ty had my maiden name, it hurt.
So after we got married, I prayed for Jacob to hang on, along with many other things, because I had to wait 3 months to officially change my name. I remember the 3 month mark, I woke up early and headed to the local government office, all my papers in tow, and changed my last name. The same day, I went to the hospital and had them change all my records so no matter what happened Jacob would be born a Nelles.
There I sat, thinking about how much changing my last name meant to me because I wanted the child I was carrying to have the same name when he was born and died. I tried to keep my composure but I let a few tears slide out. I took another quick glance at the date and then put my card away.
Life has been filled with many ups and downs lately. I have not been in the best health and trying to figure out what is wrong is a waiting game. My anxiety when feeling ill just makes things worse. It's like a bad cycle, I get worried about passing out which makes me feel more lightheaded which makes me more worried about passing out. Same goes for getting sick. I would just like a good few months of feeling well. I can handle the not feeling well mentally but add physically and it just makes things miserable.
Speaking of miserable, when I went to pick Bee up from school on Thursday her eyes were so swollen, I knew she had been crying. They told me she had cried since lunch (3 hours straight) it broke my heart. I felt so bad and I really feel like she is picking up on my mood because she has been out of sorts lately too.
There is a lot going on, I just cant talk about it right now. It's just hard, it wasn't expected and on we still go. If anything, it has given me more motivation to finish my book, especially since my story went viral for a 3rd time. I know my story needs to be out there, I just need to focus my mind on being able to write.
On a sunny side, we received our spring pictures back from our photographer. Let's just say there is one tear jerker. I'll post it in a few weeks, but it is perfection. Simply perfection.