Most days I feel like I have been defeated. There are times where I feel I will never belong. Then there are the times when I think about where I would be without Bee. I live for her, I breathe for her, everything I do, I do for her and to let myself think where I would be without her, it's scary. It's not a place I like to visit, but truth be told, if it weren't for her I really don't know where I would be.
I'm really struggling with a lot of self issues. I don't feel I belong to any group. I surely don't belong in a new moms group because I'm not a new mom, I don't have the joy and bliss most new moms do. I don't feel I belong in a post partum depression group (even though I have it) because my depression stems far beyond the expertise that is just post partum depression. I don't feel like I belong in any play groups because I am not socially, actually I am social, socially awkward! Most of my friends from before Ty died have disappeared, I guess it makes people uncomfortable to be around me. I know I have changed and I never will be the same but most of the time I don't even talk about the boys. I guess some friendships change when babies come a long anyways , people grow apart and leave others behind.
The only group I feel comfortable with is my baby loss group members. Not even the online ones make me feel welcomed anymore, its just the people in London who are physically here to help me through. All my friends these days are baby loss mamas and that honestly doesn't bug me too much. We have really been blessed with finding some amazing people through the dark, people who have become our family, people who understand, people who get it, people who don't need explanations, people who aren't afraid to mention our boys names or talk about them, it's what we do because we know. The only downfall is, some of them don't know who they are, some of them don't know where they fit so trying to help me figure me out is hard.
Somedays I feel like giving up, but I don't because of Bee. Again, if it weren't for her I don't know where I would be and I don't want to go there because I don't think it is a good place. Ty and Jacob dying profoundly changed me as a person and who that person is, I'm still trying to figure out. On top of that, add in a new parent now and I'm lost. I don't know who I am, I don't know where I belong, what I knew is gone and I don't know where to go. I don't feel comfortable around most people, I don't feel I belong to any specific group so I avoid it. I avoid people when I can. Somedays I just let the defeat win.
Somedays I wonder how people view me, what they think about me. I know I'm socially awkward and very introverted and I think it comes across as rude sometimes. I don't mean to be but when I have so much to deal with and such self hate, I don't want to be around people. I know some people don't want to be around me because of Ty and Jacob dying and how it's changed me. I still like to do thing, I still like girls nights and cookie exchanges and "normal" things woman and first time parents do but it's hard. It's hard to try and fit in where I don't belong and where I'm only doing it for Bee's benefit. Bee will always come first but it scares me to think of how I can help her become a strong confident woman when her own mother has such self hate. I know I need to change, I need to fix it but it is exhausting and I don't even know where to start. Okay I do, I know I need to lose weight first and foremost and get my physical self healthy and then I can work on mental, emotional and spiritual. I know it's a long road and I need to put in the effort but lately, lately I just want to be defeated. It's much less exhausting!