As I sit here and write this, it was one year ago today at this exact time that I began pushing. We were within minutes of meeting our miracle baby but I was still afraid she would die. Obviously we know she didn't, but I can't help taking a minute to reflect on where we were.
As we prepared for Bee's 1st birthday I was a bit nervous. A lot of other baby loss mamas mentioned how hard their rainbows first birthdays were. I could totally understand why that may be the case, I mean it's another first our angels didn't get. Its another milestone we never experienced before and we all know how hard those can be.
If I've learned anything it's that the first year of an infants life is hard as is. Parenting is exhausting, it's emotional, its frustrating. It has its trials and tribulations, but on top of all of that, I grieved. I grieved immensely everytime we hit another milestone. Every time a holiday passed and we finally celebrated. I thought when we prepare to celebrate for her birthday, it would be the same. But truth be told, it wasn't. I felt the need to really celebrate the fact that Bee was a whole year old. We survived the first year. Yes, we didn't get a first birthday with Ty or Jacob and yes, every other first we had with Bee we didn't get with the boys was very emotional. But her birthday was different. Perhaps it's because the firsts are officially over. Given, I know there will be more "firsts" but holidays and other big things have passed. Perhaps now it will be easier, perhaps this year my grief will lighten a bit.
I truly did not feel sad today. I felt nothing but happiness and love. I spent the day with my little girl, like I do every day, but today was her day! We got out of the house (we've had some horrible cabin fever) did some shopping (bought her some new nursing bras) and I took her to lunch. She got to pick, she chose East Side Marios since she loves pasta and sitting there with her, I couldn't help but smile. This first, this birthday of hers is truly reason to celebrate and I don't in the slightest sense feel saddened that the boys aren't here or that we missed this with them.
It surprised me a bit to have this reaction, knowing how tough things have been recently I thought surely I'd be a mess. But I wasn't. Even though everyone was trying to destroy my day and crappy things kept happening, my little girl kept me going. I hope she enjoyed her day, I'm sure those teeth coming in and the chili from last night didn't help (she had 6 poops today, sorry bit I had to tell them) so she was a bit off, but the thing about Bee is that she is incredibly resilient. Watching her shows me the innocence I lost. I'm obsessed with my daughter, she is the perfect, tiny little human being. She is so kind, loving, friendly, sociable, beautiful and my god is she ever smart.
So here is to our last year. We made it. We survived and perhaps this year won't be as emotional. Today I celebrated, today I not only celebrated my dearest Bee but I celebrated that fact that for the first time in maybe ever, I didn't feel sad for the boys. Today wasn't about them, it was about Bee and I'm thankful I was able to handle that pretty well. Maybe I'll even say it's a step forward..........