Ever since March when I found out I needed to have the LEEP procedure done I have lived in constant fear. I have been an emotional wreck filled with terror and fear to the point I've been so sick to my stomach. The emotional damage it has caused is large. I really do not function well on the unknown. I have no idea what is to take place, I have no idea how bad it will hurt, I have no idea what the recovery will be like and I have no idea how I am suppose to feel like shit an take care of Bee.
I can't stop thinking about it, I know everyone says "it's a normal procedure" but I have yet to meet anyone who has had to have one done. Not only that, they are removing a good chunk of my cervix, I can foresee that there could be issues. I just worry it will be worse than my c-section or giving birth, I mean a needle in my cervix, talk about ouch! I also read it's noisy and you can smell burnt skin (yeah if this is not making you nauseous then your lucky) On top of the whole procedure itself is knowing that I have to wait on pins and needles to find out if it's cervical cancer or not. Neither are my idea of fun. I mean I don't know what my idea of fun is anymore but surely these two are not!
Oh and Bee will not be with us. We debated for a long time about bringing her because she is usually good but I REALLY need Stephen to be there for me and give me 100% attention. So after much debate I asked my mom to come up. Now mom, because I know you read this, It's not that we did not want you to be here, it's just you have spent the last week in a car and I felt bad that I was asking you to get back in a car for another 4 hour ride. I know you will say it's no problem and I know you want to see Bee anyways but still. I'm glad she is coming because I also read the recovery can be hard, mostly the first few days with intense pain so I really needed her here to help me take care of Bee if I need it. If not, well she can still take care of Bee while I try to clean out some more things. We are also suppose to head down to BC sometime in the next few weeks for a visit with GG and Papa but I just don't feel I am ready yet. We'll see though.
I know this weekend will be long. I'm sure I will not sleep Sunday night but I do feel a bit better knowing Stephen will be by myside. He is really good at distracting me and making me laugh in any situation, he even made me laugh while I was in labour with Ty!
So until Monday at 9:30am (and they better NOT be late) I will live in fear of the unknown and after that I will live for a few weeks with fear of the unknown. I much prefer not to have to deal with cancer right now after everything we have been through. I mean, even if it does happen it's early enough for me to kick it in it's ass because I'll be damned if I won't be here for Bee. That shit ain't happening!
On a side note, I have been swearing a lot lately. I keep telling Stephen we need to stop soon because one day Bee will pick up on it and I don't want her to be that kid, or us be those parents who constantly get calls from school for inappropriate language. But some days when the world is out to get you and no one lets you nap (yourself included) it's easy to start throwing f's and s's.
I also decided Bee and I needed matching aprons and wouldn't you know, Zulily had them on sale today! I look forward to baking together with her but not for a long time. I enjoy her being small and cannot believe she is already 3 1/2 months old! Time please slow down.