I find it funny that for the first time in a long time when someone asks me "what's new" I actually have a response. You want to know what's new? Well, other than Bee totally rocking it like she usually does, learning and growing everyday. For those who missed the last few posts, I posted an I am Strong story on Birth Without Fear. It went viral, I mean VIRAL. I now have 725,000 likes, 205,000 shares and 61,000 comments (which I will get through one day and yes even the bad ones) Media took notice of my story. It has been published on ivillage, huffingtonpost blog and will be featured in a 30 Days of Hope with 30 inspiring people journey.
But, I saved the best for last, this week Stephen, Bee and I will be flying out to Los Angeles, the city of Angels to talk about our angels. We have been invited to appear on The Doctor's TV show to share our journey. My socks are still knocked off and my jaw is still on the floor. I can't believe it. I am beyond terrified (I hate planes) oh and you know, no pressure being in front of millions of people watching the show when I talk about infant loss. My body is kind of in the shut down mode and I'm just going along for the ride. So much rescue remedy has been taken along with a relaxing bath tonight and some acupuncture before we leave.
I do finally feel a bit of excitement. This was such an amazing opportunity that we could not pass up. Especially since most of the expenses are covered and even if we do have to dip into our dwindling savings a bit, this opportunity cannot be passed up. Infant loss is not a subject many talk about, especially not on national TV. This is big, this is HUGE!!!
Not only that, but Stephen and I decided since we've never been on a vacation together, we didn't even go on a honeymoon because we only found out two weeks before we got married that Jacob would not live, our plans had to change, that this would be our honeymoon (with Bee in tow) I know it'll sure be interesting, especially with the time change for Bee. I know I will throw up lots with fear of the plane ride and being on TV. I don't like being the center of attention at all, I don't like talking in front of people and especially not to people I don't know. This trip is pushing some major big boundaries and I know when we get back home, I'll need a week to recover. But it has to be done.
So off to Hollywood we go (literally) to be on The Doctors TV show and once I know the air date, I will make sure to post it.
I still can't believe how big Ty and Jacob went for their Birthdays! I said I wanted big and I was just thinking the donations of animals to a 3rd world country but I guess they decided this was bigger and decided mom and dad deserved a nice short firs trip ever.
Stay tuned for PTSD, GAD mom does Hollywood with an infant in tow after a 5 hour flight and a 3 hour time difference. I can only imagine the stories that will come.....
Just wanted to give you all a heads up. My husband and I found out this morning that we will be flying out to the city of angels to talk about our angels (LA) next week to appear on a talk show to share our journey through our loss. I may be "absent" from this page for the next week as I prepare for this major trip. I don't like flying, I highly dislike flying and reading all the requirements for traveling with an infant is a bit daunting. Any of you experienced moms who have traveled with infants have any wisdom or insights? Bee is 9 months if that helps....Also, we will be 3 hours behind our time, how can I help Bee adjust to that?
You know what caught me off guard today? Little boy boxes. Yup, little boy boxers caused me to start crying. I was browsing Zulily and one of the featured companies have little boy boxers. It tugged at my heart. I should be having to buy those. Sigh......
This week Bee and I are doing nothing, with the exception of seeing some of our awesome friends and the newest rainbow addition. But for now, everything else will have to wait. Last week was INSANE. It was more than insane and my body is starting to shut down. I am in PTSD overload and I need to relax and rejuvenate. I can't go on like this. I can feel the angry, the agitation at every little thing. I have taken rescue remedy the last few days and I've never needed it as much!
I am beyond thankful that I have been presented with amazing opportunities the last week, but all at once is far beyond my limitations. I will say that with all the good things that have happened, the bad with finding out about the surviving Potter's Baby, has really softened my heart. I have been able to understand and I'm starting to deal with those emotions. I am starting to find a place for them and in a sense, they've found a place on there own because of everything that has happened.
But I am burnt out. It is starting to take effect on my family so I need my time away. I will get to emails when I can, I will work on my other blog when I can (http://babysnest.blogspot.ca/) Check it out if you haven't! I will work through all the media requests as we go along and figure out where to go but not right now. Right now I will go out , get some fresh air and enjoy the beautiful outdoors with Bee because right now I also have a heavy heart. Ty's birthday is approaching and I find myself getting sadder each day. So much to do but my daughter will always be first. I refuse to sit with her and be on my computer. She deserves my fill attention. If it means some late nights, then so be it, but while Bee is awake, she has me.
I know my limits and I have reached them so I am going to take the time I need and will be back when I am more settled.
Some times it is easier and less exhausting to let the defeat take over. Sometimes it is just simply easier to throw the towel in, even if for a few days.
But please, we are still trying to raise funds to donate to World Vision in memory of the boys. We are almost half way to our first goal of donating a stable to a village. If you can, even small amounts will helps, check it out:
For the first time ever I am speechless. I sit here wanting to write but I have no words. My mind is silent. It's receded into the dark depths of my head. I am overwhelmed. For someone who has PTSD this is way more than I feel like I can handle clearly.
So many conflictions, so many life changing events happening. I don't know what to feel or think or even where to go.
For those who do not know, I posted my "I Am Strong" story on Birth Without Fear this past weekend. It went viral. I now have over 700,000 likes, over 200,000 shares and 60,000 comments (which I will read through) I have been send many request for media, publicity and an onslaught of people wanting to send things in memory of the boys.
My youtube video now has over 40,000 views. This video includes pictures of the boys after they passed. I am scared. I am scared about the hurtful comments because I know there are some. But, I chose to look at those few hurtful comments as nothing more then people crying out for help. There may be a few hurtful comments but I have inspired thousands. I am moving mountains and I have to focus on that.
This is all happening so quickly, my body is in overload. I don't know what to do. I am scared.
All I really want to do is keep living our humble little life. Next week my Godson is being born, that's all I really care about right now. I care about helping Bee through this terrible teething. I care about seeing my parents next weekend and getting out to doors open London. My quiet little life that I am so blessed to have.
But at the same time, I know there is a reason I was chosen to do this. There is a reason my story went viral. There is a reason I was chosen to be the face for us warriors of angels. I don't know the reason and however thought I have the strength to do this was pretty gutsy. I know I have to do this, not only for me and my boys but for the millions of mothers who have gone through what I have.
In addition to that, I am feverishly working on my new blog: http://babysnest.blogspot.ca/
I have had pretty good response to it and quite a few companies offering to help. I emailed over 100 companies and trying to sort through my spreadsheet to keep everything clear is hard when I have 58,000 emails my inbox.
I am a mess inside. So many things are conflicting. I never imagined when I asked Ty and Jacob to make the weeks in between their birthdays into something big that they would go this big. I am speechless.
I do apologize if this blog is a bit neglected, though writing is my out, I may need to recede back writing everything out.
I am truly humbled. I am speechless. I am sitting here sobbing like a baby because I don't know what to feel or say. I'm eating ice cream. I have chills (but not from eating ice cream). Wow......just wow. Is this really happening? Someone pinch me.
This year we felt the need to do something big to celebrate Ty and Jacob since we finally felt we were in a place to do so emotionally. On their last few birthdays we've kept very private. We were too heartbroken to face the world. But this year, Bee has given us our life back and we finally felt it was the year. We created this website:
Our intent was to have family and friends donate some money so we could build a well or donate animals to a family in a 3rd world country. Anything we received beyond that would go towards helping pay for my medical treatments since they are not covered by insurance (no natural treatment is) and they aren't exactly cheap either but they work!
So I posted the page and thought this would be our big thing for the boys. I guess they had other plans. The Bald Eagle on Jacob's birthday was pretty impressive but I must say, as I sit here right now, something miraculous is happening on facebook. Something incredible.
Last week at counseling I talked about how I never feel strong. I always see myself as weak even though others always tell me how strong I am. I decided I'd post my story on Birth Without Fear as I had been reading other moms "I am strong" stories for a few months. I thought it would be good for me to list why I need to recognize my own strength and sure, I knew some people would read it and perhaps even a few would comment. But never, never in a million years would I expect my story to go viral.
My post has now been up for 48 hours and as of right now it has received 150,000 likes, 27,00 shares, 10,000 comments. Read that again, 150,000 people have read my story and liked it. 150,000 people have for a brief second, thought about Ty and Jacob. 27,000 people have shared my story and 10,000 people felt the need to comment. Again, read over those numbers. Take a moment to let it sink in. It continues to go up.
This is big. I mean this is HUGE. I know Ty and Jacob are behind this amazing thing that is happening.
I'm in shock. I'm in total shock. All I can do is sit here and eat ice cream because taking it all in is overwhelming. I should add, I've had over 200 new friend requests, but due to keeping very private and protecting my family I won't be able to accept them. However, I will take the time to read each and every comment when I get the chance (10,000 is a lot) and I will get to the over 300 facebook messages I have received. In time I will get there.
In time I will breathe again. I never could have guessed this would get this huge. I am the face of infant loss and now so are my boys. Their names are out they're making a difference. Giving people hope and faith. I couldn't ask for a more awesome way to remember them during this very difficult time of year. This has gone above and beyond anything I could imagine.
I am truly, truly humbled. Perhaps I should write a book.
I should add, I know there are some not so nice comments, here is what I have to say about those. As I say, not all people have been blessed with amazing parents like mine who taught me how to be a compassionate person and one of the true morals of life, if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. Perhaps she is just jealous of all the attention Ty and Jacob are receiving. Sure some people don't understand this way of life and haven't had the experience of heartache but for those few people, there are thousands being given hope and faith right now. So for the few who feel the need to say hurtful things, I will pray for you. I will pray that you never have to endure the heartache I have and that you will find your way in life. But you words will not hurt me because my words have given hope and faith to thousands, that is moving mountains!
Something has happened this weekend. I don't know where it stems from but a good guess is from withing myself and my daughter. I've felt alive this weekend. I can't remember the last time I felt alive. I've felt awake. I've had a fire burning in my soul to make change.
I just felt so passionate about everything when I woke up on Saturday. I headed to counseling and had a fantastic session. Talk therapy is truly the best treatment for me. My counselor didn't have anyone after me so we ended up talking for 1 1/2. Would have been more but little Bid needed a nap. I think talking through everything really helped give me a sense of direction.
I left with a desire to make change. I know how scary change is, I know how frightening taking a leap of faith is, especially when it comes to playing with fire, in this case, our finances from lack of two incomes.
But even though I am scared, I have motivation to make it work. See, the funny thing is, Bee has not only taught me about love but she is my motivation to do everything in life now. It's funny how becoming a parent really foes change a person. I need and want to be the best version of myself for Bee. She has light a fire in me to become strong again, to become independent, to push myself beyond my limits like I use too.
This weekend I did something I would have never done before but I did it because of my daughter. Because she consistently pushes me to go beyond my comfort zone for her. This weekend I got up in front of a bunch of people (and if you know me you know how much I DESPISE being in front of people and having people look at me for any reason) and I danced (and if you know me, you know I can't dance to save my life) but I danced because I wanted to give my little girl the experience of dancing at a pow wow. I put everything in me aside for my little girl and did something I'd never have done before and you know what....I enjoyed it, you know why, because she did! To see her eyes light up as we danced around all the people wearing their regalia's, to watch her take everything in, to feel her move to the beat of the drum. I let all my inhibitions go so she could experience life.
I don't want Phoebe to grow up and miss out on experiences because of me. If anything, I think I will get to experience life again because of her. She will push me to do it.
As I mentioned before, I also found the courage to post my birth story on a very special facebook page about birth and to read through over 300 comments (and going) from people all around the world truly is humbling. It is allowing me to see that yes, even though I don't feel it, I must be strong. I have felt so very weak for so very long but I must have strength. I must have strength because each day I put my feet on the ground and move forward. Sometimes we take a tumble back, but I still get up the next day to try again. I must be strong because I danced at a pow wow, something I'd never do before but I did it because my little girl gives me strength to keep me going.
I like this feeling, I like this fire in me. I know I have a tremendous amount of things to work through and at the moment I am dealing with some tough stuff. I don't know if any of you read about the congresswoman in the US whose little girl was diagnosed with Potters and her little girl is now 8 weeks old. They had a special treatment done while she was pregnant that helped her little girl. This same treatment is the one my husband and I asked for time and time again when we found out about Jacob. The same treatment we were refused over and over again, told it wouldn't work, it was no point. Well it did work, it worked for someone who had the resources to make it work and her little girl did not die. It kills me, IT KILLS ME inside. I am dealing with so much anger and hurt from this story. I'm not sad her little girl lived but rather I am sad because my Jacob did not. It is so very tough to deal with this conflicting emotion. It is going to be a long road coming to work on the aftermath of hearing this story. I don't think I can ever get over this. But I need to find it's place in my life.
I also have my new blog that I am feverishly working away on and so far it is going well. It is being warmly welcomed into the blogging community and seems like it may really take off. I'll post more about that another day as I'm still in the beta mode of the blog but good things are coming.
Now I am off to bed, teething has turned my good little night sleeper into a no so good little night sleeper and for two weeks we've both had our fair share of rough nights which mean early bed times for me!
I finally had the courage to post my "I am Strong" story on the Birth Without Fear Facebook page. I've been reading so many other strong stories but I never truly feel strong myself. I took a leap of faith and just decided to post my story (I had yet to see one about loss) I must say, I am humbled and overwhelmed but the over 200 supportive comments from people all around the world. It brings me to tears to read the comments (in a good way) . Perhaps I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.....
I've been feeling quite defeated lately. I'm sure the lack of sleep (3-4 hours a night) do not help and I think that's why my emotions are so heightened lately. Everything seems to upset me. I am very vulnerable right now. If I make plans with someone or try to and they cancel, I'm offended. I feel like they hate me, like I am unlikeable. I feel like people don't want to be around me because no one ever seems to make plans with me. I'm always the one contacting others to make plans. Or at least that's how it feels to me. Like I said, I'm sure I'm over reacting but when you are exhausted physically, everything emotionally feels 10 fold. I take everything so much more personally. I feel like the world is out to get me (though I feel that mot days).
I feel defeated because I'm struggling and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I am working on it, I have counseling today and we have a plan to help me work through everything. I feel defeated because I think one of my hardest and biggest issues is letting go of where I imagine we would be 3 years ago. What I imagined our life would look like, where we would be living, our children, our whole life. I can't seem to let go of where I thought we would be and notice where we are instead. It's not the same, in fact it is about 100 times different than what I thought. I can't seem to let go of the idea that we would have been in our own house, with our two boys, living life and loving it. We are not there nor will we ever be there so why cannot I not let go? Why is it so hard to let go of the innocence?
I feel defeated because I feel the pressure of time bearing down on me. I feel like everyone is in a hurry to make me better. Everyone says to take the meds, they will help. I'm sure they would numb me but acupuncture already does that with no side effects to me or Bee. I am able to function on a daily minimum. Yes I struggle so much, but I have to work through it. I need time. No amount of medication will solve my problems, even my psychiatrist told me that. I just need time. Why can people not understand that these things take time? I've been rushed before, I've been rushed before I was ready and it was a DISASTER. It was fine before because I only had to worry about me but I cannot become a disaster now because of Bee. I need time and time is what I will be taking. It may take a few weeks, months or even a year but I owe it to my family to take that time to become the best version of me that I can be.
I feel defeated in my relationship with my husband. I feel bad for Stephen, I take so much out on him and I'm trying so hard not too but when I'm so tired, emotionally exhausted, physically ill, he's the only one I see. I won't lie, our relationship has taken a hit, though the first hit came three years ago but the thing is, we have such deeply profound respect and love for each other that we know we will make it through. I guess it's one thing I don't blog about a lot, how it has affected us as a couple because so many people see us and say how strong our marriage is but to be honest, it has it's weak moments. I don't ever want to become one of those husband bashers. I never would, I have a lot more respect and love for my husband. If I have issues with him we talk about it. Sure, he drives me insane sometimes but I know I do the same to him and even though we drive each other insane, we still are head over heels in love. But having gone though what we've been through has had its fair share of struggles for us as a couple. Right now we are working on rediscovering our love for eachother because it too has changed. Yes, somedays I wonder if I married the right person but then he goes and shows me that yes, yes I did. I am with who I am suppose to be with. He is truly an amazing man and even though I get irritated by some things he does sometimes (who doesn't right?) I know part of it is me. I take half the responsibility in our relationship because we are a team. We work together through everything. He has been my rock and I know without him my life would suck even more. So I welcome his irritations because if he was perfect, our relationship would be incredibly boring. Who wants a boring relationship? Not me! We surely do not have a boring relationship.
But even in the midst of my defeat, I am having rare success moments. My new blog is starting up and I've already had three companies contact me for reviews. I have yet to have anyone turn me down, though I know it is coming and I have to prepare myself for that. Honestly, I'm scared about the rejections but I know there will be some. How do I prepare for that? How can my emotional fragility handle being told I'm not good enough, that what I am passionate about is not quite big enough yet. I mean, I get it, I'm just starting out and some companies are looking for ways to market through much more successful blogs. I know I'll get there one day. I will, that I know! But in the meantime, taking the rejection is going to hurt. It's going to chip away at my emotional fragility and wear me down. I have to, I HAVE to look at the positive. I have to see those companies that said yes. They took a leap of faith, believed what I am doing and said yes. That counts for a lot!
I also found the courage to post my "I am strong" story on the Birth Without Fear Facebook page and have had wonderful response. A lot of people say how strong I am and though somedays, okay most days, I don't feel it, I have to be. I mean how could I have gotten this far and not be strong? I never see myself as strong or even an inspiration to others but I am glad that I am. I may not acknowledge it yet, maybe one day I will, but in the meantime, even if I don't feel it, it's nice to see that others do. It's nice to see people say that I am an inspiration, that I am strong. Perhaps it will help build me back up.
And as if things weren't all up and down over here, this little lady turned 8 months!!!! WHAT????? I'm thinking the same thing, how can my light me 8 months already?
It was brought to my attention that many people probably do not know what PTSD or GAD look like. They are unaware of the side effects they cause a person. I know symptoms vary person to person (doesn't it always vary person to person no matter what the situation?) but I thought I'd share how they effect me and what it may look well, though I am great at hiding it (which is why many are surprised when I mention I have it) .
For me it starts with the thoughts. The thoughts that something horrific is going to happen to the people I love, which makes it very hard to leave them or not be around them. Thoughts such as, if I leave Phoebe at a day care center some person may come in and kill her, or even worse, they won't be watching her for a second and she will get hurt. She could get so hurt that she would never be the same. It could cause permanent damage to my sweet little girl. Or even, if we get in the car and travel on the highway, we are going to get in a big accident and die. Maybe I'll just die, leaving Stephen and Bee. Maybe Stephen will die, leaving Bee and I or even worse, maybe Stephen and I will die, leaving Bee by herself. There's also the thoughts that someone will follow us home , break in and kill us, or that due to "natural causes" Stephen and I will die during the night and Bee will be left alone for who knows how long before someone figures it out and perhaps so long that she may cry so much, choke and die herself. Not thoughts you want to think of but when you've already had two of your children die, your mind goes there.
There's also chest pains. I describe it as if I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I mean truly it feels like I'm having a heart attack (well what I imagine it feels like). My chest twinges with pain, inexplicable amounts of pain. It's scary. It radiates down my arm and into my mind. I google the symptoms of a heart attack on a weekly basis. I just need to know that I'm indeed not having a heart attack but rather a panic attack which gives you some of the same symptoms.
I also sweat like a pig (actually, do pigs even really sweat?) I constantly feel warm, even sitting in a cool bath cannot cool me down. I still have yet to find a deodorant that can withhold my stink from sweating. I go through 2 or even 3 sets of clothes some days because I sweat so much. My hands get all clammy and just ooze sweat. I leave sweat prints where ever I go or on what ever I tough. I sleep in barely anything at night because I feel so warm. I try to wear as little clothing as I can during the day because I feel so warm.
My heart has also been known to race. It gets beating so fast that sometimes when all I am doing is sitting still, it's like I've ran for over an hour. It literally feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. Once at the doctors office after sitting and waiting for 30 minutes, my heart rate was 160...from just sitting. I think the adrenaline from my stress gets my wee little heart going. I know that no matter what I do, I have to be healthy because lord knows how much of a beating my heart takes from stress.
Sometimes I also get really dizzy, to the point I have to sit down and really focus on my breathing. Sometimes I catch myself running into things or holding onto objects so I don't pass out.
One of the worst symptoms is the nausea. Everyday of my life I feel sick. Some days it's so bad I can't eat. Most of the time I don't really have an appetite and have to force myself to eat. Lately it has gotten so bad that I've had to take some gravol. I will admit, since I cut out red meat at least the stomach pain has gone away but the nausea is still there most days. I eat crackers a lot and drink ginger ale/peppermint tea most days because as of right now, the nausea is for front in my stomach at most times.
Then there are the headaches. I get about one or two a week and nothing has really helped much yet. Though I recently tried peppermint oil and it seemed to work so we'll see if it keeps up. The headaches happen starting in the morning and last all day. Nothing eases the pain and the days are so very long. The pain is constant, it feels like my head is going to explode. It makes it hard to be a mom on days when I have headaches.
Another bad side effect is the exhaustion. I have no energy and I mean NO energy. It takes so much to do even simple things. I try to get out for a walk daily but its hard. It's hard to do anything. Even sitting I find myself tired. I know a lot of this issue could be related to Bee's night wakings as well, but even when we've had a decent night, I'm still tired! The exhaustion causes me to feel like I am in a constant state of fog. It's hard to describe, it's almost like I'm not really awake, everything is a dream because my mental state is so sleepy and unaware.
Speaking of mental state, the forgetfulness is sometimes really bad! However, I will say, no matter how tired, how out of it, how sleepy I am, I NEVER forget Bee. Girl makes it hard with her daily vocal practice but even then, I'm always talking to her, I am consumed in her I never forget her or anything to do with her. She is my focus, she is all that matters. That leaves other things to be forgotten. It's a running joke in our house to say we have the cleanest laundry machine because there have been many occasions I have forgotten to add the clothes to the washer and it runs for a cycle or two. This has happened many times. I've even run the dishwasher twice with no dishes. I also have a hard time remembering appointments but my handy dandy little planner helps me remember things.
I think it's more my anxiety but I have the inability to do more than one thing a day. Seriously, if it's laundry day Bee and I simply cannot go anywhere (other than our daily walk and even then, that's hard) If we have to run out and do errands that's all we can do, then we have to come home and be home bodies. If I'm going to see someone, that's all we can do and home again to be homebodies. I cannot do more than one thing a day. I get incredibly exhausted, it's a lot of work to do one thing a day when you are already so tired and so out of it and so anxious about everything. This makes me a horrible person to make plans with because it may be a week before I have a free day with nothing planned before I can get out. However, I will say, I am getting slightly better at this. For example, today I ran errands and did one load of laundry. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I multi-task really well around the house but when throw in having to run errands or go see people, it's a disaster! I need to plan, I can only plan one thing a day for me to survive.
And the last thing I can think of right now is the inability to leave Bee with anyone. Though, I feel confident leaving her with my husband and mom, but thats the extent. I don't know if its that I have trust issues or it's just PTSD from what happened with Jacob (being left with the doctors who I have no idea what they did) but leaving Bee with someone makes me ill. I'm sure you all remember the YMCA incident. Need I remind you I get physically ill, I cry, I vomit, I shake when I have to leave her with someone, or I should say the thought of leaving her because I have yet to do it. For one thing, I don't care to be away from her. My life isn't all about me, it's about her and yes there are times where I get out by myself to do something I need to or want to and my hubby watches her, or my hubby and I get out for a date when my mom comes to visit and to me that's the only time I need away from her. When you have your dreams shattered twice, when you've been struck by lightning twice, when you've worked so hard, so unbelievably hard to accomplish something (getting Bee here) its nice to sit and wallow in the enjoyment and happiness it brings to your life. There's no reason to run away from it. I cherish every moment I am given with Bee. I know it will fly by so I want to enjoy every minute I possibly can and I truly mean that. I don't want to ship her off to someone else or send to her a bunch of different programs. The best place for her is at home, or out, with her parents, learning through them what the world holds. I know there will come a day when we leave her, but it won't be for awhile. It's going to take huge amounts of effort on my part to even wrap my hear around the idea of me being okay with it.
So thats a day in my life, exhausting isn't it? And people wonder why I don't do much and why I take it easy. It's not easy for me. Life is not easy and on top of that all, I have an 8 month old at home , as if she doesn't keep me on my toes enough. So I ask, please have patience with me. Know that I go through all of these symptoms almost every single day, they are constant and though I am working on things, it will take time. This has been going on for 3 years, every single day for the last 3 years I have lived like this and it's going to take just as long to fix things. I know there are things I am forgetting (one of the side effects) but I just wanted people to know what goes on inside my mind and body when it comes to living with PTSD on a daily basis.
Birthday Bald Eagle by Jessica
I was driving down Wonderland Road in London Ontario on September 5th, 2013. I had just visited my sons Jacob and Ty at Woodland Cemetery. Both my boys passed away as infants and September 5th was Jacob's 2nd Birthday. I saw what I thought at first was a hawk (we always see those) but I then took notice to the white. At first I saw the white tail and thought it was a hawk with a white tail but as I drove by and caught a glimpse of the bird from the side and then head on, it was most certainly a bald eagle. I've never seen one in my 30 years of life in nature (just in zoos) so I just know my birthday boy sent me that bald eagle. It was close to the Greenway pollution plant so I have no doubt it was a bald eagle that I saw.
Thank you Jacob for an awesome birthday gift, I couldn't have asked for anything more special (other then for you to be here)
Oh and I literally stood in Unger's Market for 15 minutes while hoards of women swarmed around Bee to tell me how beautiful, angelic, lovely, doll like she is. One lady even asked to take her picture because Bee took her breath away.
On a day I feel such sadness my heart is also filled with love and joy. I've cried so many tears today but some have been happy. Bee most certainly has made Jacob's birthday a bit easier. It reminds me why we went through everything we did after two great losses. It reminds me why we kept going and trying again. It reminds me of the beauty in life, the stillness certain moments create and the peace you find in the dark.
Today I give myself permission to feel sad. I give myself permission to cry all I want, eat what I want, scream at whatever I want and grieve the short life of my sweet Jacob. For two years ago today, 3 minutes from now, our baby boy was born into this world, his future unknown. We had fought so hard to get him here, we did everything we possibly could think of to give him the best shot and he so strongly fought for 2 1/2 days, to give us a bit of time with our little boy.
Today I will let my mind wander there. Today I will let myself think of every detail I can remember, smell his sweet clothes and the chemical smell from the NICU. Today I will watch his video and listen to music that reminds me of him, even though it makes me sad, today I will be sad. I will wear comfy clothes and eat sweets.
I can't believe it has been two years. Two years ago today I was in the c-section room, they were almost there, ready to bring Jacob out and then, in an instant, our doctor held him up and right now at 11:19am Jacob Tiberius Emmanuel was born. I will never forget his sweet brown eyes. I wish I could have bottled up his smell and recorded his sweet faint cries (which we were told would never happen) I remember laying on the table crying uncontrollably as they took him away to assess him. After a few minutes, Stephen was allowed to go see him. He took pictures and a video and brought them back for me to see. We had to wait two hours in recovery while Jacob was in the NICU and on my way to post partum they wheeled me beside my little boy. His future was unknown but what was known was how loved he was. We shared his journey with so many and that was apparent but the slew of visitors he had in his short life. So many people by his side, he was never left alone. He always had someone there loving on him for his 2 1/2 days of life.
It still seems surreal that everything happened. It seemed so long ago that we found out we were pregnant after burying Ty and then at 18 weeks we found out we'd have another angel. The next 18 weeks were such a rollercoaster with his ups and downs and the unknown. We were blessed to both leave work and spend as much time as we could with him, doing things while we could. It was a sacrifice we had to make and one we will never regret.
Then Jacob was born, he was here, living breathing but very sick. The doctors did everything they could and he was comfortable while we made preparations to say goodbye. We spent day and night with him and even though I was in tremendous pain from my c-section, I was up and by his side as much as I could be. He fought so hard and through every test we learned that it was not looking so good. We had him baptized, photos taken and then we had to make the hardest decision of our life, one I could never say (I told Stephen he'd have to say it) we pulled him off life support and he peacefully slipped away on September 7th.
We have so many good memories, lots of things Jacob used/had and so many photos. Photos that show the love by so many. I am at peace with how loved Jacob was, how much he was cared for by his amazing nurses (Marie and Nancy are the only ones I can remember) Though I still hold a lot of anger towards one doctor, I know Jacob was loved and that's what matters.
So for today, I give myself permission to feel and do whatever I want because for today I will be sad and angry. I will get McDonalds for dinner (we had McDonalds the night Jacob passed away and it's what I woke up wanting) We will get some yummy peach crisp instead of baking a cake because as much as I want to bake a cake for him, this year I can't. I cant do it yet. My energy is elsewhere. This year we bought him a gift and Phoebe will get to open it on her first birthday (she has one from Ty's 1st birthday too)
Happy 2nd birthday Jacob. We miss you so much and you are so very loved. I know you are having an amazing time in Heaven with Ty. We will meet again one day my son.
In honor of Jacob's 2nd birthday and Ty's upcoming 3rd birthday, between now and October 15th we are accepting donations to do something in memory of them. We are going to donate through World Vision and what we donate depends on how much we raise. So to everyone who reads this blog, please consider making a donation in memory of our boys. The link below will take you to our page (which also has our video)