The warmth of the sun soothes my soul, the wind blowing through my hair refreshes my mind, body and sprit. It is officially spring and mother nature has decided to give us Southern Ontarians a break. A MUCH MUCH needed break. The weather has been gorgeous the last week, sunny, cool and a little breezy, some of my favourite weather. It has surly lifted my mood and spirits. Yes I have been super anxious, to the point of having more stomach issues, but for the first time I have also felt joy and happiness.
Something about the decent weather always awakens my soul. It lets me see life, it lets me breathe, it lets me live. I truly do believe that in addition to PTSD and GAD I have seasonal affective disorder. SAD affects people in the winter months and makes them depressed. It's no secret to me that when the weather is nice, I do feel better and this week has been fantastic.
Bee and I get out at least twice a day, once so I can get a good exercise walk in and once so she can play at the park. Some nights after dinner we've even got to go to the park with Stephen and for another short walk. It has been wonderful. I have been waiting for moments like this. I have a renewed sense of self and life.
It feels so good that tears bubble to the surface. This is the life I imagined when we found out we were pregnant 4 years ago. Doing family things, spending time outside, relishing in my daughters delight, this is what I wanted 4 years ago and after Ty and Jacob died, I never thought it would be possible. To experience what I have waited so long for is wonderful.
I feel a sense of living this year. We have a lot of plans this summer and for the most part I am looking forward to them. Of course the anxiety is there and I'm sure it will be for awhile, but excitement is also there. It's not just anxiety anymore, it's such an amazing feeling. I'm excited and look forward to doing things this summer. I never thought I would look forward to things again and not let the anxiety ruin my fun. We are making more plans to do even more things, we WILL go camping this year. We use to love camping but the past 3 summers we've just been trying to survive but not this summer, this summer we will live!
I look forward to starting new traditions with Bee, most are ones I wanted to start with Ty and Jacob but didn't have the heart to do yet but this week, the artificial Christmas tree was donated and will be replaced with a family trip to the tree farm to cut down our own tree. I know it will be hard, there will be tears of sadness but to see Bee delight in life will also bring joy as it has lately.
I feel like I am on a new level of my grief journey. The deaths of the boy don't shadow my every day. I have come out of the fog of a newborn and new parent and now I'm beginning to see and live but trying to deal with my PTSD and anxiety. Finding a balance is challenging but these days, I'm up for the challenge. Well, at least for today I am, if I've learned anything its that when up things always knock you back down.