Grief has been hitting me pretty hard lately. It seems everyday there is a reminder of what should have been. The weather has been gorgeous, it's my favorite kind of weather. The crisp air with a light breeze but sunny. It's the perfect weather. It's fall weather. Everyday I am outside in this beautiful weather I cry, I cry thinking about how the weather is because it reminds me of fall and how fall use to be my favorite season and it kind of still is, but it's so bittersweet. I can't be outside in this weather and not feel sad. I want to feel happy but it's hard because the sadness is there. The sadness is there because for the first time this fall we will celebrate. We will get to do all the things we've wanted to do so for long but it hurts because it shouldn't be the first time.
A friend of mine on facebook recently had a little boy, she named him Jacob. It hurts. It hurts because seeing the name Jacob hurts. Yes I know it is a very common name and yes I know I will see it everywhere but it still hurts. It hurts to see her status updates about snuggling with Jacob, about how he is the perfect little boy and don't get me wrong, she is completely entitled to it, as that's what all new moms do, but that does not lessen the hurt for me. I have to hide from it, I have to unfollow people who have what I don't have. It simply hurts to much to see it. I had a Jacob but I never got to write about how snugging him was, all I got to write was that he was born and died. I wrote about his funeral and burying him. I never got the snuggles or the perfection of a newborn. I never got that with my Jacob, my Jacob is dead. It hurts.
I see pictures on facebook of first time parents preparing for the arrival of their little ones. I see the innocence and bliss, the joy and happiness. It hurts. It hurts to see photos of car seats installed with captions that say "there will be babies in here soon" because all I want to say is "don't be too sure, babies die". Of course I'd never actually say that but it's what I think. I think it because three years ago I was that parent. We installed our car seat. We drove around for weeks with it installed so happy that soon enough our baby boy would be riding in it with us. But Ty died, we never had that living baby in the carseat. It would take 3 years and two deaths to have a baby in that car seat. The car seat almost expired before we got to use it. It hurts because I miss being innocent. I miss that blissfulness that non-baby loss parents have. It hurts because we installed a carseat twice and instead of riding home with our living children, we rode home with tears streaming down our face and empty hearts. Our children died and it hurts.
Everything hurts but I can't help looking into my little girls eyes and feel my heart swell with love. Swell with pride and beauty. Swell with hope and excitement. Swell with the greatest feeling ever. It doesn't take away the hurt, nothing ever will, but it sure makes life worth living.