9 weeks 2 days: It's Canada Day today, I've been pregnant the last three Canada days. I'm so thankful I've kept the same shirt to wear each year, below are pictures on Canada Day from when I was pregnant with Ty, Jacob and now Bee. We don't really intend on celebrating, it's too hard. So many reminders of what should have been, so many little kids running around like Ty should have been. We may go see the fireworks just up the road but we'll see. The last two Canada Days I was pregnant enough that the boys could hear the fireworks and they kicked away like crazy! I'm sure they were wondering what the heck was going on. Bee is not at that stage yet, I don't even know if she still has a heartbeat. I woke up feeling less sick this morning and of course it terrifies me. I have no way of knowing until I either start bleeding or go into the next ultrasound and find out there is no heartbeat.
I also think I am going crazy, I swear yesterday I felt Bee kick 3 times, it didn't feel like the normal gas I have been getting and it was in the exact same spot but I know it's too early to feel anything. My mind is just playing tricks on me.
And as of today, I have now had two girl dreams and two boy dreams so I'm not sure what Bee is. The first dream, the one where God told me I was pregnant, with a girl and what her name was to be still seems the most real to me. The second one was we went in for our 18 week check up and found out we were having a boy and his kidneys were there but there were other issues. The third, we were meeting some friends for dinner at a restaurant and Bee was 3 months old and a girl. The last one last night was I gave birth (naturally) to a healthy baby boy. So now I'm confused. I thought for sure Bee was a girl and the biggest reason being, with both of the boys I LOVED sour things, I couldn't get enough of them but this time around things are super sour to me, like strawberries and cherries and salt and vinegar chips. Everything is so sour! But as far as it goes according to dreams, it's tied.
I'm actually really scared today, I had a horrible emotional day yesterday, Stephen was gone for work all day and I was home a lone and some things just really hit me, this whole job thing is causing so much stress I just wish it would work its self out, ontop of all the government crap we're dealing with. I use to be the kind of person who never got stressed out, I'd just let things slide by but now, even the littlest things cause me to panic. Plus, I really don't feel sick today and I'm crampy. I'm terrified now that it means Bee is gone. For some reason another one of our children was taken. Oh please morning sickness, come back! I know it settles down after the 8-10 week peak and maybe I hit mine early this time but I need something, some sign I am still pregnant. I wish I could go in for a reassurance ultrasound but there would be nothing they could do. Theres no point in taking pregnancy tests anymore, at this point it would take a few weeks for my HCG levels to go back down anyways. I can't wait until Bee starts to kick, I swear I feel it now but I'm sure it's just stretching muscles. I don't know how I will make it 3 more weeks. I should have called J. sooner to get in and see her, I was crazy to think I could wait until 12 weeks until I needed her. I'm trying to trust, I'm trying to believe but now it's so hard. I really do hope my morning sickness comes back today, I hope in an hour or two I am in the bathroom seeing breakfast for the second time. I just need something, some glimmer of Hope that things are still okay.... I'm scared.
Okay so after typing this I was finishing my breakfast and I realized one thing I did differently last night that could explain the decrease in morning sickness, I ate a banana. Eating bananas in the evening while I was pregnant with Ty was the only thing that kept me from vomiting in the morning...perhaps there is a relation, I can only pray I don't feel as sick thanks to the incredible power of a banana....I guess tomorrow morning I'll be able to tell, I'm eating my banana now and not tonight so we'll see how I wake up feeling tomorrow...oh please God just let it be from the banana.....
*Update - The morning sickness came back...YAH for feeling like crap! I love it! I know it does not guarantee that Bee is okay, but chances are slightly better.
9 weeks 3 days: I woke up today feeling okay again and still do not feel very sick. I did wake up with a headache which is unusual, I don't generally get those while pregnant so of course now I am terrified something is wrong with Bee. I know I'm on the hormone peak and perhaps it peaked a few days ago and is settling back down but I do not think it would be this much of a change in a few days. I'm scared, I have a bad feeling something is wrong and we don't have an appointment for another 2 weeks. I know I could go in if I wanted to but I don't really see the point. If something is wrong there is nothing we can do and I don't think we'd have a procedure done instead we'd wait for my body to naturally pass Bee. I hate thinking like this, I wish more then anything I could be like, Yah my morning sickness is gone, thank goodness, on we go, but I know the truth, I know what can happen and I cling to signs like morning sickness to let me know things are going as they should and when those things end, I get scared. I get scared that it is over, that most won't know about Bee until she is gone. I get scared that either a)I'm going to start profusely bleeding due to a miscarriage or b) we go in in two weeks and theres is no longer a heartbeat and I've had a missed miscarriage. Never do I think it's just how things are going, I've hit my peak and my hormones are settling down and everything is fine. My brain doesn't think like that. It always thinks the worst. I only know the worst. So here I sit, worried and wondering. Praying I start to feel a bit sick, anything, any sign of hope that things are still going as they should. 2 weeks is going to be a very long time!