Today was a tough day. Today was an emotional day. Things have been very difficult lately. I feel immensely overwhelmed with all that has happened recently and when I hit this point I start to shut down. I find myself disassociated with the world. I start to get annoyed and really bothered by every little thing. It just makes the big things all the more stressful. My thoughts get really strange, I don't like them. Not in a harming kind of way, just it's really hard to explain. I was told this was normal for PTSD. I was told this was one of the symptoms.
In all honesty, the hard part began Sunday. We had to run to our local Target to pick up a blanket for Bee's bed (of which we may eventually get the mattress, who knows) and since it was raining out I decided we'd just walk around the mall for a bit. As we were leaving Target to enter the mall, the Target employee at the checkout saw my tattoos and asked about them. I gave my usual schpeal (sp?) that we had two little boys who both passed away and those were their foot prints but I found myself starting to get choked up near the end, which has not happened in a long time. She said they were very sweet and that I carry them with me all the time close to my heart. I didn't expect that answer but I said yeah, thanks. It was nice and we started to walk into the mall. We didn't make it very far before the tears started falling. I fell apart to the point that we had to leave. I have not had to leave a store because I was crying for a few years now. I had gotten that under control pretty well. But it just hit like a ton of bricks.
Then there was today. Drop off at school did not go well. As soon as I put Bee down she started to cry and wanted to be picked up. I got down to her level, embraced her, kissed her and reminded her that she would stay there and I would be back, I promised her I would be back (yes in the back of my mind I always worry something will happen to me and I wont be there for her and that kills me) I stayed for a few seconds and distracted her with toys but it was very busy and loud so when I started to leave she cried harder. It broke my heart. I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. But I left because I knew I had to. I made the decision to run all my errands and then check in. I called back around 10 and they said she had settled. I'm glad she did because I couldn't.
I was leaving her through naptime today so I needed to occupy my time with something rewarding. I had been wanting to go back to a local antique store that's about a 30 minute drive from where we live. I had been before and I just wanted to go back, see if I could find anything for Bee's room. So I went. But as I drove my heart started to race. Even as I climbed the stairs to the store, I couldn't settle. I walked up to the third floor and began to look around but I was not enjoying it. My heart was in my throat. I was sweating with anxiety. I couldn't focus but I kept walking. I just walked and looked and picked out a few things. I spent 2 hours walking around (which trust me, it could take 4 hours there) and headed home. I just wanted to get Bee. I needed to see my little girl. I missed her and I felt horrible.
Upon pickup they told me she had a good day. She was a bit upset at first but they brought her to the toddler room (which is quieter) and she settled down. I hope they do this often because she is use to more quiet. As usual, she LOVED being outside, went in the sand box, played with bubbles, owned the toddler outdoor equipment. She ate well (given her food is always dumped on the table, who needs plates right?) and even...wait for it...wait for it....TOOK A NAP. Lordy, what has school done to my little girl? She sits while eating, wears a bib, doesn't scream, takes naps? Can I sign her up for every day? No, not really, I love being around her. I am very thankful she did nap. They said she laid on her cot and cried for about 10 minutes, fell asleep for 35, woke back up and cried a bit more then fell asleep for another hour...AN HOUR?????? I'm so thankful she seems to be adjusting well, but I couldn't do it today.
There is just so much double standards of death and grief going on, things are busy around here, things happening I cant mention yet (but will in a few months once they settle) it's just overwhelming. I need to get back to counseling and I need to get back to acupuncture. Those are my solaces. They are apart of me.
On a side note, I did find a cute little table for Bee's room, I love old furniture but this piece really smells like old furniture....I spent an hour sanding and fixing it and will paint it. If anyone happens to know how you can take the smell out of old wood, let me know! I usually don't mind it but its powerful. I also found two more bee books to add to her collection. And lastly, I like antiquing, it's fun and I have a new passion for finding the creepy and very odd items. It's like a little game. I can count antiquing as my new hobby/interest. It's a part of the new me.