The fragility of my emotional state has been pretty weak as of late. I am very vulnerable at the moment and it doesn't take much for me to lose it. Going into this holiday season I thought surely it would be a better year, I mean after all Bee is with us and she just rocks. But I was wrong and to be completely honest, this holiday season is harder than the last three. Given, we haven't celebrated the last three so it was pretty easy to let them pass by but there were constant reminders of the holidays being thrown at us everywhere we went. Grocery stores playing Christmas music, lights going up on the neighbours house, work potlucks, secret Santas etc. It's not like we weren't aware that holidays were happening, we just chose to ignore them and for the most part it worked. Don't get me wrong, I still balled, I balled a lot! I was so hurt and so sad the first Christmas after Ty died. I was a disaster the Christmas after Jacob died and last year, pregnant with Bee, we were so close to meeting her it's all I could think about.
That brings us to this year. It's been a nightmare. I tried to get excited, it's Bee's first Christmas so I'm going all out. I started decorating early, bought her a ton of presents, planned some special meals, rocked the Christmas music and danced around the room with her. All such special moments, all such gut wrenching, beautiful yet painful moments. If I've learned one thing this year it's that I now know what I missed with the boys and it hurts. It's like I'm being stabbed in the heart over and over again. I cried more today than I have in the last year. Everything I do to prepare for Bee's first Christmas makes me sad. I'm trying to be happy, she deserves that but these firsts with her, as beautiful as they are, are also incredibly painful for me. She has shown me exactly what I missed. She has shown me the beauty, the innocence, the fun, the silliness and the laughter that I have missed and as I prepare for her first Christmas, excited that we've finally reached this point, my heart hurts so much.
I didn't expect it to be this hard. I thought it would be easy but as I'm filling 3 of the 5 stockings (of which two will remain empty), I am left reminded of how it should be. As I'm happily buying her presents I can't help but wander down the more "boy themed" toys (I don't gender stereotype, I mean Bee is getting cars for Christmas, but you kind of know what I mean) and feel that I should be placing some more rough, tough toys in my cart. We should be bursting at the seams of financial ruin because we want to spoil our kids, instead of bursting at the seams of financial ruin because we had to bury our first two children, because we had to take time away from work to grieve.
I dance around the kitchen with Bee rocking out to rocking around the Christmas tree as we giggle and laugh and through it, there are tears. Tears because I am staring at the most marvelous miracle, the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for. But also tears because I have waited so long for a moment like this. Tears because Bee should be dancing around the kitchen with her brothers, getting in my way while I try to bake or cook or clean. My floors should be dirtier, I should have more laundry, this is not how it is suppose to be.
It should be easy with all three here. It should be easy now that Bee is here and she makes my heart so happy. How can it be that my heart is filled with a love like no other, my heart is so happy at the same time that a huge part of it is missing and always will be? At the same time that my emotional fragility is so vulnerable that everything makes me cry. Everything makes me sad and mad at the world. All I want to do is get cozy, cuddle up and stay inside for the winter. It's what I am use to. I'm use to the receding into my home but this year I can't. I can't because Bee deserves an amazing first Christmas/first winter experiences even if she doesn't remember them, I will.
I didn't expect it to be this hard. I guess the first time you do anything after loss is hard, even if you have all the reason in the world to celebrate and be thankful for your blessings, it's not how it should be and that will always make it gut wrenching. The tears will always fall for those who aren't here.