Something has happened this weekend. I don't know where it stems from but a good guess is from withing myself and my daughter. I've felt alive this weekend. I can't remember the last time I felt alive. I've felt awake. I've had a fire burning in my soul to make change.
I just felt so passionate about everything when I woke up on Saturday. I headed to counseling and had a fantastic session. Talk therapy is truly the best treatment for me. My counselor didn't have anyone after me so we ended up talking for 1 1/2. Would have been more but little Bid needed a nap. I think talking through everything really helped give me a sense of direction.
I left with a desire to make change. I know how scary change is, I know how frightening taking a leap of faith is, especially when it comes to playing with fire, in this case, our finances from lack of two incomes.
But even though I am scared, I have motivation to make it work. See, the funny thing is, Bee has not only taught me about love but she is my motivation to do everything in life now. It's funny how becoming a parent really foes change a person. I need and want to be the best version of myself for Bee. She has light a fire in me to become strong again, to become independent, to push myself beyond my limits like I use too.
This weekend I did something I would have never done before but I did it because of my daughter. Because she consistently pushes me to go beyond my comfort zone for her. This weekend I got up in front of a bunch of people (and if you know me you know how much I DESPISE being in front of people and having people look at me for any reason) and I danced (and if you know me, you know I can't dance to save my life) but I danced because I wanted to give my little girl the experience of dancing at a pow wow. I put everything in me aside for my little girl and did something I'd never have done before and you know what....I enjoyed it, you know why, because she did! To see her eyes light up as we danced around all the people wearing their regalia's, to watch her take everything in, to feel her move to the beat of the drum. I let all my inhibitions go so she could experience life.
I don't want Phoebe to grow up and miss out on experiences because of me. If anything, I think I will get to experience life again because of her. She will push me to do it.
As I mentioned before, I also found the courage to post my birth story on a very special facebook page about birth and to read through over 300 comments (and going) from people all around the world truly is humbling. It is allowing me to see that yes, even though I don't feel it, I must be strong. I have felt so very weak for so very long but I must have strength. I must have strength because each day I put my feet on the ground and move forward. Sometimes we take a tumble back, but I still get up the next day to try again. I must be strong because I danced at a pow wow, something I'd never do before but I did it because my little girl gives me strength to keep me going.
I like this feeling, I like this fire in me. I know I have a tremendous amount of things to work through and at the moment I am dealing with some tough stuff. I don't know if any of you read about the congresswoman in the US whose little girl was diagnosed with Potters and her little girl is now 8 weeks old. They had a special treatment done while she was pregnant that helped her little girl. This same treatment is the one my husband and I asked for time and time again when we found out about Jacob. The same treatment we were refused over and over again, told it wouldn't work, it was no point. Well it did work, it worked for someone who had the resources to make it work and her little girl did not die. It kills me, IT KILLS ME inside. I am dealing with so much anger and hurt from this story. I'm not sad her little girl lived but rather I am sad because my Jacob did not. It is so very tough to deal with this conflicting emotion. It is going to be a long road coming to work on the aftermath of hearing this story. I don't think I can ever get over this. But I need to find it's place in my life.
I also have my new blog that I am feverishly working away on and so far it is going well. It is being warmly welcomed into the blogging community and seems like it may really take off. I'll post more about that another day as I'm still in the beta mode of the blog but good things are coming.
Now I am off to bed, teething has turned my good little night sleeper into a no so good little night sleeper and for two weeks we've both had our fair share of rough nights which mean early bed times for me!