"You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had; and no matter what happens in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life."
It has been 5ish days since we found out we had a new family member joining us. I can't say its really set in yet and I think that is because I still do not feel pregnant. All I feel is this horrible cold I have. I went to the walk in clinic today just to be checked out (and so it begins) because I wanted to make sure it wasn't anything more. I have had a low grade fever since Saturday and have done everything to try and keep it under control, lots of fluids, ice cream, cold cloths....all which worked but only temporarily. I know you can take Tylenol during pregnant, I've been pregnant twice and have used it both times but I think I really needed to hear it from the doctor. I also know that a fever can cause harm to the baby if its not under control so I really needed to go and just talk to someone. I caved and took a Tylenol this morning to help with my fever, I plan on taking as minimal as possible and doing everything as naturally as possible, a cold won't hurt the baby but a fever will so I need to treat the fever.
Few people know about baby Bee, those who prayer have been informed to pray for us because this little one needs all the prayers it can get. We have chosen to wait until we see the baby, to know it's even in there and is not a blighted ovum, an ectopic pregnancy or anything else. I think for ourselves too, we need to see the heartbeat before we can truly feel like this is really happening. The hard part is we are already so much in love with this little one. We have seen so many signs and had a few dreams that this one should be our keeper but my heart at the same time, wants so badly to be protected. I learned the hard way last time that trying to protect your heart from loss does not work. I had a hard time connecting with Jacob at first because of this and then look what happened, we found out we were loosing him and I feel even more in love.
I sit and wait in hopes of hearing about the interview I had yesterday, I did the best I could and now I wait. I trust that God will place me where I need to be, what is best for him, what is best for my family. I won't give up on looking for a new job, it has to be done, I need that change as well. Everything else in our lives have changed it just needs to be done.
I started knitting a blanket for bee (yellow, black, white and grey) and I am determined to actually finish this blanket (I barely got through a 4th of Jacob's) I want Bee to have some of her own things (I swear it's a girl this time, I know I said that about Jacob but I feel the same way this time) No matter how short Bee's like is, she will be Bee.
I try to take it day by day and right now it's relatively easy because I am so focused on finding a new job and once I have a new job it'll be about learning and, God willing, it will help me get through the first 4-5 months of being pregnant. I also do whole heartily think the boys will protect Bee and will give me the strength and courage to face this pregnancy. I know they are with me helping all of us along the way.
Like I said, I havent really felt pregnant at all other than being a bit dizzy, this cold right now is making me feel ick but its' not from Bee. Some days I have a massive appetite and I can eat like theres no tomorrow and other days I'm not that hungry though I find when I do start to eat I cant limit where I stop (remind me NOT to go to any buffets) I am addicted to guacamole and taco bell hot sauce, as well as eggs still. Thankfully I dont have any aversions (smell either this time, another reason I think a. there really is no baby and its a blighted ovum or b. its a girl) so fruits, veggies, meat, dairy, its all still good. I know Bee will be born early so I have to eat all the healthy things I possibly can to get her nice and fattened up. Speaking of food....I do believe some asparagus needs to be cooked and perhaps some sweet potato fries.
Death is all around me today. Our frog is on the fritz and we know his days are going to be short lived, he will soon join the boys in Heaven. Add to that the fact I went down to clean up the garbage and there was a dead baby bird. Of course I had to bury it. I can't help but think that means this little Bee is going to die. Every thing means this bee is going to die. I sprayed the door with vinegar to kill any germs the bird may have carried, I didn't touch it, only the garden shovel did but I fear I probably still picked up something that will kill this baby. Even when I sprayed and saw the rainbow I chose not to see that as a sign, just the death that surrounds me. How can I look at anything else but death, it is all I have known the last 18 months, it is my life now it's what I am use to. How do I ignore the death around me and try to remain hopeful that bee is our keeper....and I just realized thats really cute bee keeper....perhaps a sign? Who knows....our first appointment is in 3 weeks, we wanted to wait until week 8 before doing anything to make sure the babys heart beat would be well established.
I can't help but wonder if there is anything even in there, if there is truly a bee. What if we walk in at 8 weeks only to be told there is nothing, that your body doesn't know what it is thinking. All those feelings of not being pregnant were justified. What do we do? I do know all we can do is take it day by day and pray that once I see the little heartbeat and get the first picture I will start to feel that this is really happening. It's a battle but one I am so thankful for, we are truly blessed. It's one of lifes greatest battles that sometimes does come at a cost.