When I was pregnant with Ty I had an idea of what kind of parent I was going to be. I knew things I would do and things I would not do. I had a lot of work with infants and I felt I knew what I was doing, then he died. Before we had a good amount of time to grieve for Ty we found out we were expecting again, grieving was put on the back burner while we prepared for Jacob. When I was pregnant with Jacob I had an idea of what kind of parent I would be with him, it had changed after Ty died. There were different things I planned on doing and thing I didn't plan on doing, then he died.
At first after the boys died we weren't sure we were going to try again so my idea of parenting live children was put on the back burner. We took time to grieve the boys and start to get back on our feet. 9 months later we gave it ago and Bee was created. I had no idea what kind of parent I was going to be, I had a lot of doubts and everything I had thought before I felt just wasn't right. I was worried I'd be over protective, I was worried I'd be under protective. I had no idea how I would parent but as my pregnancy went by I started to gather ideas of things I would do and things I wouldn't do.
Well, in the 7 weeks that Bee has been home, everything has gone up in the air. No matter how much I prepared before hand, once she was here I adjusted, we adjusted. I'm doing things I swore I never would and there's things I wanted to do but won't do. I mean Bee sleeps in a laundry basket, its the only place she will sleep at night, so for a few nights she is in the basket and in a few more nights we will try the bassinet again. I never thought I'd let my little girl sleep in a laundry basket but we adjusted. I never thought I'd let her sleep in her car seat but when I've been out, come home and have things to put away, if she is sleeping I leave her be so I can get a few things done.
I swore she would not be spoiled, that has been thrown out the window. I find shopping for her is so much fun but even more so because I actually get to shop for her. I get to use things I buy for her so it's hard not to get her things. She has a ton of clothes, shopping for little girl clothes is so different than it was for the boys. They have so many more accessories and things to match with outfits. I've waited 3 years to bring a baby home so she will be dressed to the nines (I never buy anything full priced, I'm a frugal shopper so she has all new clothes for next winter) I even went out and bought her special soft washcloths and yes, I am going to get her her own mp3 player (one of the small cheap ones) I want something I can put all her music on so I can play it without worrying about hearing some of my music, though I guess well she is young it is fine. She doesn't have many toys but I don't think she will, clothes will be her thing! She is spoiled but we aren't going to raise her to think she is. I just want the best for my baby girl, I'm sure she may not notice the difference in regualr wash clothes versus the special soft ones I bought for her, but I do.
I thought we'd never leave her alone for the first year but I have left her with my parents and with Stephen for a bit. I thought I would sit all day with her sleeping on me and though we do that a lot there are moments I put her down, usually for tummy time or to get a few things done. We have adjusted, we continue to learn how to be parents. We are doing things we never thought we would but they work for us and some things we thought we would do, do not work for us. Parenting changes all the time and though I had ideas of how I thought I would be it is changing. I do know there are things we will do and not do because we've been through the death of Ty and Jacob, but things are changing. We even booked tickets for the Canada Day Blue Jays game, I didn't think we'd travel very far other than to my parents but we will be.
So many things are going on, we are learning new things everyday, we are making plans for our future, with our little girl. She is incredibly loved and though I know no matter how many clothes she has, that has nothing to do with love, its just moms addiction to make her as cute as can be because I can! Because I have waited so long....my idea and thoughts as a parent will forever change with the time, with Bee, with what is going on with her. I now know I will do things I swore I never would because I didn't want to be one of "those" parents but the truth is, some things work for us, some things work for Bee and we are rolling with it.
Bee trying on one of her new headbands, I swore I'd never be the parent who puts bows and headbands on their babies but I couldn't resist, another change I have made and a big one because girl has quite the collection