The death of Ty and Jacob has caused me to lose my innocence. I will never be so ignorantly blissful of life ever again. So many things in life make me cry due to my loss of innocence. When I see friends on facebook who post their baby shower photos, I remember I was them once. I remember Ty's baby showers. We were so thrilled and happy, surrounded by love and lots of gifts. I remember how it felt back then, how innocent we were, so blissfully unaware. But, then my mind goes there, my mind wonders if they too will lose a baby or if they will get to bring theirs home. How would they feel if at 37 weeks after a very exciting first pregnancy filled with love, baby showers, nursery set ups etc, if they found out all they dreamed about, hoped for, longed for and celebrated was gone in a matter of a few simple words "I am sorry, there is no heartbeat". I can't imagine anyone going through a pregnancy without wondering if it will end on a happy note or sad but only us baby loss parents think that way. I cry because I too was once elated at being a first time mom, albeit, it was a "tough" pregnancy but little did I know.
No one ever told me that babies die, no one I knew had a baby die. But now every time I know someone who is pregnant my mind wanders. It goes there, I can't stop it but I can pray for their babies safe arrival because I would never wish that upon anyone. I will admit, I am jealous that they still have their innocence and I can only hope my tragedies do not hinder their experience but I hope they also know should anything happen I am here. I am the front line when it comes to perinatal and infant death. I know too well that things happen, that things can happen more than once. I know no life is guaranteed. I have no innocence, just the pure hard truth of life. I know babies die, I know babies die at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks, 40 weeks, no time in pregnancy is safe. No matter how short that little life is, it was a wanted and loved life but there is no guarantee that little life will make it safely into this world and even once they get here, there is no guarantee. I know babies die at a few weeks old, a few months old, a few years old. Children die, adult children die.
I'm still new into my journey of parenthood and right now I wonder every day if Bee will make it through the day, not because I expect something bad to happen, though given the world we live in it could, but because I know her life is not guaranteed. I can do everything in my power, I can pray my heart out but reality is, I have no innocence. I do hope as time passes by my knowledge of innocence softens a little. I don't want Bee to grow up with no innocence, I want her to have innocence for as long as she can. I hope she never has to know the pain I've gone through as a mother but I know she may. I know my friends may, I know my grandkids may, I know strangers will.
I look at pictures of happy pregnant women, someone I once was, and it pains me because I will never know that again. Even if we chose to try for one more child, I will never know the happiness and ignorance. I will live in fear with the knowledge that I have. I cry because sometimes I feel I'd give anything to have that innocence back, to go back 3 years and have things turn out differently. I wish they had told me about kick counts, I wish I went to the hospital when I thought something may have been wrong but was told it was normal. I miss my innocence, it hurts to not have it. It's a daily struggle to not have it.
There are so many things that I struggle with on a daily basis and I hope slowly I can work on each one. I do know I am blessed, I do know what real love feels like, what financial stability feels like but there is a lot more I have to work on in regards to myself because I fear not being able to raise Bee to be a strong independent women if I'm not one myself. I look into her eyes and I get scared. There is so much I still have to learn about myself before I can properly help her.
I want her to have innocence, though I never will, it is forever gone. She still deserves the chance to have it and experience life with it. I know growing up will be different for her, knowing babies die because her brothers are in Heaven, but I still want her to have innocence. Every girl deserves to have that in her life for as long as she can.
A sneak peek from my mother's day shoot, myself with all my children