As I sit here and think back on 2013, I am happy that I finally get to write a year review filled with such wonderful things. I think most of you can guess what the biggest addition and best thing to ever happen to us was......BEE!!!! Surprised? No, I know you aren't. Hands down, that little girl has been the, I can't even really find the words to describe how amazing she is. She has truly given us our life back. We still have cloudy days but so many days are now filled with sun. She has changed us, she has helped us grow, she has given me a kind of love I never knew was imaginable. She just rocks.
Secondly, I set out to do something big for the boys Birthdays this year. I planned on raising money to donate to World Vision between September 5th and October 15th (their birthdays) We were blessed to be able to donate 2 goats, 1 sheep, 2 hens and a rooster, 2 piglets and 10 fruit trees.
However, as big as that was, Ty and Jacob had something else up their sleeve. As I sit and write this, I am still dealing with viral post #2. It wasn't as big as the first one, but it was still pretty big. When I posted my story on Birth Without Fear, I did it really for me. I never in a million years imagine it would have went viral. As of today, my post has over 850,000 likes, 250,000 shares and 76,000 comments. Our video has over 250,000 views and I have thousands of messages (of which I am still trying to read through) .
Thanks to our story going viral, we got to experience the trip of a lifetime. We were contacted by the producers at The Doctors TV Show who wanted to fly us out to California to appear on the show. The trip was simply amazing. As scared, terrified and horrified at the thought of flying was, I am glad I forced myself to get on that plane because we needed it. We needed to be away with no responsibilities for a few days. California was beautiful, it was overwhelmingly refreshing. Bee adjusted to the time change well, as did we. She pretty much rocked the entire vacation just hanging in her Mei Tai. We indulged in some delicious food, saw some amazing sights and had a great time filming our episode of The Doctors and meeting everyone there. It was also very neat to see our episode air on the TV. Still feels like it didn't happen but the memories and pictures are there. We'd like to go back.
Thanks to the Doctors TV show, we also received a 5 night 6 day stay in Riviera Maya at a 5 diamond resort. We plan on taking our trip either in the spring or fall.
After working hard for a year and a half, Stephen also received a much deserved promotion. He went from being an assistant to a property manager. He loves his job and does so well at it. I am very proud of him and all his hard work to provide for this family.
Then there was the onslaught of beautiful Rainbow babies being born starting with Bee and ending with Miss C. In total there were 7 rainbow babies born this year from our most recent bereaved families group. All arrived healthy and are doing well. We were blessed to become godparents to little mister A.
We officially celebrated a year in our new apartment. It was truly a much needed move and we are so happy in our new home. Not only does it feel like a home but it has a washer and dryer, no mouse issues, it has heat and no deadly stairs! Plus the added bonus of being in an amazing location and a dishwasher. I have become quite fond of our neighbourhood and discovered some yummy local markets close to us.
I've also been able to lose most of the baby weight. I have conquered Bee's and Jacobs and have a bit left over from Ty. I didn't force myself to do anything I didn't want to, just watched what I ate and got out for almost daily walks with Bee (which right now winter sucks so it's been hard)
As blessed as we have been, we've had our struggles as well. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and GAD in July. I have been trying to get on the path of healing but have found it very difficult until we took matters into our own hands. But, due to limited finances, we had to discontinue that and now I wait to get in to see a specialist but it will take time (I love free health care, but it does come at the cost of time sometimes).
I did however, discover acupuncture which has been a blessing. It truly helps my PTSD and GAD and allows me to keep them under control. This is one thing I have to keep up and thankfully, I found a place that pay is based on what you can afford so I will be able to continue my much needed treatments. I do highly recommend acupuncture to anyone who has anxiety. I hate needles but I was willing to try anything and now I simply am addicted to it.
Due to my inconsistency in care, at the present time I am unable to return to work. I am thankful my husband understood that I could not return and though we are now going to be on one income come January (and scrambling to figure out how to make ends meet) we know it will work because we will make it work, somehow. We've survived the last three years and we'll survive the next three years.
Only have one major hiccup for this year, Id say it was an amazing year. Stephen and I have decided that 2014 will be about us, not only as a couple but as individuals. I'm excited to see what 2014 brings, I just hope it doesn't bring homelessness with it.
Happy New Year to you and yours from me and mine
How was our Christmas? Well if I'm being bluntly honest, it sucked. I did not enjoy it nor did Bee. I cant pinpoint why it sucked, but it did. Perhaps it was the fact that Bee was up from 1-5am Christmas morning so we were both exhausted. Perhaps we decorated too early so it seemed like just another day. Perhaps it was because we were celebrating a holiday we had avoided for three years. Perhaps it was because Ty and Jacob died and weren't here to celebrate. Perhaps it was because I made breakfast and no one ate it. Perhaps it was because I want to start traditions but it seemed silly to do a few with Bee being so small. Perhaps it was because we stayed in on Christmas Day. Perhaps it was because my parents weren't around. Perhaps it was because Bee is still so young the joy of Christmas wasn't shinning through.
Whatever the reason, it sucked. It sucked so much that Christmas Day eve, I took down all our Christmas decorations and packed them away. Though, I will admit, this was partly done because I am preparing for Bee's 1st birthday and just wanted everything down.
So it's over and done. On we go. We are now preparing for a 1st birthday up in here, excited? Well no not really. Happy? Yes, happy and thankful we finally get to celebrate a first birthday. I am making all her decorations and we are ordering some food. Having a few people over a few days after her birthday and on her birthday it will just be us three because I'll be crying, all day long. Crying and sobbing, thinking about a year ago and how amazing this last year has been. How much my daughter has given me my life back. At least I know her birthday won't suck.
Celebrating Boxing Day (we stayed in our jammies all day on Christmas, tradition number one was a success) Matching ladies. Yes I like to dress to match my daughter sometimes because I can.
My Christmas wish for all of you is to survive this holiday season. Remember to be gentle with yourself, take time to remember and cherish the babies you cannot hold in you hands but rather hold in your heart. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you and will understand your tears and sadness. Don't expect much of yourself and don't push yourself beyond what you are comfortable doing.
Stephen and I did not participate in Christmas at all for the last three years. Even this year with Bee here, it's still hard. It was so easy to ignore Christmas. We avoided the grocery stores and the blaring of Christmas music. We didn't go out at night to avoid seeing all the lights. We rarely got on Facebook, we didn't buy presents, we just treated Christmas like any other day. It's what we had to do to get through. Yes, there were family members who didn't understand but they were the least of my worries.
When you have a child that dies, most people don't understand. Most people will say you should still be thankful for this or that and blah blah blah. People will say hurtful things. People will do hurtful things because they do not understand. Family, friends or not. When you are already so vulnerable and hurting, do what you feel you have to, which should never be about pleasing other people. This time of year can be torture. Surrounded by so much joy can be overwhelming. Don't feel you have to do things because that's what people do. Don't feel you have to do thing because people tell you, you should.
Spend the day in bed, eat as many chocolate chip pancakes as your heart desires, cry, sob, scream, do whatever you have to do to make it through the holidays.
I can say, there will come a point where holidays aren't as torturous but the first few are hard. You can wear the fake smile at a later date but for now, allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't feel pressured to be happy or joyful or excited because when your child dies, nothing is joyful or happy.
I'm typing this as I am watching the Michael Buble Christmas special and what song are they singing? Silent Night. The most gut wrenching song a parent with a child who has died can hear. Brings me right back to the first Christmas after Ty died. We decided to attend church, not sure why, it wasn't the best decision but we went. I paged through the bulletin and was so relieved to see that Silent Night was not on the list of songs to be sung. Little did I know, our organist decided to play it anyways and as that song started, I began to sob. I just let the tears flow, as I am now. Silent night, sleep in heavenly peace. Yes my dear Ty and Jacob, sleep in Heavenly peace. Sigh.....
Sleep in heavenly peace all you little angels. May you give your parents the strength to make it through the holidays.
There seems to be the need to compare loss in the world of the bereaved and I don't understand why people do it. Yes, I've had two full term losses but please don't ever lessen your loss because your baby was only 7 weeks. No matter what point in your pregnancy you experienced your loss, don't ever say, oh I was only a few weeks in, or thankfully I was only a few weeks in. Validate it, feel those feelings. No matter if you've had one miscarriage at 4 weeks, 10 miscarriages between 2-16 weeks, a fatal diagnosis in utero, a stillborn, a neonatal death, a child who died when they were a toddler, teen or even young adult. Loss is loss and my full term losses could be just as devastating as your 4 week miscarriage. I don't like the comparisons, I rather we just surround each other in love and support. The moment you found out you were pregnant you already loved that child. You already wanted that child, though you may not have felt it yet, it was there.
No matter if you had the chance to hold your child in your hands or only your heart. They were and still are your children, don't ever down play that. I don't understand why we feel we have to judge loss and it surely does not need to exist at such a fragile time. No one loss is greater than another, though you may feel that way. I've had countless people tell me my loss was something they could never imagine getting through, that they are blessed to have only had one loss. Yes, people have told me they are thankful and have been blessed to only have one loss and all I can say to them is that their loss was just as significant as my loses.
Please don't ever lessen your loss, please validate your feelings no matter what kind of loss you experienced. We are all here to love and support each other and there should be no judgement on when your loss occurred.
As for asking me how we got through it a second time (which many say they never could) we got through it like we did the first time, because we had to. We didn't have a choice, we had to take what we were dealt with head on. I can say, having been through it twice seems to have given a lot of people hope and faith and I am thankful that my heartache has provided healing in others. I don't want Ty and Jacob's deaths to be in vain so however they see fit to let their legacy live on through helping others, we are along for the ride.
But tonight, lets all take a moment to validate ALL loss. No matter what it may be, how far along you were, how many times it has happened, let's not pass judgement and instead, let's just love.
It's really cold where I live and snowy. When I say snowy, there has already been two major snow storms, first one we received 4 feet of snow (no lie) second was about 3 feet. Weather like this makes me look at our California pictures a lot. The warmth of the sun, the softness of the sand, the peacefulness of the waves gently splashing ashore and the smell of the best veggie burger this chick has ever had! I've looked at our Cali pics a lot and I can't stop looking at them because not only does it remind me of a great adventure but for the first time in 3 years my smile is real. It is genuinely real. It's like looking at someone I don't know and admiring their smile. It wasn't fake, I didn't have to force it, it just came naturally. The joy and excitement in my eyes was pure. For a moment in time we were allowed to live. We truly did live it up while we were there and I'm so thankful we had the opportunity to do so.
I know I haven't posted the blog but uploading the pictures takes a very long time and I have so much else to write about right now. I promise I'll get it done shortly but for now, this snip it will have to do. Being in California was refreshing, it was a much needed escape from reality for us. I love looking at the pictures because I see me. I see a part of the old me, the one who knew how to smile and mean it. I see the enjoyment I was experiencing, living life to the fullest. We may be back and continuing to struggle, but for those 5 short days, we were free. We were allowed to be. I cherish the pictures because it allows me to see that it is possible to enjoy life again. It reminds me that with time we will figure it out and get back on track. The people in those pictures were living life, even if only for a short time, it was a huge step in the right direction. Every time I look at those photos, that smile creeps back and tears well up in my eyes because I remember how amazing it felt. It gives me motivation to keep going so I can feel that way more often.
This is just one of the many pics (we took 800) That smile is real! I love it. I love that moment.
I received a question I decided to blog about. The question was "did you find it difficult to be around your pregnant friends, seeing people pregnant in public and pregnant women all over social media? If so, how did you handle it?
I'll start by saying, there is no judgement here. Until you have walked in our shoes you may not understand why most bereaved parents of infants feel this way. For me personally and every other bereaved mother I have talked to (who have lost perinatal or as an infant) we all share this feeling, though it may be different for some. I'm not saying this is how everyone feels but everyone I have talked too (a few hundred bereaved moms) this is how we feel.
For some of us, we don't handle it well. It's like adding salt to the wound. Digging the knife a bit deeper. It hurts. I avoided pregnant women at all possible costs and even to this day, I have a difficult time with it. It stings to see another pregnant woman. Even after having Bee it still hurts. It's still hard and I can't tell you why because I don't know. It's just how I feel.
It's not that I wish any harm to those pregnant women or their children, I don't even wish what we've gone through on our worst enemy but it is hard. For me it's that they have something I lost that I wish I had. Innocence. I lost my innocence, joy, naïveness, a huge part of who I was and so much more. Given, when I see pregnant women, I don't know if they are carrying their miracle rainbow or not so I shouldn't feel that way but I do.
I wish I could enjoy being pregnant. I wish I could be excited about a new baby arriving. I wish I could be so careless to the little things of pregnancy. But I can't and it hurts to see others who can. Don't feel ashamed if you feel this way and don't let others try to downplay your feeling. It's there for a reason, we may not understand the reason but it's there. Know that many other bereaved moms (but not all) have a very difficult time dealing with other pregnant women. I ended up "unfollowing" a lot of people on Facebook who had kids and were pregnant because it was too much for me. It's the reality of my life. I also avoided pregnant women like the plague. If I was out in public, I'd walk the other way. If I was forced to be in a situation where I had to stare it in the face, I donned the infamous fake "I'm okay" smile. I did what I had to do to make me feel comfortable. You have to do what makes you comfortable. It's a harsh world out there for the bereaved and you have to think about you first and foremost. If you avoid pregnant women, then so be it. If that's what gets you through then by all means, you avoid them!
It's the reality of life for so many of us. A lot of us just lie and say we are okay because we don't want to hurt others. We don't want others to judge us or give us the third degree. Trust me, it would be nice if we didn't have these feelings but for so many of us we do and they are valid. So please, if someone in your life who has experienced infant loss says they cant stand to be around pregnant people, don't lecture them about it and tell them that it makes no sense or that it is selfish. We already hurt enough and it's already hard enough to deal with. And if you feel this way, you are not alone!
I can't say it ever gets easier , maybe with time but I think there will always be that loss of innocence that stings when we see others who have it.
Again, you may have no problem with pregnant people at all and that's awesome but I wanted to address this topic for those of us who do and to let them know there is no shame in feeling that way and you are not alone. No matter how many people tell you to "get over it", or "you shouldn't feel that way", know you are not alone in those feelings and they are valid.
Keep sending the questions! I really like being able to address topics other than just my life, which as of late has been filled with vomit and lots of it, yeah stomach flu!!!!
I had another question come in that I thought would be good to address. This mom was wondering how my grief plays a role in my parenting. When I first thought about this question I was going to say that everything I do as a parent stems from my grief but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't necessarily true. There are things I do because I'm a parent and they work for us, not because Ty and Jacob died. There are aspects though that do stem from my grief. I'm incredibly over protective because I'm afraid she will die. But, even then, I don't limit myself too much. There isn't a clear cut answer, so yes and no. Ty and Jacob dying do impact the way I parent to an extent. So here is a glimpse into that life.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and just say it. There are moments in life when I do get frustrated with Bee. Just because I know loss, does not mean parenting is easy and I think it's something others who haven't gone through loss don't understand. They seem to look at us in an odd way when we say we're having a bad day or that our child is driving us up the wall. Often times they speak up and say things like; but this is your miracle baby, how can they frustrate you? How do you not have every ounce of patience in the world for them? Do you not love her as much because she is a very strong willed child and that exhausts you? Be thankful she is even here (this one really pisses me off, trust me I am more than THANKFUL she is here but it doesn't mean it's easy).
Having had Ty and Jacob die does not mean parenting Bee is any easier. Given, I do have a ton of patience with her but we all have our days. My daughter is a red head and has the personality to match it. She is an exact replica of me. She is me in smaller and younger form and I know what I'm in for. But please, on the days I say we didn't get sleep, know that it rarely bothers me. I waited 3 years of silent nights to have rough nights but that doesn't mean it is easy. I'm exhausted and night after night of her not sleeping does wear on me like any parent.
I am a human being, I'm a bereaved parent and I'm a parent. I still deal with all the parenting stuff. I still deal with the first time parenting stuff and I'm incredibly hard on myself because I have so much guilt and sadness that I'm only now able to figure it out. Not only do I have to figure out how to help my daughter become the best little person she can be but I have to figure out how to put my emotions aside. You know the ones that surface because I should know this already. I should know what to do and I should have had so many firsts already. These shouldn't be my firsts so I shouldn't be as emotional.
Truthfully, some days I find myself a lot more laid back than I thought I would be while pregnant with her. I do so many things with her I swore I'd never do. But you know what, they work for us so on we go.
Thank God Bee rocks and she is along for this crazy ride with me in the drivers seat. We learn together and there are days where I'm sure I drive her crazy (making her do arts and crafts bad mommy!) But the love I have for my child is so profound. No one could have ever told me I'd feel this way about my daughter. No matter how many sleepless nights, no matter how many days she goes through just crying and being grumpy because of teething or boredom or whatever, my love for her is immense. It's intense, it's amazing, it's pure, its indescribable really. But that doesn't mean parenting her is a breeze. It still comes will all the first time parent challenges.
Parenting after the loss of a child will affect how one parents but it doesn't mean you parent only through your grief, you also parent as a human being who has children. We all make mistakes, we all have rough days, we all have sleepless nights and just because we know loss doesn't mean we don't have these kinds of days. We have them too and it surely does not mean we don't appreciate or love our kids. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Today we learned that the credit union we bank with will be closing for good come the end of 2014. No big deal right? Well, maybe not for the average Joe but for me, I am distraught! How can such a simple, everyday matter upset me so much? It's because it's a part of the old us. People may not realize how much we cling onto from the old life. We have banked where we are for 5 years now. We know those ladies, they know us. They know about the boys, they know about Bee, they know about our struggles. They are amazing people and I will really miss them. They always love seeing Bee come in, as much as I love bringing her in. We've been blessed to get to know each of them through our various banking tasks. They were there offering their condolences on the death of Ty and Jacob. They are there helping us get our financial matters into better shape. Everything we have invested is through them. Not only financially but through some sort of odd connection. You know the kind of connection you make with bank people you see often, there is such a thing right?
Now we have to start over. That's the funny thing about grief, if you can call it that. It hits when least expected. Such little things can set a person into a whirlwind of emotions because of how it is tied to their grief. I'm stressed, anxious and distraught about the fact that our bank is closing and it's a year away! You'd think with all that time I'd realize things will work out but nope, I'm a ball of emotions. Over a bank....yeah thanks grief!
Thanks for all the messages coming in as well. A lot of you have mentioned EMDR and informed me that it has really helped you out. I just wanted all of you to know I am aware of EMDR and right now I am on a waiting list to get into a program where I live that specializes in EMDR. So, happy to hear it works, thanks for letting me know. Now I just sit and wait for my turn.
If anyone needs me, I'll be enjoying the second round of going viral. So many amazing messages to read through. So many precious angels I get the blessing of seeing, so many stories I get to read. The whole reason behind everything I do is so no one feels alone. We do it so people can see that even in the darkest hour we clung onto hope with all the determination we could and that we kept going and never gave up. Sure we continue to struggle but if we've learned anything it's that we need to keep our head up, look forward, move our feet and keep going. Little by little we go on.
And A warm welcome to all my new followers. Just an FYI, this time of year is never fun for the bereaved so posts may not be as uplifting as they are at other times. No one could have prepared me for the first holidays with our rainbow after the death of our boys. I thought it was tough before but these firsts are killer. Whew!!! Speaking of holidays, one of the photos that didn't make it into the Christmas card finale! Enjoy.
I know my blog posts have started to become sparse. We've been really busy around here. Things are not going well and we are scrambling to try and find answers. We are searching high and low for solutions. Add on top that it's Christmas and that has been a nightmare for me emotionally.
You see, for the first time in my life I am legitimately scared about the future. I've faced death twice and have not been as scared as I am now. I don't do well when I don't have control over the future. I don't do well when I don't have control in general, but with everything we have been through I have learned to live with it and control what I can. But, when our fate, when our ability to survive is in the hands of others, it scares me to the core. Especially when it seems we won't be able to survive come January.
It all started back in August when my psychiatrist and I determined I would not be able to return to work, even though I had until November to decide. We knew at that point there was no way I would be able to do it. We agreed that I need some serious mental help before I can cross that barrier. The issue being, getting the help I need is proving to be, well pretty much impossible. We can't afford to go the route we need so back to inconsistent free health care I go. I know it is needed and I will do it for the sake of my family and for me. But it's going to take time. Getting everything together for a referral, talking back and forth about what my best option is, setting me up with the best person possible and then just having to wait. It takes time. Once I get in, it'll take even more time. But I will do it. I will get better for my family and me. I have to. It's not the route I wanted to go but it's my only option at this point.
Having made this decision in August, I called my insurance company. Knowing that I had LTD benefits, it was the way to go. I will admit, I did not want to go this route. I have dealt with insurance companies before and it's almost not worth it to deal with them and the amount of stress they cause. It was our only option though. I could not force myself to go back to work before I was ready. It would be a disaster, I know from previous experiences. They advised me to apply in mid October telling me I'd know by the end of November. Perfect, that would leave a bit of time to sort things out and make a plan before we were sol.
Without going into all the gory details, I called the insurance company on Wednesday and was informed that it will at least take another 6 weeks but that it could take up to a year to decide. SHIT, seriously swear words are the only valid words right now. This is not what I was told and this royal effs things up. Come January I lose my income, and Stephen was recently switched from hourly to salary and it's actually a huge decrease in his pay. So while my insurance company sits around on their asses twiddling their thumbs, we may for the first time in our life not be okay. We may not be able to make ends meet and there is not much I can do about it. I call insurance almost every other day. I can't call OHIP to release my records until my insurance company sends in my form and of course this has to happen right around Christmas when most government offices are closed or short staffed so I know we won't hear back until mid-January putting us in a very tight spot.
I hate this, I hate all of this. I have lost all faith. All I asked for was a break, to be able to be okay and survive, but it seems in one month we will be sol. We've been stressing, going through our finances and making cuts where we can. It's difficult and we know we have to make sacrifices, we've had to for the last 3 years but now we have Bee and now some of the sacrifices are pretty big. We don't have many options while we wait. I can't go back to work, I am not mentally ready, or physically/emotionally for that matter. I am fully capable of working from home and that is the route I want to go but do you know how hard it is to find legit work to do from home? It's almost impossible, but I won't give up, I can't give up.
So while we are grieving and celebrating our first Christmas and all the emotion that comes with that, we are scrambling to find a way to make ends meet because in less than a month from now, things are going to be tougher. I just haven't felt like writing much because it would just be about the same thing. Christmas sucks and we're about to lose our ability to make ends meet. End of story. Oh and we took Bee to see Santa, which was a disaster as predicted and now we have his lovely cold. We keep getting sick and can't do anything about it.
The funny thing is, we prayed about it. We prayed for an answer and we got the answer we prayed for but then it was taken away. I don't understand.
If any of you have any creative ideas on how to make things work, things I could possibly do from home, leave me message! Also, don't forget the previous post, I really want my readers to have a say. I feel like I don't have much to talk about right now so I'd love to address some things you may want to know or have questions about.
In the meantime we will be embarking on a new journey and for the first time, I am truly scared.
Someone was NOT happy to see Santa! She started to cry even before she left my arms.
I thought I would change this post up a bit. It's your turn to have a say! Leave a comment below, tell me where your from, what your story is, what brought you to this blog etc. Also, are there any topics you would like to see me address, any questions for me (about me or about our journey/infant loss in general) I know all of you have a burning question you've been wishing I would answer in one of my blogs, so go ahead and ask away. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment and would rather post anonymous, send me an email at: email@example.com
I look forward to hearing all about you!
The above photo was taken one year ago today. We had just moved the last box into our new apartment and I was setting up (as you can tell hugely pregnant) so scared about the coming weeks, trying to be cautiously optimistic. We had left our old home, it was all we had known with the boys but it was time for a new start. The old place was riddled with problems; mouse issues, lack of heat, no washer and dryer, dangerous stairs that were out for us, bad memories, sadness, heartache, mold, leaky windows, guy downstairs that smoked (which came into our apartment). I mean I don't even know how we lasted 3 years there! Actually I do. Ty died, that's how we ended up living in hell for three years. Ty died then Jacob died which took a huge hit to our down payment on a house. It took a huge hit to our careers. It took a huge hit to every single thing in our life. But for Bee we needed to start over, for her and for us. We moved in not knowing our future. Not knowing if Bee's room would remain empty or if finally we would have our arms filled with love and a living child.
We couldn't imagine that one year later our lives would be changed dramatically for the better. After Ty ad Jacob died Stephen and I rid our lives of the excess baggage we had, within 11 months we had gotten rid of over 3/4 of what we owned. We learned the lesson that material objects do not matter. When we moved into our new apartment, this was a very good lesson for us to have learned. Though our new place is a bit bigger in size, the storage has significantly decreased. We do have use of the attic but its a pain to get up there so most things up there are only used once a year. But that means we live a pretty simple life. We don't own a lot and I like it that way. We are never stressed about having the latest and greatest gadget or car or whatever. We much prefer to spend time together as a family, taking trips, going for walks, decorating the Christmas tree etc.
Though our new apartment is not our forever home, realistically we do need a bigger place to expand our family, we are blessed to have it for the time being. It serves its purpose for where we are in life right now. It is by far like a mansion compared to our last place. We make it work, we have no other choice but to make it work for now. It may not have some things we wish we had (a place to garden, a yard for Bee to play in, a bit more storage etc) but we make it work because that's all we can do. I look around our apartment one year later and see the change we have made. If you step into my house, everything with the exception of our bed and our couch is well loved. It was passed down or we bought it used. I wouldn't have it any other way. I think it really adds character to our home and makes it more of a home. It may not be fancy but we aren't fancy people. You'll notice we do not have a bare wall. I have filled our walls with pictures. Though we rent, this is still our home. I want Bee to have good memories here. I would love for us to be in our forever home so she always have that in her heart, but right now that's not possible so we'll make do with what we have. One year ago, that lady in the picture was scared out of her mind about the future and now, well she still is but she has an amazing little girl to keep her going.
I am happy we had a new place for our fresh start. I am happy Bee is in a safe, warm home filled with love. I am happy that we have this place, I searched long and hard for it (some of you may remember the countless posts about looking for a new place, it was NOT fun!) and it is temporarily ours.
So here is to one year in our home, our temporary home that has been filled with love, laughter and many tears (good and bad). When we moved in a year ago I had no idea where we would end up but at least I knew we had a roof over our head, no mice, heat, a washer and dryer (the dishwasher was just an added bonus) safe stairs, no smoking neighbour and the best part of it all, our living, breathing, healthy child.