I know I don't talk too much about Bee here but that's because I don't want her whole life exposed to the world. I am very protective of her, but she taught me something tonight. If you know me, it's no secret that you know Bee is not a decent sleeper. I'm lucky if I get two 20 minute naps from her a day. At night she goes to bed at 6:00 and sleeps until about 5:30am (use to be 6:30 but now she's an early riser) Even though she sleeps a good 12 hours, she is still up every 2-3 hours and sometimes I'm lucky and get a 4 hour stretch in. The thing is, I tend not to complain about it though. I joke when others tell me their babies sleep well and I tell them to have their kids talk to Bee, but in all honesty, I don't mind getting up at night with her. Tonight just proved to me why I feel that way. She was starting to get fussy and I normally go in and feed her or give her the soother but I was busy and couldn't get right to her. As I walked in over to her crib she was still laying down and she settled herself back to sleep. All I could do was stand there and cry.
This, that very moment is why I don't mind getting up with her because I know one day, and quite possibly soon, she won't need me to settle her back down. Right now I need her as much as she needs me. I need her to need me. Yes Bee not sleeping does make me tired but I love nothing more than our morning and afternoon naps together. Snuggling in bed laying beside my sweet miracle, just taking in her awe, smelling her sweet smell, feeling her sticky peanut butter fingers. I waited so long for moments like these and I know they will be gone in a matter of time, as she showed me tonight. It's a scary thought to know one day she won't need me as much. I know from my mother daughter relationship with my mom that a daughter always needs her mother, but it becomes less as the daughter grows. I fear those days, I cling to my sleepless nights because I need it. Without Bee I don't know who I am. I was in limbo for so long being a grieving mother but now she is here, now she needs me and I need her. She is helping me define who I am and who I want to become. I'll be the cardigan mom, the mom who makes forts, the mom who bakes with her daughter, lays on the hammock and sips lemonade, I'll be the mom who embarrasses her with my quirky dance moves, I'll be the mom who she can always run to, turn to, cry with, hug tight. She may need me less and less as she gets older but I will always need her.
She has truly given me my life back. She is helping me find me. She is helping me find the mom I want to be. So many thoughts and ideas and events to look forward to but for now, I'll take my sleepless nights and hold Bee close, nuzzled and sucking at my breast because she needs it and I do too. I know these mid night snuggles are something to treasure and cherish because they will be gone in the blink of an eye.