There have been some significant events happening the last few days that have had a huge impact on my mood. I have never been this anxious, this stressed or this depressed before. These events were unexpected, they have put us in a very tough spot and we have some pretty big decisions to make. Like I've said before, we never get a fucking break. Yes, this deserves swear words. I can't elaborate much on what is going on as there will be a resulting lawsuit but just know, things are not great right now. There are some very dark times ahead and my ray of sunshine is the only thing that gets me through. It has really put the pressure on us, it is making us face some very difficult choices, some of which we aren't ready to make but have to regardless. It's not a good place to be and I really hope this can be resolved quickly. It has gone on many more months than it ever should have.
I will say this, PTSD is something new to me, as is my anxiety. I use to be a care free person, even after the boys died I was more depressed and sad than anxious. When Bee was born it was a trigger. On January 8th, 2013 my life, my mental health became an issue. Her birth brought on a whole new level of things I did not experience before, things I did not feel and things I did not think. I know I've mentioned that on here before. After her birth I started having flashbacks, after her birth I had huge anxiety issues regarding her safety, I was afraid someone would hurt her or she would die somehow. I had a hard time being away from her (and still do to this day) My sleeplessness began after she was born, my inability to concentrate happened after she was born. Every side effect of PTSD and anxiety came about after she was born. Obviously that is the case as I was able to work and function well before her birth. I've only dealt with PTSD for 18 months. I've only dealt with true anxiety for 18 months. It's new to me and I have to a plan to tackle the symptoms but it will take time. Sometimes in life people don't see eye to eye. Sometimes in life there needs to be an intervention, though you have done so much to prevent it from happening but sometimes it is warranted.
This whole situation got me thinking. In times like this I struggle, I REALLY struggle because I don't like to ask for help when I need it. There is the occasion someone offers help and I take it, but there are times where I say no I'm okay when really I am not. I don't as for help, it's hard for me to do. I don't want people taking pity on us or helping us. I feel the time to help has passed. But when there is an offer to help and you know you really need it, how do you deal? I think about the offer I had today, one that ideally would be in our best interest but one that requires an extensive amount of strength on my part. It pushes me to face something I never thought I would have to do but it could really benefit us in our time of need. I've really been thinking about why I am having such a problem with this offer and all I keep coming to is embarrassment. I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I even need help. I am embarrassed by our situation. I don't want people to see me in my weak state, I don't want them to see me torn apart, destroyed to the core. I need to appear strong to the general society even though I have crumbled inside. I feel people look at me and judge, I feel they look at me and take pity. All these feelings are new. I feel embarrassed by seeing people I knew before it all happened, I cant explain it but embarrassment is the only word I can come up with.
Sure, I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I feel it. Maybe there is a different word for what I feel, but I cant find it. The death of the boys changed me but Bees birth completely changed me as well. Some days I cant even function as a mother. At least before she was born I was able to get up everyday, shower, eat, go to work, get stuff done but once she was born, that all went out the window. It's odd to think that her birth would be my trigger, would be the event to cause my PTSD and anxiety and perhaps it doesn't make sense to some, but I cant explain it. All I know is times are very tough, and yet again getting treatment is being pushed to the side because of struggles. I don't know if I will ever be on the right path. I don't know what the future holds and I surely don't feel great about it. I don't have any hope, I don't have any thing to look forward to, it's a damn good thing I have Bee, no matter what is going on all it takes is a few minutes snuggling with her to help me calm down a bit. And as I write this, the smell of ribs simmering in the stove is making me look forward to dinner tonight, but beyond that, I just don't know. I thought this would all be over, I thought we would be getting our feet back on the ground, I thought I would be given the opportunity to address my PTSD and anxiety but some major changes have to happen and those were not expected.
It'd be much easier if we only had one hard decision to make, but right now there are quite a few and with my partner in crime being swashed at work, a lot has been left on my shoulders and I cant carry it well. I know I surely cant carry it alone. And now motherhood calls (I swear they lie at daycare, saying Bee sleeps for 2 hours became I only get 20 mins when she is home)