18 Weeks: We are having a little girl. I cannot get over the thought of having a little girl. Growing up I always wanted two boys and then a little girl, I just never imagined my little boys would be in Heaven. I can't wrap my head around a girl, I can't process it. In one way we were kind of trying for a girl, I was hoping it was a girl and was relieved when we heard it was a girl (or I should say when we saw little lady) but to process it in my mind I can't do it. I don't know how to have hopes and dreams for a little girl. I'm such a tom boy that having dreams for my boys came easily, connecting to them was easy but not for this little girl.
I already told Stephen he will have to go through the boys drawers and pack all the clothes away. There is absolutely no way I can do that. It's too heartbreaking. I have washed and carefully folded those clothes a bunch of times now and yet they sat un-used and now they go into a bin un-used. My heart can't do it.
I'm struggling with the idea of a girl. I'm jealous, I know she'll be Daddy's little girl and my Mommy's boys are in Heaven. Baby girl already has a name. I know I've mentioned it before but the night before I found out I was pregnant I had a dream. God told me I was pregnant, that it was a little girl and that her name was to be Phoebee Faith. How perfect, Phoebee (and it will be spelt like Bee because of her nickname) her name means bright. Nothing spectacular behind the meaning of the name but pretty damn impressive and awesome to be named by God himself.
I know the struggles will be there, they already are. I feel like I am missing out on so much with the boys and now I won't get that with a little girl. Don't get me wrong I'm going to love her to pieces and know how blessed we are but gender is such a sensitive subject to rainbow pregnancies.
I am thankful I get the opportunity to carry a little girl and give my body that one last chance to prove I can actually carry and deliver a living breathing healthy baby, one reason I was hoping girl. But in all honesty, it's a struggle for me. I know it will take time to get use to the idea, as does it for all rainbow pregnancies where the baby is a different gender. I know I am not alone in these feelings I just can't freely share them because as you all know, gender was a secret (or an attempt at one, I know Stephen and I will slip up at some point) It is something I am addressing in counselling, it's not that I don't love this little lady, of whom I'm trying to repeat over and over to help my mind get use to the thought, it's just that it's hard to know what hopes and dreams to have for her.
18 Weeks 4 Days: ....I shall see if time changes my thoughts and feelings. As I stand over the bin of girl clothes it doesn't phase me, perhaps it really is just bringing a living healthy baby home that is making this so hard only time will really tell though.
I stare at moms with their daughters and imagine what that will be to feel and I still feel no connection but today I stared at a mom with a little boy and felt nothing. I don't think my dis-connection lies in Bee being a girl but rather Bee possibly being born a live and healthy and coming home with us. It still feels like my body is clueless that is it pregnant, my mind and heart have not connected to the miracle within.
Even then, I have NO idea how to do a little girls hair or how to dress a little girl. I am such a tom boy and one who takes it very seriously. I have no idea about makeup or hairdo's or the the latest fashion. I am the least bit girly girl myself so I don't know what to do when it comes to a little girl. Thankfully I think between my husband (who is more feminine then me) and my mom, Bee may be okay. Daddy will probably do her hair better then mommy will. I'm sorry Bee, I won't be the best lady like example and teach you all the girl things but you will most certainly know what love is.
22 Weeks: I have come to the realization this week that I think what I have been feeling, or lack there of, all along is not really gender related as much as I thought. Yes having a girl is different but we always knew we wanted a girl and are thankful we even have this chance and yes I am a bit saddened I get to miss out, for now, on raising a boy, but we've still always wanted a little girl as well. I've really forced myself to look at mothers and daughters and little girls this week to see the relationship, to see how little girls are and just watch their interactions which are so different from boys. It's made me realize that this lack of feeling really isn't girl related. I think the bigger issue is just this pregnancy because I sat and thought for a while, what if Bee was a boy and pretended that she was and yet I still felt nothing. It's the fear of losing Bee, the fear of bringing Bee home and the fear of the unknown, it has nothing to do with her girly bits. Yes it is taking a lot of work to wrap my idea around having a girl but that has not stopped me from doing things for her and like both boys, I feel very protective of her.
I think a part of my fear related to having a girl is that I'm not going to be a good role model, what society thinks as "womanly" I'm anything but, just ask Stephen. I'm more of a guys girl, I like sports, I don't do makeup or hair, I really dislike shopping, I don't own high heels, okay I own them but never have worn them. I'm just not a girly girl and not to say thats a bad thing, this world needs some drama free level headed girls but I don't see myself as a good woman role model for my daughter and this is something really new for me that just came about and I'm so glad I get to see my social worker in a week because this is even tougher then just not feeling. If I lack the self confidence how am I suppose to make sure my daughter feels good about herself? How am I suppose to make sure she turns into a strong woman who realizes true beauty when I struggle with it myself? I think this is really where the issue lays, it's not with her its with myself.
As each week goes by I get more scared, scared because we are getting closer to when Ty died, scared because I'm not prepared to raise a little girl. Girls have so much pressure and so much more to go through these days then I ever did. How am I going to raise my daughter to be the woman I am? Thankfully, she has an amazing GG who I know will help, after all she gets all the credit for me turning out how I am and I know it was anything but easy. I was not an easy child but it was only because of her patience and love that I am who I am. I'm going to rely on her a lot. It just scares me, everything scares me but I am thankful I have come to the realization that it's not necessarily gender related as to why I'm not feeling much, it's just this baby in general, the unknow, the feeling that I've been here before (twice) and have only had the one outcome, I don't know how to prepare for the other. It's scary. It's not that I'm scared to think of having a girl, it's just having a baby in general. I felt so prepared with Ty but now, man, I feel so lost. I feel lost in myself and in my world. I'm scared for my little girl, I feel so protective of her yet so protective of myself.
23 Weeks: I bought Bee her first doll, we were at Fanshawe Pioneer Village and they have a crocheted doll with a rainbow hat, needles to say it now belongs to Bee. I also bought some special occasion outfits (very girly ones may I add) for next year. I just hope she gets to wear them. The whole gender thing has really worn off. Yeah it'll be different thinking about a girl but the thing is, as much as we have thought about a boy we still have not raised one so we kind of don't know what we are missing. I wouldn't say I'm getting excited yet, that won't happen until she is here but that's just a general pregnant fear. I've also started paying attention to how little girls have their hair done. It seems I need to buy some clips and hair elastics as pig tails and clips seem to be the thing most do. I also need to learn how to braid (Stephen knows how so I told him he can do it) I have most certainly noticed Bee's kicks are no where near as strong as her brothers ever were...perhaps it is a gender thing, perhaps it is just how this pregnancy is carrying. She gets the hiccups like crazy thought!
28 Weeks: Little lady, I just want to say that I appreciate you letting us know very clearly, many times, that you are a girl, you better keep those little legsc crossed for a long time when you get here, no flashing your bits around like you do on ultrasound. I do have to admit it has been nice shopping for a girl. I always said, even with the boys, little boy don't have as much selection but little girls, talk about cutness overload. I have bought a few cute outfits, and a few with Bees on them. I even, here comes the anxiety, bought a few special occasion outfits for certain counsins birthdays for her to wear. It was a huge step but I did it. I can only pray little lady gets to wear them at her cousins birthdays. Oh and don't worry about shoes, we have enough to keep you covered for the first 30 years of your life! It helps they match nicely with some outfits...This is all so new to me...it's so different then shopping for little boys. It has been hard but a few small moments of joy, just keep me away from Bonnie Togs and Superstore, I could go crazy in there! I must say and I'm calling it now, TOTAL Daddy's Girl!!! You go nuts when ever I'm texting him, talking to him or he's around, you just know. I can't wait....here come the tears...I can't wait until you are born and I'll be sitting in my hospital bed and your Daddy will have you all wrapped up in his arms, looking you in the eyes with so much love. I pray he gets that chance. Little girl, stay safe, strong and healthy. You are so incredibly loved and wanted, you have to make it here safe.
30 1/2 Weeks: So we have managed to keep your parts a secret thus far. I must say I am quite proud of your dad and I for not slipping up yet, however, because of this feeling of impending doom, I think we will be surprising GG and Poppa at Christmas time with a secret gender reveal present (they have no idea, I'm pretty sure GG is convinced its another boy thanks to my crafty work) It's been a bit fun trying to have people guess.....I'll say that I am completely use to the idea of a little girl now though I do apologize in advanced that I'm not the best person to ask questions about make up or hair. However, I will say knowing you are a little lady has made me want to be a bit more of a lady myself. There are some things I have done to help, I went and bought myself a pair of stylish boots (which happen to match a scarf) I bought a new hair straightener (though that was REALLY needed, I've got to stop using things after 7 years, especially when they don't work anymore) I'm even considering getting highlights shortly after you are born.
I've had a lot of fun (too much if you ask me) shopping for you, I feel guilty but I'm doing it anyways. I will say now that I have had to shop for a little girl, they have far more selection than little boys. I'm talking mostly clothes wise because as far as toys go, you already have cars, trucks and dinosaurs to play with.
I still don't know if we will get to bring you home but statistically I do know little girls have a better chance of survival so you have that going for you, you also have two amazing big brothers watching over you as well. I still don't feel much and I can't even picture you being born yet (even having passed 28 weeks and having to start thinking about delivery) let alone bringing you home. We did have the car seat installed and checked so we know you'll be safe if you do come home with us and I have to stay away from Bonnie Togs and Superstore or we're going to go broke with lots of cute outfits. GG gave me my first doll before we knew what you were and I plan on giving that to you, I also have another doll I bought for you on one of our trips out.
I'm still having a really hard time but I know now it is not gender related at all, I'm just scared for you, I want you here so badly, safe, alive, breathing in our arms...I need that and want it more than anything and I'm just so scared that you will die too. I am doing everything I possibly can, kick counts like crazy and now even starting to watch what I eat (I always have but some things I was more lax on) and I'm thankful to not be working so I can pay attention to you. You are amazing at kicking and moving lots which reassures me but you have scared us a few times, please no more scare. As much as I love going to L&D to see you, it's terrifying and exhausting.
Milo and Charlie are doing a great job at preparing me for nighttime feeds by waking me up just about every hour to get something for them or to snuggle and I can say, I'm adjusting to the lack of sleep now quite well, I only hope in a few short weeks my lack of sleep is because of you.
I will also say that you are SUCH a Daddy's girl already.....You go crazy when ever he is around or even when I am talking to him on the phone you just seem to know. The other day I was sitting thinking about being in the hospital and how emotional that will be for us (either way) and all I could think about was your Daddy holding you and looking into your eyes and falling even more in love. I want it so badly, he needs it, he deserves it and we never had that with your brothers. Please Phoebe, be safe, we need you here, we want you here!
According to my most recent dream you are also going to be a red head. Of course we don't care what colour your hair is but the idea you may be a red head seemed really cute to us. Both your brothers had brown hair so it'll be interesting to see, I mean that's if you have any hair at all. Personally no hair would give me a lot more time to learn how to do little girls hair...though I have a feeling Daddy will do a much better job.
5 1/2 more weeks until we hopefully meet you, alive, breathing, kicking, screaming and healthy...hang in there little girl we are going to do everything we possibly can to make sure you are our Keeper Bee. We love you lots little girl!
34 Weeks: OMG little girl, you will be here before we know it, I still pray its alive and healthy! I went shopping for you...again. Let me tell you, you are going to be well dressed, you have a ton of outfits and shoes already, not to mention that I know when Bonnie Togs puts their current winter clothes on sale for next year :0) I'm having a lot of fun shopping for you but I must admit, unlike I did with the boys, I just can't picture you in anything, don't fear though, you have some very cute outfits! I may not know how to dress fashionably but you my dear will! Of course if you grow up and want to wear black or blue I'll still love you. I'll love you no matter what you do in life.
Anyways, back to my shopping excursion. I ended up leaving Bonnie Togs with some tears....I had a lot of fun picking out some smaller outfits for you (after going through your small clothes, mostly 0-6 months, I realized you needed more winter attire) I should mention two of the outfits say little sister and I should know when I buy those things I'm going to be asked questions. This time though my answer was different. Like usual I was asked if you were my first, like usual I said no, your my 3rd but I stopped at that and I shouldn't have but I just didn't want to ruin the ladies excitement so I quietly prayed she wouldn't ask any further questions, but she did. She asked what we had at home, I said two boys, I said their ages (that they would have been) and then she asked if we knew what we were having, but guessed from what I had bought that you indeed were a girl. Her response was Oh how perfect, now you have the perfect family......stab me in the heart why don't you. If only it were that simple. You see I always knew I'd have two little boys and then a little girl. I wanted you to grow up with the protection of your older brothers. I never imagined they would not be here on earth with us but you my dear are very wanted. We have fought so hard to get you here and will continue to fight hard until you are safely in our arms (which at the moment seems so very far away)
At most we have only 3 weeks left until we meet you...I'm hoping you are still head down and will meet us in 2. It seems so unreal some days, like this is all a dream. I go into the hospital in a week and I don't think even that will make me realize what is about to happen. I think I am too scared to go either way. But in the mean time I am doing the last few things we have to do to prepare for your arrival (which I'm praying is alive and healthy) I only have a few small things left but it seems so hard to get them done. I always feel like I am cursing your fate by getting ready. Yet, I push on knowing it's good for me to do and knowing that if anything did happen it showed that you were wanted, cared about and loved because you are and always will be.
I look forward to the day I can hopefully go shopping with you. Please hang in there little lady, please be careful with your cord, stay healthy and happy and we will see you in a few short weeks!
35 Weeks: Well...we held on for as long as we could and we made it to 35 weeks, which shocked me! Between last night and today your dad and I both slipped up and GG and Poppa figured out that you are a girl! We kept the secret pretty long but I think we're both so nervous it just slipped. But so far only they know and they promised not to tell anyone. GG said she knew you were a girl all along (like I did as well and so did Daddy) but it was SO nice and very fun to go through all your things tonight with GG. We looked at all your cute outfits and my goodness, you already have quite the shoe collection going. I was out yesterday and bought a few more outfits (ones I have had my eye on for awhile now but wanted to wait until they went on sale...well they did so now I have them for you, or I pray for you) Tomorrow I get admitted to the hospital. My nerves cannot take being at home anymore. Being in the hospital allows me to hear your heartbeat 3 times a day and do a daily NST along with some BPP's to make sure we can try and catch if you aren't doing so well and get you out. I much rather have you out now, 35 week is a good time but we have to wait at least one more week if not two. All I can do is trust God, you are his daughter and you are a very special little girl, I have no idea what he has in store for you but you are going to be amazing! I just pray he lets you stay with us for quite some time. I still can't say when you come home only if but it doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you a lot, I love your sweet little painful kicks and I love that when I haven't felt you move in a while all I have to do is stop and tell you to start kicking and you do.
I will say though, after out last visit to L and D daddy already has you pegged as a drama queen (much like himself) all I care about is that you stay alive and healthy and that in two weeks we get to meet you and bring you home. I will do everything in my power over the next two weeks (along with a lot of prayer) to see that you safely arrive and I will listen to my gut and do what I feel is best for you. I have no idea how you are coming out yet and that isn't what matters the most, you getting here alive and healthy is what matters so we shall see. Keep hanging in there little girl, we are so close! There are so many people waiting to meet you and now GG and Poppa are going to go out and spoil you like crazy since they know your batting for team pink (though I reminded them you can still wear blue) We all love you very much Phoebe and we pray so dearly for your safe arrival. I hope in two weeks I can't write a blog because I am too busy staring into your beautiful eyes into your beautiful soul.
36 Weeks: Little girl I cannot wait to meet you! I have so many clothes and shoes I have bought just for you, the thought of having a daughter makes me cry. GG and I have such a good relationship, I only hope that we can too. You will always be my little girl and no matter where you go in life or what you do I will love you unconditionally. I promise you I will learn how to braid hair and I will learn to be a little more lady like to set a good example. I will read all the books on how to foster your self esteem and support you with whatever you decide to do in life. We have fought so hard to get you here and look forward for the many years to come. Baby girl, I love you so much it makes me cry and I am so thankful for the chance to raise a little girl.