Tomorrow we take a step..a HUGE GINORMOUS step. It is one I didn't think would come, it is one I am horrifically anxious about but it is one that has to be done. Tomorrow is Bee's first day of "school". We decided to call it school because she loves school buses, seeing the kids walk to school and talking about school so I'm hopeful that she will be as excited tomorrow when she gets to go.
When I was pregnant with Ty, the thought of daycare didn't even phase me. I had worked in daycare centres before and I loved them. I had high hopes to excel in the business world. It was set, Ty would go to daycare and I would return to work. But then Ty died.
Things started to change when I was pregnant with Jacob because we knew if he lived he would be sick. I didn't intend on going to work while my son was fighting for his life in the hospital but thinking into the future, the thought was when he was well, I'd return to work as I still had the ambition to make something of myself in the business world. But then Jacob died.
Fast forward to our current state. Bee is alive and well and I have not returned to work. I am currently unemployed until I get through the Trauma program at the hospital to help cope with my severe anxiety and PTSD, which have significantly hindered my ability to work. It's a long program with a long wait to get into. It has allowed me to be at home with Bee but, I can't reply on Stephen being able to watch Bee for all my appointments (he works everyday) so we needed another solution. That's when I made the call. It was a call I dreaded. I put it off for so long and even when they called back, I kept putting it off. I didn't want to do it. I felt horrible. I cried so many tears thinking about what I was doing to Bee. She is going to be so confused and sad and frightened and the thought that I am doing that to her kills me, it KILLS me. But it has to be done.
Tomorrow we pack her "school" bag and make the drive. I know I have to be excited for her, I cant let her see the shear terror that will be hiding inside, waiting for the moment I can let it loose. I have to smile, I have to make sure she is okay and I pray that she holds it together until I leave. Ideally, I'd love to see her happy and excited and not phased by me leaving. If she cries, I don't know how long I will be able to hold it in. As soon as I leave, I intend on going to sit in the car and ball. I am bringing my laptop and plan on writing more of the book. I figure strong emotions will lead to good writing. I mean, if I can see through the tears that is. I will call and check in at an hour and if she is not having it, I will pick her up. If she is okay I will let her stay another hour but it is her first day and my first day and 2 hours is more than enough. It's a start, it's a step. It's not one I wanted to take, it's not one I thought I would have to take but the day is here.