17 weeks 2 days: I write this blog having no idea what gender this baby is or if we even want to find out. But I'd be lying if I said I had no emotions or feelings on gender. As we approach this time when we may become very aware of what our baby is I wanted to shed my thoughts and feelings before we find out. Plus, in the last day I have been asked 3 times if we know what we are having...no we don't and I don't know if we will and I know all of you are going to ask as well...it seems to be the thing to do, ask the pregnant lady if she knows what she is having, you know what my response will be "a healthy baby" that's all we actually truly care about and really mean it.
But, as you all know I have carried to term two boys, both of whom passed away. This has caused a lot of self doubt in carrying any baby to term but specifically a baby boy. My mind and heart do not think my body can handle carrying a healthy baby boy to term and giving birth to a living baby. I don't trust my body to be able to do that so the idea of having another little boy terrifies me. I'm afraid it would automatically mean another loss. Having said that, of course we want another boy! We want to look down and catch glimpses of what Ty and Jacob may have looked like or how they would have acted. We still want a living boy, I just know I was meant to be a mother of little boys because I'm such a tom boy. But if it is another boy, I know I will be more anxious and we are clueless as to what name we would want. Not that those are bad things (well the anxiety yes, I know little boys have a harder time then little girls)
Because I have lost two little boys I do kind of hope this one is a girl, just to see if my body can handle giving birth to a living breathing girl and see if that makes a difference.That's really the the only reason and yes we want a girl too so it really doesn't matter but given our history I would like it to be a girl this time. If it's a boy we're perfectly fine with that as well but it just means I'll be even more on edge. We also thought Jacob was a girl at first so we were use to the idea of having a girl and we still both want that and I know we will have one (I should say MANY) of each one day through fostering and adoption but for the sake of my mentality and fear....a girl this time would be nice.
Perhaps it is best we don't find out....
But for the fun of it I was taking some oneline gender predictor tests...here's what I discovered:
I tried the ring on a string, my results went straight line to circle back to straight line and we know there is only one so that proved nothing.
Chinese Gender Chart says girl (it was 1 for 2 with the boys)
I took a test, my answers were, I'm carrying low and around my middle, I have had horrible morning (all day) sickness, Babe's heartbeat is higher then 150, I got an odd number for my age and the month we conceived (28+5) my hair is the same, my complexion is the same, we conceived before I ovulated, my belly looks like a watermelon and my feet are warmer then usual. All of these point to a girl.
Having said that there are also some more TMI questions but they point to a boy..so the verdict: 50/50
I do feel I am having a girl though and have had more girl dreams than boys.
Either way, as long as we get to bring a healthy living baby home we'll be happy. We have enough for either though I can see if it is a girl, packing away the boys clothes will be very very tough. That will definitely bring on some emotions!
Bee no matter what you are we will love you, it's just if you happen to be a boy you may not have a name for a long time. All we really care about is that you are healthy and make it safely into our arms and that we get to bring you home, we don't care what your packing down south.
In other news, Wednesday is just around the corner and at this very moment I am anxious but no where as bad as I thought I would be....yet. Perhaps Bee kicking me is really what I needed to calm my heart and ease my anxiety and it wont get the best of me. Only 3 more sleeps until we know if Bee is healthy or not or if further tests will need to be done (I know a ton of things that can go wrong) I just pray we get a break and that Bee gets an A+ for being healthy!