A lady across the street is pregnant, visibly pregnant. It's hard to see, not because I miss being pregnant but because I see her innocence and joy. My innocence and joy was ripped away from me, not once but twice. No matter how many times I ever get pregnant (which at this point is no more) I will never have the innocence and joy back. I mean to some extent there may be joy, but mostly pure, unedited fear, terror and worry.
I miss the innocence, I am jealous of those who still have it but I pray they get to keep it. Doesn't mean it is any less hard on me, or any of us for that matter. Even those of us who have been blessed with rainbows, that didn't give us innocence back, joy yes, but innocence, we will never get that back. We can never change that. It's hard to see, it's hard to deal with and it's hard to talk about because there is so much judgement with how us grieving moms feel. Those who have not walked in our shoes feel they can tell us how we are suppose to feel or that we shouldn't miss being innocent etc. How about everyone just let us grieve, let us feel our feelings because they are validated. You may not understand but I don't criticise for things you do that I do not understand. I accept it, I accept that is how you are and still love you all the same.
Don't judge us grieving parents because things we do don't make sense to you. You can never understand the depths of our pains, you can never understand the depths of our inner grief. You can never understand why we do things certain ways but please know that is how it will be. Once you have something taken from you that you can never have back, something so pure, something so real, something so loved, you are changed forever.
So for today I will let myself feel sad at the fact that I have no innocence and I will feel jealous of those that do. It is hard to see and it brings a host of emotions but I am entitled to those emotions. It's the only time I will EVER use the word entitled.