10 weeks 6 days: I signed my new job offer today, it is official. I emailed my last place of employment to let them know and took care of all the disability ends. I must say it is pretty freeing, I am very excited about all the opportunities my new job can bring me. I can only hope that they feel the same way about me in regards to me being pregnant. I have a lot of guilt about being 12 weeks pregnant (when I officially start) and I don't want to announce it right away. I'd like to get as many hours in as possible before I announce it in case they decide during my probation period that it just won't work and I don't have a job. I don't think they will do that, I didn't get that sense because they all seemed like wonderful people and if they hired someone else whose to say (if it was another woman) she wouldn't get pregnant. All I know is I have a lot of proving myself to do so that when I announce it they still feel like they made the best decision. I didn't and couldn't let such a great opportunity pass up just because I was pregnant. I need this job for my future, I wanted a job I could grow in, go back to school and learn more to improve my growth within the company. But it comes with a lot of guilt.
Add on top of the fact that I have been an emotional wreck about the boys lately. I had a very good cry today. I received an email from someone I use to go to high school with and reading it brought so many tears to my eyes (good tears from good memories) A lot of people say Stephen and I are an inspiration and I'm glad others see us as that because we surely do not feel like it some days but reading her message made me go through the boys stories on here and man, it brought back so much. I was reading through Jacobs story (after I had Ty's) and the part where I picked him up out of the crib and held him all night and woke up to see his beautiful angelic face...I remember that so clearly. It hurts so much, I miss the boys so damn much and I am so afraid we will not be able to bring Bee home either. I just held my stomach while I sobbed and prayed that Bee would come home with us, happy, healthy, living and breathing. That she is a very special soul picked out by God, Ty and Jacob to send some healing our way. I have no doubt Bee has a very special purpose and I can only hope it involves many years on earth as I do not want to have to make this blog about the loss of 3 children. I am so scared of loosing Bee, I'm terrified to go to my appointment next week, fearing the worst. I have been sick the last few days and it worries me to the core that something is wrong with Bee and I hate that I have to go into the ultrasound room all by myself (as per rules) and sit there wondering whats going on, wondering if Bee is even a live, silently crying as I make the ultrasound tech even more uncomfortable. I can only hope I have one of the few really nice ones who can calm my anxiety at the start show me a quick glimpse of the heartbeat so I can take moment to breathe. I don't know how I am going to make it but I am thankful I have a new job to focus on to keep me distracted.
This was my afternoon snack yesterday, can we say pregnant!!! Given, the only unhealthy thing was the oreos and I've always loved pickles and eggs so that's not a weird craving or anything.
I also seem to be having more and more problems with gagging, I was hoping closer to twelve weeks it would die down but it's not! It seems to be getting worse. The people at my new job are going to think I am crazy gagging all the time or making funny faces to keep myself from gagging (sometimes I even talk to myself out loud to help) I can only hope once I am off the progesterone things settles down, only a bit though, enough to manage as you all know I like some signs! But seriously, these stomach cramps I could do without as it worries me so much! I did try not eating cereal this morning and I did not feel as nauseous, actually I felt well enough to head to the mall for a few hours and walk around (I need to get use to no more naps) I must say...going into gymboree was a bad idea! OMG cuteness overload on little girl things with bees all over them, there was so much but, due to being on a very strict budget, I did not get anything (well I pretty much cleared out there $1 rack but hey pants, hats, shirts, socks and shoes for only $1 I could not go wrong!) Alright enough for today, 6 more days until we see Bee again and I PRAY she is still hanging in and doing well. I really do not know if I could handle loosing her too.