There is no doubt that Ty and Jacobs death have profoundly changed Stephen and I. We have learned so much and grown as people. Our eyes have been opened and we see more clearly. We understand the importance of life, the importance of family and friends and place a high value on relationships as opposed to material objects. I like to think Ty and Jacobs deaths have changed us for the better.
One thing I have noticed, which has been there since Ty died, is how deeply I feel. Given, the depth of my emotions only exists with the negatives, but it is deep. When I am angry, or sad, or empathetic, anxious, or upset, or just down, I feel those emotions in my veins. It is strong, like a cup of dark coffee. It seethes from every pore in my body. It is so intense that the anxiety eats me right up and the tears flow like a leaky faucet. How I wish I had that depth when it comes to positive feelings. If this week has been any indication of that dream ever coming true, I have hope. At least this week I have been able to feel joy and happiness, even if only on a small level, it's a new level and that is a step forward.
With this new found depth of emotions, I do tend to get teary eyed rather quickly. Not only do my emotions have depth but they have speed. I imagine my emotions like a hurricane, there's the calm before the storm and then BAM, intense, pounding, quick, horrific and then it's over and I am left to clean up the damage. But when I wasn't prepared, when I didn't board the windows, plan an escape, make a survival kit, cleaning up becomes a challenge, a long one at that. I feel I am walking the lonely, desolate streets trying to find my way.
I also feel that having a lot of time in between care (one of my main issues with treatment) that I've internally been trying to figure things out for myself, plan out my next steps, make some hard decisions. I know I'm on a new level of grief and it's rather hard to navigate but I hope in time I can find someone to show me the way. In the meantime, I have to handle my depth of emotions in a cool headed way, which lately has just been tears and lots of tears. I turn everything internally and it's causing me physical health issues. I know I have to figure it out because I cant keep living with this depth of negativity. I want to be able to shrug things off like I use to. I want to be able to have a conversation, feel connections, feel empathetic and sympathetic towards others without completely losing my shit. Perhaps one day.....