7 weeks 2 Days: It's Fathers Day today and Stephen dreads it as much as I dread Mother's Day. It just is not right to celebrate when we have really not had the chance to "father" or "mother". This is the 3rd Father's Day in a row that I have been pregnant (I wasn't Mother's Day this year and that was tough for me!) We don't plan on doing much today....go get a nice meal from Remark since I cannot cook without gagging and perhaps a treat for our selves too (if I can get any of it down) The morning sickness surely has not let up and I think the only thing the Diclectin is doing is keeping me from throwing up (hey I'll take that, I do not like getting sick) If the level of morning sickness is any indication of how healthy this baby is then we have NOTHING to worry about! Like I said before, it is worse then both previous pregnancies, the only difference (thank God) is the lack of vomiting (though I still do fully expect it hit 9 1/2 weeks) Perhaps I will have to increase the dosage of the Dicelectin as that week approaches.
I am trying not to think about our appointment Wednesday. It's so strange to me that we have yet had an appointment. This point in my pregnancy with Jacob I had already had two ultrasounds, a bunch of blood tests and a few Dr visits but this time, nothing. Given, that is purely my choice. I didn't see the point this time in all these appointments when it did nothing last time, I've said it before, I have given this pregnancy to God. I am trusting him completely and if I had it my way there wouldn't be an ultrasound until 12 weeks but our OB really wants one early to see where things are. He knows what he is doing and perhaps God knows we need to see the little Bees heartbeat to breath a little more. I know the next few days will be tough, the anxiety will be out in full force (which does not help the morning sickness) but when times get tough, I just pick up my knitting needles and work on Bees blanket. I told her, she has to come home with us in order for her to get it. It's a coming home, happy, healthy, baby blanket. I refuse to make one to fit into another casket. I can only pray she will get to use it on her way home with us....I can only pray I keep sane the next few days. It's shear fear going to Dr's appointments after a loss, every time they try to listen for a heartbeat or every time the ultrasound tech starts, you always wonder if thats when the world will come crashing down again. It's hard but I am really trying to let things happen as they do, not to get a head of myself. I know God has this one and I pray he's protecting Bee with everything. Here's to staying sane and finding a job this week!
7weeks 3days: I caught myself day dreaming about being in the hospital with Bee, the excitement of being so close and getting to see Bee daily. Then the fear set in and I told myself not to get that far ahead. My plan is to take it week by week, like I have said many times, I may go in Wednesday and there won't be a heartbeat so why get a head of myself. Most likely, I will go in Wednesday and everything will be fine of course but after two losses it's harder to see that positive side. Our appointment isn't until 2 so maybe I will just plan on sleeping the day away, if Bee knows how to do one thing good (besides making my cookies turn 24/7) it's letting me sleep! I have found that when my stomach is empty I don't feel sick, it's when there is food in there that I get nauseous. I have also found that if I lay down or sit and don't move after I eat, I feel okay, I wish I could stay in bed all day but the reality is, I need EI mat leave hours so I have to go back to work! That being said, I am really trying to enjoy these last few days I have off and rest as much as I can for Bee.
I went out the other day and bought some more fabric for quilts but cheated a little this time and went with panels, they should be easy, probably not as cute but I wanted to get one for a girl and one for a boy. I also got the first name initial to iron on each quilt once we find out what we are having. The names will be kept secret and if we can, gender will be too (I probably will slip up) however, I am not going to make the quilt until we know what we are having, either way, living baby or not this quilt will be for Bee. It's really hard to knit a blanket or sew a blanket when you fully expect to need a casket sized blanket again, this pregnancy is really about trusting God and knowing that he knows we really need to bring Bee home but at the same time, it's so hard to see the positive. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to even be pregnant and I know how blessed I am to even make it as far as 8 weeks but don't forget, I've made it full term twice and still do not have a baby at home so it's hard sometimes to see the positives.
7 weeks 4days: I found out late last night that I have an interview this evening and boy am I thankful! Mainly because I would like a new job, I need the change, everything else has changed since we lost the boys and it's time my job changes as well but also because it gives me something to focus on today other than the impending ultrasound tomorrow. At least until my interview is over my brain will be focused on something else. I had a nightmare about going in and there being no heartbeat. I also know that even if I see a heartbeat at 8 weeks does not guarantee when I go back at 12 weeks there will be one. It does greatly reduce the risk once there is a heartbeat but that does not mean this baby will make it. For right now I am focused on thinking about my interview and then later tonight I will try to imagine going in tomorrow and hearing wonderful news, seeing that little flutter of a heartbeat for the first time and the set of tears that will come along with it. I am trying to remain positive, I am trying to let the bad thoughts go someplace else, they are not welcomed in my mind. I thought 8 weeks would never get here, we scheduled at 5 weeks and it seems like it took forever at the same time, I can't believe it has been almost 8 weeks already! After 8 weeks we get to focus on 12.....thats as far as I will let myself go. If I start thinking about everything else, 18 weeks and on it gets too overwhelming. We have so many decisions to make but why worry about them now if we may not get that far.....so for today, I think about my interview and think about a good experience at the doctors tomorrow.....I pray we get good news....one appointment down and about a bazillion more to go.
Afternoon Update: I'd like to say I think the interview went well, far better than the one before, it was much more laid back and not so formulaic which I do better with. I treated myself and Bee to some Wendys on the way home, let's see if she likes it or if it will be making another appearance tonight....and as for the job, I'll know by the end of the week.