Despite me promising myself I would be in bed before 9pm tonight, I can't. I simply can't because I know I will lie awake and think about what I need to write, I need to write because this has been a long time coming.
Today I swallowed my pride yet again, which I find I do often, and headed to meet the psychiatrist. This meeting was my own doing, I requested it because I know I am not mentally well. Yes, I'll admit it. No, I'm not ashamed of it. I sought out help because I need it, I can't do this alone, I need help.
Today I was officially diagnosed. It feels so immensely satisfying to actually have a real diagnosis now. A diagnosis from a real doctor who picked my brain and picked it for 2 hours at that! I no longer need to wonder if it's exhaustion that causes me to think the way I do or feel the way I do. I no longer have to feel alone. I no longer have to sit and wallow in my struggles.
Today I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and General Anxiety disorder. Neither came of any surprise to me, I could have guessed it myself, but for someone else to recognize it and label it, I feel like now maybe I can tackle this problem. I feel like now I know and now I can set a plan with a team. I feel like now that I am officially in a mental health program that maybe, just maybe, I can start to work on things so I can feel better. I was given a few options for treatment, psychotherapy and drugs. I opted out of taking the drugs right now, I rather use those as a last resort, not to say I won't use them or that I'm against them because I'm not but for me personally I rather wait. I still would really love to give acupuncture a try (despite hating needles, I will try it) and talking it out has always helped me. Given, the social worker I have to see is one we had after Jacob died and we were not a huge fan so I have a lot of anxiety about that and talk about triggers, I'm really screwed on that front because there are no other social workers in the program but I am willing to give her a second shot.
I know I need to do this for me, I know all these fears, anxieties and worries are not normal and that sometimes there isn't a real explanation for them so I really need to get to the bottom of things. I need to do it for Bee, I need to do it for Stephen, Most days I just so badly wish I could feel great, feel happy and feel relaxed, but I can't and I can't pinpoint why. It frustrates me that I can't figure it out on my own so I really do hope this program can help. The best part is, I can bring Bee with me because trust me, being away from her for 2 hours this morning was killer! I missed that little bug so freaking much and I was so stoked to get home and see her. She is the main reason I am doing this, she is the main reason I sought out help and will do whatever I have to do so I can be the best mom, to set a good example of how to be a strong, independent, beautiful, loving woman. She is my reason for living, but I need to make sure and feel that other things are as well and at the moment, I'm not there.
I think one of my biggest issues in dealing with my grief and anxiety is that I've been shuffled from one person to the next, either due to benefits ending or hospital politics. It's not good and it has been hard for me because I go see someone, I tell my story, we start working on things and then I'm done way before I'm ready. I'm done because my benefits have run out and we cant afford the $400 to continue seeing that person or because hospital politics dictate that because I am no longer in a certain area of the hospital (ie, OB, or women's health, NICU etc) I have to go see someone else. Even after I have worked with someone for two years and have built a connection and feel safe, no, hospital politics say I have to start over all again with someone new. I can only hope that this program I am in has no time limit. I hope I'm not only given 8 or 10 weeks to figure my shit out because I know I need more time. If I am going to be forced to see a social worker I am not fond of, then I need time to really build trust and feel safe and comfortable. I don't want to be shuffled around anymore, I really do want to tackle this. I'm tired of it all, I want to fix it. I want to feel like a person again. I know I won't ever be normal or feel the way I use to but I need to find a new me.
I will tackle this issue and I have all the reason in the world to beat it , my family means the world to me and I have to be my best for them and me too. I'm just thankful I have a diagnosis. I'm thankful that after spending 2 hours with someone else and talking to them, they have seen it too. They have seen that it is not just exhaustion, they have seen that it is just not being a new mom, they have seen that I'm a mess and I really do need some guidance and direction. They are there to help and I am there to be helped. So here is to an infinite number of psychotherapy sessions in hopes that I can sort my brain out. It's time.