I can't seem to keep my eyes open. My exhaustion has hit an all time high. Popping into the walk in clinic tomorrow to have my iron levels tested. Hoping it is related to that so it can be fixed. I don't know how much longer I can go feeling like this without having to take time off or cut back some hours somewhere. In addition to being exhausted today, I ate way to much last night (it just tasted so good and I was so hungry) and I have had a major gall bladder attack all day today. Tomorrow is rest and nap day for sure! I am thankful as tired as I was we did go and do laundry (10 loads) because there is no way I'd want to do that tomorrow and now I have a day to put clothes away. Of course, after my nap. I'd type more but this tired mama is going to bed, yes it
It has set in! Glad I got my Tums on hand, will be taking those with me everywhere! It's either that or I've been having small heart attacks the last few days but I really do just think its heartburn/gas. Yeah one of the many lovely side effects of pregnancy...speaking of which night itches have also struck with vengeance again! Only could my body produce such fierce itching in the middle of the night in the weirdess places (like in between my fingers).
In other news, the 20 weeks are the longest out of the whole pregnancy. I felt like this pregnancy was going by at a fair pace until we hit 20 weeks and now it's like really...come on! They are dragging by so incredibly slowly. I am still no where prepared to even think of bringing Bee home, I have not thought past 28 weeks but still, it'd be nice for the time to fly by and who knows, maybe bring this little miracle home. A lot of people have made comments lately about how big I am (really I know I am quite large) but thankfully it is ALL baby. I'm glad I don't have to hide it at work anymore (which is still going great by the way).
Insomnia has also set in, for most pregnant women its related to the need to pee but for me, my body is just crazy. It likes to be up like every 30 minutes just because, it does wonders for making me feel like a zombie day in and day out. I think I wake up because I end up on my back which is a no no during pregnancy so it's my bodies way of telling me to move. It'd be great if it could learn to do it on it's own while I still slumber but alas, it has not figured it out yet.
I've also been feeling....a little strange lately. I'm going to the Walk In Clinic on Saturday to have my iron tested. I'm on supplements but I don't know if they are enough or if I need to double up but I just feel so out of it. I'm beyond exhausted (I mean it is a fight to keep my eyes open) and now I've been getting lightheaded and dizzy spells, mostly in the morning so I thought it was blood sugar related and it could very well be but I need to get my bloods tested to see what else it could be and hopefully find something to fix this funny feeling. I have started eating a snack before I go to bed but only in the last few days so I haven't noticed a change yet.
And now for my 22 week little lad or lady massive belly pic....and an explanation as to why my back is KILLING me with pain but totally worth every second!
Last night Stephen and I had the pleasure of attending the induction of our new rector. To be honest, anytime I am at church (minus the small fiasco of yesterday morning) I feel at peace. It is the one place (besides the cemetery) that I just feel at ease when I am present. Last night was very enjoyable, a new church experience for me followed by a nice evening of cheese, veggies, fruit and pickles for me, I was sans wine and stuck to my usual...water. The really nice thing about church and especially last night, we saw some people we haven't seen in awhile so there were many congratulations (which still to this day makes me giggle) but the thing is, I know when people in our congregation ask us how we are doing, they really mean it. We had so much love yesterday, so many people asking us how we were doing, of course I just said the simple answer "good for the most part" but really at this moment that is how we are.
We are in the calm before the storm, part two. We have surpassed the issues with Jacob and now wait 15 more weeks before our issue with Ty all the while knowing anything can happen at anytime. It's kind of a funny time, I'm not really anxious as stressed, I mean I have stressful moments but I know stress is bad for the baby so I'm doing everything I possibly can to avoid it. But, like my social worker said, it is ridiculous to think I could go through this pregnancy with absolutely no stress after what we have been through so I do what I can. I don't push myself beyond what I feel comfortable with and these days its not much. We stay close to home, spend time with those who make us feel better just by their presence because they understand where we are.
All of this still feels fake to me. Its like I've been here twice, I know this, it is no different then before but yet it feels so fake to me. For example, during our mat photo shoot we did some special Bee pictures and some special name pictures (names for both boy and girl) and I just sat there staring at these things and it felt like it wasn't really happening, like it was all in another realm of reality. I have yet to connect but at the same time I do a lot for Bee. I always take my vitamins, even on the days I gagged them up and chocked them down a few times. I reduce as much stress as possible, I eat relatively healthy, make sure to get sleep as much as I can, take it easy around the house making sure not to push myself. I do this because I know it is good for Herim and it has to be done. Whether or not I connect I don't want to risk doing something wrong and dealing with the guilt (I already have enough with Ty and Jacob) and the only thing I am really concerned about is the stress. I can only handle it so much and do certain things about it. Eating I can control, sleeping to an extent, insomnia and night time itching has me up all hours of the night but I still get a decent amount of sleep.
We really are in a funny stage, we are not ignorant to what can happen but we are in between one fluke and the next all the while trying to get ready as much as we feel comfortable doing. We are limited to what we can do in the realm of comfortableness. For example, October 27th Stephens cousin is getting married...may I add NOT in London. This is a huge step for me. Thankfully its only about 1 1/2 hours away from home so in my semi-comfort level. A few months ago I mentioned to Stephen that I wanted to head out early and go to IKEA first (I love my IKEA trips) and maybe even spend the night. But, as the time approaches, even the thought of being away from home for a whole day is too much. It is anxiety I can somewhat control by limiting how long we are gone, so IKEA was knocked off the list and so was staying overnight. I just simply cannot do it, the stress and anxiety related to it is too much!
I am very thankful though that Bee is such a good kicker. Whenever I notice I haven't felt a kick in a while (mostly due to me not paying attention) I start to panic but it does not take long for me to do something and for Bee to start kicking away. Hermin is good at the reassurance kicks. Now if herim can just keep them up I'll be all set! Today was a crampy day and I was worried but those sweet little kicks brought some ease and I came home and have been laying on the couch ever since and all my pain has gone away. Bee's kicks were even strong enough tonight that I could feel them from the outside.
This weekend is laundry weekend (I know exciting eh?) but we also have a retirement dinner for our church secretary which I know will be a good time, it always is at church and the food, they know how to make a pregnant woman happy. It is also Doors Open in London which Stephen and I have gone to the past 3 years and had a lot of fun getting to know areas of London we don't normally see so we will be partaking in that and next week is October first and don't even get me started about how close that brings us to Bee's arrival (though I still prefer herim waits until after the New Year) My moms birthday is on January 7th and she just told me the other day her grandmas birthday is also the same day, I think it would be cute to pass that little family tradition down, even though it may or may not be a girl to share in the woman tradition but non the less, even if it is a boy, it'll all work out. But that puts Bee here at 36 1/2 weeks so we'll see. It also all depends on when our high risk OB is on call, that is the main factor in deciding when to deliver between the 3rd and 10th and also what position Bee is in but we have not began to discuss that yet. That will not happen until at least 28 weeks and right now we have 2 1/2 more weeks until we still make our next milestone. And on that note, it's bedtime! And for Bee it's wake up and start kicking mom in the bladder time.
Here we are 21 weeks down 15 to go. I don't feel like its much of an accomplishment, those off weeks don't feel like much. To be honest I have my eyes set on 24 so I don't think 22 or 23 will see all that successful either. I do know it still is an accomplishment to have made it this far and not lost my shit yet, well not completely at least. We are steadfast and holding strong. I will admit, on days like today when I have stomach pain I do worry even though I know it's mostly related to a growing belly or gas. But every little thing worries me. Not enough to rush to the doctors or L&D at this point but enough to make my heart start to race.
I've been on a huge guilt trip lately and trying to fix it. With Bee I have no appetite. I don't crave much and I don't feel like eating much. Each pregnancy in this aspect has been different. With Ty all I wanted was fruits and veggies, I could not get enough and with Jacob all I wanted was sweets...okay with Jacob I wanted everything, there wasn't much I wouldn't eat. But with Bee it has changed again. I thought once morning sickness went away I'd pile on the pounds from over eating, but I haven't. This morning the scale informed me I had gained 7 pounds total with Bee and if you see me, you know its ALL baby. Even when I managed to eat it's not always the healthiest and that has put me on a huge guilt trip.
It's not like I eat McDonalds hamburger and fries everyday, egg McMuffins maybe but not anything else. In fact I had my first and last McChicken a few weeks ago and got McSick from it and that has completely turned me off of McDonald's, even the crack laced fries have no appeal to me. In fact nothing meat related really has me these days. I suppose it could also be from the guilt. We know Bee will be here early, 36-37 weeks if all goes according to plan, which you all know never has for us so we don't really know and now it is getting to me. I need to do everything I possibly can to make sure this little one has all the nutrients needed to grow so that whenever Bee makes herim (my new word for her and him) appearance herim has a fighting chance. I want Bee to be a big baby, given coming from Stephen and I that isn't that likely but if I can start making sure I am getting veggies and fruit even if I literally have to gag them down, my guilt is making me do it.
I think the biggest issue with everything is the lack of energy I have. Again, this has been different in all 3 pregnancies. With Ty I was exhausted until about 14 weeks, Jacob I felt fantabulous and now, 21 weeks I'm still struggling to keep my eyes open on a daily basis which makes preparing anything hard which means lots of food being picked up, though I know that is not an excuse for less then top quality food (hence my forced eating of Subway now - DONT WORRY, I only get veggies subs as I know deli meat is a no no during pregnancy)
And, photos will be up in a few weeks as we are getting some special maternity ones done today...one of many shoots I am sure. Oh...my new glasses also came in...LOVE THEM!!!! Just need to get them readjusted and pick up my purple sunglasses. It's so nice to be able to see clearly without a gazillion scratches.
20 weeks 5 days: Milo is on the mend. We switched him to gastrointestinal food while keeping Charlie on the hypoallergenic (I did not want to deal with exploding poop all over the house again) he is on anti-biotics for 10 days and some probiotic/acid reducer powder. We are also going to invest in one of these Feliway diffusers, it's suppose to help ease stress (Milo takes after me) and I figure it may be good for him to prepare for whatever comes the next few months. The only downfall is that where you plug them in has to be free of anything and because we baby proofed our house awhile ago, all our plugs are hidden. But, if the little guy needs it, he needs it. I really should have bought pet insurance for him a few years ago.
My tummy has hurt ever since my last ultrasound. It just has felt off. I've been having a lot of pain since then, perhaps it is growing pain as I am super huge these days (and still have 15 weeks to go AHHH, see the picture below) but it seems kind of weird that it all started the day of the attack on my belly. We shall see. At least Bee is happily kicking away and I'll call it now, this is going to be a c-section baby. Bee has been head up for awhile now and I know babies can still turn but not Nelles babies, they like to be stubborn like their parents. Given Jacob was head down until week 35 and Ty did turn head down which caused him to die so it is possible but Bee can stay whatever way Bee feels like and I'll be fine. I've had a c-section I know for me it was easier then my natural with Ty. Regardless, I hope this tummy pain goes away, it is concerning and I have 3 more weeks to go!
Speaking of which, 1 week down 3 to go. I can do this (maybe) as long as Bee keeps kicking away and the pain doesn't intensify I got this!
Our next milestone (24 weeks) is a pretty big one in pregnancy terms...it's the age of viability. I really don't like saying that but thats the absolute earliest doctors will do anything to try and save a baby and that's a huge milestone.
I still have been really struggling with connecting to Bee. Like I've mentioned before, while I was pregnant with Jacob I did everything I could to protect my heart from another loss (which was stupid in the end, I was still in love with him) but pregnant with him I had feelings, I had a connection and at the time I tried to hide those. With Bee it is so different. I actually want to feel, anything at this point even some more anxiety in relations to this pregnancy but I haven't and this time it's not me actively trying to hide my feelings or emotions they just have not come yet.
Our first set of maternity pictures are set for Saturday (weather pending as we are doing them outside) I'm a bit excited. We have a few very special ideas in mind, you'll have to wait to see them though, it's another secret.It is suppose to rain though so I have a feeling we will have to reschedule.
And finally....I'm a bit confused. Last week on one of my pregnancy apps it said Bee was the size of a cantaloupe and now this week Bee is the size of a banana....now correct me if I am wrong but from my understanding a cantaloupe is by far much bigger than a banana....
Big Ole Belly at 20 weeks 4 days...this belly has 15 more weeks to go....can we say back pain is in the near future?
Milo is sick again, we made another visit to the vet clinic. He has meds, new food and we'll know about his blood levels tomorrow. I really just pray it is nothing serious, I'd lose my shit if anything happened to him especially now after the boys. He just has to be fine. Thankfully Bee has been kicking all day so I'm not worried about her/him. I just pray Milo is okay, this added stress is not needed! Poor Bee is going to be a high strung child from all this stress. I'm trying my hardest just to breathe, to relax to stay calm but I can't take much more right now and Milo being sick is just too much. I just want thim to
20weeks 2days: Today was the ever so fun laundry day. It wasn't horribly bad we did get some of the baby things washed. The downfall was my husband forgot a pen in his light coloured pants that went in with the whites.....yeah we have some in stains on most of our white clothes now. Thankfully there just mostly around the house shirts. But I was feeling so blue (like the ink pen colour ha ha) I cheered myself up by buying some Pumpkin Butter and Wensleydale Cheese with Cranberries...mmmm.....I mean they were for Bee. Really, they are. I read that Bee's tastebuds have formed and that there is a difference in the taste of amniotic fluid from what the mama eats so I'd like to build up Bee's pallet. Bee has all ready enjoy Indian food and we have some plans for Ethiopian, European and well, whatever else we feel like. I'm also eating a lot of fruit and trying my hardest to force the veggies down.
Not much has been going on, I'm beyond exhausted all the time but getting my thyroid checked this week to make sure it isn't related to that. Morning sickness is gone but no appetite yet. I've gained 5 lbs and from the picture below you can tell it's all baby! Bee has been kicking a lot. I noticed that the kicks are so much further down and I'm carrying a lot lower than the boys but the doctor said that happens after a c-section. I'm tracking the kicks now, I know it's still way to early for a pattern but I like to see when Bee is most active so far. I do notice a pattern though I know it can change and that come 26-28 weeks is when I really should be doing kick counts. But for right now it gives me something to focus on and I've noticed with all three babies, they LOVE church! They always kicked so much during church and Bee does too. Bee also has hiccups already and they feel so funny to feel, just like Jacob's did!
Next week we are doing our first round of Maternity shots, a little bit excited for those. Hopefully my new glasses come in by then. Other than that, things are just going. Hit 20 weeks which means L&D whenever we feel the need and my next appointment is in 4 weeks which I see as a challenge to make it until then. Bee will get another ultrasound check up and I pray I don't have horrible horrible ultrasound tech lady (did I mention my belly is still a bit sore, even 5 days later) The picture below is from today, I may look drunk but I'm really just beyond exhausted. I can't seem to stay awake these day!
19 weeks 5 days: Picture #1. I love this one, for those who can see ultrasounds and decipher them, if you look Bees little leg is bending and the foot is curled upwards. It reminds me of a Ballerina pose....or a..ummm...maybe soccer kick if Bee's a boy...
Picture #2. When I look at this one I see Bee saying (with hand by mouth as if coughing) Ahem...do you mind leaving me alone...Thanks!
In other news I broke the...well the news at work (to my boss for now) It did not go how I thought it would go in my mind but most things never go how my mind thinks they will. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad and sometimes it's just, well it just is what it is. The damage has been done and I can't say I feel very confident in my announcement. But like I said, it is what it is and only time will tell the outcome. All I can do is work my behind off to prove it was still a good decision and make it known I have every intention of coming back if they will have me. But talk about emotions, every since my break down at the social workers yesterday (which was very needed) I can't stop crying. Everything makes me cry, every little thing makes me sad or upset or fearful. I guess when you hold it in so long and then it all comes out it can take a few days sometimes.
I slept like poo last night, my stomach was in so much pain from the attack on my belly yesterday I could not sleep. It's very sore today as well but Bee seems to be ignorant to what took place yesterday afternoon and the what felt like a piano being dropped on my belly from a 10 story building didn't have any effect on the sweet little kicks. The only thing that worries me is that Bee is not a morning kicker. Both the boys were and I loved it because it was very reassuring come morning time but Bee likes to sleep in.
In rather good news are are officially 20 weeks tomorrow which means no more ER visits, we can go straight to L&D if I ever feel something is wrong and I can't get in with the doctor..yahh!!! We made it to yet another milestone. The next one we have set is 24 weeks, the age of viability and also our next appointment (if I don't freak out and have a panic attack and need an appointment in between) Its funny because to me 20 weeks doesn't feel like much but then I think about 24 weeks and shit gets real. Then after 24, 28 but that's as far as I have even slightly thought ahead. Here is to the next 4 weeks of trying to stay sane, no longer having to hide my belly at work and trying to enjoy some fall festivities (as I type this I have an apple pumpkin candle burning) and we do have a lot planned even some day trips and two weddings back to back. We will bee busy and it will help time pass hopefully.
19 weeks 5 days: Today was Bee's heart check-up. We didn't expect much or any surprising news as we kind of knew Bee's heart was in good shape. So where does that leave us?
We are officially two weeks past the half way point. Everything is downhill from here. We have hit the peak with no return (not that we would want one) We have fought, we have struggled, we have accepted and we have lived each and every day. We have remained hopeful and as faithful as possible but most days seem doubtful. We have taken it day by day, week by week truly celebrating each Friday as a milestone for us. We have surpassed one HUGE milestone and with it brought some reassurance but we still have another 16 weeks to go before we hit another. The stress some days is unmanageable but we have been so incredibly blessed with wonderful support of those who have walked in our shoes and taken this rainbow pregnancy journey. We also have been blessed with those walking this journey with us at the same time (or a few weeks behind)
Each day has been a struggle, each day decisions have been made. Thoughts, fear and terror live inside my heart at every single second of each and every single day. I do not get a break from the worry or fear. I have to train my heart to feel, to connect with Bee because all it wants to do is protect me from further heartache. Trust me heart, it's going to be a nightmare if anything happens you don't need to protect me. Some days I sit and think about how anxious I'm getting the closer we get to D day...I don't know what to do with a baby, my preparedness has disappeared, I feel so helpless, what if we do get to bring a baby home, what do we do then? I'm not prepared for that to happen, I haven't had that experience I don't know what to do. I feel clueless. I'm use to planning funerals and buying my children, as sad as that sounds, it's reality. I know what to do in that situation yet I'm so terrified of it happening again. I don't want it to happen again. It just simply CANNOT happen again.
On the very rare day I may feel hopeful that maybe this is our time, Bee will be our keeper. Bee has been prayed for even before Bee existed. Some moments of hard days I get a glimmer of faith strike me hard, a reminder that God has promised me this child, God has promised me this one is ours to keep until the time comes.
We have learned to dance through the rain, we have learned to take negative situations and turn them into positive situations. We have always kept our eye on the blessings we have had and currently have. We give thanks for the many blessings we have gained in the last few years. Some may not understand but we do feel incredibly blessed, our life is full of so much love, real love not the fake kind. We have extended our family and met so many wonderful people we can't imagine our lives without. People who make this journey a bit easier, people who can relate.
Bee is certainly making her/his appearance known, the sweet little kicks are such a gentle reminder of this miracle, of this journey. Some days I can't believe we are more than half way to meeting Bee, I swore we'd never get here, but here we are. At this very moment Bee is healthy and alive and we can only pray Bee stays that way. As uncomfortable as we may feel about bringing a baby home, we want that chance, we need that chance. We have come this far on our journey and though Bee won't be here next week (I gave the pep talk about staying put until at least 35 weeks) we are getting closer. Each week will continue to be a struggle, decisions will continue to be made and at some point a car seat will need to be installed and this mama will need to check into the hospital again.
It's hard to face everyday when there is so much anxiety around what may happen but the unknown doesn't always have to be bad, that we have learned with Bee. I will continue to struggle, continue to battle my demons of fear, worry, anxiety and terror because I know this miracle inside me is worth the fight. We have another 16 weeks of fight left in us and we will stand against it hand in hand doing everything we possibly can to win this fight, to get the experience the joy that we have been so close to twice. No matter the outcome, this is all worth it. If it wasn't, we wouldn't have tried again but we know the reward far outweighs the risks.
Today's appointment was not great, Bee was only 90% cooperative so we only ruled 90% of heart problems out but that wasn't the issue. The issue was the tech, I've had her before and she's one of the ones I don't like. She brought me to tears and now I am at home in so much pain (my stomach is killing me) because she was so rough during the ultrasound. I will not be surprised if I have bruises tomorrow. I wonder if there is any way to request NOT to have her. There aren't many that bad but I can't go through that or this pain again and my biggest worry was that she was hurting Bee. Lord help her if anything happens to Bee because of her roughness I'll have to go all mama bear on her!
So that was the downfall, everything else was great, our Dr was happy with what he saw, our social worker made me cry and brought out some emotions, we have some pics of Bee but you will have to wait until tomorrow to see them as we are off to our infant loss group meeting tonight.
Really hope Bee is okay and this pain goes away! Such a bad tech. Oh, our next ultrasound is in 4 weeks, I challenged myself to go the whole 4 weeks with no panic attack (obviously if something is wrong I'll go to the doctors) but it is my goal, to make it 4 weeks without panicking in between. Stephen and I have a bet going to see if I can make it that long....but if this pain keeps up I may not even make it a few days!
19 weeks 4 days: We get to go in and see Bee again tomorrow. At our last appointment they were not able to get a clear picture of the heart. The tech could see what she needed to see but she could not get a picture as Bee was just a bit too small. Even though we know things last time were decent with Bee's heart, it does not lessen the anxiety. I know too well that we could walk in tomorrow and our world could come crashing down yet again. I fully expect it to at some point because that's all I know. There are very few days where I feel that Bee will be okay. My anxiety has seemed to slow a little, passing one huge milestone waiting for the next all while knowing at any point, anything can happen. We're just a long for the ride.
I do love the eco ultrasounds because they let you watch the whole time so we get some good quality Bee viewing in tomorrow (husband included, they actually let the husband come in at the beginning too) Though I wonder now that it's in OB ultrasound if they'll still let us watch and let Stephen in...we'll find out tomorrow I guess. At least I know they will let us see Bee and get another picture and it it's awesome tech T, it will be a great appointment (assuming everything is okay)
We pop in to see the doctor afterwords and will be in there every two weeks until about 28 weeks which will be every week until 32 weeks then a few times a week and a hospital stay at the end. I guess it is time to let people at work know. My plan was to tell my boss Thursday after our appointment tomorrow (which is still the plan) but it's kind of a bad week as one of the ladies at work had a mild stroke so we are already short staffed and don't know how long we will be that way. But I do see that as an opportunity for me to really show them they made the right choice and take on the extra work load.
Here is to Bee's heart being A okay and nothing but good news tomorrow (and I'm really looking forward to my chat with the social worker, it's much much needed and to top it off, Bereaved Families meeting tomorrow night, long emotional day but I know it will be good)
19 Weeks: Whoot...we made it to 19 weeks. One more week and I can go to L&D whenever my heart feels the desire.
For the last few weeks there has been a song playing on the radio (every time I drive to work in the morning), the first time I heard it it made me ball my eyes out (which most things do these days) because it reminded me so much of the boys. Well, I've been hearing it ever since and this morning it hit me when I listened to the words. This song is Bee's song. This song is for Bee. I finally found Bee's song and one I can learn pretty quickly. It's such a perfect song and even Bee agrees because when I play it, kicks start happening and I mean lots of kicks, kicks so much that tonight when Daddy was listening to the song, Bee kicked for him. Tonight one year ago today we held out dead son, a life gone too soon, our hope and dreams had faded yet again and tonight one year later for the first time (a present from Jacobs perhaps) Stephen felt Bee kick. It made me teary eyed. He felt Bee, he knows that Bee exists and we both cherish those sweet little kicks so much! So of course, I had to post the link to the video. It's a catchy tune and I have officially dubbed it as Bee's song
So thank you Jacob for sending Daddy a nice Birthday gift from you. He loves to feel Bee's sweet kicks and so does mom! And here is the weekly picture. I find I'm not getting as large (perhaps it really was mostly bloat all those weeks) but when I look at myself in the mirror I am getting longer, I'm growing down and up not out anymore.
18 weeks 6 days: Can I just say that peppermint tea with honey is AWESOME! Of course it has to be mixed in with hot chocolate but that really works! I felt a bit better today, not a ton but good enough to make it through work. It helped my sore throat and coughing, it's a great natural remedy.
Okay so now onto a sensitive topic in the Nelles household....names. We can absolutely NOT agree on names for either gender. Boys names are even harder because Tiberius was my favourite and Jacob was Stephens and we've used those already so now we're at a stand still. The only two requirements are that it has to be biblical and it has to be somewhat of an uncommon name (and trust me if you have read the bible you know that's no challenge) but we don't want something too out there either. If its a boy it has to go well with the middle names Tiberius Jacob and I'm all about nickname.s I want to make sure whatever we name our child can't be turned into some sick middle school nickname but at the same time I want a name that still has the ability for a nickname.
Boys: Like I said, we've already used our two favourites and now we are stuck. We never thought we would have more than two boys of our own (meaning if we adopt or foster the kids would already have names and we wouldn't change them) so coming up with a boys name is hard. At first we both really like the name Noah and the meaning was very fitting and then we became fond of Isaiah but now neither strike us as "the name". For one thing Noah really does not have any form of nickname related to it. Isaiah has Zay and Zaya which are cute and I don't know if other mothers do this but I picture my kids as little boys but also grown men with these names to see if they fit as an adult as well. Lately I have been all about Malakai (Kai, which yes sounds like Ty but even before Ty I loved the nickname Kai, I always thought it would be Ty and Kai but I never knew what name Kai could stem from) and I've always told Stephen one day I WILL have a little boy named Phineas (Finn) that will happen so why not just let it be this time? I suggested Joseph (Joey or Jo Jo) and he came back with Samuel (Sam) We just can't agree but at least boys names have one up on girls names (we're struggling with biblical girls names) The other thing is, neither of us want to use names we ever considered for the boys, which really only rules our Benjamin. Other contenders are Caleb, Gabriel, William (Liam) and Berkley (after Stephens grandfather) but still, neither of us have settled.....
Girls: The issue with the girl names is that there are some I really like, Gwendolyn (Gwen) Vivian (Viv) Eloise (Ell or Ellie) Evelyn (Evie) and Eden. None of these really stem from the bible and it's tough. Stephen really likes Sophia but that was suppose to be Jacob's name so I don't want to consider it for Bee if Bee is a girl. He hasn't really suggested any other names and I've gone through pages of biblical girls names and nothing stands out for me.
I think when it comes down to it, if we can narrow it down to 3 and have a list for both boy and girl when we deliver Bee that will be as good as it can be until we meet whoever Bee is and see. Until then we continue to battle with coming up with names and see what else we can dig up because nothing is really jumping out at us...at least not right now.
And on a sidenote, my lovely pregnancy induced severe itching has picked back up...weeeeeee, you can add that to the fun list of not being able to sleep (which sometimes is because of the itching) but I know this is all worth it and I love most minutes of these side effects. I know Bee is well and I'm already starting to notice a kicking pattern and how much it goes off if my schedule is off too. Now if they can become more consistent so Stephen can feel, we'll be all set. Well, we'll be all set once we can narrow the name list down. We had names for both the boys right away when we found out..this time not so much.
18 weeks 5 days: Today was not a great day. It was Jacob's birthday but I tried not to think about it much because it would become too overwhelming. I woke up and just felt really tired and on my way to work I started to cough. The coughing did not stop, runny nose and sore throat started. Finally at 1pm I came home (I made sure to stay and get all my work done first) I slept and had some soup, ice cream and potatoes and corn. A few of the women in my rainbow pregnancy group suggested peppermint tea or anything with honey so I used both these suggestions. I am not a tea drinker by any means and when I first tried the peppermint tea it almost made me puke but as brilliant as I am, I came up with a solution. I mixed the tea and honey with hot chocolate and it was actually good and not only that, it really did help my throat so it will be my drink of choice the next few days. I'm also using Hydra Sense nasal spray to clear my passages and Tylenol when needed but other than that, this is a natural remedy cold I am on.
I do not want to use anything that could harm Bee (and I feel guilty enough with the Tylenol even given all the studies) and the only thing I care about is Bee's safety. I don't care how shitty I feel, I will suffer through as long as it does not affect Bee. I know of course I need to get better so I can feel better and take better care of myself for Bee but for the moment, I'm fine feeling crappy if Bee is okay. It terrifies me so much to be sick while pregnant, well this time at least. I know it can cause problems if it gets really bad (of which I'm usually good and at the doctors before it gets too bad) but it scares me. It scares me that even as careful as I am about washing hands and avoiding sickies that I can still get sick. I know I am not safe from anything and the thought of losing Bee because I was sick is just another worry and fear.
Stephen has done a good job at taking care of me, he ran out a few different times to get me what I needed and made me some potatoes and corn for dinner. I just pray he does not get this because Lord knows I do not want to have to deal with a man cold, not even a pregnant cold is as bad as a man cold....speaking of which I had to post this video here because it is SO true! Here is to getting better so I know that Bee is safe and for peppermint tea with honey and hot chocolate ad Stephen NOT getting a man cold.
I was so proud of myself yesterday for finally settling on a baby cleaning product. Remember how I said it wasn't on my list? I'll be returning the Live Clean Baby. After coming home and reviewing the product there are two ingredients in the bath wash and lotion that are on the not good list of ingredients. I will keep the bar soap because it truly is very basic but I think I will go with my second choice, Desert Essence for the shampoo and lotion. I use Desert Essence products myself so I know they are good, I just wasn't fond of the smell but it was better then the other brands. So many decisions! Or I can give Earth Mama Angel Baby another smell test.... Wipes are another story. If we had a washer and dryer I would do re-useable wipes but it's just not realistic with our no laundry situation. Every single wipe I looked at had one of the no so good ingredients so it was a matter of choosing which one was least harmful.
Not much else has been going on with Bee, she kicks away every so often. She is starting to get a pattern but I find it's off when my pattern is off. I have been off Diclectin for three days now. The mornings are okay, still feel a bit sick but manageable. The biggest difference I notice though is that my sleep has been affected. I find it now takes me forever to fall asleep. I just lay there and think. The Diclectin makes me sleepy so it was very easy to fall asleep. I'll have to change my sleep pattern to see if it helps at all.
As you may or may not have read from my regular blog, Milo has been sick so I've really been paying attention to him lately and Bee's just hanging in there. We get to see Bee again on the 12th for an Echo ultrasound. Hoping we can record the heartbeat then and get Bee's bear made.
I'm still deciding on a few of the things we have yet to get (we never got everything with Ty or Jacob) so we are looking into a few more things but this time many decisions, reviews and comparisons have to be made. Short blog tonight, my furbaby needs some mama love.
Last night I had this sudden urge (Stephen was out of town for the night) to just get up and go get Bee something. Everything I have bought to this point has been for a baby but not specifically Bee. I just had to get something for Bee (which poses a problem sometimes when the hand is between the leg and the goods are hidden) But I did get a few things for Bee, boy or girl they are for her. Or him. It was hard for me to do but I just felt I HAD to do it. I got home and was eating my smooshed pie (I dropped it on the floor at the store and it got all messed up, it's more like a heap of yummy now) and sat down to read a comment from the blog yesterday. A lady I use to work with at my old job had commented (and thank you very much, it meant a lot to me) she had a loss of her own 30 years ago and still the words she had were so inspiring and reminded me this feeling never goes away but that even as disconnected I may be with Bee right now, the time will come. It came with Jacob but not until 18 weeks and this time it may take longer but it does come. She reminded me that this journey is worth it (and I know deep down it is or we wouldn't be doing it again) and that when I am holding Bee (I'd like to say If but for the purpose of her message) WHEN it happens nothing will hold me back.
Her message made me cry, but good tears. Many may not understand how tears can be a good thing but sometimes they can. It gave me a lift and then I went to sit and go through the things I got Bee. I decided I wanted to play some Christian music as I always do when I am having a hard time. I say and listened and the first 3 songs that played were another message. God is trying to send me all these messages but I am so scared I'm not getting them. The three songs I listened too made me ball my eyes out, but in a good way again. I have had so many dreams where God has promised me this baby is ours to keep and I've been told many times he keeps his promises so we'll see but it's hard to open my eyes when I live in fear. I still see the beauty all around me but I do not see the beauty in me. The life that is truly a miracle and a blessing. My heart and mind are keeping me from it and it seems I am being thrown messages but I just cannot receive them yet. Perhaps when I open up to receive them my heart will connect.
It's amazing how a simple message or a few songs can really change the heart. At least for now anyways. My goal tomorrow is to go out and do some things for Bee. I narrowed down the body products to two brands and I have to go do the sniff test. I picked the wipes out and perhaps if they don't expire soon I will buy a package. I am doing everything in preparation hoping it helps me feel a connection. Listening to songs hoping my heart and mind open up to the beauty within.
So last night was horrible.As I mentioned Stephen was away which led to Charlie, Milo and Me not sleeping well. I'll be taking a nap shortly. I did manage to get out and do what I wanted to today and finally settled on a baby cleaning product and wipes. I went to smell all the natural ones I had on my list and I did not like any of the smells not only that but even though they state they are natural some still had some questionable items listed and a few still had a lot of ingredients. I spent 30 minutes in Babies R US (after 30 minutes at the health store) and decided on one that was not on my list. It is called Live Clean Baby. It is a newer brand and Canadian but simple. They have very few ingredients and most of them are natural, not only that but it smells simply delicious! It smells like I want my baby to smell like not tree bark. I'm excited I finally picked something! I also got a pack of wipes (checked the expiration date, I'm good until 2015) When I buy things like these I always check the expiration date thinking if we lose Bee will it last until another baby comes a long (through adoption of foster care because there are no more Nelles babies after this) I also got Bee some special little things that are gender neutral and a Build A Bear (both the boys have one too) The people at build a bear were quite confused that I didn't want to record my sound there or stuff my bear, I had to explain why not to 3 different people. The bear I wanted was being discontinued but thankfully the boys left one just for Bee.
Today wasn't bad and I know I can survive one night without my love being home, I just won't sleep. It's already 5pm and he's on his way home. Dinner tonight consists of mashed potatoes with gravy and a home made smoothie. My parents brought us back some fruit from a Farmers Market in St. Jacobs and it was a little too soft for my palate liking so I threw them into a smoothie with some juice and ice and that is dinner. I'm still finding it very hard to eat, I just do not have an appetite but on a plus, I didn't take a diclectin last night and I felt fine this morning. Here's to hoping I don't have to go back on it because I don't feel like paying another arm and leg. Easy things for the tummy the next few days while it adjusts and maybe, just maybe I'll develop an appetite so I can pack some pounds on for Bee.
And because I love adding pictures, I think we need to have a talk with Charlie and Milo if Bee gets here, they're going to have to share the baby things. *Milo also now loves the change table but he can't jump up into the high chair.