14 weeks 5 days:There are some things I have that I got or was given for the boys that I just do not think I can bring myself to use, ever. The diaper bag being one of those. It's such a small thing, I get the clothes and all but it makes me wonder why I have such a dread using the diaper bags we have. Given the one we did pack for Ty for the hospital so I'm sure that's what it explains that but the other one, I just don't know. There is a diaper bag I absolutely LOVE, I've loved it since we lost Ty. Its at Kohls, the line is called Jessica and the bag has butterflies all over it. I'm so drawn to butterflies as they are a symbol of those gone too soon and it really makes me feel like my boys are present when I have things that remind me of them and perhaps that is why I am so drawn to this bag. The only downside, and for those who are mamas, you know how much diaper bags can cost!
I did add it to my list of wants as I didn't feel it belong on the list of needs (which we still have a few since we didn't get everything with the boys) A lot of women in the rainbow pregnancy groups I am in are having baby showers. I just don't feel that is right for me. I think I rather do a meet and greet after the baby is here and when cold and flu season has passed. I also do not want to get anything before baby is here (with the exception of the Snuza monitor and possibly a diaper bag) the rest can wait until we know if this baby will live. I'd like to think we will need it and have to use it but reality has shown me twice now that it isn't always the case.
It's just one of those rainbow pregnancy things that gets to me. It's kind of like how everyone assumes this is a normal pregnancy, that I should be doing certain things, or that I should get a Doula to help with a natural birth. Let me clarify, a rainbow pregnancy and a second one at that is ANYTHING but normal. What you think pregnancy should be like is no where near what a rainbow pregnancy is actually like. To be honest I could give 10 shits about having an easy, natural deliver. If I have to be drugged up, knocked our and torn open to get that baby out safely I don't care. All I care about is making sure the baby makes it here alive, breathing and healthy and if that means drastic measure then so be it. The way things have went in the past we're leaning towards another c-section (mainly because of my bi-cornate uterus) I go to the doctors every two weeks and it will be every one soon enough. I get ultrasounds every time I go to check on the babies progress. I get to spend a few weeks in the hospital at the end again. Yes we will do mat shots, no we aren't preparing much (we will get the car seat officially installed) but that's it. This is not a normal pregnancy and it angers me that people thing it should be all laddy daw, so peaceful and graceful. This is a rainbow pregnancy after two full term losses, it is filled with fear, anxiety, terror and a tad bit of excitement but it is so different than what everyone seems to think. Every pregnancy is different and rainbow pregnancies bring that "difference" to a whole new level.
So please understand that women who are going through rainbow pregnancies do not follow along with the "normal" pregnancies and everything they entitle. We are a different breed and so are our pregnancies. We do not need advice as we have been there before and our situations are much different. Most of us fully rely on God and our doctors to get us through. I choose to fully rely on those two and no one else. If anyone is going to see that this baby gets here safely it is my high risk OB who we 100% trust. He is an amazing man, incredibly brilliant, compassionate, caring, kind, he knows his shit like no one else, he listens to us, takes our concerns very seriously, does what he can to help ease our anxiety, pays close attention to our baby and knows when the time will be for this baby to make its entrance, hopefully alive. Our trust is in him and God, I don't need any of the other "normal" pregnancy crap that everyone seems to think every pregnant lady needs. Rainbow pregnancies require a much higher level of care and many more decisions (some tough) than normal pregnancies. The situations we face are different, the visits are different, the decisions are different, emotions are different, timing is different...everything is different. People cannot compare a rainbow pregnancy to a "normal" pregnancy because the differences are too immense.
And to end that little rant, I feel like buying a diaper bag now! But only because I want to, not because it's what you do to prepare for a normal pregnancy.
14 weeks 6 days: I cannot get enough pasta! I am addicted to it now. I couldn't eat it at first as it made me sick but now...mm....but it has to be small shells with Ragu original pasta sauce flavoured with meat. That's the only way I will eat it and eat it I have! I've had it for lunch/dinner almost every day for the past week. I was busy at work today so I didn't have too much time to think about things but I do realize tomorrow is Friday and I knew this week would speed by and Tuesday will be here before I know it. Why does time pass so quickly when it comes to something I am so scared to face? We went to Bereaved Families last night for a monthly meeting and I am glad we did. I needed a good cry. I also cried a bit today at work, they are really going to start to wonder. Thankfully I was also sneezing like crazy so I just blamed it on that (or that was my plan, no one came by me) but I was sitting there this morning and it was semi quiet as it usually is and all I could hear was a noise that sounded like a babys heartbeat on ultrasound so of course that set me off thinking about the boys and I started to cry. It eventually went away thankfully. I really don't know how I will make it through Monday, at least I have a lot to keep me busy.
I'm just not ready, I'm not ready for either answer I'm scared to hear the baby is healthy, I'm scared to hear the baby isn't healthy. All I could think about today was that this baby HAS to make it, Bee just has to. I can't handle another loss, I don't want that. I don't want to be that lady who lost three babies. Bee has got to make it that is all that there is too it. I'm so scared for what will happen the next 21 weeks. I'm scared of so many things yet I know I have to keep going. I've finished my pasta and now will do some household chores to help keep my mind busy because I cannot let it wander. It takes me to scary places and I'm already scared as it is......only 5 more days.