Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck in grief and I suppose in a sense I will. There will never come a time when I don't grieve the death of Ty and Jacob just like the pain never goes away, you just adjust to living with it. Without going into much detail until I have more details, in the last few days some things have come up and they have me wondering if there will ever be one year in my life where crappy stuff does not exist in my life. One would think the death of your first two children would be enough but it seems life likes to throw us continuous curve balls. How bad this curve ball is, I do not know yet but it has the potential to be bad. I just ask for prayers but at this point that's even iffy for me.
I didn't grow up in the church so this whole God and church thing is new to me and I tell ya, I've been really struggling lately, especially after the news yesterday. I just feel like we continue to be punished, for what, I have no idea! People always say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but sorry to say, that's a huge load of BS. I've had enough, I don't want to deal with anymore, at least not anytime soon. I've been through enough. I just want some time to enjoy life and my family. I just want to wake up every day next to my little girl and feel blessed, which I do, but waking up next to my little girl feeling blessed and having to worry about certain things going on, no thanks!
We will be waiting on pins and needles the next few months, wondering what the future will hold and in the meantime, I am going to love the shit out of my daughter. I never knew love could be this amazing and that's not to say it isn't with my husband, it's a different kind of love. Bee is my life, my light and my love and I am so thankful she is in my life, it gives me something to focus on in the midst of yet more curve balls.