I was browsing Zulily today, it's a great site if you haven't checked it out. I have bought a few things from there before but due to a tight budget, I just "window" shop now. Anyways, one of the sites today has holiday stuff for Bee. Honestly, Stephen and I have not celebrated any holidays since Ty died. We just have not had the heart to do it but this year, we'll have too. Not that we don't want to, but all holidays are emotionally exhausting. Its a constant reminder of what should be. I'm sure we'll still keep it low key because we still aren't ready to dive right in to all the holiday hoopla. Though, after Ty died we made a promise to always keep it low key, minimal presents but lots of family time and traditions to start.
I was looking through the Christmas stuff and I just started crying. It came out of nowhere. I mean, I know where it came from, holidays are hard, but its not like this morning I was sad or anything. However, I sure as heck am sad now. I'm sad, mad, pissed off and angry because this should be my 4th Christmas celebrating with kids, not my first. I should have tons of Christmas decorations from collecting over the years for the boys, but I have nothing. I did go out last year and buy a bunch of decorations when they went on clearance because I am determined to at least get a tree up this year! Bee deserves a Christmas tree and the "firsts" photos, a photo shoot under the tree, with the string of lights, you know, all the cute stuff you do to celebrate firsts and lord knows we've waited a heck of a long time to get here so we will be celebrating firsts.
Thankfully, I am pretty crafty so instead of buying from Zulily, I can make, but I get a ton of ideas from there! Ideas and heartache for the holidays. I'm not looking forward to the holidays and can't say I ever will. There will always be a void and heartache surrounding the holidays. Traditions will be started because the boys aren't here. Traditions will be started because Bee is here. I just didn't expect this today but then with grief, you never know when to expect it. You never know when it will hit. All it took today was seeing a cute tutu outfit that says I Love Santa to get the eyes going.
My heart hurts today.....