I've been feeling quite defeated lately. I'm sure the lack of sleep (3-4 hours a night) do not help and I think that's why my emotions are so heightened lately. Everything seems to upset me. I am very vulnerable right now. If I make plans with someone or try to and they cancel, I'm offended. I feel like they hate me, like I am unlikeable. I feel like people don't want to be around me because no one ever seems to make plans with me. I'm always the one contacting others to make plans. Or at least that's how it feels to me. Like I said, I'm sure I'm over reacting but when you are exhausted physically, everything emotionally feels 10 fold. I take everything so much more personally. I feel like the world is out to get me (though I feel that mot days).
I feel defeated because I'm struggling and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I am working on it, I have counseling today and we have a plan to help me work through everything. I feel defeated because I think one of my hardest and biggest issues is letting go of where I imagine we would be 3 years ago. What I imagined our life would look like, where we would be living, our children, our whole life. I can't seem to let go of where I thought we would be and notice where we are instead. It's not the same, in fact it is about 100 times different than what I thought. I can't seem to let go of the idea that we would have been in our own house, with our two boys, living life and loving it. We are not there nor will we ever be there so why cannot I not let go? Why is it so hard to let go of the innocence?
I feel defeated because I feel the pressure of time bearing down on me. I feel like everyone is in a hurry to make me better. Everyone says to take the meds, they will help. I'm sure they would numb me but acupuncture already does that with no side effects to me or Bee. I am able to function on a daily minimum. Yes I struggle so much, but I have to work through it. I need time. No amount of medication will solve my problems, even my psychiatrist told me that. I just need time. Why can people not understand that these things take time? I've been rushed before, I've been rushed before I was ready and it was a DISASTER. It was fine before because I only had to worry about me but I cannot become a disaster now because of Bee. I need time and time is what I will be taking. It may take a few weeks, months or even a year but I owe it to my family to take that time to become the best version of me that I can be.
I feel defeated in my relationship with my husband. I feel bad for Stephen, I take so much out on him and I'm trying so hard not too but when I'm so tired, emotionally exhausted, physically ill, he's the only one I see. I won't lie, our relationship has taken a hit, though the first hit came three years ago but the thing is, we have such deeply profound respect and love for each other that we know we will make it through. I guess it's one thing I don't blog about a lot, how it has affected us as a couple because so many people see us and say how strong our marriage is but to be honest, it has it's weak moments. I don't ever want to become one of those husband bashers. I never would, I have a lot more respect and love for my husband. If I have issues with him we talk about it. Sure, he drives me insane sometimes but I know I do the same to him and even though we drive each other insane, we still are head over heels in love. But having gone though what we've been through has had its fair share of struggles for us as a couple. Right now we are working on rediscovering our love for eachother because it too has changed. Yes, somedays I wonder if I married the right person but then he goes and shows me that yes, yes I did. I am with who I am suppose to be with. He is truly an amazing man and even though I get irritated by some things he does sometimes (who doesn't right?) I know part of it is me. I take half the responsibility in our relationship because we are a team. We work together through everything. He has been my rock and I know without him my life would suck even more. So I welcome his irritations because if he was perfect, our relationship would be incredibly boring. Who wants a boring relationship? Not me! We surely do not have a boring relationship.
But even in the midst of my defeat, I am having rare success moments. My new blog is starting up and I've already had three companies contact me for reviews. I have yet to have anyone turn me down, though I know it is coming and I have to prepare myself for that. Honestly, I'm scared about the rejections but I know there will be some. How do I prepare for that? How can my emotional fragility handle being told I'm not good enough, that what I am passionate about is not quite big enough yet. I mean, I get it, I'm just starting out and some companies are looking for ways to market through much more successful blogs. I know I'll get there one day. I will, that I know! But in the meantime, taking the rejection is going to hurt. It's going to chip away at my emotional fragility and wear me down. I have to, I HAVE to look at the positive. I have to see those companies that said yes. They took a leap of faith, believed what I am doing and said yes. That counts for a lot!
I also found the courage to post my "I am strong" story on the Birth Without Fear Facebook page and have had wonderful response. A lot of people say how strong I am and though somedays, okay most days, I don't feel it, I have to be. I mean how could I have gotten this far and not be strong? I never see myself as strong or even an inspiration to others but I am glad that I am. I may not acknowledge it yet, maybe one day I will, but in the meantime, even if I don't feel it, it's nice to see that others do. It's nice to see people say that I am an inspiration, that I am strong. Perhaps it will help build me back up.
And as if things weren't all up and down over here, this little lady turned 8 months!!!! WHAT????? I'm thinking the same thing, how can my light me 8 months already?