It's going on Day 3 of the latest panic attack. This one has been relentless! I have had to heavily rely upon my Rescue Remedy day and night, but I am thankful it takes the edge off. I suspect over the next day or two things will start to calm down a bit. I've taken to gardening to help me relax a little bit and I swear, one of these days I will try yoga. I have just been filled with anxiety lately and it will not give up.
Having PTSD and anxiety is strange for me. I never use to be this way and sometimes I wonder if it's "all in my head" because that's what people tell me. That's what people say about mental illnesses. Here's the thing, its never in someones head. Unless you struggle with it yourself, I think its hard to understand but it is NEVER in someones head. Why do I bring this up now? I am filling out the forms for the Trauma program I am waiting to get into. It's a good 10 pages front and back with question after question. As I read through the questions they resonate with me. They resonate with me so very much. What I feel, what I think, my body's reaction to PTSD and anxiety clearly happen to others because they got the information for the questions from someone. Things I thought only I experienced are on these pages that I hold in my hand, my life is on these pages. I flip through checking off yes, yes, yes, sometimes like I have something to prove. YES, this happens to me, it must happen to others.
It asks about how frequent these attacks are, how frequent these thoughts and feelings are and it allows me to reflect. I know I struggle on a daily basis but now it can be recognized. I thought I was the odd ball for strolling every day with no relief but it appears I may not be. Just like having Ty die and then to add to that, Jacob dying, I felt so alone, so very alone. I feel so alone with my PTSD and anxiety struggles. No one really gets it unless they walk in those shoes as well so to see it on paper, to know others are circling yes to the same questions makes me feel like all these thoughts and feelings belong somewhere. It makes me feel like this is the program I needed 4 years ago. Sure at first it may have been "just grief" but 4 years in it changed. It got a name and it now has a plan. I know I have a long road ahead (6 month wait to get in) followed by 44 weeks of group therapy once a week for 2 hours. But, it is where I belong, these pages tell me its' where I belong. These pages tell me that these 3 day panic attacks are normal to those who suffer. I'm not the odd ball with anxiety and I guess its because I don't know anyone else who suffers PTSD or anxiety like I do that I felt so alone. I've never had anyone to talk to about it like I have with infant loss. I have a great support, no a FANTASTIC support system for the part of us that lives in infant loss, but when it comes to mental illness, I am alone. I don't have someone to talk to about daily struggles, about feelings, about fears, about my anxiety or flashbacks. People who don't struggle don't get it, just like infant loss.
But I have yet to find that other part of me, the other support group and I really think this program is what is truly needed. Given, they try to encourage you to be gentle with your triggers and avoid them and well hey, pretty tough task for me there since one of my biggest triggers is the hospital and guess where the program is at? Yup, same place! Different part of the building, but the drive there, the parking lot, the small, the thoughts, the feelings, they all come back time and time again. I don't know how well I will do the first few times but I sure as hell will try.
Of course, the reason behind all of it is for my precious little fire cracker of a daughter. I refuse to let any of this inhibit her life. Perhaps its the reason why tomorrow, against every inch of my being, I am going to check out a daycare centre, just see what its like, see what they can potentially offer. If anything, it is making me face something I do not want to do but feel that it will inevitably happen at some point.
On a side note, Bee has been rocking it. She is a smart, strong willed, independent, determined, climbing little spirit and I love her to bits and pieces. I cant believe she is 18 months old, I mean how did that even happen? Shes a full blown toddler now and rocks everything she does. She is doing well with potty training, learning so many new words everyday, has become best buds with the cats, is starting to find her preferences for food, still waking a lot at night and taking a blink of a nap but I tell ya, parenting a rainbow is no easy task, she makes it all the more challenging but in that, we both grow. It'll never be easy, there will always be the reminders and now that she can say Ty and Jacob and knows where their pictures are and blows kisses to them, yeah heart tugging and teary eyes has been happening a lot around here lately. Such is life though, the life of parenting a colourful rainbow. Wouldn't have it any other way.