30 Weeks 5 Days: Today we got to see Bee again, well I did, by the time the tech was done, my almost hour was up so Stephen wasn't able to come in. The only reason it took awhile was because we had to wait for breathing. We know at this point if the baby doesn't breathe it's not the end of the world, we are well aware of that but that meant I got to lay there for about 25 minutes and just watch Bee....I tried so hard not to lose it with the tears because it was so bittersweet. Bee's ultrasound went great, I got to see every little part that is Bee, saw some wiggling, kicking, opening hands, couldn't see the eyes or lips as Bee is yet again turned in, but that was okay, I got to see lots. Bee is back to being transverse, was head down last week, so I fully expect Bee to be another C-section, yes I know Bee could still move but I think Bee knows how tough that decision will be so Bee is not going to give us a choice.
Bee is 3lbs 6oz and measuring 16inches long. The tech asked if we had had any steroid shots and I said no and asked why and she said that once Bee started breathing movements they were exceptionally well for a 30 weeker. I told her it must be from all those hiccups, preparing the little lungs for early entry into the world. Bee passed the BPP 8/8, cord flow looks superb and growth is at 30 Weeks (still only 5 days behind but in medical land that is of absolutely NO concern) Everything is still looking great and after a visit with our social worker, my anxiety is a bit better...not by much as it's horrific these days but it did help. We made a plan for me to get in with the psychiatrist now and make a plan in case I have post partum. We are getting other appointments set up as well with our social worker for after Bee is born to make sure I am checking in with a professional outside the home to see if they notice any changes. We decided having this in place was the best option to prevent anything from happening or getting really bad. I am worried about how I may react, on top of the normal emotions and hormones I'll have to deal with grief and possibly post partum so we feel better taking the steps now to get things into place.
We have our next 4 appointments scheduled, going every week now and on our 4th appointment we may very well be admitted, but that's up for discussion at the 3rd appointment. Yes for all that can do math that means I only have 4 weeks until I am in the hospital and only 5 weeks until Bee is possibly here....AHHHHH
Bee waving Hi! The tech kept commenting on how chubby the little fingers were...yahh for chubby fingers! Trying to fatten Bee up as much as possibly. I think Bee will be our biggest baby yet.
This week is not the week to get sick! Stephen had some tummy thing Saturday night, he thought it was from the bad salsa he ate so I thought I was safe.....Sunday night hit and so did an incredible wave of nausea that has yet to leave. That is the only symptom, no fever, no aches, no pains, no cough just feel sick to my stomach. It has been a very hard week to eat but I have had to force myself in small bits and rely on gravol for the night time. I don't know if it is a tummy bug or perhaps nerves but whatever it is needs to go away!
Thankfully we have found enough people to help us move (we will be set and no need for a rental truck) now I just pray that Saturday turns out to be a beautiful day weather wise, there was a 60% chance of rain and it's not dropped to 30% and I'm hoping in a day or to it's 0% with sun, or clouds as long as it is dry I don't care! It will make me feel much better if there is no rain, less stressed for sure!
Tomorrow morning we are off to see Bee, then once a week for a few weeks then twice then every other day then in the hospital. It sounds like a long ways away but really, it's only 5 1/2 weeks (give or take, still need to decide on dates with our doctor) assuming all continues to go well of course. After that it is home to pack some more and thanks to our friend A, we have plenty of boxes and more to come! I officially ran out of boxes today but we picked up some more so while Stephen is at Parish Council, I'll be packing away! My goal is to get the closets emptied tonight and then finish the kitchen tomorrow (minus the fridge, we'll do that after the move) we'll see if I can accomplish that.....given my state of exhaustion these days it's a miracle I can get anything done!
If Bee cooperates tomorrow, I shall have some pictures to post..stay tuned....this journey is getting more interesting as the weeks go by.
Remind me again why we decided to wait until winter and me being 8 months pregnant to move....packing is actually going pretty well, we've taken down a few things to make room to stack the boxes and throwing things in boxes is the easy part. I am getting stressed about the actual moving day though, as of yet we don't have a lot of bodies to help us so I'm hoping some come last minute but the other big factor....mother nature. Yesterday when I looked at the weather there was a sun for both days...now there is a cloud with snow and a chance of flurries. I pray so much that it is sunny, I just want it to be sunny and dry on the 1st then it can snow like no tomorrow on the 2nd but we need one day, just one day is all I ask!
Bee is still doing well, we are 30 weeks now (well 30 and 2) and minus a huge panic attack Friday which almost sent us back to L&D, we are staying semi sane. Yes my definition of semi sane is probably very different than what most would define it as but in our little world of this rainbow pregnancy journey, I'm semi sane. We only have 6-7ish more weeks to go and I have a feeling they may pass by quickly. I know once we get into the new place (assuming we find bodies and the weather cooperates) I will be so busy trying to get everything (or most things) done before Bee gets here. I know things on the walls can wait but it'd be nice to have it all done pre-Bee that way no matter what happens, at least our house is put together.
We get to go see Bee again on Wednesday then once a week after that for my sake. We are also seeing our social worker which it's been too long since the last one and is VERY needed! Not much else going on...just busy packing away..pack pack pack from sun up to sun down this week! Hopefully Bee cooperates and gives us a nice profile shot that I can share. Also interested to see what position Bee is in now as I think Bee has moved yet again.
Last night I had a dream that Bee had red hair, I think the even more impressive thing was I had a dream in which Bee did not die, instead it was when Bee was about a year old and GG and I were sitting on the couch and Bee came toddling over and GG picked Bee up...red hair and all. I can only pray that day does come...
Happy 30 Weeks!!! Excuse the attire, I do not fit into any of my clothes anymore
Yup....the car seat clinic was as horrible as I thought it would be but it's good we went to make sure if we are blessed enough for Bee to come home it's with safety. I just dreaded it and today did not help. I have felt so out of it today, sick to my stomach and feeling like I'm going to pass out at a moments notice. Work has been crazy and I'm just ready to be done with everything. On days I don't feel the best Bee is a lot quieter which makes me a lot more anxious but still passing kick counts.
So the car seat clinic went....so many things they said were stabs to my heart, they kept talking about being first time parents and making rookie mistakes and how to properly adjust the straps and I tried so hard not to break down because all I wanted to do was yell at them that we are NOT first time parents, that we have done this two times now and that they needed to stop saying when baby gets here...we've been there twice, we've done this stupid thing twice and yet we still have no baby. I just wanted them to shut up. I'm so thankful we did not have to wait, we were in and out and back home in no time.
We are now at home and I'm having some toast for dinner and then I'm heading to bed. Yes, 7pm bedtimes are in my near future. I can't stay awake, I'm exhausted (and kind of hoping my TSH test comes back with my levels down so I have an explanation for feeling like poo) but I do only have two more days of work thankfully. I took next week off to pack but I don't know if a lot of it will get done. Perhaps with me not working I will have more spurts of energy throughout the day to pack, if not last minute crap stuffed into boxes it will have to be.
I'm also finding that anytime I eat now my gallbladder has a fit...actually even eating is hard for me. I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat. I have still gained weight though, stuck at 16 lbs, I have 14 more to go in the next 6 weeks to gain what I did with both boys!
Speaking of 6 weeks......ummm what happened to November? We signed our lease for the new place around October 18th and had about 6 weeks to go before we moved and now it's a week away? HOLY MOLY!!!! Gives me hope that these last 6 weeks with Bee will fly by just as quickly. I know the last few days will be the longest days ever but those I can handle since I will be in the hospital. I just pray Bee is okay until then....
And on that note, I'm heading to bed. Hope I wake up feeling better, I need too. I can't go on like this much longer! Of course I will for Bee but it has been tough. I dont like complaining because I know I am blessed to carry life but it has been a very tough long road with many twists and turns and one exhausted mama! I just want Bee here safely in our arms.
Bee has been so great today, in fact most days Bee is great (with the rare exception that requires a visit to L&D) I have been finding that when I start to freak out that I don't remember when Bee moved last and decide to do a kick count, most of the time as soon as I start Bee starts kicking or moving away and pounds out those 10 kicks in some record times. I love this, it is very reassuring to me (which is why the one day when Bee was not moving I was terrified, it's not like Bee).
I'm glad Bee's happy and well because I am not. I have 4 more days of work...4 more days too many! I should have heeded my Dr's advice and went off last Friday but for the sake of EI and not to screw over work I decided to go one more week....it's going to be the longest most painful, hellish week at work. With each day I get more tired and with me being more exhausted I have run out of patience. No patience is not good for working where I work...it's going to be a very rough next few days with many challenges, add on the fact that on Wednesday we have to go to the dreaded car seat clinic but at least I get a massage on Thursday and some goodies from the Bereaved Families bake sale on Friday and then that's it. But tomorrow is only Tuesday, it seems so far away and Tuesdays are notorious for being crappy long drawn out days anyways...this is going to be interesting.
These Braxton hicks have also got worse. I'm sure it has everything to do with the stress but I do need to ask next time because right now I am getting quite a few a day, sometimes not to far apart and sometimes lasting more than a minute the only thing is my stomach is not getting hard like it should. I mean it gets hard but not contraction hard. So I really do not know what is going on other then I am in a lot of pain and last night was the first night they were so bad they woke me up. As long as it doesn't mean Bee will be here sooner then expected (as much as I want Bee out right now while Bee is alive, I know being in me and baking a few more weeks if what is best, no matter how hard that is for me anxiety wise) plus we still have to move....which I am thankful I am off next week so I can get packing because it is non existent at the moment. I always have intentions of coming home and getting a few things packed but I am just too tired. I look forward to 8 or 9 pm because then I can justify going to bed.
Another new symptom, one I had bad with Jacob, itchy belly. Itchy belly leads to scratching which leads to stretch marks and not the pretty kind! It's no wonder I am so tired, between being pregnant and having that, the itching, braxton hicks and hip pain at night do not equate for a good nights rest. So on that note, off to bed I head to try and get in a good amount of sleep..oh did I mention the constant bathroom visits too? But at least Bee and evil duck are doing well.....it's the only thing keeping me going.
Bee and I have been doing okay over the last few days, a lot has been going on! Friday was our ultrasound day followed by a visit with the Dr. The ultrasound went really well but I had so much anxiety going into it and it had nothing to do with Bee. We arrived at 9:15 for our 9:30 appointment and waited....and waited...and waited some more. About 10 couples had left and we still hadn't been called after about 30 minutes. Then, my all time fav tech came out but she called someone else...Booo!!!! We waited about another 10 minutes and then Stabby McStaberson (we all remember her) popped out and I felt my heart stop....but thankfully she called someone else and I thought I was in the clear. We waited another 10 minutes and then Stabby McStaberson came back out and called my name...GASP....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My stomach was already in enough pain I did not need more. I felt like I was going to throw up. Thankfully though, Bee was, for the first time, cooperative and passed the BPP with 8/8 in 5 minutes so we were in and out with no stabs to my stomach! We got to see Bee moving around, breathing, swallowing some fluid and just being Bee. Bee was not in the best of positions for a face shot, as you will see from the pictures below. Also notice that it appears we are having a duck as well. BUT, Bee has started to turn head down. I am at odds with that. In once sense I said I would pray and whatever way Bee ended up would be the way Bee was coming though part of me was hoping Bee would stay Breech so we would not have to decide and it could still change I know this....but I also felt a bit relieved to hear Bee was headed down to the right position...so now we wait and see.
We popped down to See Dr S. afterwords and he was quite pleased with the BPP results. Asked him the few questions we had then discussed work. It was decided that Friday November 23rd would be my last day. My anxiety is horrendous and I need to do everything I possibly can to rid all the extra stress in my life, which included work. He actually said that day (the 16th) could be my last day but I didn't want to leave work in a jam. So one more week (YAH) then I can rest and focus on moving and packing (which is stressful in itself) and most importantly...Bee. I get so distracted at work because we are so busy that sometimes I forget when Bee last moved and then I freak out and can't do much (ie...lie down to get Bee to move) so I suffer until Bee passes kick counts which if I caught Bee sleeping it could take a bit longer which just increases the anxiety. I'm not going to lie, I am very happy to know I have a bit of time off before Bee's arrival and hope Bee stays put until then! It also helps reduce the stress of moving knowing Stephen and I have a good 28 days (estimated hospital admittance is December 28th) to really get a lot done at the new house. I know not everything will be done but the important stuff can be. Actually most if it just involves a lot of drilling and hanging things and decorating (which will probably change as soon as my bro comes to visit and makes it look a million times better for us) But really it's not a whole lot and putting things away won't be too hard and I am really looking forward to it.
Braxton hicks have already started full swing and this being my third pregnancy with everything stretching even more has caused tremendous amounts of pain. They stop me in my tracks they get so bad. I was told to know if they are real contractions or not would be to feel how hard my belly is and even though my belly does get harder during the pain, its not rock hard like it would be with contractions but I am keeping an eye on it.
So our Dr's app went well and I am looking forward to being off work. I just squeaked in enough EI hours so I should NOT have any problems with the hours from before...but we'll see. I do think there will be issues because I am going off on sick leave first before mat leave which I know women do all the time but I bet there will be confusion and issues....
Yesterday we brought our fur boys to the vets for their annual checkup, which they passed with flying colours YAH!!!!! The last thing I need is for another sick kitty. Milo is doing really well on his new gastro food though it is causing allergy problems and a few hair balls but it's better then his stomach having a fit and having him back in the hospital so we'll be staying on it. Charlie has chunked up to 14lbs due to the new food so we'll have to watch how much he eats but other then that, they are both in good health.
Last night we attended our church parish dinner (which is always good) I don't know if you know this but church people really know how to make good food. Bee thoroughly enjoyed all the food we had (and we had a lot) and today we get to enjoy leftovers...yum! We met a few new people and shared the boys with them. I've found that when people ask about our children and we mention the boys their questions stop. I have yet to be asked "what happened" mostly its just, I'm sorry, we'll be praying for you, nothing more. I wish people would ask, I want to share the boys!!!
Today we have church, followed by a quick visit to pick up a few things and then home to focus more on packing. I have a plan for today of where to start since I find that the most overwhelming. We also have to deconstruct some furniture so we have more room to stack boxes. I know it will get done and thankfully now with the extra week off before the move, it really will get done! My job is to pack the boxes, everyone else will move them and then unpack (I'm sure my mommy will help with this) I have a whole sticky note system which should make this work well.
I also have a few small projects I want to try out to decide if I want to do them at the new place or not.....did you know that glass door knobs are considered antiques and therefore come with an antique price? I decided against going with that idea but found something very close to that idea so I want to try it out and see how it will look....I'm sure it'll be another pinterest disaster but hey, you don't know until you try.
Not much going on this week....last week of work, car seat clinic in Wednesday which will be am emotional disaster I am sure, massage on Thursday and lots of packing to come on the weekend. Hoping I am able to make it through the week and that Bee stays well. Each week that passes makes me feel more sick to my stomach. I have lost my appetite (expect for hot chocolate) I'm not sleeping (due to mental and physical reasons) and I'm sure the stress has something to do with these Braxton hicks...but we only have 6 1/2 more weeks until Bee could be here (I know Bee could be here at any moment ) but that is the "talk" date. We won't be setting any date, unless it's a c-section but we won't know that date until a few days before. Right now we have talked about January 3rd-10th so we'll see!
Our Baby to Bee and our little duck we are apparently having as well.
My big ole belly at 29 weeks.
I am generally relieved when I see that an expected baby has made it safely into this world but I'm also jealous and sad that I have yet to have that experience of Joy and wonder if I will ever get it. Some days it seems very doubtful and though I know we are getting closer to Bee's arrival I can't help but feel impending doom. I mean after all, Ty made it to 37 weeks without any indication anything was wrong, who is to say the same won't happen to Bee? I'd like to think the extensive monitoring closer to the end will help but I know it isn't guaranteed.
Bee has been really good, passing kick counts quite fairly and wiggling around. However, the stress of everything is getting the better of me. Thankfully my sleep has not been affected (I still get up about 15 times a night but I'm able to fall right back asleep) But, my stomach cramps are picking up and I have been feeling sick to my stomach with fear. I have still been drinking about a gallon of water a day so I'm able to stay hydrated but I really have no appetite, I really have to force myself to eat. I don't even crave junk food and candy these days seems so unappealing. It's been a challenge but I have still put on some weight, 16lbs to date to be exact. I am trying to reduce as much stress in my life as possible but I can only do so much. I can't leave work for another week or two and this whole moving thing is stressing me out. We can't rent a truck because no one can guarantee we can reserve one for the weekend we need it so I am praying my heart out for good weather so we can just use Stephens uncovered truck. I know it will all get done and I know everything will come together in the end (and before the end of the year or within a few weeks into the new year) but this waiting and anticipating is killer. I am trying to focus on what I can and do what I can but it seems like right now it's not a lot.
Everything is in limbo, everything has been in limbo moving at a very slow pace for over two years now. I just want everything to come together and be able to take one step forward instead of constantly taking 3 steps back. I know stress is not good, I know stress probably is causing these Braxton Hicks but I can't help it. The whole situation of everything makes me nervous. I can only take it one day at a time and remember to breathe.
On top of all of this Stephen received a phone call the other day from a certain unmentionable company that told him he has to pay a huge amount of money (talking a few thousand) before the end of the year. Despite us knowing it is not fair and we really do not have to pay it back right now, we don't even want to go there with the company, I can just see this turning into an EI disaster. So now we are left scrambling with that and the stress of that has been overwhelming but I think we have it figured out. Again, it will take a few weeks and until it is solved I will be stressed.
These days every little thing stresses me out. We had a wall decal in our kitchen I wanted to bring to our new house and my dinning room design was planned around it, however it did not come off the wall in one piece but rather many so it was ruined and it set me off. It's so small and pointless but it has me so stressed. I had this whole idea of what to do in the dinning room that I now have to change (unless I can find the same or similar quote somewhere else which I have been able too just need to get it) and it just adds more stress.
Then there is the whole packing issue. I wake up every day with the intention to come home at night and pack and until about 5 I feel pretty good. Of course I am tired but I think I can get a few boxes packed...then I get home and reality strikes. I am beyond exhausted and can barely lift a finger to eat. Packing gets pushed aside. Tomorrow is November 15th, we move in 15 days, I knew it would sneak up and this weekend is a pretty quiet weekend for us finally and thankfully so I do intend on trying to get a lot of packing done. The other issue with packing is where to put the boxes. Anyone who has been here knows its a small apartment and we can only stack boxes so high. We asked our future landlord if we could start bringing a few things over now to get stuff out of the way and he was fine with it but was going to pro-rate the last few weeks. This wouldn't have been an issue if Stephen did not get that phone call but it's reality now so we have to wait until December 1st. It just means I am going to have to get REALLY creative with stacking boxes.
And of course, pregnancy induced belly itching has begun....I have to remember to try my hardest not to scratch, its how I got really bad stretch marks with Jacob. My hips also are killing me at night though I came to the realization the other day that I am okay with getting up 15 times a nigh. Ty passed away during the night or so we are 99.9% sure he did. During the night is when most babies pass away because the mothers heartbeat lowers and blood pressure can lower too decreasing the blood flow to the cord. If I am up 15 times a night I can get my body back into working order and lay there to make sure Bee is still kicking (which I force myself to stay awake until I get a few kicks from Bee) so I'm okay with it. Yes it makes me exhausted but hey I know Bee is alright.....
We are now off to our Bereaved Families monthly meeting, which I am SO thankful for because it is needed!!!!
On this day of remembrance I'd like you to remember some things. Before I begin though, I want to say today while many remember fallen soldiers I am also choosing to remember their parents as well. As I said on Facebook "On a day when everyone is thinking about all the soldiers who have died fighting for their country, all I can think about are their parents. The pain of losing a child is unimaginable to any other pain and I only can think of what today is like for them. Sending lots of love to all the parents of men and women who have died serving their country. Not only do others remember your children but there are many of us who remember you as well.
Now that the seriousness is out of the way, I have some body issues I want to address.
Firstly, you are not a professional athlete, there is absolutely NO reason why you needed to pull your groin. In fact, you have made it through two pregnancies before and 28 weeks into this one with no issues but no, when your body is required to do more work the next few weeks due to moving, you decided a groin pull would work well with it. I now not only waddle due to my large belly but because my crotch hurts like a mother. This issue also really does not work well with packing and moving so you better heal yourself quickly.
Secondly, on Sunday mornings we do this wonderful ritual called SLEEPING IN. I'm sorry you do not understand what sleeping in means, clearly demonstrated by this mornings wake up time. See the weekends are spent catching up on sleep which means you generally sleep in later then you would during the week. I know during the weekdays we are up at 7 but please know that getting up on the weekends at 6 and 6:30 am is NOT acceptable. It's not called Get Up Before You Usually Do, no it's called SLEEPING IN.
Thirdly, in case you weren't aware, you are only 28 weeks along....Braxton hicks should NOT start until much closer to Bee's date because they are killer and if they've already started, you are going to have some VERY long next 7 weeks!
Lastly, I know you are going through many changes, but you've been there before...twice. Take a hint, you've done this I know you are capable of doing this. Please stop being so tired, this packing needs to get done and it can't do itself while I am in an exhaustion coma on the couch. Also, again I know there are many changes, but please during the night just chill, I can handle the pain and everything else during the day but at night I really need my sleep.
I appreciate your flexibility with going through another pregnancy this soon after the first two but we got to get on the same page! Also, please continue to protect Bee and do everything in your power (and God's) to get our little one here safe, alive, healthy and well. I also appreciate all your efforts thus far and we only have 7 more weeks to go.
Perhaps if you do the above, I will be nice enough to treat you to another massage.....pfft who am I kidding, it's already booked!
Our 28 week scare
After Ty died we sought out help in the form of a counselor. We actually were seeing a social worker and a counselor. When we found out about Jacob's diagnosis, we went back to the counselor and started seeing a new social worker. After Jacob died we continued seeing our social worker and I started seeing another new counselor. When we found out we were pregnant with Bee we continued seeing our social worker, whom we absolutely love. Every time I go see her and get to talk I feel better. She has been a God send to us to help us through Jacob's journey and now this journey with Bee. As much as we are thankful for her, the best therapy we have had is Bereaved Families. I strongly urge anyone who is going through a tough situation, whether it be the loss of a spouse or a parent, reach out to those in your situation. I cannot express how much being around families who have had stillbirths and infant loss has helped us through. In fact I will say that if it were not for them we would be a lot worse off. These are people that have come into our life at such a tragic time but in the midst of that darkness love has grown. We have all become family. I really truly feel these people are part of our family. It's a family you never want to be a part of, but once you belong, you are so thankful.
I bring this up now because I went out to lunch with one of our friends (whom we met through Bereaved Families) Sweet Penelope's mom. Someone who has been such a tremendous help for us, someone we cannot imagine our lives without. I’m going to get teary eyed because I love this person so damn much, just like all of our infant loss family. As most know, I have been having a lot of anxiety lately, I mean A LOT and I know it won’t get much better but after lunch today, I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s not like I’m clueless, I know we have great support, but to just talk to someone and realize I am not alone, we are not alone on this journey, so many people are a part of it, it makes the burden of all this anxiety lessen a little. Just to sit and talk with someone who has walked our path, to hear my fears come from them, to let me know I am not alone. To talk about my fears and have reassurance that they are completely normal and that so many others have taken this path and felt the same things. I think the thing today that really helped was hearing about the afterwards, the possibility of bringing a baby home. It’s not something I talk about a lot but I am terrified about Post Partum, it scares me to the core. How do I handle such grief and sorrow with such joy and happiness? What will I feel, how will I react? Will I have bad thoughts and feel guilt? I don’t know because I have not been there, but I cherish so those that have and talk to me about it. To know what to expect (even just an insight as I know everyone is different) and to know what I think I may feel does happen but that it’s okay. To have the guidance of people before me is going to be just as tremendously helpful as having the guidance of those before me who had babies die.
There’s so much more to bringing Bee home then being a first time parent. We have all of that, if we are so blessed to bring Bee home, but to parent a child after a loss is quite a different journey. I know it will not be easy, I know there will be challenges and it’s because we have people in our life who we cherish so much who have been there. They tell it how it is and don’t sugar coat things. That is what I need to hear, I need to hear about the fears and thoughts and how when a baby passes each milestone how that will affect my grief. How do I learn to cope with the sorrow and joy if we get there? I am scared, I don’t know how to handle any of this but what I do know is I am not alone and I have some amazingly strong women in my life to look up to and learn from, not only as a first time mom and being a mom in general but being a mom to rainbow children. I don’t know what that journey will hold and as scared as I am, today I realized I will not be walking this journey alone. The boys have put some amazing people in our life to help us through. People I cannot imagine our lives without. Regardless if Bee makes it or not, knowing these people will not let me destroy myself and will be there to help us through whatever the outcome may be, it’s indescribable.
So thank you V for lunch today, it may just seem like it was lunch and a good chat but you really made me feel, I can’t even describe it. I just feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders and to realize I have some amazing women in my life who will be there for me either way to help me through, I don’t feel as crazy, I don’t feel as alone. I’m still a blubbering mess of tears and fear and will be, but it really helped to have that reassurance today.
The best therapy has been with those who have walked in our shoes. I encourage anyone having a hard time to seek out those in similar situations, though no one is alike, it has helped us tremendously. I just can’t ever thank these people enough for all they have done for us and all they continue to do for us and I can’t imagine my life without them. They are one of the boys greatest blessings. And I’ve known that all along but to sit and hear how things really are today, it helped more than any counselor could ever help. I just feel so indescribable at the moment but in a good way.
28 Weeks: I actually started writing this blog a few days ago and then it accidentally got deleted...which after 45 minutes and pouring my heart out made me cry (note to self, do not write on your lunch hour in case things like this happen, crying at work is not a good thing) Anyways, I will attempt to capture my raw emotions again.
28 weeks is a HUGE milestone for us. Sure to some it is just a part of the 3rd Trimester (which according to our Dr starts at 27 weeks) but for us, for me in particular it is HUGE. See 28 weeks is the furthest I have let myself think about this pregnancy. I have not thought past this week because I knew we may not even be guaranteed that. But it is here now and I am scared. I am terrified. We now have to start talking about some decisions, some I rather not talk about at all but I know for Bee's sake and our sake, it has to be done. Of course that means thinking beyond 28 weeks about what the future may bring and the dread that comes with a "birth plan", I never really liked the word birth plan anyways because most of the time they get thrown out the window. I do understand why the doctors and nurses would like to know what we want, but like I've said before, get the baby out and keep both of us alive and I don't care how it is done. I really don't. Our Dr is really pushing for a VBAC....but we'll see.
I haven't thought about it, instead I have been praying about it. If Bee turns head down then I will take that as a sign that that's how Bee is arriving. If Bee stays any other way, it will be a c-section. The problem is that decision will not be made until pretty much a few day before Bee arrives and we don't have a date set yet. Ty turned between 36-37 weeks (which ultimately took his life so I'd like Bee to stay whatever way is safe) and Jacob turned between 35-36 weeks so our babies are known to turn late in the game making a prediction quite hard.
I won't let myself think about Bee, I don't think about giving birth, I don't think about what Bee may look, smell or sound like. I don't picture bringing a baby home in the car or putting a baby in the crib. I don't think about being up all night due to a crying baby or rocking Bee in the rocking chair. I just don't think about anything Bee related. The only thing we have done to prepare for Bee specifically will be to get the car seat checked and I have set up a nursery. The nursery is more out of guilt though because the boys never really had a place of their own and I wish they did, so really it's more for me right now.
I am so incredibly fearful, I cry so easily at everything because I am so vulnerable right now. I am terrified to lose Bee; it scares me to know what I may do or how I may react if Bee dies. It also scares me to think about bringing a baby home and 28 weeks is reality. Bee could be here any day now. It’s the reality that is scaring me, the fear, the terror of the unknown. How will this pregnancy end up? Will we finally get our rainbow or fall even deeper into grief.
No matter how much I try to just breathe and give it to God the fear is creeping up and I know nothing will settle it until Bee is safely in my arms. Until then I hold on for dear life because it's all I can do. I am truly thankful we are moving as it will keep me busy the next few weeks and I know 8 weeks may sound like a lot, but they are going to be here before we know it. I go every two weeks until 32 weeks then once a week to 35 then I'm in the hospital around Christmas, then it's New Years and then Bee's here. Its all so very overwhelming and it terrifies me. I am just so scared and so emotional eight now. I really don’t know how I will make it these next 8-9 weeks (or even a bit longer depending on what our doctor decides) I guess it also depends on how Bee does over the next few weeks. We get scans every two weeks (though I may ask to increase it to everyone due to the below issue) and if anything starts to appear, decisions will have to be made. I think decisions also scare me because I don’t trust myself and I don’t know what is best for our baby. It is all just so terrifying and scary.
At the same time, I am trying to get excited but I simply can’t. We finally have names picked out, well I should say I have names picked out, just have to get hubby on board as he has his own idea of names. It seems like a simple decision but it’s not. Every decision is hard, it seems like they all come with risks. The time is here though, we have hit 28 weeks and now we need to start getting some things together. Car seat clinic on the 21st, which scares me. Having to get a hospital bag ready because Bee can be here at anytime all the while, packing and moving and unpacking. It’s all very overwhelming but I can only pray it is all worth it.
LandD Trip #2
So in addition to all the emotions caused by week 28 being here, Bee decided to give us another scare. I have been paying attention to Bee’s movements ever since I started feeling them. I started actually tracking at about 24 weeks as Bee had established a pattern that early on. Yesterday I noticed Bee’s pattern was off, I mean WAY off. In fact the morning kick count took 1 ½ hours to complete and the evening was over 2 hours. This is NOT Bee, the most Bee has taken before was 40 minutes so I was to say the least VERY concerned. On top of all of that, I have been having severe stomach pains the last few days. They come and go quickly but they take my breath away when they happen. Needles to say last night at 8 I made the decision that we needed to head to L and D.
I’ll admit, one reason I am so apt to go to L and D whenever I feel anything is slightly wrong is because I have an incredible amount of guilt that I did not go with Ty when I felt something was wrong and even though we don’t know, it may have saved his life had I just gone so the decision to go comes a bit easier, though it is still very hard. I don’t like to go, I wish I didn’t have to go and that Bee was moving well but that was not the case. I needed the reassurance and I needed to go in case anything did happen that I would not have more guilt.
The car ride there was a nightmare. Bee was not moving, had failed kick counts and now we were on our way. I was scared it was too late. See the other thing about going to L and D is the fear of hearing that it’s too late, that Bee is gone already, of which I really felt last night. I kept praying for a kick on the way to the hospital but nothing.
We arrived at the hospital and were admitted right away. The first few minutes we’re very scary. I had not felt Bee kick and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. I held my breath for a few minutes until they finally picked it up. It was perfect. In fact most of the time we were there it was perfect, it dipped to 110 once but the majority was 140-150. They gave me the good old button to press when I started to feel and movement and like I had predicted, as soon as we got in and hooked up, Bee became very active. The entire time we were there Bee was kicking up a storm and hasn’t stopped since (thank God)
We were told the plan was NST for a bit and then an ultrasound. Well that was at 8pm….at about 10 pm and sore fingers from holding the monitor down and pressing the button they came in to tell us it would be just a bit longer. Finally at 12 am the resident doctor came in, asked some questions and brought in the ultrasound machine. The 4 hours of waiting were worth what we saw next….our little Bee so perfect in every way. The doc did a BPP but because she wanted to see some practice breathing it took about 20 minutes. I did not care, we sat there and watched Bee. We watched Bee yawn, swallow some fluid, kick, wave little fingers around and breath….it was totally worth all the waiting to see our little one. I got teary eyed and tried so hard not to lose it, the feeling s came back. The feel of impending doom set in. I prayed for God to keep our little one safe. I can’t go through losing another baby, I just can’t. Bee has to be okay and last night Bee was perfect. A part of me wants Bee out now because I know babies born at 28 weeks can survive, given with complications and the possibility of death but right now Bee is alive. The other part wants Bee to stay in me for a few more weeks to give Bee the best possible chance but I fear with each week passing, we may lose Bee. Bee may die like Ty and Jacob.
After the ultrasound they decided to do the dreaded Fetal something or other test, to see if I was at risk for going into labor. It again came back negative but I am being refereed back to the Colposcopy clinic due to a Polyp on my cervix. I’m not too concerned as I had these with Ty and they cleared up after he was born and I was just at the clinic at the beginning of the year and was perfectly fine, nothing was even there to biopsy but the issue lies with them not knowing what it is. They can check but they can’t do a biopsy due to me being pregnant, however it may just mean Bee is automatically a c-section which is kind of what I prefer anyways. It’s not the end of the world for us (that happens December 21st don’t forget)
So all in all, L and D trip # 2 was another success and the doctor told us anytime I need to come in to be reassured, do NOT hesitate. They know my history and they understand and most nurses will be nice. We actually had one of the nurses we had when I was in antenatal with Jacob, though she didn’t ask about him. She also happened to be pregnant and we heard them out in the hall all giddy and again, all I wanted to say was, not all babies make it some die. But it is not my place to ruin someone’s pregnancy parade and I am sure working in L and D they know better. Anyways, our little drama king/queen has already made me get a few grey hairs and we have 8-10 weeks before he/she gets here…I am positive there will be some more L and D updates….I just pray each time is with great results. Oh and I did have some small contractions while there….yup going to be a long 8 weeks but seeing Bee last night just reminded me why we chose to try once more and go through this crazy rollercoaster.
I really miss the joy of pregnancy, I wish I had some sense of it but I forget what its like. I have a few friends or at least acquaintances that are pregnant and are on my Facebook so I see their updates. I'll admit, it makes me jealous to see their happiness and innocence of pregnancy, preparing, grandparents getting ready to spoil grand-kids and all I can think is "I hope your baby doesnt die". I'd never say that to someone but I think it all the time. I wonder what it is like to have that happiness, I forget so easily. Maybe joy isn't the right word as I do feel joy that I am pregnant but it really lacks the innocence and naiveness. I then get an over whelming urge to find the NILMDTS numbers for the photographers in all the areas they live in, just in case. I feel like I am nervous ans anxious for them since they clearly lack any awareness of the tragedies that can come with pregnancy. I feel like I need to be on stand by in case something does go horribly wrong. I mean it's what I live for now, to help others through pregnancy and infant loss.
Bee and I are still sick. The sore throat is starting to disappear but it has been replaced with a nasty cough and stuffy nose. Last night was a rough night (and my poor hubby suffered as well but he got smart and went to the other room) The worst part of it all (other then having felt like crap for a week) my ligaments have really been stretching due to this being my 3rd pregnancy and if you've had ligament pain, you know the pain. While when you have a cold and you are constantly coughing the pain is intense. I felt like someone kept stabbing me in my sides. There were many tears of pain cried last night but the beauty in all the pain.....I got to lay awake for hours just feeling Bee wiggle away so I was giving herim some love and praying to fall back asleep.
Last night we went to our future house to get measurements and some pictures (of which my husband has been demoted from taking pictures due to the blurriness) but it was nice to have measurements so I can start thinking of where to put things. The kitchen, dinning room, guest bedroom/office, Bee's Nursery and the bathroom have all been done, meaning I know where to put everything. However, the living room and master bedroom are posing to be a problem. Mainly the master bedroom because of where the heat vent is but the living room will be tricky. Ill have to recruit my mom and brother for help with that.
I'm glad I go to the doctors next week because I think my irritable uterus has started up again, it's either that or the penicillin, I guess I'll know in a few days if it is the meds as I am done in two days. Either way, I have had some major tummy cramping (but no belly getting hard) so we shall see. I do remember this with Jacob but not until after 30 weeks though it is the same feeling but only the doctor can tell.
Now it is time to go watch the election results, I did my part!
On this day of your life, Jessica, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time to start living in the present.Letting go of the past is not easy, especially if you have wounds that have never properly healed. But, the past is past and living there may be preventing you from fully experiencing the present. Likewise fear of what may be looming around the corner can also prevent you from fully enjoying the present. Live in the moment and look forward to eternity with God, now that's a great present.
I found this message to be very fitting. I mean it really hits it on the dot for me. I do live in the past a lot and I surely have not healed and think that a part of me never will. But having both Ty and Jacob die has also taught me to really live in the moment and that's what we do. That's how we have handled this pregnant, day by day, week by week. We don't plan to far a head because the future is really unknown and there really is only so much we can do. But I cannot help the fear I have about Bee's outcome, that is something I have to live with no matter how much I give to God I will have fear about what will happen to Bee, given our circumstances it is expected but I wouldn't say it is fully keeping us from living today. To be honest, right now we are planning for a future just a month or two away and it does not include Bee. We are making plans to welcome Bee too but it's not completely based around hermin. Whether Bee makes it here alive and well and gets to come home to us is not really up to us, there are things we can do to make that the best possible chance but it is not guaranteed so we do live in the moment with what we have and what we can do. We can choose where we live and we made the choice to go ahead and move for the better of our lives, with or without Bee it is a step we had to take.
As scary as the step is we know it is needed for both of us. The future is scary but if anything, the past has taught us that no matter how scared we are there will always be blessings and always be positives even in the most tragic of circumstances. I do look forward to our future, I have no idea what is in store for us but we are taking the steps, as scary as they are, to make sure we limit our fears. We really do try to live in the moment since we know that is all that is guaranteed.
The wedding today was a really enjoyable celebration of love and many laughs. We had a great time and may I add the pumpkin cheesecake was simply to die for!!!! Mmm...so good. I got all fancied up again (lucky husband, twice in one year, let alone one week!) and off we went. I forgot the Kleenex so, like most moms, my sleeve was pretty wet. It was a beautiful ceremony, a nice sunny drive to the reception, some yummy treats before lunch, some yummy lunch followed by yummy cheesecake. Bee has had a good food day! Now if we can only decide what to do for dinner and by how we are feeling it may be a pizza or mac and cheese night!
Speaking of how we are feeling, I still feel like crap. I think the strep is going away but something else deep in my lungs is replacing it. I really should have stayed off work at least Thursday and probably Friday. We are home now to rest and after church tomorrow I plan on resting most of the day. Its' been almost a week now and I can kick whatever this is, penicillin and all. Even if I did have strep throat I may have something else that is viral that the penicillin wont help so I'm really hoping a day of rest tomorrow will really help! If not I fear another day or two of work will have to be missed. But, only a few more weeks and then I can rest at home as much as possible, help Bee grow as much as possible and stay as stress free as possible (all while decorating the new house, but that will be fun not stressful, unless I can't figure out how to make it comfy and homie but I have my mom to help with that)
We did get some pictures of us today but other people took them so it'll be awhile before we can post them. And on that note, back to resting with my hot cup of coca.
We have made it to 27 weeks (ahh that means 28 is next week) and we are officially, according to my doctor, in the 3rd Trimester. Let me just say the start of the 3rd Trimester has not been quiet. I have been having a very difficult time lately. My anxiety is really starting to come out in full force. This week has been a wreck and maybe partly due to the fact that I am sick does not help but I cannot seem to get out of this funk. We have so much to look forward too (even if Bee doesn't make it) and I should be so happy but all I feel is sadness. Maybe I realize what we are missing as the dreaded holiday season approaches. I do know I have a lot of guilt about a lot of things and perhaps that is leading to some of these feelings. I can't pinpoint it (if someone can let me know) but I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.
One big difference I've noticed with this pregnancy is I have been sick a lot (non-pregnancy related sickness) With the boys I was sick but it was all pregnancy related minus a cold or something I only had once with each of them. This time though, I keep getting colds and now strep throat and it just won't end. It sure does a number on me when I am already exhausted from being pregnant on top of all these illnesses. This pregnancy is really wearing on me. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful and know how blessed I am to even be pregnant but I'm not going to lie, this one has been tough (and I'm sure it has mostly to do with the emotions, anxiety and fear and how exhausting that has been) I'm sure it will just get worse as we approach Bee's delivery date and have to start making decisions about the delivery. I'm sure it will get worse even as our monitoring increases. I know it will just get harder and I can only do so much to make sure I can survive. Like I mentioned before, I will be off work earlier then we had planned, it's really wearing me down right now, causing a lot of unnecessary stress and unhappiness. But I must push on for Bee....
Something else that really threw me off today...the dreaded benefits sign up...though I stuck to my decision and when she asked if I had any dependents I said, just my husband and we were in the clear. Belly was hidden behind a sweater and a desk and tattoos were covered up. I thought we would be good...but no, no we were not. We were going over all the benefit coverage and we got to life insurance. She told me how much my dependents would get if anything happened to me and then she turned the page and there it was.....if anything happens to my dependents. I was hoping because only Stephen is my dependent she wouldn't say anything but of course she had to. Her exact words were "So if you have a child and your child dies you get $5000" How I kept my shit together I don't know. I did have some watery eyes after she left. It was a stab to the heart. Trust me lady I know, I've been in that situation....I have had a child die, in fact I've had two children die (though we didn't get money) but here I thought we were going to get this done and over with and I'd be fine....not so much. At least I have a crap ton of nice benefits to use until years end...massages here I come!!!!
Tonight is an early bed night, besides the exhaustion we have to get up and head to a 10 o'clock wedding. We are both really looking forward to it, actually a lot! It's in town so I won't have anxiety about being away from the boys and we get to spend some time with some of our baby loss families during a happier time. But I must do my part in getting ready tonight so I can sleep sleep sleep! Oh and then come home and pack some.
Well it's only two weeks late but tomorrow I get to sign up for benefits at work. Normally one would be excited about this but for a baby loss mama, it's a train wreck of an emotional mess. It all has to do with one simple little question.....do you have any dependents? Well yes as a matter of fact I do. I have two boys who still rely on me to mother them even though they are not here. Sure they won't need health coverage but they are still my dependents though, in terms of benefits, no I do not have dependents. It's one of those kick you in the gut when you are already down and out. It's a reminder of what should be and what isn't. A reminder that to most of the world, Ty and Jacob simply did not exist and do not exist even though they are still very much a huge part of our lives and always will be. It's our sad reality.
So tomorrow I will have to walk into that room with the hugest fake smile on my face, clearly pregnant and expecting and knowing there are going to be questions. There are going to be questions about Bee and any other children and for the sake of making it through an already rough week, as guilty as I feel, I'm going to fake it tomorrow and not mention the boys. I simply cannot put myself through that. Not this week, not right now. The guilt is horrendous but the emotional train wreck it could cause tomorrow, I just can't do it right now. Of course if the lady sees my tattoos and asks then I will have to delve into some details but I really hope it can be done and over with in a very quick matter.
This whole strep throat shenanigans has got me down and out. My throat is starting to feel better (thanks to the Penicillin) but what most do not realize is that strep throat is not just a sore throat. It takes over your whole body. You are left weak with no energy and sore and tender. It's like the flu without the bodily fluids (though there is excessive nose fluids) but the way it brings you down is killer. I'm already having problems with being exhausted as is just from being pregnant and now this.....I don't know how much longer I can handle having to work either. It's really too much for me right now. I will of course continue to push on as I usually do because I'm stubborn like that but I have a feeling I may be at home resting a lot sooner then we expected. If I can just hold out until Stephens hours pick up at work we'll be okay.
On top of all of that...this moving thing is going to pick up very quickly. Our landlord is starting to show our place which means it has to be in somewhat decent shape (we do want him to be able to rent it) and we are hoping we can move a bit sooner then planned so on we go!
Speaking of which it's cleaning time because someone is coming by tomorrow....they better not take long because I plan on going to bed at 7..no joke! We have a wedding to get up and attend on Saturday.
I know it's a day late but that's how a pregnant and sick mama rolls....Happy belated Halloween from our 3 little pumpkins.